More Than You Think

"You can do more than you think."

About seven years ago I was at a turning point in my life. I had been home from my mission for several months and I had no indication I'd be returning any time soon. Depending on the day, my self-confidence was shaky, to put it lightly.

My roommate decided to go for a run and on a whim I joined him. Running up 9th East in Provo was a bit difficult. Nevermind that I hadn't run in months, but I don't know if I had ever run so uphill. So somewhere around Wymount Terrace I was feeling out of breath.

I slowed my run to a walk and struggled to go any faster. Tired. Cramping. I felt done for the day.

My roommate turned around and shouted encouragement to keep going. I remember only once sentence of it. "You can do more than you think."

I've worked hard enough and met enough people now that I know better than to think I'm alone; I'm not the only one with low self-esteem or disabling beliefs: "I don't matter", "I'm not enough", "I'm no one". Everyone has limitations. Everyone has beliefs that hold them back. Dismissing them is easier said than done though.

In my experience it takes someone more powerful than me to get rid of those debilitating beliefs. This brings to mind a song by one of my favorite Christian artists (I have several, so the favorite favorite changes based on the day):

I'm more than you dreamed

More than you understand

Your days and your times

Were destined for our dance

I catch all your tears

Burn your name on my heart

Be still and trust my plan

I'm more than you think I am

Don't downplay the Grace of Jesus Christ. As Elder Hafen said, "The Savior's atonement is thus portrayed as the healing power not only for sin, but also for carelessness, inadequacy, and all mortal bitterness. The Atonement is not just for sinners."

August 13

Written August 13, 2013

Transcribed August 24, 2013

I’m sitting on the lido deck of the Carnival Conquest cruise ship as I write this. I just got done playing mini-golf with my two sisters-in-law, my little brother, and one of my nephews, the whole time holding my baby nephew (and I did a pretty good job for mini-golfing one-handed).

According to my journal, today is one year since I first started reading Voices of Hope, after having had it recommended to me for months. Little did I know when I opened that book for the first time, I would soon be joining those men and women. One year ago today, I had the prompting that ended up changing my life on October 20.

I’ve learned a lot since then. And I wanted to share a little of that:

1.      It’s okay to love

2.      It’s okay to be loved.

3.      I need to love myself.

4.      I need guy time every once and a while.

5.      Nothing can compensate for lost sleep.

6.      Sometimes a good night’s slight can fix everything (or at least put it back in perspective).

7.      Physical touch doesn’t have to be sexual.

8.      Physical touch can easily turn sexual.

9.      A good hug can put my crises in the proper perspective.

10.  Having a best friend who tries to understand SSA is invaluable.

11.  Emotions are not good or bad; they just are.

12.  Forgiveness is always possible, for me and for others.

13.  Love is always the answer, even if it’s tough love.

14.  Priesthood leaders are not perfect.

15.  Imperfect priesthood leaders are not a good reason for me to leave the church.

16.  A talk with a kind priesthood leader can change my mood completely.

17.  God can take it when I need to express anger with Him.

18.  Someone saying something ignorant or stupid doesn’t mean they don’t love me.

19.  The only person I can control is me.

20.  Trying to control others is exhausting and pointless.

21.  God can make good use out of a bad decision.

Those are just the lessons that came to mind today. I’ve been blessed to learn these lessons, and many others, during this past year. It hasn’t been easy (in fact some parts of it have been my own personal hell) but I can see how it’s helped me grow.

"What do you need to tell me, Spencer?" (by Garrett)

Earlier that night... (in Niagara Falls, Ontario)

That’s what I said, and how he came out to me, a year ago today.

In one day I realized that social issues aren’t simply articles read or watched online; they are the stories and struggles of people you know and care about.

A year of knowing is a year of affirming Christ’s universal Atonement and universal blessings.

A year of knowing is a year of seeing how vague, general statements almost never fit with individual people, especially when those people cross two very contradictory stereotypes. What a tragedy to make a multi-dimensional person into a 2-D object.

A year of knowing is a year of being thanked and admired by strangers from Spencer's support groups. On one hand I appreciated all the thanks, but on the other, it sobered me. Their tone of voice indicated again and again that this was the first time they had seen someone simply be a straight friend.

A friend is the most powerful ordinary thing. 

In that year I made new friends, and kept old ones, and performed the balancing act that young, inexperienced, college guys perform. I worked 8 hours a day when I wasn’t in school, went on dates, read books, looked up funny cat pictures on the Internet, and had fun with my best friend who has same-sex attraction.

I attended firesides and made other friends in similar situations to Spencer's. I heard their stories and read how they lived faithfully to the covenants they made in the Church. And I learned lessons from those firesides good enough to put in my journal, such as the following:

When we let our bias do the talking, we end up “classifying” others, and in effect we put a gag on their voice before they even can speak up for themselves. We should instead let them own themselves, and let them liberate themselves from the chains of skewed thinking.

Out of all the roles we will play, a friend is one of the most crucial we can be. And now more than ever I can see why. There are too many people struggling with this, and too few "straight friends" that are stepping up. In that year I saw more than ever how we need those powerful, ordinary things--understanding, empathy, and friendship.

So here marks a year of accepting 100% of a person, 100% of a friend. Here’s to a year of being powerful, ordinary people.

Shame, Faith, Fear, and Joy

Another late night blog post. This one is for Alex. Tonight, he is extremely scared that his roommate has inadvertently learned about his SSA. As such, Alex is having a hard time. He’s scared to talk to his roommate about it, but he also is scared to just wait and hope for it to blow over. In the midst of that, he has been dealing with shame surrounding his SSA these last few days, which I didn’t realize.

In texting me about his fears and his shame, Alex said to me “I don’t want to deal with this! Why What awful thing did I do before this life to merit dealing with such a terrible punishment? I just want to be normal! I just want to be happy… I haven’t been truly happy for years. What does God want from me now? Sometimes I just wish God would just let me be.” My heart broke getting these texts from Alex after I left his place. I’ve been there… I think many members of the church with SSA have been there… we struggle with “Why would God give me something so controversial?” However, there is no simple answer to that question.

I don’t know why I have this attraction to men. I don’t know why the Lord gave it to me. However, there are some things I do know. Number one: If I serve God and love Him, all things will work together for my good. Number two: I know that every trial I go through will give me experience and will benefit me in the end. In may not be soon, Alex, but as you continue to follow the Lord, you will begin to see your SSA as a blessing more and as a curse less. Number three: Our purpose here in this life, and God’s purpose for sending us here, is to make us happy and give us joy. He will NEVER give us anything that is intended to cause us misery if we give it time. Yes, things are hard and we get sad and hurt sometimes, but no, we don’t have to stay that way. Number four: Jesus Christ, our Older Brother, our Savior, and our Redeemer, felt all the sadness, pain, hurt, and shame that we go through in this life. The beautiful thing about that is that He could have learned how that hurt and shame felt through the Spirit, but He chose to experience it for Himself because He loves YOU so much. He is your friend and He will never abandon you.

I wish I could formulate my words better, but it is past 1:00 AM and all I can do right now is to bear my testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. And there is no way I know better to bear testimony of it than how I have already done, by referencing scripture. The Lord loves you and that will NEVER change. To Alex, everything will be okay. To everyone else, please keep Alex in your prayers.

Spencer's Lesson For Me (by Garrett)

What I’m writing is something Spencer has taught me over the years. It’s not any one specific thing that he did—it’s more like something that he has consistently done throughout the entire time I’ve known him.

But first, I need to give a little backstory:

I gave up on having good friendships with guys around freshman year of high school (around age 15), when the majority of my best friends got involved in things they shouldn’t have. When my family and I moved from Arizona to Florida, it made that detachment from them easier. When I started over again in Florida, I only became friends with guys on the surface level, really. The guys I got to know were just someone to see once in a while, have campouts and some fun with, but no real getting to know any of them. They came and went just as I left Florida and moved (yet again) to Michigan.

The same thing happened there. With my disillusionment of not really wanting to make friends with guys, and with my skyrocketing interest in girls, my focus during my last 2 years of high school naturally shifted to flirting, dating, and how to treat a girl well. I found girls thrilling, and loved going from one to the other—sometimes getting into a relationship, sometimes staying as friends, and sometimes becoming something “in-between.” I loved it. I made life-long friends with these girls and learned lessons about the dynamics of love. During this time, I had very few guys that I hung out with outside of the Young Men program in church. I found it hard for myself to trust others--girl or guy--and felt it better to remain “independent” and to not get too emotionally attached. And since at church I always heard about us guys needing to always treat girls well, and how we needed to date them, I felt justified in my coldness to other guys.

But after high school, things soon changed.

When I met Spencer at the start of freshman year at BYU, he slowly but surely reestablished the kind of solid friendship with guys that I didn’t know I had been missing.

I remember one of the nights in the beginning of fall semester, I had been planning on going with Spencer and a bunch of other guys from our ward to see a football game—but I noticed that Spencer wasn’t all that willing to go. I felt prompted to stay with him instead of going to see the game.

So I did. And throughout that year, I got to see what having a “pretty much we’re brothers” kind of friend was like again.

I took to heart what I had learned from Spencer freshman year, and used it with my companions on my mission, and it really helped me to get along with them and make friendships with them. I learned how to trust friends again, and I learned the importance of having friends trusting you. 

And the best part was, my mission helped me in turn be a better friend to Spencer when I got back, and prepared me to be supportive for when he told me about his SSA.

Thanks to Spencer, I have a healthier balance between romance and friendships with women, and commradery with men. I can once again relish the kinds of friendships I had lost as a kid—doing funny and silly things, talking about hard and difficult things, talking about girls, talking about this, talking about that, and always taking care of each other.

Now we get to the lesson: that, more than anything, is what Spencer has taught me—that we are all here as brothers, children of our Heavenly Father, no matter what we struggle with (SSA or not), and we’re here to watch out for each other. Henry B. Eyring talks about this during a talk in the April 2009 General Conference, where in Priesthood Session he compares that responsibility to a group of soldiers who gave their lives to protect their fallen comrades during a battle in Somalia. President Eyring said of these men:  

“The courage to act and their selfless service came from feeling that they were responsible for the lives, the happiness, and the safety of comrades. Such a feeling of responsibility for others is at the heart of faithful priesthood service.” (“Man Down!” –April 2009 Priesthood Session)

That is the kind of spirit that Spencer demonstrates, through daily and quiet actions, and it’s one that I’ve tried to apply as I’ve gained more and more guy friends along the way. As I’ve done so, I’ve become a better man. I will forever be grateful that Spencer is an excellent example of being a brother’s keeper.

To those who have SSA: remember you still have gifts—gifts that even your SSA might give you, and you can bless the lives of everyone you have around you with those gifts. As a straight friend, I have been blessed immensely because of the gifts Spencer has inherited.

I add my testimony & my voice to the several others that Jesus Christ is Our Savior, and our perfect example. He came to our rescue. Through Him, no matter what path of life you’re on, it will get better, if you let His Atonement make it better.

Changed for the Better

It’s that time of year again. December 14… about half way through the final month of the year… finals are over, people are heading home for Christmas, and some people won’t be coming back next semester (whether for mission, because they graduated, or for other reason). However, the imprint they leave on our lives is irreversible. So today, I just wanted to talk about five people I am grateful for… their presence and influence in my life has changed me so much (if you are not one of the five, trust me, I’m sure your presence in my life has affected me too).

First, I want to start out with a little snippet from the Broadway play “Wicked” (SPOILER ALERT: If you haven’t seen/read Wicked, and you don’t want to be spoiled, skip to the next paragraph). Near the end of the play, Glinda finds Elfaba and they reconnect after the death of Nessa and the presumed death of Fiyero. Elfaba gives the Grimmerie to Glinda and asks her to take on her cause, because she knows that with her own reputation, she will not be able to change things. However, Glinda has the influence and power to make good things happen in Oz. After this encounter, Elfaba and Glinda never expect to see each other again (which they don’t). In the play, their goodbye is in the song entitled “For Good”. Reflecting back on their relationship and their friendship—and themselves—they realize that their friendship has influenced who they have become.

The first person I want to talk about is my friend Eric. I met Eric in October 2010. A month before I met him, I had returned from my mission in Toronto and I was still having a very hard time with it. I was confused about what I was to do. Why had I come home? Was I supposed to go back? Was I supposed to look toward marriage instead? How did my same-sex attraction play into that, whether my next step was to go on my mission again or if I was to look toward marriage?

The first memory I have of Eric is at a mix and mingle (we called it “Sweet Swap”) after ward prayer one week. Having heard that I was looking for a job, Eric offered to drive me to a job interview if I needed it. Knowing that I had to be able to walk to the job anyway, I declined his offer. However, that was not where things ended with Eric by any means. A couple weeks later, I was in the Rec Room because I needed a break from my apartment. As I was reading my novel, Eric and two girls came in to watch Star Trek. Graciously, Eric invited me to join them. As days and weeks progressed, I hung out with this group more: movie nights, game nights (Take-Over-the-World Tuesdays), temple square, etc.).

One thing that really affected my relationship with Eric is that he believed in me from Day 1 that I could get back on my mission. In fact, mid-November 2010, he gave me a blessing that told me I was going to be a missionary again. It took about eight and a half months for that prophecy to come true, but in the hard times that I had leading up to my mission in Calgary, it gave me something to hold on to.

Eric has become one of my most trusted friends and a big brother to me (to the point where I call his daughter, Rachel, my niece—side note: she is the CUTEST little girl EVER). I know I can always go to him for advice and for support. Eric, because I knew you, I have been changed for the better… because I knew you, I have been changed for good.

With Eric and Emalee (his wife) before I left for Calgary

My old roommate Justin would have to be another one on this list. I lived with him for a short three months, but before and since then, he has been a great friend and a great influence for me. The first time I met Justin was the first Sunday in my new ward in October 2010. I was taken by the bishop (who I’d met earlier in the week) from sacrament meeting to the mission prep class, where Justin was the teacher. Being in a mission prep class with primarily future sister missionaries, the only men in the room were me and Justin. So, after Sunday school hour, Justin showed me where Priesthood was held. In doing so, we realized that Justin was my home teacher. Funny coincidence how the mission prep teacher was my home teacher, huh?

In the three months that Justin was my home teacher, he only taught me a lesson once. Yet, he still remains one of my favorite home teachers that I’ve had down here at BYU. Why? Because I wasn’t a chore and I wasn’t a check-mark to get every month. Justin came to give a message once, but he was available to give me help at any time while he was my home teacher, after assignments got changed, while we were roommates, and even now that he’s married.

Justin was also the first roommate that I’d ever told about my same-sex attraction. Something in regards to SSA was bothering me (I think I was attracted to some guy and I felt ashamed of it, even though I didn’t choose it) and I felt I needed to tell someone. I pulled Justin aside at the apartment (this is while we were roommates) and told him about my SSA. He just chuckled a little and said, “Spencer, I think we were supposed to be roommates.” I was confused, but he expanded on that thought. To say the least, Justin had had a trying mission. In addition to his own trials, he’d also had companions and investigators who had dealt with Aspergers, anxiety, depression, and same-sex attraction (not all at once, necessarily, but he’d known several people who had one or several of these).

Justin taught me a lot about following the Spirit, being willing and ready to help others, having a good positive attitude, and being a good friend. To me, Justin is/was a great example of charity, caring about me even if he didn’t understand exactly what I was dealing with. Justin, because I knew you, I have been changed for the better… because I knew you, I have been changed for good.

With Justin at his wedding reception

Third is Elder Call. I’ve talked about Elder Call a lot. He was my celestial, charitable, Christ-like trainer on my mission, who has potentially changed my life more than anyone else I know. We were paired together at the mission home in Toronto by President Middleton (only a week before the Middletons came home). Previous to being paired up, we (the greenies and the trainers) had done some role playing. As President Middleton told us who our trainers were, Elder Call jumped up and shouted, “We were already companions!” And then he came over and gave me a big hug. It was true… during role playing, Elder Call had chosen me as his companion.

Elder Call (now more commonly known as Jared) taught me about my worth. He pushed me further on all occasions when doing missionary work, because he believed I had so much more potentially than I could see. He taught me about faith and obedience. Elder Call talked to every person he met, just like the mission president taught. In fact, he was heartbroken on the occasions that he had to pass someone up because we were already fifteen minutes late for an appointment and we had ten minutes left to ride on our bikes (those numbers might be slightly exaggerated, but I don’t think so).

Jared Call also taught me about revelation. As I’ve mentioned before, Elder Call was the first person I ever told about my same-sex attraction. That night is still mostly a blur (partly because of how surreal it was, partly because of the two years that have passed since, and partly because of how late at night it was—we were up until 3AM). However, I have been able to recall some details. As we were falling asleep in our respective beds, in a conversation that began with something to do with the law of chastity, the Spirit directed it toward same-sex attraction. Finally, the Spirit gave me a little push that said, “You can trust him.” And the rest is pretty much history. What I didn’t know at the time, but soon learned, was that Elder Call had figured out my secret weeks before. Between impressions from the Spirit and his own “gaydar”, he figured it out.

Though you refuse to accept compliments… though you believe more in me than I could ever believe in myself… though you sometimes tease me endlessly… Jared, because I knew you, I have been changed for the better… because I knew you, I have been changed for good.

With Jared at the Toronto Mission Reunion

Next is Garrett. I’ve talked about Garrett a lot on here. He is my best friend. He is my brother. He is one of my strongest and most supportive allies. I first met Garrett at the end of August 2009. My first recollection of Garrett is actually from the first week in our ward that year, where he introduced himself and told the ward that he loved grammar (you’re still never going to live that down, buddy). The next day, I ran into Garrett on campus and we learned that we had a class together. After that, it wasn’t long before we became good friends. Now that’s the short version of the story (and I promise you the long version is LONG).

Garrett has taught me that I have worth. I am worth loving and I am a friend worth having. Some of you might be saying to yourself, “Duh, Spencer!” but before I met Garrett, I had never had a friend (especially a guy friend) stick around. They all either seemed to move on, seemingly abandoning me, or they moved too far away for a deep friendship to continue to flourish. However, time and time again, Garrett has shown me that he’s in it for the long haul and that we will be great friends for about forever (… now we just need to find girls to marry who can put up with our quirky friendship and who can get alone with each other like we do).

One of the most Christ-like things I’ve experienced with Garrett was this past summer as we were on a road trip together. Maybe it wasn’t the best time to bring it up… but it had been on my mind. So far on our trip we had driven from Grand Rapids, Michigan to Brampton, Ontario to visit members and converts there. After spending a couple days in Brampton, we drove down to Niagara Falls. The night that we got there, we walked up to the falls lit up. On the way back, something had been on my mind… I knew Garrett would be living with me again this fall and I was pretty sure I wanted to tell him about my SSA (note: this was before I had the prompting to start blogging about my SSA)… but I was scared to tell him… what if he reacted badly? I couldn’t lose my best friend over this…

Finally, on our way back to our hotel, things had gone quiet and we didn’t have anything to talk about and I felt that familiar push to talk about it… I told Garrett about my SSA and (while he didn’t see it coming) he couldn’t have reacted better. And in the months that have followed, I have felt his love through his efforts to learn about this issue alongside me. Garrett, because I knew you, I have been changed for the better… because I knew you, I have been changed for good.

With Garrett in Niagara Falls

Finally, I want to talk about my friend “John”. A few months ago, I met John for the first time in person (I’d previously talked to him through Facebook after we connected on North Star). I was in a very dark, depressed place in regards to my same-sex attraction and a mess it had caused for me near the beginning of the semester. Needing help and support from someone who experienced same-sex attraction, I reached out to John over Facebook. We talked and talked. The next time, I met him in person at the Evergreen conference fireside. In the months that have followed, he has been an amazing support for me. He has been there for me to talk to on a near-daily basis. He has hugged me and held me in that embrace when I needed it so desperately. And he has introduced me to so many spiritually strong men with SSA who are committed to living the gospel. I don’t want to give too many details about John on here (in order to keep his identity safe), but I’ve reflecting on this today, because John is leaving to finish his education east of Utah. He’ll be back as soon as he can (because he loves Utah) but I do know that I will miss him. Being older than him slightly, I call him my little brother… and I’m going to miss my little brother a lot. John, because I knew you, I have been changed for the better… because I knew you, I have been changed for good.

Of course, it wouldn’t be my blog if I didn’t bring the Atonement into it… especially with such a serious post. So here it is… Yes, each of these men (Eric, Justin, Jared, Garrett, and John) has made a huge impact on my life… However, if it wasn’t for the Atonement of Jesus Christ, they would not make a lasting impression. I am grateful to know that I have a Savior who is eager for me to improve and become better. And I’m grateful to know that through the Atonement, it gets better.