2015: Year in Review

Another year, another go at the family tradition. Here we go :)

Neatest Place You were in 2015

            Spain! During my study abroad we went all over Spain. My favorite places throughout the country (or at least the three I always tell people about) are Córdoba, Barcelona, and Granada. I was amazed by how much I loved the country. It was beautiful and it felt almost familiar to me. It was a wonderful opportunity to work on my Spanish (still needs work) and get cultured.

Biggest Surprise of the Year

            My biggest surprise this year was work. I quit my job at the MTC Bookstore back in April when I left for my study abroad in Spain. Partway through my study abroad, I learned that I wouldn’t be doing EFY as I’d planned (more on that later), so it became necessary that I start looking for other work. I applied at company called Chrysalis (helping clients with cognitive disabilities live as normal of a life as possible) and got an interview with them shortly after getting back from Spain. I’d originally thought I’d just work as a support staff until I graduated and then MAYBE apply for a full-time position as a house manager or something at the office. In November, the opportunity arose to apply for a manager position, so I applied, because why not? I didn’t get the position I applied for, but they offered me a different manager position at a new house they were setting up, but wouldn’t be open for a couple months. I accepted and did manager training. Then last week I got the news that the new house was taking longer to set up than they originally thought, so instead they wanted me to be manager at the house right next door to where I’ve been working. So I’m going into my last few months of school with a full-time job. I’m both excited and scared! This will be interesting!

Best Movie/TV Show You Watched

            For this one I’ll just lump all of the Marvel Cinematic Universe together. I started really getting into it this year. I saw Avengers: Age of Ultron while I was in Spain (I thought I was going to have to wait until the end of June to go see it) and then later on in the year I saw Ant-Man. Loved both of them! Also, I got into Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD show on TV. A lot of people had issues with season 1 of that show, but I honestly loved it (granted, I also binge-watched the first two seasons of the show over two grave shifts). This year I’m looking forward to Captain America: Civil War and Doctor Strange.

Saddest Day/Time in 2010

            Finding out I wouldn’t be doing EFY. Still don’t know why. Probably never will. I am just grateful to my Heavenly Father for helping me through that hard time. It still hurts at times (I remember crying uncontrollably the day I found out), but at least I’ve been able to see God’s hand through it. For example, if I’d done EFY this summer, I wouldn’t be starting as a manager at work this month, having a full-time job secured before I’m even graduated.

Happiest Day/Time in 2010

            In August, my little brother Tyler got home from his mission. That made it the perfect time for everyone to go back to Alberta for the first time since our family cruise two years ago. With everyone home, and both sets of grandparents there, we got a bunch of family pictures done and I got to spend time with all five of my nephews (as well as all of my siblings, of course). I’m grateful for my family and the temple covenants that bond us. We have our issues, like every family, but I love them.

Best Book/Magazine You’ve Read

            Oddly enough I’m going to pick a textbook. “Spiritual Exodus” was the textbook I used for my Addiction Recovery and Healing class. Great gospel perspective on addiction and finding recovery, both for the addict and for the spouse. My professor from the class (the one who wrote the book) is working on a website for it as well. So that won’t cost $40 at least.

Things you will remember from the news

            What I will remember from the media is the response to the new church policies this fall.  I’ve intentionally steered away from this subject on my blog, so I will just say this on the subject: I know that God calls prophets and apostles to lead us and to teach us His will. I do not know the meaning of all things, but I have a faith in God that includes the equal chance for all of His children to reach the Celestial Kingdom, regardless of their situations.

What would you like to do in 2016?

            Lots of things I want to do in 2016. I got accepted for the Hill Cumorah Pageant again, so (pending getting work off) I’m going there. I’d also like to graduate (planning on walking in April). I’d like to do another mud run this year, since I enjoyed the Dirty Dash. I also wouldn’t mind getting a girlfriend or at the very least going to Disneyland again. I’m mostly just looking to some more adventures and growth in the next year. 

Why Do I Do This?

Why do I do this? Why do I do what I do? Why do I go to church? Why do I do my home teaching? Why do I pay my tithing? Why do I keep the Law of Chastity?

This semester I am blessed to be in a families in world religions class. This week we had a guest speaker talked about Protestantism. Now I listen to a lot of Christian radio (kLOVE is always preset on my car radio) but something he said really struck me.

I knew from growing up around evangelicals that most Christian religions outside Mormonism and Catholicism don't prioritize baptism or works. In fact I was used to hearing those black baptist stereotypes from mission stories praising God because they were saved. I've definitely been one to get lost in the faith vs. works argument and being a perfectionist a lot of that argument was between me and myself in my head.

Thankfully I'm not much of a perfectionist anymore (though I still have my moments). However, as the guest speaker was talking I had a lot of perfectionist friends in mind as he talked about grace. He presented the faith and works scenario in a way that I'd never thought of before. He pointed out that Catholicism (and I'd add many people in Mormonism) view grave and works like this: Faith + good works = salvation. I liked his take on it though: Faith = salvation + good works. He even referenced King Benjamin's people as evidence of this  (having grown up with an LDS best friend and now living in Utah he knows a bit about Mormonism).

I talked to him after the lecture and I have to agree! Why am I doing what I'm doing? Am I doing it to be saved? If so, why? The Savior has already paid the price for my sins and the scriptures say that it's through His merits that I'm saved. What do any of these "good works" matter?

They matter because I love God. How would my life be different if the reason I kept the commandments and did everything I'm "supposed to do" was because I love God?

A year ago I was in a bad place spiritually. I was wrapped up in a thick blanket of insecurity and addiction. Want to know what pulled me out? It was because I finally let God in. I stopped trying to do it and I let Him take control.

Back to the guest speaker, what's my motivation? We talk in the church about "enduring to the end". The guest speaker noted the miserable connotation surrounding that. How many times have I heard members of the church upset because they feel they HAVE to live the gospel or they HAVE to go to church. The people I know who live like this... Miserable.

How would my life be different if I wanted to do all these things? If I want to go to the temple, it's a joy, not a chore. If I want to live the commandments (because I love God enough to trust in His methods), I will find joy in my life, instead of feeling restricted or oppressed.

Living the gospel will never be a chore again if I can keep the love of God in focus. I know why I do what I do. I don't HAVE to keep the commandments, I GET to live the way my Heavenly Father knows will bring me happiness.

Mercies in Disguise (Three Years Later)

Another reflection post? Yeah. What's the occasion today? Well, three years ago today, I was dropped off at the airport by President Brower, had my last conversation with Elder Call as a missionary, and flew home to be picked up by my parents in Alberta.

I remember being worried about going home, going back to Provo, calling a couple of my friends (with no warning that I was coming home), and being back at BYU as a 19-year-old RM. I remember fear. I remember relief. I remember sadness (though no tears came, but I wish they had). I remember vividly that day... The hardest day of my life.

It's been a long road coming to terms with what happened that day. For 11 months, I strived to get back into the mission field and for three months I got my wish in Calgary. In coming back from Calgary, I felt unfulfilled because of some negative experiences that happened there. However as I've grown, as time has passed, and as I have worked through my scars, I have seen how I have been changed and how each experience had taught me something and been for my good.

Many of my followers on this blog did not even know me when this blog started, nor do they likely even know why it started. Unlike many SSA/Gay Mormon blogs out there, this blog did not begin because of SSA. This blog began because of my mission, or rather because I didn't know if I'd be able to serve. After I came home from Toronto, this blog was about trying to go back. I guess because of that it makes sense as to why my blog stayed mostly dormant until last October when my readership exploded (currently my “coming out” post has over 1700 hits since October).

However, the purpose of this blog is still the same. The theme is still the same: "For a Wise Purpose". I thought I knew in January 2010 what that scripture meant. I thought I understood what it meant for all of my experiences to be for a purpose. Maybe I still don't understand. However, I understand a lot better than I did when I started this blog, when I left for Toronto, when I came home, and every experience that has happened since.

I recall a song (it was actually sung as a duet at the June North Star fireside by Ty Mansfield and Katharine Matis Adams) by Christian singer Laura Story that has helped teach me some if these principles recently. The song is called Blessings and I'd like to share part of it. "What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy? ... What if trials if this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights, are your mercies in disguise?" I don't want to go into the song too much, because I talk about it a lot in my Voices of Hope essay, but this song hit home. My greatest desire was to serve Him, but that was not in His plan for me. As a result, coming home became my greatest disappointment. However I have come to understand that my Father knew me better and knew what I needed. And I didn't need the mission field. My place was back here at BYU, my home.

Again, it has taken work, time, and tears for me to get to where I am that the loss of my mission doesn't feel so much like a loss. I feel more aligned to the will of the Lord, being a light and example where I am, instead if where I wish I could have been. Sometimes it's painful to know that of I knew what I knew now, I don't think I would have had to come home... And yet at the same time, would I have learned and grown the way I have had I not come home? No, I wouldn't have. I am the man I am now because the Lord knew me well enough and loves me enough that He hurt me and brought me home.

I know that it is through the Atonement of my Savior that I have been able to grow and I have been better than I once was.

Supermom

So with Mother’s Day having happened this Sunday, I want to shamelessly do a post about how amazing my mother is. She is amazing to me because of all the things she’s done for me and all the things that she has taught me both directly and through her example.

Let’s start off with her ability to love and sacrifice for others. I remember countless times that she would go out of her way to serve others. I remember that when I was a junior in high school she had a brother in the ward over for dinner each night while his wife was in the hospital after breaking her leg. She knew he was going through a hard enough time that he didn’t need to worry about making dinner for himself each night as well.

She is a champion at putting others first! Before she married my dad, she worked as a single mom to provide for herself and for my sister. I’m sure there were many others things she would have rather done than to be a bartender (though she quit that job shortly after joining the church). As long as I was at home, she was always there. It means a lot to me that she was there when I got home from school. She was there on the days when I came home crying because I was bullied. When I had had enough of it at school, she was there to come pick me up and bring me home, somewhere I could feel safe. Until my little brother (Tyler) was in school, she never worked outside the home. We were her top priority. And it wasn’t until Tyler was only a few years from graduating high school that she went back to college when she was fifty to earn her nursing degree. And I would say the only reason she even works outside the home is so that she can pay for trips for our family to get together, since we’re spread out (my sister lives in Colorado, my brother lives in Idaho, I’m in Utah, and the other three kids are in Alberta still), because her family is what has always mattered to her.

She is an example of AMAZING faith. I love the story of the Stripling Warriors for many reasons, but I love it because like them, I learned to have faith from my mother. She has gone through so much in her life. She went through a divorce, worked as a single mom, joined the church, moved from New York to Alberta to marry my dad, endured five C-sections to bring my brothers and I into this world, and she lived on with great faith when she lost one of her children, my baby brother Jay. I was only about 20-months-old when Jay was born/died, but I know how hard it was on my mom. It still affects her. But she lives on because she has faith that because she was married to my dad in the Washington DC Temple on July 17, 1984 that she still has Jay and the rest of us, no matter what happens. She parented me, my brothers, and my sister. She has learned with us as she has taught us. She has learned to followed the Spirit and be an instrument in the hands of the Lord.

I have seen her cry. I have seen her heart break when her children who live far away (me, my brother, and my sister) leave after a vacation or a visit. I have seen her sob when saying goodbye to me as I entered the MTC. She is full of love. She is my angel. She is my hero. I love my mom and I want to be as faithful as she is. She knows what it means to be a disciple of Jesus Christ and that’s how she lives. There is no one that she doesn’t love, because that’s just who she is.

Conference April 2013

Just a summary of things I learned or felt during General Conference April 2013 (NOTE: I may not include much or anything from some of the Seventies’ talks). My favorite talks have two asterisks (**) before the speaker's name and the link is provided to the talk.

Saturday Morning:

Boyd K. Packer – Do what you can to keep your home safe from the adversary. Learn about the Gift of the Holy Ghost and the Atonement. Do not hate the sinner. You cannot choose the consequences to your choices. The world cannot change the laws of God.

Dean M. Davies – Helaman 5:12. Prepare for the “natural disasters” of life. You wouldn’t knowingly build your house on a false foundation.

Elaine S. Dalton – In a demoralizing world, we need people who will stand as witnesses of God at all times.

**Craig A. Cardon – He WANTS to forgive you. You don’t need to be perfect all at once. Be willing to forgive yourself. He understands that you have weaknesses.

M. Russell Ballard – A family needs a husband AND a wife. Don’t forget to do the things that keep a testimony going. If you feel your testimony is less than it should be, then turn to the Savior and look for His living water.

Henry B. Eyring – The Savior wants to be your Friend. Remember and hang onto the times you’ve felt close to the Savior. Pray for those who are astray.

Saturday Afternoon:

**Richard G. Scott – Each of us need a place of refuge. Christ is the source of peace. Good habits lead to good circumstances. What if you referred to the scriptures as often as you sent a text? Love the good attributes of those who are astray. We become like Him one step at a time.

Quentin L. Cook – You can find peace in the storm. D&C 121:7-8. To believe in God is to believe that all the rules are fair. True peace ONLY comes from the Savior.

Stanley G. Ellis – God has shown us how to live. There is an authorized WAY and TIME to express love. Ask where the Lord needs you, not what you need.

David A. Bednar – The Law of Chastity can only be understood in terms of the Plan of Salvation. Both men and women are needed for the Plan of Salvation.

Russell M. Nelson – Our living God is a loving God. You have a purpose here on the Earth. You have the tools to accomplish that mission.

Priesthood Session:

Robert D. Hales – The church will remain constant, no matter where the world moves. We are not authorized to negotiate the Plan of Salvation. Sometimes we must take the heat for the truth. Nehemiah 6:3. You can withstand persecution by standing with Christ.

Tad R. Callister – Increased vision leads to increased motivation. If you want revelation, do your homework. What can you do to prepare your sons to be missionaries?

David L. Beck – Help those around you feel loved. Mocking and teasing have NO place among the saints.

**Dieter F. Uchtdorf – Satan would like to define you by your sins and your weaknesses. We are faltering toddlers, but He loves us anyways. He is not seeking to punish us. Imperfection is not an excuse not to grow. The church was not made for perfect people. The Atonement is not meant to make us the same. We are to be united in our testimonies, but we are all different. You are not overlooked or unwanted by your Father. You are needed in the church. “You are important. You are loved. You are needed.”

Henry B. Eyring – You can expect the Lord to provide a path for you. Your priesthood duties are there to sanctify you.

Thomas S. Monson – Study the scriptures with diligence! Plan your life with purpose! Teach the truth with testimony! Serve the Lord with love! Have you increased in Christ-like attributes today?

Sunday Morning:

**Dieter F. Uchtdorf – Darkness exists, but you don’t have to dwell there. Healing comes when we move away from the darkness and move toward the light. The perfect place to start is where you are RIGHT NOW. The darkness will fade because it cannot exist in the presence of light.

Neil L. Anderson – No force in the world can stop the work of God.

L. Whitney Clayson – The commandments are not a buffet. Do all you can to prepare for marriage!

L. Tom Perry – Agency is the greatest gift we have from God. The commandments are being disregarded by the world. The family is deteriorating. As we give up fidelity in marriage, we destroy society. Sin will ALWAYS be sin.

Thomas S. Monson – You can play with fire, but you can’t control where it spreads or how fast it burns. The great test of this life is obedience.

Sunday Afternoon:

**Jeffrey R. Holland – Mark 9:24. When facing the challenge of faith, the father asserts his strength first. REMEMBER YOUR STRENGTH before looking at your weakness. When problems come and questions arise, do not start your quest for faith by acknowledging what you lack faith in. Ask questions if you need to. Questions are NOT a sin. Be kind regarding human frailty, your own frailty and those around you. God has ALWAYS dealt with imperfect people. You need never apology for “only believing”. Mark 5:36.

Dallin H. Oaks – John 15:19. You are to follow the Savior at ALL TIMES. Pray for guidance. Love your enemies. Forgive those who hurt you.

Enrique Falabella – Anything less than a temple marriage has an expiration date. Show love and affection for those that you love!

D. Todd Christofferson – The Atonement pays the debt that justice owes to us.

Singles Awareness Day

Happy Valentine’s Day! I wish I could say that today was something special for me, but not really. I had class, took a test, and had dinner with the rest of the Spanish house. Nothing out of the ordinary. That being said I’ve felt a lot of peace today and I’m not sure why. You’d think that on a day that is meant for people in a relationship that I would be kinda down (especially since that can be the norm for me some days). Maybe I’m too content being single (not likely). Or maybe it’s something else.

I mentioned to one of my friends (Benjamin) that I’m taking an LDS Marriage/Family class this semester. He told me taking a class about dating, marriage, and stuff would drive him insane. Normally, I’d think so too. Yet that’s not the case. Instead I’ve enjoyed it a lot. By no means is it a marriage prep class (though if you were to go to it with that intent, it’d work). Instead, it’s a doctrinal class about the purpose of marriage and family. You’d think that for someone who finds it hard at times to be attracted to girls, it’d be really annoying. Instead, it’s given me hope in order to find the daughter of God that I will take to the temple. More than that, I’ve learned things that will help me to know how to treat her right.

I’ve got a lot of emotional and mental baggage and I honestly feel like it’ll take someone amazing to overlook that. To overlook my autism, my SSA, my anxieties, and my goofy looking face. Someone prepared by the Lord. Someone with unfathomable amounts of charity. I look forward to finding out who that will be and I pray that I will be worthy of her. Until then, I will do my best to trust in the Father’s plan and take my search one day at a time (or one date at a time).

Looking forward to a future day with a beautiful
girl beside me at a temple like this 

Shame, Faith, Fear, and Joy

Another late night blog post. This one is for Alex. Tonight, he is extremely scared that his roommate has inadvertently learned about his SSA. As such, Alex is having a hard time. He’s scared to talk to his roommate about it, but he also is scared to just wait and hope for it to blow over. In the midst of that, he has been dealing with shame surrounding his SSA these last few days, which I didn’t realize.

In texting me about his fears and his shame, Alex said to me “I don’t want to deal with this! Why What awful thing did I do before this life to merit dealing with such a terrible punishment? I just want to be normal! I just want to be happy… I haven’t been truly happy for years. What does God want from me now? Sometimes I just wish God would just let me be.” My heart broke getting these texts from Alex after I left his place. I’ve been there… I think many members of the church with SSA have been there… we struggle with “Why would God give me something so controversial?” However, there is no simple answer to that question.

I don’t know why I have this attraction to men. I don’t know why the Lord gave it to me. However, there are some things I do know. Number one: If I serve God and love Him, all things will work together for my good. Number two: I know that every trial I go through will give me experience and will benefit me in the end. In may not be soon, Alex, but as you continue to follow the Lord, you will begin to see your SSA as a blessing more and as a curse less. Number three: Our purpose here in this life, and God’s purpose for sending us here, is to make us happy and give us joy. He will NEVER give us anything that is intended to cause us misery if we give it time. Yes, things are hard and we get sad and hurt sometimes, but no, we don’t have to stay that way. Number four: Jesus Christ, our Older Brother, our Savior, and our Redeemer, felt all the sadness, pain, hurt, and shame that we go through in this life. The beautiful thing about that is that He could have learned how that hurt and shame felt through the Spirit, but He chose to experience it for Himself because He loves YOU so much. He is your friend and He will never abandon you.

I wish I could formulate my words better, but it is past 1:00 AM and all I can do right now is to bear my testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. And there is no way I know better to bear testimony of it than how I have already done, by referencing scripture. The Lord loves you and that will NEVER change. To Alex, everything will be okay. To everyone else, please keep Alex in your prayers.

Changed for the Better

It’s that time of year again. December 14… about half way through the final month of the year… finals are over, people are heading home for Christmas, and some people won’t be coming back next semester (whether for mission, because they graduated, or for other reason). However, the imprint they leave on our lives is irreversible. So today, I just wanted to talk about five people I am grateful for… their presence and influence in my life has changed me so much (if you are not one of the five, trust me, I’m sure your presence in my life has affected me too).

First, I want to start out with a little snippet from the Broadway play “Wicked” (SPOILER ALERT: If you haven’t seen/read Wicked, and you don’t want to be spoiled, skip to the next paragraph). Near the end of the play, Glinda finds Elfaba and they reconnect after the death of Nessa and the presumed death of Fiyero. Elfaba gives the Grimmerie to Glinda and asks her to take on her cause, because she knows that with her own reputation, she will not be able to change things. However, Glinda has the influence and power to make good things happen in Oz. After this encounter, Elfaba and Glinda never expect to see each other again (which they don’t). In the play, their goodbye is in the song entitled “For Good”. Reflecting back on their relationship and their friendship—and themselves—they realize that their friendship has influenced who they have become.

The first person I want to talk about is my friend Eric. I met Eric in October 2010. A month before I met him, I had returned from my mission in Toronto and I was still having a very hard time with it. I was confused about what I was to do. Why had I come home? Was I supposed to go back? Was I supposed to look toward marriage instead? How did my same-sex attraction play into that, whether my next step was to go on my mission again or if I was to look toward marriage?

The first memory I have of Eric is at a mix and mingle (we called it “Sweet Swap”) after ward prayer one week. Having heard that I was looking for a job, Eric offered to drive me to a job interview if I needed it. Knowing that I had to be able to walk to the job anyway, I declined his offer. However, that was not where things ended with Eric by any means. A couple weeks later, I was in the Rec Room because I needed a break from my apartment. As I was reading my novel, Eric and two girls came in to watch Star Trek. Graciously, Eric invited me to join them. As days and weeks progressed, I hung out with this group more: movie nights, game nights (Take-Over-the-World Tuesdays), temple square, etc.).

One thing that really affected my relationship with Eric is that he believed in me from Day 1 that I could get back on my mission. In fact, mid-November 2010, he gave me a blessing that told me I was going to be a missionary again. It took about eight and a half months for that prophecy to come true, but in the hard times that I had leading up to my mission in Calgary, it gave me something to hold on to.

Eric has become one of my most trusted friends and a big brother to me (to the point where I call his daughter, Rachel, my niece—side note: she is the CUTEST little girl EVER). I know I can always go to him for advice and for support. Eric, because I knew you, I have been changed for the better… because I knew you, I have been changed for good.

With Eric and Emalee (his wife) before I left for Calgary

My old roommate Justin would have to be another one on this list. I lived with him for a short three months, but before and since then, he has been a great friend and a great influence for me. The first time I met Justin was the first Sunday in my new ward in October 2010. I was taken by the bishop (who I’d met earlier in the week) from sacrament meeting to the mission prep class, where Justin was the teacher. Being in a mission prep class with primarily future sister missionaries, the only men in the room were me and Justin. So, after Sunday school hour, Justin showed me where Priesthood was held. In doing so, we realized that Justin was my home teacher. Funny coincidence how the mission prep teacher was my home teacher, huh?

In the three months that Justin was my home teacher, he only taught me a lesson once. Yet, he still remains one of my favorite home teachers that I’ve had down here at BYU. Why? Because I wasn’t a chore and I wasn’t a check-mark to get every month. Justin came to give a message once, but he was available to give me help at any time while he was my home teacher, after assignments got changed, while we were roommates, and even now that he’s married.

Justin was also the first roommate that I’d ever told about my same-sex attraction. Something in regards to SSA was bothering me (I think I was attracted to some guy and I felt ashamed of it, even though I didn’t choose it) and I felt I needed to tell someone. I pulled Justin aside at the apartment (this is while we were roommates) and told him about my SSA. He just chuckled a little and said, “Spencer, I think we were supposed to be roommates.” I was confused, but he expanded on that thought. To say the least, Justin had had a trying mission. In addition to his own trials, he’d also had companions and investigators who had dealt with Aspergers, anxiety, depression, and same-sex attraction (not all at once, necessarily, but he’d known several people who had one or several of these).

Justin taught me a lot about following the Spirit, being willing and ready to help others, having a good positive attitude, and being a good friend. To me, Justin is/was a great example of charity, caring about me even if he didn’t understand exactly what I was dealing with. Justin, because I knew you, I have been changed for the better… because I knew you, I have been changed for good.

With Justin at his wedding reception

Third is Elder Call. I’ve talked about Elder Call a lot. He was my celestial, charitable, Christ-like trainer on my mission, who has potentially changed my life more than anyone else I know. We were paired together at the mission home in Toronto by President Middleton (only a week before the Middletons came home). Previous to being paired up, we (the greenies and the trainers) had done some role playing. As President Middleton told us who our trainers were, Elder Call jumped up and shouted, “We were already companions!” And then he came over and gave me a big hug. It was true… during role playing, Elder Call had chosen me as his companion.

Elder Call (now more commonly known as Jared) taught me about my worth. He pushed me further on all occasions when doing missionary work, because he believed I had so much more potentially than I could see. He taught me about faith and obedience. Elder Call talked to every person he met, just like the mission president taught. In fact, he was heartbroken on the occasions that he had to pass someone up because we were already fifteen minutes late for an appointment and we had ten minutes left to ride on our bikes (those numbers might be slightly exaggerated, but I don’t think so).

Jared Call also taught me about revelation. As I’ve mentioned before, Elder Call was the first person I ever told about my same-sex attraction. That night is still mostly a blur (partly because of how surreal it was, partly because of the two years that have passed since, and partly because of how late at night it was—we were up until 3AM). However, I have been able to recall some details. As we were falling asleep in our respective beds, in a conversation that began with something to do with the law of chastity, the Spirit directed it toward same-sex attraction. Finally, the Spirit gave me a little push that said, “You can trust him.” And the rest is pretty much history. What I didn’t know at the time, but soon learned, was that Elder Call had figured out my secret weeks before. Between impressions from the Spirit and his own “gaydar”, he figured it out.

Though you refuse to accept compliments… though you believe more in me than I could ever believe in myself… though you sometimes tease me endlessly… Jared, because I knew you, I have been changed for the better… because I knew you, I have been changed for good.

With Jared at the Toronto Mission Reunion

Next is Garrett. I’ve talked about Garrett a lot on here. He is my best friend. He is my brother. He is one of my strongest and most supportive allies. I first met Garrett at the end of August 2009. My first recollection of Garrett is actually from the first week in our ward that year, where he introduced himself and told the ward that he loved grammar (you’re still never going to live that down, buddy). The next day, I ran into Garrett on campus and we learned that we had a class together. After that, it wasn’t long before we became good friends. Now that’s the short version of the story (and I promise you the long version is LONG).

Garrett has taught me that I have worth. I am worth loving and I am a friend worth having. Some of you might be saying to yourself, “Duh, Spencer!” but before I met Garrett, I had never had a friend (especially a guy friend) stick around. They all either seemed to move on, seemingly abandoning me, or they moved too far away for a deep friendship to continue to flourish. However, time and time again, Garrett has shown me that he’s in it for the long haul and that we will be great friends for about forever (… now we just need to find girls to marry who can put up with our quirky friendship and who can get alone with each other like we do).

One of the most Christ-like things I’ve experienced with Garrett was this past summer as we were on a road trip together. Maybe it wasn’t the best time to bring it up… but it had been on my mind. So far on our trip we had driven from Grand Rapids, Michigan to Brampton, Ontario to visit members and converts there. After spending a couple days in Brampton, we drove down to Niagara Falls. The night that we got there, we walked up to the falls lit up. On the way back, something had been on my mind… I knew Garrett would be living with me again this fall and I was pretty sure I wanted to tell him about my SSA (note: this was before I had the prompting to start blogging about my SSA)… but I was scared to tell him… what if he reacted badly? I couldn’t lose my best friend over this…

Finally, on our way back to our hotel, things had gone quiet and we didn’t have anything to talk about and I felt that familiar push to talk about it… I told Garrett about my SSA and (while he didn’t see it coming) he couldn’t have reacted better. And in the months that have followed, I have felt his love through his efforts to learn about this issue alongside me. Garrett, because I knew you, I have been changed for the better… because I knew you, I have been changed for good.

With Garrett in Niagara Falls

Finally, I want to talk about my friend “John”. A few months ago, I met John for the first time in person (I’d previously talked to him through Facebook after we connected on North Star). I was in a very dark, depressed place in regards to my same-sex attraction and a mess it had caused for me near the beginning of the semester. Needing help and support from someone who experienced same-sex attraction, I reached out to John over Facebook. We talked and talked. The next time, I met him in person at the Evergreen conference fireside. In the months that have followed, he has been an amazing support for me. He has been there for me to talk to on a near-daily basis. He has hugged me and held me in that embrace when I needed it so desperately. And he has introduced me to so many spiritually strong men with SSA who are committed to living the gospel. I don’t want to give too many details about John on here (in order to keep his identity safe), but I’ve reflecting on this today, because John is leaving to finish his education east of Utah. He’ll be back as soon as he can (because he loves Utah) but I do know that I will miss him. Being older than him slightly, I call him my little brother… and I’m going to miss my little brother a lot. John, because I knew you, I have been changed for the better… because I knew you, I have been changed for good.

Of course, it wouldn’t be my blog if I didn’t bring the Atonement into it… especially with such a serious post. So here it is… Yes, each of these men (Eric, Justin, Jared, Garrett, and John) has made a huge impact on my life… However, if it wasn’t for the Atonement of Jesus Christ, they would not make a lasting impression. I am grateful to know that I have a Savior who is eager for me to improve and become better. And I’m grateful to know that through the Atonement, it gets better.

Light on the Horizon

Hey! Just a small post for today. I was looking at my blog and I felt like I wanted a new banner for my blog. I absolutely love the picture of me and President Brower that I'd used for my banner for a while after I got back (it's been my Facebook profile picture pretty much the whole time I've been back and it will stay that way until I'm cleared to return). Instead of that, I decided to use this sunset picture. I took this picture as I was coming out of the Provo Temple one evening. I don't know how, but last semester, I had a habit of coming out of the temple at the PERFECT moments to see the PERFECT sunsets.

I chose this for my new banner because I can now see the light on the horizon. For those of you who are wondering if this means I'm now officially going back, the answer is NO. Trust me, it'll be VERY obvious when I post about that. I'm planning on titling that post as "Called to Serve... Again". Anyway, it's time to get back on topic.

Last week, I had an appointment with LDS Family Services (the 5th I've had... I think) and amongst other topics my counselor (Brother Gibbons) told me that once March rolls around, he wants to start working on me applying to return to my mission after this semester is over.

But no matter what's going on in our lives, we can always see the light if we try. Though we may be in a dark tunnel of trials, if we focus on our Savior and His atoning sacrifice and move forward with faith (as I mentioned in my last post), we can always have hope (see Ether 12:4). Even as I write this, I feel very hypocritical because this is something I need to work on, but in my heart I know this is true.

Forward with Faith

This song is from the EFY 2000 CD. This song is called Forward with Faith (hence the title of this post). I first heard this song while I was on my mission and I love it! There are some specific words from the chorus that I love: "Fear is like the clouds that veil the Earth from the sun. Faith is like the morning rays that break when night is done. And though the fear inside me says that all my hope is gone, faith in Heaven lifts me up and shouts "I've just begun!""

For those who don't know, I am fully fledged on getting back on my mission, though I don't know exactly when or how that's going to happen. It's definitely not happening before next May (I'm going to a semester of school first) but I'm positive it's going to happen. However, sometimes the adversary will get at me and try to get me to doubt my ability to serve again. To that, my faith lifts me and shouts "I've just begun!" I still have a lot of work to do, and I'm not giving up!!! I will keep fighting until this war against sin is over!

A Step Into the Dark

So we didn’t expect me to personally post on here again so soon, huh? Here’s the deal now…

I’ve come home from my mission early. Because of the normal stresses of a mission and my having Aspergers, as well as other random stresses of life I was having, my stress was compounded and by the twelfth week I was in the field (15 weeks total), I was becoming less and less effective, to the point where I was having mental breakdowns almost every day. As a result, President Brower (my mission president), who had known about the building stresses for some time, with the advice of Brother Miller, a psychiatrist at LDS Family Services in Etobicoke, Ontario suggested that I take a break from my mission. Last Tuesday (September 14) President Brower told me that I was officially being extended an honorable medical release from my mission, with the possibility of returning when this is all sorted out.

Now some may wonder why I’m going into so much detail on this. I know that my parents have told me that I don’t need to explain all the situation in detail to anyone, but I am not ashamed of being sent home early for medical reasons, even if they are psychological medical reasons. I know for a fact that my Heavenly Father is pleased with the work I performed in Brampton, Ontario these last three months. He has blessed me so much for all that I’ve done and I wouldn’t trade those three months for anything.

I’m not sure if I’m going to go back to my mission, to complete the other 21 months. I honestly don’t know. All I know is that right now, I’m where Heavenly Father needs me. I would love to go back and finish, but now it’s more important to me to follow my Father’s plan for me. For all I know, those three and a half months were all He needed me in the field for.

But even if I don’t go back, I feel as though I’ve had a full mission experience (not that I would say no to more of that experience, of course): I was able to participate in a saving ordinance for someone we’d taught (Louie). I had an amazing companion who was more amazing and charitable and loving than I could have ever expected (Elder Call). I experienced being transferred to a new area (out of Creditview and into Heart Lake) and white-washing that area (for those of you who don’t know, white-washing is when both missionaries are new in the area after a transfer). I experienced how it felt when an investigator who is so close to baptism has to delay that amazing blessing because they don’t believe they can pay tithing (Tek). For three days, while my companion was at leadership training, I even got to experience being senior companion. I experienced the efforts that go into reactivating people and families. I even got to teach a Sunday School class one week when the Ward Mission Leader was away! Not only did I have all these experiences that most missionaries have, but because of the things that happened to me, I think I may have had more interaction with my mission president in three months than some missionaries have in two years.

I have no regrets coming home. I know for a fact that my efforts have been accepted by the Lord. Seven months ago, I didn’t know if I’d ever get to serve a mission at all. Perhaps those three months I got were just Heavenly Father’s way of granting my wish, before having me move on to bigger and better things. I don’t know. Those three months mean everything to me. If it’s part of His plan, I know that there will be a time when Heavenly Father will send me out again. Until then, my mission president said to live like I’m done my mission, but work toward being able to come back.

One thing I really want to get across in this post is the same as something I said to my mom as I called her from President Brower’s office, just before leaving for the airport: This is right. There is a powerful testimony in those three words, as President Brower noted to me afterward. How amazing is that that I know that this is right? Many people have wondered, since I got home, if I’m okay. I assume it’s because many missionaries who come home early for medical reasons get depressed. That’s not me. By the time I got to the mission home on Wednesday to go to the airport with President Brower, I was at peace with this.

I know that I’m on the path of where my Father needs me to be. I have no clue what that is, but I know that He knows and He will lead me by the hand as I take each step forward into the dark. His plan is perfect and it’s by following His plan that we can and will obtain the greatest happiness.

I say these things in the sacred name of my older Brother and Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.

--Spencer