2014: Year in Review

I’m a bit behind, but it’s time to do the 2014 year in review. I’ve done it on my blog for the past two years. Before that it was a family tradition to keep record of the highlights of the year.

Neatest Place You were in 2014

My favorite place that I was this past year was the Hill Cumorah Pageant. Pageant was an amazing spiritual experience and I made some amazing friends. Being back where I first felt like I found myself in 2009 helped strengthen my testimony. I made amazing friends who I still love to keep in touch with. Since getting home they have been some of my greatest supports in my trying times.

Mom and Dad came to see Pageant a couple of the nights

Biggest Surprise of the Year

My biggest surprise of the year (or at least one of them) was probably while I was at Disneyland. I’ve always loved the character Dug from Up. I was at Disneyland with David and as we were walking through California Adventure we found out there was an opportunity for a meet and greet with Dug. I had heard about that happening at Disney World, but I didn’t know he was in California Adventure as well. So I was able to give that big fluffy loving puppy a big hug! SQUIRREL!

"I have just met you and I love you."

Best TV Show/Movie You Watched

The best movie I watched this year was The Lego Movie. Super fun and it spoke to my inner child. Not only that but every time I watch it I get such a self-esteem boost! I am important because I am me and I can change the world just by doing that. Most simply put, I am the special! One of my favorite exchanges in the movie is between Emmett and Vitruvius when Emmett finds out that he is not really the Special but it’s up to him to become the hero anyway. He says to ghost Vitruvius, “how could I just decide to believe that I'm special when I'm not?” Vitruvius replies, “Because the world depends on it.” My world depends on me choosing to believe I’m special and that decision can change the world.

Garrett and Sara dressed as Emmett and Wildstyle for Halloween

Saddest Day/Time in 2014

I went through a bit of a hard time during the end of the year. School is tiring and life is stressful, self-esteem can be hard to maintain. Basically it’s life. I am grateful for the Lord and His grace to help me get to where I am now and that I don’t always have to feel like that. Particularly November was hard. I won’t go into personal details, but I went through some stuff trying to figure out who I am. Though it was a dark and gloomy place, I am grateful that the Lord was able to teach me and that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I don’t have to stay there forever.

Happiest Day/Time in 2014

With such great adventures this year it’s hard to pick one happiest time. One of my happiest moments was being in the Sacred Grove again while I was in Pageant. I got the opportunity to walk through the grove, praying, reading, and recording my thoughts. I wrote my testimony while I was there and I am grateful for the Spirit I was able to feel while I was there in the sacred, hallowed wood.

(Thank you Emily for taking this picture)

Best Book/Magazine You’ve Read

I’m not sure if I read any new books this year. However, I did re-read “The Brothers” by Christ Stewart this summer and then I listened to it again while I was on my trip to California with David. This book has helped me feel of my Savior’s love. I’m not saying the book is doctrine, but some of the parts of the book involving Jehovah or the Father talking to the children have been amazing in helping me feel of their love and support for me in my journey. One of my favorite parts is near the end of the book; The Father tells His children that though they will be leaving for Earth soon and they will forget their lives with Him, He will send them reminders of His love: a mother’s kiss, a father’s blessing, words of the prophets, etc. I am grateful to have these things in my life to remind me of how much my Father loves me.

I love forward to this hug

Things You Will Remember From the News

The biggest thing I remember from the news this year is the death of Robin Williams. I grew up watching Aladdin and Mrs. Doubtfire and I remember watching Dead Poet Society in high school. Hearing that he had committed suicide was a surprise to me. It was a reminder to me that depression doesn’t discriminate. In addition, I find it amazing and admirable that though he was hurting on the inside, he still made it his purpose in life to help others laugh. That being said, I’d like to state the fact that suicide is preventable. I went to a suicide prevention training this fall for my internship and that’s one thing I came away from it with: Depression is treatable and suicide is preventable. If you are struggling with depression and/or suicide ideation, please get help. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline for help at any time if you’re struggling: 1 (800) 273-8255. Please don’t give up.

RIP Robin Williams

Favorite Talk in Church/Conference

I don’t know if it was my favorite, but he is definitely my favorite speaker. This past April, Elder Holland talked about standing up for our faith. It may not be popular (it rarely is) and it may not be easy (I’d say it never is), but because we are followers of Jesus Christ, it’s something we must do. Though others may tear the church down, we have to stand strong in our standards and fight against the adversary. We need to love our brothers and sisters, despite persecution we may receive. We are the people of Christ and we need to show it.

What Would You Like to Do In 2015?

2015 has the making of a crazy adventure for me. I’ve been accepted to a study abroad in Spain this spring term (May and June) and then I’m hoping to be an EFY counselor for the rest of the summer. In addition to all of that, this fall I start my final year of my undergraduate degree. Also, if all goes well with my seminary teacher training class this semester, I’ll be teaching seminary this fall. The only thing for sure is that I will be going to Spain. Everything else I’d love to do, that’s in the Lord’s hands and as I surrender my will to Him, I know He can make more out of my life than I ever could.

¡Estoy animado para ir a ese templo en Madrid!

Alright, that’s my year in review for 2014. Hopefully yours was good too. I’m looking forward to another great year of testimony building, growth, and adventures. It may not be easy, but I think it can always be miraculous if we let it (remind me of that the next time I start stressing).

Bringing Zion Home

Last week I flew back to Utah. That means it's been a little over a week since I left the Zion-like community known as the Hill Cumorah Pageant. The other day I was talking with a Pageant friend about this. I told her that Pageant was one of the most Zion-like places I've been (the other one being North Star firesides and gatherings). She responded in agreement and expressing that she can't wait for that day to come for real. It got me thinking and I told her that in the meantime I want to do my best to bring Zion to my ward, because I don't believe we have to wait.

The scriptures say that Zion is a people of one heart and one mind who dwell in righteousness (Moses 7:18). Historically it has been a physical location (i.e. The City of Enoch, Jerusalem perhaps, and for a time Independence, Missouri). It will also be a physical place in the future in Independence. However, in the meantime, I believe we can have Zion in the church. I have my issues with Mormon culture, so I wouldn't trick myself into thinking "all is well in Zion" (2 Nephi 28:21) but I have felt Zion before. I've had wards that have felt like Zion. I've been to North Star firesides that just felt like home. And of course, as I mentioned earlier, the Hill Cumorah Pageant. I know it's possible, but now it is a matter of bringing that feeling of Zion with me to my current ward, or at the very least my group of friends. I cannot live (permanently) at the Hill Cumorah Pageant or at North Star firesides. However, I can work on building my own spiritual strength, building others up, and creating Zion in my circle of influence.

Letters from the Hill, Part 3

"And now I bid unto all, farewell. I soon go to rest in the paradise of God, until my spirit and body shall again reunite, and I am brought forth triumphant through the air, to meet you before the pleasing bar of the great Jehovah, the Eternal Judge of both quick and dead. Amen." (Moroni 10:34)

It's hard to believe that my time at the Hill Cumorah has come to a close. Last night was our last performance and today my parents are picking me up from the Hill. It has been such a blessing to be here and to be where prophets have been. I am grateful that repeatedly the Lord witnessed to me that this is where I've needed to be. By no means has it been easy. In fact, it's one of the most draining, exhausting experiences I've had. However, it's also been an amazing, spiritual learning experience. Every performance I could name something different that I learned. I've met amazing people. I've grown and I've had the experience that I needed to have.

It was such a blessing each night to be able to see a man in white descend onto the stage portraying the Savior. Though I know in my mind that he was just a man on  a stage, his face showed the light of the Savior. It was such a blessing to see that portrayal each night and ponder on how the Savior would interact with me if he was here. Surely he'd treat me better than I've treated myself. Just as I saw that man on stage portraying the Savior hug the little primary boy each night, I know the Savior would embrace me in His arms. I have felt those healing arms around me on some of my hardest days and I know that He loves me. I know He sacrificed Himself and suffered to redeem me and to change me into a better man. Because of Him, I feel hope. Because of Him, I know there is always hope. Because of Him, I know I can be happy every day of my life, even in turmoil and disappointment. Because of Him, there is always something to be grateful for. 

Now like Moroni (sort of) I bid you farewell, Cumorah, until the Lord brings me back here again.  

Letters from the Hill, Part 2

I'm at the Sacred Grove and I just feel the desire to share my testimony.

know that what Joseph claimed is true. He saw God and Jesus Christ. I know Joseph translated the Book of Mormon. I know he restored the Gospel to the Earth. It is because of all of this that I am here. There is nowhere else I would have rather spent this July. It has been such an amazing blessing to be at the birthplace of the Restoration, to stand where prophets, both ancient and modern, stood. When I see the man portraying the Savior on stage in the Pageant, I see the Savior and I desire to come closer to Him. I know that He is the only sure foundation I can rely on. People disappoint, friends move away, but the Savior will forever be close to me, as long as I remain close to Him.

Letters from the Hill, Part 1

It's now day four at the Hill Cumorah Pageant. I've been blessed to have a good group of people  to call my cast team and my home base. I've been blessed to see old friends (including my cast team leaders from when I was 10) and to begin to forge new friendships. I was cast to be a Lamanite warrior in the Pageant, so I'll be in three scenes: the big fight scene after the Nephites and Lamanites separate, the burning of King Noah, and the big swarm of Lamanites known as the tsunami resulting in Mormon's death (sorry, spoiler alert: Mormon dies).

Yesterday was a calm, relaxing day to focus in the spiritual side of the stories we're portraying. There is a calm spirit here. The moment I arrived I felt at home again (you should have seen my giddy face when I arrived--it was similar to the picture above). I feel so blessed to stand on this holy ground where prophets have stood and where angels have visited. It feels like Zion. The only thing similar I've been to is North Star firesides.

In addition, it's just so beautiful here. I miss my Utah mountains, but I'm amazed by how green it is here. I love all the big trees! This is where the Lord needs me to be and I am so grateful to Him for this opportunity to serve Him and to be a missionary again. I know that the gospel was restored in this town. Just a few miles from where I am now, the Father and the Son appeared to Joseph Smith. At this very hill that I'm sitting by, the Angel Moroni gave the golden plates to Joseph that became the Book of Mormon. I know all this to be true because the Holy Ghost has witnessed it to my heart.

Preparing for Cumorah, Part 3

The day is finally here!!! As I type this, I'm on the train headed to Rochester. There will be someone there from Pageant to drive me to the Hill Cumorah. I can't believe it's finally here! Being out here, I have had the opportunity to reflect on a few things. 

First, it's been nearly seven months since I got my acceptance to Pageant. December 15 was the exact day, actually (the blessing of keeping a journal). I'll be honest: the past seven months haven't been easy. Even earlier that day, December 15, I was having an super emotional day. Throughout the whole thing, I've moved twice, I've had friendship/dependency issues, and I had one of the most difficult semesters of my college career (coincidentally it was also the most successful semester I've had). I didn't realize it until recently when David pointed it out to me, but these trials could have easily been reasons to doubt my faith. While it didn't cross my mind to cancel my trip and drop out of Pageant, if I had chosen to doubt my faith, it would have made the trip pointless. I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who has patiently and gently (sometimes less gently when I need a good shove or a smack to the face spiritually) taught me and brought me to where I am now. I have a stronger testimony now of His love and His perfect timing. One hard day in particular, I remember crying and grieving a struggle I was going through. Once I was done, humbled, and ready to listen to truth, a phone call came from the exact friend I needed (literally, just as I was finished crying my phone vibrated). God is there and I know He loves me. 

Second reflection: it's been five years since I was in the cast of the Pageant before. That was before I started BYU. It was before I started this blog. It was before my mission. It was before I even accepted that SSA was really a part of my life, as opposed to just attached to my addiction (I don't think I've written here on that, but I mention it in my Voices of Hope essay and possibly my video). It was five years ago that I really first felt free of that addiction. In fact it was at Pageant that that miracle began. A lot has happened in the past five years: I've done several years at BYU, I left on my mission (twice), I came home from my mission (twice), I opened up to EVERYONE in my life about my SSA (that dark secret that I was never going to tell ANYONE), I have worked through (and continue to work through) feelings of dependency and codependency, I have made amazing friends, and (arguably most importantly) I have begun to accept my Heavenly Father's love and to believe that I am worthy of love. I am happier now than I remember being in a long time and largely that is because I've chosen to be happy. Life isn't always pleasant and I have bad days, but life is always worth living and it is always worth striving to be happy. As is mentioned various times in Pageant (quoting Alma) I have "felt a change in [my] heart" and I know that that change has come through the Savior Jesus Christ. He is the whole reason this Pageant is happening. He is the whole reason anything happens. Without Him, all of this mortal experience would be wasted.

I'm a couple hours away from Rochester, so I'll close this now. I'll try to make updates while I'm gone, but I just want to leave my testimony (the same as the last line from the Pageant--unless I'm remembering incorrectly): He lives and He will come again. 

Preparing for Cumorah, Part 2

Today I'm finishing off Moroni 10, so I've finished reading the Book of Mormon cover-to-cover for the first time in years (usually I just jump around). As part of us preparing ourselves for Pageant, the Pageant Presidency asked us it read it through before we got to the Hill. So I started over. It's been cool to read it through again. I've gained some cool insights and it has put some things in perspective. I also learned some cool facts that I'd never considered before. I'd like to share some of them.

Photo Credit to Garrett Wilkes :)

First off, just a cool fact (mixed with speculation), did you realize Alma the Elder was in his 70s at the time his son was converted? I always thought he was middle aged. Also, if Alma the Elder was that old, how old was his son? I'd always thought he was a teenager... Instead he was more likely middle-aged).

On a related note, one of the stories that really impressed me during this read of the Book of Mormon was Alma the Younger's conversion. We get Mormon's abridged version in Mosiah, but I love Alma's first-person re-telling of it in Alma 36. In addition, I love what he says in Alma 5, that though he saw an angel, he attributes his conversion to having "fasted and prayed many days" (Alma 5:46). As we see through the scriptures, signs do not convert: Laman and Lemuel saw an angel (1 Nephi 3:29) and only moments later doubted God's power (1 Nephi 3:31), Korihor was struck dumb (Alma 30:49) but had that curse been taken away he would not have changed his behavior (Alma 30:55), and the list goes on.

Sometimes I really want something concrete that without doubt the Lord is there or to simply give me a sign. At times I think I have gotten these little signs, but those things are easy to forget. More important for me than concrete signs is to consistently connect with God and feel His love. His love is always available, but I have to be willing to seek after it through scriptures, prayers, hikes in nature, looking at the stars, reading my patriarchal blessing, etc. If I look He is always there.

Another story I loved in this read of the Book of Mormon was 3 Nephi 9-10. Simultaneous with the crucifixion, the Nephites and the Lamanites were hit with destruction throughout the Americas. Cities sank into the sea, others were burned, earthquakes, floods, etc. After through destruction stopped, the voice of the Savior permeated the land. His sweet merciful voice pleaded with those who were "more righteous than [those who perished]" (3 Nephi 9:13) to "repent and return unto [Him] with full purpose of heart" (3 Nephi 10:6).

I have two thoughts from this that I want to share. First, these were the more righteous people of the Nephites and the Lamanites. And yet, the Lord implored them to repent. It is tempting for me to think that I'm doing well and to feel really good about it. It is good and healthy to recognize my progress and not discount my positive traits just to make myself feel "humble" (which in my opinion is a shadow form of humility). However, I need to not get complacent and forget the need that I have for the Savior and His Atonement. I need to continually "press forward with a steadfastness in Christ" (2 Nephi 31:20).

I love the Book of Mormon. It is truly the word of God. I have felt such peace as I've read through it over the past six months. I'm excited to share my testimony of this volume of scripture with those who attend the Pageant this summer. :)

Preparing for Cumorah, Part 1

In December I got the amazing news that I would be returning to the Hill Cumorah Pageant. My mom grew up a couple hours from Palmyra, so I've grown up visiting Palmyra. The first time I remember seeing Pageant was in 1998 (though I also saw it at a year and half old in 1992). Three years later at the age of 10 I was in the cast of the Pageant with my family. That year I got to play Laman's son in the journey to the Americas. Seven years later I was in the cast again and I played a Lamanite warrior (spoiler alert: I died). Two years ago, my parents and my little brother were in the cast, so during my road trip with Garrett, we visited and watched the last full run through before the dress rehearsal. This year, I have the amazing opportunity to participate again.

So first, a quick FAQ about the Hill Cumorah Pageant:

No, it doesn't have any singing. You do not have to be musically talented to be in it (which explains why I can do it). There are some dancers, but that's kind of minor. Most people end up being in cried scenes. 

No, I do not know what part I'll be playing. I report to the Hill Cumorah on July 4. That night they have casting and in the days following they assign parts. So I will not find out who I'm playing until I get there (likely it won't be anyone with an actual name).

I'm at the Hill from July 4 until July 20. There are seven performances: July 11-12 and July 14-19. The dress rehearsal is July 10 and there is a full run through (without costumes) on July 9.

The members of the cast get trained by the missionaries there to proselyte and bear testimony to the audience members, both members of the church and friends of other faiths. 

If you can't tell, I'm really excited. One month from tomorrow I'll be at the Hill and this adventure will begin. If you live out east, I recommend coming, even if it means driving a while. It is an amazing experience and it changed my life :)