Grateful to be "Gay"

The idea for this post was probably a long time coming, but I definitely decided to turn it into a post, after reading Josh Weed’s post on the North Star Northern Lights blog called “Thanksgiving, SSA Style”. In a funny way, it’s something I’ve thought about quite a bit recently.

I mentioned in my original SSA post (by the way, as of today, it’s been six weeks since I did that post… wow!) that I’ve begun to see my same-sex attraction as strength and not just as a trial. Sure it can be a trial at times, resisting temptations, but how different is that from any other guy being tempted by women (for the record, I have had my attractions toward women too; they’re less frequent, but I’ve had them). So yah, this is why I’m grateful for my same-sex attraction:

1. Let’s start with a silly one. Maybe it’s just a gay stereotype, but I love it that I’m “observant” of how certain colors match and play together. I really noticed this one on Thanksgiving Day actually when I was at my friend Eric’s house. I was in their bathroom and I noticed how much I liked the color coordination in there. The shower curtain complimented the wall, which complimented the towels, which complimented the countertop, which complimented the bathmat on the floor.
2. Another silly one: I love that I can laugh about it. Little things come up that make me laugh about it. For example, this summer, I was driving to a ward activity with three friends: Shelby, Michelle, and Michael. I was sitting in the back of the car while Shelby drove with Michelle in the passenger seat. At the time, neither Michelle nor Shelby knew about my SSA… but Michael did. In response to something I said, Shelby shouted back, “Spencer, stop flirting with Michael.” I just looked at him, both of us with smirks on our faces, and I responded, “Don’t worry. He’s not my type.” Michael tried to diffuse the situation, but I was having too much fun with it, so I kept talking, “I’m sorry, Michael. It’s not you, it’s me.”
3. Now for a serious one… I feel that I’ve gained a greater understanding of the Atonement. In seminary, I’d read the scripture Alma 7:11 a bit (“And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.”). Consciously, I understood that this meant that the Atonement covered more than just sins… that it covers our sorrows, sicknesses, and pains from this fallen world. However, it wasn’t until I started confronting my SSA and learning to work with/through it that I truly even begun to understand what that means. I’ve felt the enabling power of the Atonement more since then than ever before.
4. I asked my SSA friends about why they’re grateful for their SSA. Several of them mentioned that they’re grateful for the empathy that they’ve gained from it. It’s amazing how trials and difficulties can refine us and help us develop the Christ-like attributes of compassion, love, and understanding. That being said, I know some straight guys who are empathetic and compassionate. However, it’s just amazing to me how consistently the refining attribute of SSA helps men develop a sense of empathy that they wouldn’t have otherwise.
5. A couple of my friends (one of them being David, who for 3 years anonymously wrote “(Gay) Mormon Guy” before he became public) mentioned to me that they’re grateful for their SSA because it gives them the opportunity to serve others. Whether it’s because they’re helping someone else who experiences same-sex attraction or whether it’s because they’re just good at being a listening ear, I agree. It’s a great opportunity and an amazing feeling to be able to help someone in need (the joys of being an SSA Missionary). I actually think it is funny, because I was talking to one of my friends yesterday (let’s call him Lewis) about how he’s been put in the path of several people in just the past few days who he has been able to help. Lewis is still very new to the LDS SSA community, but he has a great amount of faith (he filmed for Voices of Hope, like I did, a couple weeks ago).
6. Another thing that makes me grateful for my SSA is the ability I have to connect to other people. Like I mentioned in my original SSA post, I’ve noticed that because of my SSA I’m not satisfied with a “Sup, dude” kind of relationship. Of course, there are straight guys that enjoy deeper relationships with other men, but in my experience, those are rare. I’ve also been blessed to meet other strong souls who are committed to the gospel despite of (or in some cases because of) their same-sex attraction. The bond and connection I’ve felt with these men is the strongest bond of friendship and brotherhood that I’ve experienced before, especially with how short a time I’ve known many of them.
7. The last one is probably one of the most powerful that I’ve learned (and that I’m still trying to internalize better). When I asked one of my friends (let’s call him Danny), he was one of the ones who brought up how much he’s been able to understand God’s infinite perfect love because of his SSA. There is so much proof of how much God loves us: “Yea, it is the love of God, which...is the most desirable above all things.” (1 Nephi 11:33), “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son…” (John 3:16), “Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.” (1 John 4:7)… The list could go on. Recently I’ve had a hard time loving myself. I grew up not really having any friends and the ones I did have always felt “temporary”, as if I was just there until they found someone better or cooler. I felt small, insignificant, and forgettable. It wasn’t until I got to BYU and became friends with Garrett, Juliana, and Becca that I really felt like I had friends that I could count on. Even with all the friends I have now who I treasure (Garrett (and his family), Becca, Juliana, Elder Call, Eric (and his family), Justin, Tyler, Joey, Phil, Scott, Ian, Michael, Michelle, Jeremy, Curtis, Jack… the list goes on and on) I struggle to know that all these people can really love me and are not just going to brush me aside in a few days, weeks, or months. Yes, relationships change, but love doesn’t. Something that I have at least begun to learn is how much my Heavenly Father loves me. Why should He love me? I’ve sinned, I’m flawed, and (in my opinion) I look funny… and yet He loves me despite my imperfections and because of them.

(This is one of my favorite pictures of the Savior... like #5, He is a listening ear for us)

I know that God loves me. I know that He loves you. If you have any doubt of that, take a good long look in the mirror and say to your reflection “God loves you perfectly. God loves me perfectly.” It is so much harder than I could have expected, but there’s power in expressing those words. He loves you and (though I may not know you) I love you. And as always, no matter what you’re going through, through the Atonement, it gets better.

The Authentic Me

WOW! It’s been a month since my coming out post. It’s hard to believe that it’s been that long already… on the other hand, it’s hard to believe it’s only been a month. It’s certainly been an interesting month. I had two SSA missionary experiences (I’ll probably write about those later). I also had the opportunity to participate in the Voices of Hope project this past weekend. WOW! What an experience! I felt so jumbled and that my video isn’t coherent, but I guess that’s what post-production is for. I also had the opportunity to attend the conference that AMCAP (Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists) put on in Provo. Such an amazing experience! I brought Garrett and both of us were able to learn a lot.

I’ve been reflecting a bit in the last week or so of how things have changed in the past month. I’ve had some emotional episodes, but in general I feel that I’m happier. Why is that? What’s made the difference? Honestly, the answer I’ve found is authenticity. I think this point is really well said in Tyler Moore’s story “Being my True Self” in Ty Mansfield’s book “Voices of Hope”:

“As scary as increased honesty and openness have been, it has felt great not to have to carry the load by myself. So great, in fact, that I actually started to have feelings of really liking myself, something previously totally foreign to me. Initially, I associated those feelings of self-acceptance with finally accepting that I was gay, but I’ve realized over time this was naïve. I now know that the reason I started liking myself is because I was being honest and appropriately authentic, and I felt support and love from others in that authenticity.”

I can really relate to that. I’ll be honest; October 20 (when I did my “coming out”) was the scariest day of my life. Did I expect negative responses? No, not necessarily, but putting yourself out there that much gives you what some of my friends would call a “vulnerability hangover” (basically, being so emotionally drained from divulging deep personal information, making you feel vulnerable). However, as I’ve seen and heard the responses to that post, I have felt loved and respected. Like Tyler Moore said, I feel that I’ve been able to like myself more by being able to be honest about myself and not hold back details about myself. And because I like myself more (though I still struggle with that at times) I’m happier.

I’m not saying that you should be public about all of your deep dark secrets, like I’ve been with my same-sex attraction, but I invite you to think about how you can be more authentic with the people around you. Reach out when you need help, be honest with your friends and family, BE YOURSELF. Rejoice in the good that you have and work on the stuff you don’t like. And above all else, remember that through the Atonement it gets better.

I say this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

(me and Garrett as Mario and Luigi for Halloween this year)

Voice(s) of Hope

As part of being an SSA Missionary, I wanted to start putting together a list of resources about same-sex attraction, both to help those who struggle and to help those who love those who struggle. Of course it’s not good to fixate on the problem too much, but I believe that proper understanding can and will help those who struggle with same-sex attraction feel more comfortable, understood, and welcome in the church.

I figured an appropriate resource to start with would be Ty Mansfield’s book “Voices of Hope”. Over the past couple weeks, I have been reading a lot from “Voices of Hope”. The stories I read about men and women who have dealt with same-sex attraction (in addition to several parents, spouses, and priesthood leaders) were inspiring and I could feel the Spirit testify as I read of their trials, mistakes, and eventually came to understand the healing power of the Atonement, helping them recover from the pains of sin, guilt, shame, and loneliness.

The book has six chapters, each focusing on a different theme. Each chapter begins with a doctrinal essay by some noted LDS authors (including Brad Wilcox and Robert Millet). After that, each chapter has three or four stories by someone whose life has been touched by SSA (either personally or because of someone they know that struggles). Some of the ones I found especially powerful were written by Kirk Reidman, Tyler Moore, and Jeff Bennion. One of the things I loved about Kirk’s story was the intensely personal message of hope and how he found hope in this life, despite his struggles with same-sex attraction. Tyler’s story was one that I found particularly intriguing. His story is entitled “Being My True Self”. He talked about his journey, arriving at the point that he came to understand that being true to himself did not require him to live a gay lifestyle, as many believe, because the gospel was more important to him than his sexuality.

I especially wanted to write about Voices of Hope today for a specific reason. Earlier today, I drove up to Alpine, Utah to film my video for the Voices of Hope Project. As an extension of Ty Mansfield’s book, I was filmed as I told my story about my experiences with SSA. I was very excited to participate in this endeavor as I tried to pull from my heart the lessons that I learned from my experiences and trials. I’m not sure how well it went exactly, but that’s what post-production is for right?

The website isn’t fully up yet, but this video of Ty introducing the website gives a good overview of what we’re doing and why we’re doing it. I know that the gospel is the only way to find true happiness. I know that through the Atonement I can find strength and peace.

Until next time, remember that because of the Atonement, it gets better.

Same-Sex Attraction

August 20, 2010 – Brampton, Ontario – Heart Lake Apartment

I was just a greenie missionary at the time. My trainer, Elder Call, had become a very fast friend of mine, which I was not accustomed to having. That night, we were retiring to bed after companionship prayer and personal prayers. As usual, as we lay in our beds, we started talking. I don’t remember how we got on the subject, but we ended up talking about same-sex attraction. Somehow, in the conversation, I felt a push from the Spirit to tell him something that I had never told another person before. For the first time in my life, I had told someone that I dealt with same-sex attraction. Now, by saying that here, you know too.

Since that fateful day in Brampton, which changed my life forever, I have told many more people, including my immediate family and many close friends and roommates. There are many reasons I have decided to write this post at this time, which means I’m “coming out”, a decision I can’t take back. I’d like to start with a very simple one: hope. Hope is actually the thing that I want to get across the most here. Recently, I’ve been reading a book called “Voices of Hope”, which was compiled by Ty Mansfield (PS: The YouTube video on this link is Ty Mansfield talking about his book… it is so powerful).

Voices of Hope

In the introduction to “Voices of Hope”, Ty talks about how the stories of those who are living the gospel and living with same-sex attraction get lost amongst all the conflict surrounding this issue. In the media, we hear of gay pride and rainbow flags on one extreme. On the other extreme, we sometimes hear of individuals who are so ashamed of how they feel that they choose to take their own life. Only a page into the book, I knew that I wanted to stand up and be a witness of the truth… of living the truth. So many people are deceived into believing that because God loves them (which I know He does) that they are free to act on their sexual urges towards members of their own gender. It breaks my heart to hear of that, especially when it involves those that have the truth of the gospel.

As I’ve read stories of others who live with same-sex attraction, I am inspired to live a better life. Their examples truly bring me hope. It also has been a blessing in my life to have friends who also live with same-sex attraction, who know how I feel. Before this summer, I didn’t have any close friends with same-sex attraction (I knew of two people, but I wasn’t close to them). However, I prompted to join an online support group for those who struggle, called North Star. Through North Star, I was able to learn about a support group that meets in my area on a weekly basis. As I started going to meetings each week and as I began to spend time with the men there, I began to feel a sense of brotherhood. In ways that my “straight” friends couldn’t, they understood me. I felt less alone. I felt like I belonged.

I’ve also been blessed to be the one to give hope as well. While a friend of mine (let’s call him Benjamin) was visiting me, he told me that he dealt with same-sex attraction. Almost with a laugh, because I hadn’t seen it coming, I reciprocated and told him that I had similar trials. Benjamin is a convert. Having previously been in the gay community, that’s what he’d been exposed to. He didn’t know (or thought he didn’t know) any members of the church that lived with same-sex attraction. Just the fact that he had a friend who also dealt with same-sex attraction was a powerful means of him feeling hope. Hope is powerful and just the knowledge that you’re not alone in the world can give you such a great amount of it. Knowing that there is someone you can turn to when you’re family, friends, priesthood leaders, or counselor don’t understand (despite their best intentions) can be a life saver (for some people that can be taken literally).

Next month, I will be participating in filming for a project that North Star is doing as an extension of Ty Mansfield’s book. The Voices of Hope Project will include hundreds, maybe thousands, of testimonies of men and women in the form of video or written essays. I’ve decided to participate in order to give hope to my brothers and sisters. As Ty Mansfield quotes on the page linked above “they that be with us are more than they that be with them.” (2 Kings 6:16) The world has powerful voices coming from it, but we have the Lord on our side. We have the gospel. We have hope from the Atonement.

Who Am I?

I feel bad for the people who feel the need to define themselves by their sexuality. After telling one of my friends (let’s call him Tim) about my same-sex attraction, he told me about his sister. Tim’s sister had her records removed from the church so that she could pursue a relationship with another woman. He told me that she let her sexuality define who she was. I like what Tim said after that. He told me not to let my sexuality define me anymore than he lets his sexuality define him. I don’t know heterosexual people who make it a point to define themselves as straight. However, it seems commonplace for homosexuals to define themselves as gay or lesbian or bisexual, in a way that it controls who they are.

I’m putting myself out there by writing this post, but I don’t want same-sex attraction to control my life. Sure, it is an aspect of my life and who I am, a big aspect maybe, but not the only aspect of who I am. I don’t like the term “gay”. To me, it denotes acting on those attractions. Regardless of labels, these attractions are only part me. I am a writer. I am a student. I am a friend. I am a son. I am a brother. I am an uncle. I am a returned-missionary. I am a Mormon. I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I am a child of God.

In the end, I believe that only those last two labels matter: I believe in Christ and I am a child of God. Recently I went to a fireside about same-sex attraction. At the fireside, one of the speakers said “God has already labeled us His.” I found this statement powerful. The most powerful, perfect being has claimed us. His is the only label we need. We are His children. We are His saints. And if we are willing to take a step of faith and do what He asks, He will do amazing things with us.

This is a Gift

Maybe this seems contradictory that something so difficult and controversial could be seen as a gift, but it’s true. I think I have begun to understand what Paul meant when he said that “when I am weak, then am I strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:10) Sure, it’s still hard to live with same-sex attraction sometimes, but I have noticed some of the blessings it has given me.

For example, I noticed recently how I am able to connect with other men on a deeper level than “Sup, dude?” Granted, there are straight men that are able to connect with other men too, but they are rare. I feel that because of my same-sex attraction, which came about because of my desire to connect with other males, particularly my peers, I am able to connect with my guy friends more.

I am just beginning to understand what the Lord meant when He said, “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” (Ether 12:27) Just a month ago, I called same-sex attraction one of my weaknesses. Now I also consider it ones of my strengths, which has taught me and helped me to learn about myself.

The Atonement

I want to finish off this “coming out” by talking about the Atonement. In “Voices of Hope”, Ty Mansfield references President Packer in saying that “any truth not connected to [the Atonement]…is insufficient.” I have seen and heard other media on the internet about homosexuality and the church and it disturbs me when they do not mention the Atonement of Christ. Alma taught that “[Christ] will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.” (Alma 7:11) Even the Savior during his mortal ministry said, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30) Shortly before His crucifixion, He also said, “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” (John 14:27)

I know that the Savior died for me. I know that through His Atonement I can find peace and comfort in the trying times of my life. Though I may deal with anxiety, depression, autism, and same-sex attraction, none of them are too much for the Savior and the Atonement to handle. I have accepted that I may not be healed from one or any of them in this life, but that’s okay, because I know that as I live righteously, I will be blessed with comfort through the Holy Ghost.

I have one last request before I finish off (I know this has been a long post already). If you know someone who is struggling (with same-sex attraction or with any trial) please share this. I want my testimony of the Atonement to help as many people as it can. You are not alone and even your bad experiences can be used for your good. Have hope in the Atonement and “let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.” (D&C 123:17)

Thank you for sticking with me through this long post. Remember that through the Atonement it gets better. I say this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

The R in RM

What does the “R” in “RM” stand for? I’ve heard many variations on what RM does mean or should mean. One professor I had said that instead of “returned missionary” it should mean “released missionary,” explaining that after a missionary goes home they should not return to their old ways. A mission, when done right, should be a great growing experience for a young man. However, there are many missionaries who go home and find themselves among their same friends and end up sinking back into old habits and immaturities. In this way, my professor meant that an RM should retain the lessons and growth he/she learned in the mission field in his/her life. While, I agree with that, I also heard another great explanation of what RM should mean.

Last month (July) I had the opportunity and the great blessing to go visit Toronto and to go to church in both wards in which I had served in Brampton, Ontario: Creditview and Heart Lake. I got to share this great experience and amazing road trip with my best friend, Garrett, after finally reuniting with him after two years. While we were at the Heart Lake ward, we had the opportunity to talk to a man named Felix. I’d never met Felix while I served in Heart Lake (he had been less-active at the time) but I had heard about him from Casey, my future roommate who had been in my MTC district and had served in Heart Lake about a year after I left.

Garrett and I spoke to Felix for a while. He is a man of such great faith and insight. He mentioned to me and Garrett his thoughts on being a returned missionary (though I can’t remember if he served a mission or not). Though having only been back in the church for a relatively short time, Felix had taken to being a member missionary and that’s where his idea of what it means to be an RM comes from. He mentioned to me and Garrett that being a returned missionary is far different from being a retired missionary. Though having “returned” from serving full-time, an RM (returned missionary) by definition is still a missionary.

I really like Felix’s definition of an RM. Just because I have returned from my mission (twice now), I am still a missionary, a returned missionary. As cliché as it sounds, it is so true that missionary work does not end when the name tag comes off. In fact, when I was getting ready to come home from Calgary, my friend Eric wrote to me and said that now, having returned home, is when the real missionary work begins, which is what my mission trained me for.

As if the point Felix made wasn’t clear enough, I started noticing by the end of my vacation how many missionaries I seemed to run into. The first night I was in Grand Rapids with Garrett’s family, we had dinner with the companionship of elders in their ward. While in Brampton, we saw four different companionships of elders (the Credtview elders, the Heart Lake elders, the Spanish elders, and the Brampton ward elders). After visiting Brampton, we went to visit Palmyra (we got to see my family and some old friends and Garrett LOVED the church history sites), so of course we saw a good number of sister missionaries at the visitors centers and historical sites. However, while in Palmyra, we also managed to run into a companionship of elders while we were at the dollar store getting batteries. After getting back from our road trip, during my last full day in Grand Rapids, we had a visit from the sister missionaries in their ward. As if I hadn’t had enough run-ins with missionaries during my trip, I guess I still wasn’t quite getting the message that Heavenly Father was trying to get me to learn.

It wasn’t until I was at the Dallas/Fort Worth airport that the lesson finally hit home. While waiting for my connecting flight in Dallas, I ran into a group of missionaries returning to Utah from Italy. I took the opportunity to chat with several of them (there were at least six of them, elders and sisters, in total). I called Garrett from the airport and told him about running into the missionaries at the airport and he pointed out to me the lesson, that maybe it was a hint from Heavenly Father that I wasn’t done with missionary work.

Arriving in Salt Lake City, waiting for my ride, I got to witness those missionaries, returning from Italy, reunite with their families. After nearly two years away from Toronto, it was therapeutic to go back and visit and see that it wasn’t a waste of my time, even though it was only three months. I even felt like a missionary again while I was there and so did Garrett (I even had to remind Garrett at one point that I wasn’t his companion, when I had to run back to the Sunday School room in Heart Lake to retrieve my scriptures and I found Garrett following me). After such an amazing vacation, I cannot imagine a better ending to it than seeing those missionaries reunite with their families again. To those elders and sisters (if somehow they happen to chance upon this) remember that you’re not done:

You’re a returned missionary, not a retired missionary.

(I guess you could basically say Garrett was my last companion in Toronto :D)