Back to Basics: Same-Sex Attraction

Disclaimer: These “Back to Basics” posts are not meant to convert anyone who has left the church or wants to leave the church. My intent with these posts is to relay correct principles, as taught by the church, and to weed out myth, culture, and misunderstandings. For those who have honest questions and want to stay in the church, these blog posts are for you.

So my plan with these “Back to Basics” posts was to go through the missionary lessons and highlight gospel principles there first (that’s where we start investigators, after all) but since my blog has been about same-sex attraction primarily for over a decade, I decided it might be good to start there instead.

My Voices of Hope video shoot (2013)

Myths abound regarding same-sex attraction and LGBT issues. I won’t go into all of them (because they’re probably endless), but I’ll debunk a couple now by starting with truths:

• People do not choose to be gay or to be attracted to someone of the same sex.
• We do NOT know the cause of same-sex attraction. Nature or nurture? We don’t know.
• Homosexual feelings are NOT related to pedophilia.

Now that I’ve addressed what isn’t, let’s talk about what the church has actually said on the matter. For any quotes that are not directly cited, you can assume they’re from the Church’s official page regarding same-sex attraction.

The Law of Chastity

Elder M. Russell Ballard said, “Let us be clear: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints believes that ‘the experience of same-sex attraction is a complex reality for many people. The attraction itself is not a sin but acting on it is.”

“Sexual relations are reserved for a man and woman who are married and promise complete loyalty to each other.” (Gospel Topics) Therefore, acting against the Law of Chastity, heterosexually or homosexually, would be considered sinful. However, we all make mistakes, so it’s important to remember repentance. “People of any sexual orientation who violate the law of chastity can be reconciled with God through repentance. As followers of Christ, we resist immoral behavior and strive to become like Him.” (Gospel Topics) I take comfort in that.. Regardless of my mistakes, I can do better and strive to become like Jesus Christ.

My wedding day (2017)

Another important thing to mention: Heterosexual marriage should NEVER be used as a way to “fix” same-sex attraction. Men and women have tried that for decades with heartbreaking results. That being said, I’ve seen others, who were seemingly exclusive in their attractions to the same sex, marry in the temple to an eternal companion they love. And those marriages are beautiful as they’re “founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ” and “maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.” (The Family)

We Don’t Know What Causes Same-Sex Attraction
“Born that way” is a trendy way to describe the source of homosexual feelings. However, there’s no evidence to support that it’s inherent. We also know, as mentioned above, that same-sex attraction isn’t a choice (why would someone choose to live a harder life fraught with discrimination and misunderstanding?). Elder Dallin H. Oaks said, “The Church does not have a position on the causes of any of these susceptibilities or inclinations, including those related to same-gender attraction.” My personal opinion, the answer must be somewhere in the middle of nature and nurture. After all, sexuality has been known to be fluid. That’s why you get jokes in sitcoms about women “experimenting in college”. 

What does that mean for us? Honestly, it doesn’t mean anything to me. I know many people who get hung up on whether they’re born that way or whether it’s caused by abuse or other childhood experiences. It doesn’t matter though, as far as the gospel path is concerned. Even if you’re born gay, the Law of Chastity is still the Law of Chastity. It doesn’t change anything; according to gospel teachings, we’re still commanded to live a chaste life. Related concept: “The intensity of your attractions may not be in your control; however, you can choose how to respond.”

The Plan of Salvation is for You
Too many times have I heard SSA friends make remarks regarding their placement in the eternities. Too many comments implying that they’re destined for the Telestial Kingdom or to be ministering angels for all eternity. I’m sure I’ll get into this more when I do a post about the Plan of Salvation, but let’s address it a little bit here too.

First of all, baptism is the gate to the Celestial Kingdom. President Joseph Fielding Smith said, regarding the Kingdoms of Glory.” From that quote we understand that anyone (regardless of marital status) can enter the Celestial Kingdom if they accept baptism and strive to keep the associated covenants. Period. It’s not more complex than that.

And just remember how shockingly little we know about the afterlife. We know the basics of the Spirit World, the Judgment, and the Kingdoms of Glory. But what we don’t know is so little compared to what (after)life will be like.

Because of Jesus Christ, there's a place for us all

No Blessing will be Denied the Faithful.
Similar to my previous point, I’ve had friends comment that their lack of desire to get married will hinder their progress in the Celestial Kingdom, keeping them from exaltation. They’ll cite scripture like Alma 34 to assert that because they have no desire to marry, they won’t marry… except that scripture is about repentance (agency), not desires.

In contrast, Howard W. Hunter said, “No blessing, including that of eternal marriage and an eternal family, will be denied to any worthy individual. While it may take somewhat longer—perhaps even beyond this mortal life—for some to achieve this blessing, it will not be denied.” I will assert my belief and my trust in God’s mercy. I believe that as long as we strive for the Celestial Kingdom and to live its divine laws, we will be successful.

You Have a Place in the Church
I feel out of place in many aspects of life for many reasons, few of which are relevant to SSA. But even when I’m having a depressive day and I wish I weren’t at church, there’s a place for me there. From the church’s SSA page, “[LGBT individuals] can make and keep covenants with God and fully and worthily participate in the Church.”

Connected to this principle is repentance again. I know many who feel they are too far gone or, out of desperation, they’ll act out to try to salvage their mental health. But you’re never too far gone; even as you're still working through the repentance process, there's a place for you with us. “If we give in to sexual temptations and violate the law of chastity, we can repent, be forgiven, and participate in full fellowship in the Church.” (Gospel Topics)

Read also:
“Helping Those Who Struggle with Same-Gender Attraction” by Jeffrey R. Holland
“Behold Thy Mother” by Jeffrey R. Holland

Hill Cumorah Pageant (2014)

Teach Them Correct Principles

A few months ago, before I started writing here again, I met with my bishop and stake president in an effort to bring support to LGBT members of the Church in our area and to their families, who might have questions. As I’ve pondered what I might say to members of the stake, I keep coming back to a quote by the Prophet Joseph Smith: “I teach them correct principles and they govern themselves.”

There’s something to be said for going back to the basics. It’s my opinion that we need to forget about the prescribed application of the commandments (i.e. Is my Dr. Pepper against the Word of Wisdom or not?”) and we need to think about why the commandments are given. What is the principle behind the commandment? 

In almost 200 years of the Restored Church, cultural misunderstandings of gospel principles have crept in from other sects, from politics, from activist parties, etc. We’ve parroted things in Sunday School and seminary classes that we’ve heard over the years to the point we believe that it’s doctrine, despite not being spoken by the prophets (ancient or modern). 

So, in my upcoming series of “Back to Basics” blog posts, I want to break down gospel principles into what has actually been said, complete with sources. It is my belief that a correct understanding of God's plan—even if there are parts yet to be revealed—will help us to live joyful, fulfilling lives on the covenant path. 

Read also: “Conversion to the Will of God” by Elder Quentin L. Cook 

2022: Year in Review

Back when I was actually writing on this blog consistently(ish), I had tried to continue a family tradition of reflecting on the previous year and look ahead into the new year. So now, five years since the last time I did this, I'm back at it again.

Neatest Place You were in 2022

We didn't go a lot of places this year, thanks to working off some loans from physical therapy school. However we did make it up to Oklahoma with my wife's family. It's the second year we've gone and I had more fun this year than last. Always a blessing to see my little girl with her cousins.

Biggest Surprise of the Year

I'm not sure if it was the "biggest" surprise but it's had some long lasting consequences.  In June, I was transferred to the other clinic to replace someone. So learning to adapt to another clinic (even in the same company) was a stretch. I'm pleased to report I have adapted and I think I've grown from it too.

Best Movie/TV Show You Watched

I've narrowed it to my top three. Although many people didn't like it, I loved She-Hulk (except for part of the finale, which I talk about here). It was a breath of fresh air from normal Marvel content. There was also the Obi-Wan Kenobi series, beautifully returning us to Ewan McGregor's character and illustrating the trauma Obi-Wan had to deal with as he tried to hide out as "Ben". Lastly, I finally got into Star Trek with Strange New Worlds. It was a good beginner series for Star Trek and I'm sure it made my trekkie father proud.

Saddest Day/Time in 2022

My parents came to visit us in Texas for a week and a half this summer. It was wonderful to see my little girl playing with Gramma and Papa. One of the nice things about living in Texas is that we get my parents all to ourselves. They even got to babysit while Caren and I went to our full anatomy ultrasound. Sometimes we'll still get chatter of "Gramma n' Papa's camper". So as wonderful as their visit was, their departure was that much sadder. It's always hard to say goodbye to loved ones, so I don't think it would be an exaggeration to say that goodbye was among the saddest days of the year.

Happiest Day/Time in 2022

In June, there was a day that I was at work and Caren called me with our pregnancy test blood work results. With the happy news on my mind, I was pretty much bouncing around the clinic for the rest of the day! Can't get much happier than that!

Best Book/Magazine You’ve Read

My friend Preston Jenkins (referenced in a General Conference talk by Elder Holland) wrote a book about his experience with his missionary service and his same-sex attraction (sound familiar?). Because of the similarities in our stories, particularly with coming home early from our missions, this book nearly brought me to tears more than once. I had to be careful listening to the audiobook too close to work. And then I got a hard-copy of the book for Christmas! Here's the Amazon link if you're interested. Also check out Preston's Voices of Hope video and his podcast (though he's currently on hiatus with the podcast).

Things you will remember from the news

If you know me, you'll know I avoid the news (they just catastrophize everything... hard to trust them). The news of Jason David Frank passing broke my heart though. For those who don't remember him, he was the original green Power Ranger. What's worse than his passing is the possibility that it was suicide (I didn't hear whether that was ever confirmed or not). I wrote a tribute to JDF for LDS Geeks, but I just want to say here that I detest suicide. It doesn't make anything better. So if you're struggling with thoughts of self-harm or suicide, tell someone. Please open up.

Favorite Talk in Church/Conference

April 2022 had some wonderful talks about missionary work. To be honest, they were triggering for me, after my experiences on my mission. And the comments online about the "expectations" to serve a mission, even more of a trigger, but I stand by the words of President Nelson and President Ballard. To read more about my thoughts regarding the April 2022 talks, check out what I wrote on LDS Geeks.

What would you like to do in 2023?

Baby girl coming later this month or in February (duh). But besides the obvious, pending finances, maybe a trip to Utah? We might be taking another trip to Oklahoma this summer. Mostly I'm just excited for family and friends to visit for baby girl's blessing in a few months.

Joy to the World

Joy to the world! the Lord is come;

Let Earth receive her King;

Let every heart prepare him room,

And heaven and nature sing,

And heaven and nature sing,

And heaven, and heaven, and nature sing.

Last time I wrote here, I said “I’m staying”. This time I wanted to share one of the reasons why. 

In speaking to the youth in my ward recently, I shared about my experiences and beliefs about myself because of my SSA. I thought the only feasible route to be happy would be to leave the covenant path. But I learned that my testimony and the Spirit brought me too much peace and joy to leave behind. So I’m staying because of the joy the gospel brings.  

One of the times I feel that joy more strongly is leading up to Christmas. The holiday season is a time when people are thinking about the Savior, even if they don’t realize it or believe it. The spirit of Christmas is the joy I receive from bearing my testimony and living the gospel. 

I’m not sure how Christmas will be for me on a budget (I’m not getting any new toys) but I get to experience the joy of my daughter’s Christmas. To find joy in simple or mundane things is so childlike, something we’re instructed to become. Through the atonement and covenants we make, we can become childlike again and feel the joy Heavenly Father offers us. 

This Christmas season I’m grateful for the gift of the atonement. The gift of repentance. The gift of divine transformation. I’m not who I was and that’s good. I hope He continues to transform me so that I can let in more joy that I know He wants to share with me. 

Rejoice! Rejoice when Jesus reigns,

And Saints their songs employ,

While fields and floods, rocks, hills, and plains

Repeat the sounding joy,

Repeat the sounding joy,

Repeat, repeat the sounding joy. 

I'm Still Here and I'm Staying

Does anyone still follow my blog or check my posts? In the past few years, I felt less need write about matters relating to same-sex attraction, and after joining the team of Mormon Geeks (now called Latter-Day Saint Geeks), my gospel writing kind of went there. But, hi! I’m still alive! 

That being said, I had to say something. I've seen posts on social media regarding BYU, For the Strength of Youth, etc.; and I just feel like I have more to say regarding the gospel, my testimony, and the covenants I've made. There’s more missionary work to be done within the Church regarding same-sex attraction.

To be clear; what I have to say in this and future posts isn't intended for those who have left the Church or even for those who are questioning their testimonies. If you fall into that category, I hope you can still find something positive and uplifting from what I say, even if it doesn't apply to you. What I have to say is for those who are trying with all their hearts to stay in the Church, despite their doubts and questions.

October 2022 was ten years since my initial "coming out" blog post. I wanted to do a big ole blog post to commemorate that crazy milestone. Unfortunately, life happened and the anniversary passed. In the process of it all, I read some of my old blog posts from the past ten years. Being 10 years more mature now, I expected to feel super cringey reading my old stuff. Yes, there was definitely some cringe, but my testimony has only grown. And I stand by what I've said, though I could articulate it better now.

So what’s the point?

The point is simple: I'm staying.

When I was in New York a few years ago, my friends and I saw a Harry Potter parody play called "Puffs". During the Battle of Hogwarts, our beloved Hufflepuffs nearly ran out of the castle because they didn't think they were good enough to fight the Death Eaters. But Leanne, possibly the biggest "Puff" of them all, declared that despite their shortcomings, she was staying. And one by one they began sounding off: "I'm a Puff and I'm staying."

If the Puffs can stand up against Death Eaters, I can stand by my testimony. So here I am: I'm a Puff and I'm staying! And to anyone else who’s staying, I hope my experiences and future blog posts can help strengthen you.

"I'm a Puff and I'm staying."