Preparing for Cumorah, Part 3

The day is finally here!!! As I type this, I'm on the train headed to Rochester. There will be someone there from Pageant to drive me to the Hill Cumorah. I can't believe it's finally here! Being out here, I have had the opportunity to reflect on a few things. 

First, it's been nearly seven months since I got my acceptance to Pageant. December 15 was the exact day, actually (the blessing of keeping a journal). I'll be honest: the past seven months haven't been easy. Even earlier that day, December 15, I was having an super emotional day. Throughout the whole thing, I've moved twice, I've had friendship/dependency issues, and I had one of the most difficult semesters of my college career (coincidentally it was also the most successful semester I've had). I didn't realize it until recently when David pointed it out to me, but these trials could have easily been reasons to doubt my faith. While it didn't cross my mind to cancel my trip and drop out of Pageant, if I had chosen to doubt my faith, it would have made the trip pointless. I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who has patiently and gently (sometimes less gently when I need a good shove or a smack to the face spiritually) taught me and brought me to where I am now. I have a stronger testimony now of His love and His perfect timing. One hard day in particular, I remember crying and grieving a struggle I was going through. Once I was done, humbled, and ready to listen to truth, a phone call came from the exact friend I needed (literally, just as I was finished crying my phone vibrated). God is there and I know He loves me. 

Second reflection: it's been five years since I was in the cast of the Pageant before. That was before I started BYU. It was before I started this blog. It was before my mission. It was before I even accepted that SSA was really a part of my life, as opposed to just attached to my addiction (I don't think I've written here on that, but I mention it in my Voices of Hope essay and possibly my video). It was five years ago that I really first felt free of that addiction. In fact it was at Pageant that that miracle began. A lot has happened in the past five years: I've done several years at BYU, I left on my mission (twice), I came home from my mission (twice), I opened up to EVERYONE in my life about my SSA (that dark secret that I was never going to tell ANYONE), I have worked through (and continue to work through) feelings of dependency and codependency, I have made amazing friends, and (arguably most importantly) I have begun to accept my Heavenly Father's love and to believe that I am worthy of love. I am happier now than I remember being in a long time and largely that is because I've chosen to be happy. Life isn't always pleasant and I have bad days, but life is always worth living and it is always worth striving to be happy. As is mentioned various times in Pageant (quoting Alma) I have "felt a change in [my] heart" and I know that that change has come through the Savior Jesus Christ. He is the whole reason this Pageant is happening. He is the whole reason anything happens. Without Him, all of this mortal experience would be wasted.

I'm a couple hours away from Rochester, so I'll close this now. I'll try to make updates while I'm gone, but I just want to leave my testimony (the same as the last line from the Pageant--unless I'm remembering incorrectly): He lives and He will come again. 

The Beast is Alone; We Are Not

So… another Doctor Who post since I’ve been re-watching several with my pal Dalton. One that we’ve watched recently is a two-part episode “The Impossible Planet” and “The Satan Pit”.

***SPOILER ALERT HERE***

The Doctor and Rose end up on a space base on a planet that should not exist: a planet that is orbiting around a black hole. The crew of the base, out of pure human curiosity, came to the planet in order to discover how that planet could possibly stay in orbit and possibly harness that power. Things start to unravel in the space base as a being that seems to be the devil incarnate, the being from which the legend of the devil emanated from, begins to terrorize the Doctor, Rose, and the crew. He begins speaking to them and digging at their deepest fears. The crew and Rose start to panic at his taunts, but of course it’s the Doctor who brings everyone back to their senses with a speech:

“That thing is playing on very basic fears: darkness, childhood nightmares, and all that stuff … What makes his version of the truth any better than mine? Hmm? Because I’ll tell you what I can see: Humans! Brilliant humans! Humans who traveled all the way across space, flying in a tiny little rocket right into the orbit of a black hole, just for the sake of discovery! That’s amazing! Do you hear me? Amazing! All of you: the captain, his officer, his elders, his juniors, his friends. All with one advantage: the Beast is alone. We are not.”

Just like Satan would, he plays on the fears of every living being. He uses our fears until we feel utterly alone. Those are the times that I feel most vulnerable and weak. The adversary tells me that I’m alone, that I have no friends, that I am not loved, or some other twisted tale. The adversary loves to use half-truths. Yes, I may be alone at this moment. Yes, I may be having a hard day. I may have had a bad day at work. I may have failed a test (thank goodness I’m not in school right now).

But even if those things are true, what makes his version of the truth any better than God’s? The truth, the better truth, is that God loves me. God knows I am of infinite worth. God sent His Son to suffer for me because He loves me. God is my Father. God wants me to be close to Him. God cares for me. God will always do what is best for me.

I don’t know about you, but one of those stories sounds a lot nicer and happier than the other. If I focus on the negativity of Satan, darkness will fill my life, but if I will listen to the light of the Savior and to the Spirit, He will bless me with truth, comfort, and love. I’ve seen this in my life and I know it to be true. The Savior loves me and He will always be there for me.

Satan is alone. He will always be alone. He will never have a body, a family, or the experience of this mortal journey. He will never be happy. On the other hand, I have a body, I have my friends, I have my family, I have my agency, and I choose to be happy surrounded by those who love me.

Preparing for Cumorah, Part 2

Today I'm finishing off Moroni 10, so I've finished reading the Book of Mormon cover-to-cover for the first time in years (usually I just jump around). As part of us preparing ourselves for Pageant, the Pageant Presidency asked us it read it through before we got to the Hill. So I started over. It's been cool to read it through again. I've gained some cool insights and it has put some things in perspective. I also learned some cool facts that I'd never considered before. I'd like to share some of them.

Photo Credit to Garrett Wilkes :)

First off, just a cool fact (mixed with speculation), did you realize Alma the Elder was in his 70s at the time his son was converted? I always thought he was middle aged. Also, if Alma the Elder was that old, how old was his son? I'd always thought he was a teenager... Instead he was more likely middle-aged).

On a related note, one of the stories that really impressed me during this read of the Book of Mormon was Alma the Younger's conversion. We get Mormon's abridged version in Mosiah, but I love Alma's first-person re-telling of it in Alma 36. In addition, I love what he says in Alma 5, that though he saw an angel, he attributes his conversion to having "fasted and prayed many days" (Alma 5:46). As we see through the scriptures, signs do not convert: Laman and Lemuel saw an angel (1 Nephi 3:29) and only moments later doubted God's power (1 Nephi 3:31), Korihor was struck dumb (Alma 30:49) but had that curse been taken away he would not have changed his behavior (Alma 30:55), and the list goes on.

Sometimes I really want something concrete that without doubt the Lord is there or to simply give me a sign. At times I think I have gotten these little signs, but those things are easy to forget. More important for me than concrete signs is to consistently connect with God and feel His love. His love is always available, but I have to be willing to seek after it through scriptures, prayers, hikes in nature, looking at the stars, reading my patriarchal blessing, etc. If I look He is always there.

Another story I loved in this read of the Book of Mormon was 3 Nephi 9-10. Simultaneous with the crucifixion, the Nephites and the Lamanites were hit with destruction throughout the Americas. Cities sank into the sea, others were burned, earthquakes, floods, etc. After through destruction stopped, the voice of the Savior permeated the land. His sweet merciful voice pleaded with those who were "more righteous than [those who perished]" (3 Nephi 9:13) to "repent and return unto [Him] with full purpose of heart" (3 Nephi 10:6).

I have two thoughts from this that I want to share. First, these were the more righteous people of the Nephites and the Lamanites. And yet, the Lord implored them to repent. It is tempting for me to think that I'm doing well and to feel really good about it. It is good and healthy to recognize my progress and not discount my positive traits just to make myself feel "humble" (which in my opinion is a shadow form of humility). However, I need to not get complacent and forget the need that I have for the Savior and His Atonement. I need to continually "press forward with a steadfastness in Christ" (2 Nephi 31:20).

I love the Book of Mormon. It is truly the word of God. I have felt such peace as I've read through it over the past six months. I'm excited to share my testimony of this volume of scripture with those who attend the Pageant this summer. :)

Preparing for Cumorah, Part 1

In December I got the amazing news that I would be returning to the Hill Cumorah Pageant. My mom grew up a couple hours from Palmyra, so I've grown up visiting Palmyra. The first time I remember seeing Pageant was in 1998 (though I also saw it at a year and half old in 1992). Three years later at the age of 10 I was in the cast of the Pageant with my family. That year I got to play Laman's son in the journey to the Americas. Seven years later I was in the cast again and I played a Lamanite warrior (spoiler alert: I died). Two years ago, my parents and my little brother were in the cast, so during my road trip with Garrett, we visited and watched the last full run through before the dress rehearsal. This year, I have the amazing opportunity to participate again.

So first, a quick FAQ about the Hill Cumorah Pageant:

No, it doesn't have any singing. You do not have to be musically talented to be in it (which explains why I can do it). There are some dancers, but that's kind of minor. Most people end up being in cried scenes. 

No, I do not know what part I'll be playing. I report to the Hill Cumorah on July 4. That night they have casting and in the days following they assign parts. So I will not find out who I'm playing until I get there (likely it won't be anyone with an actual name).

I'm at the Hill from July 4 until July 20. There are seven performances: July 11-12 and July 14-19. The dress rehearsal is July 10 and there is a full run through (without costumes) on July 9.

The members of the cast get trained by the missionaries there to proselyte and bear testimony to the audience members, both members of the church and friends of other faiths. 

If you can't tell, I'm really excited. One month from tomorrow I'll be at the Hill and this adventure will begin. If you live out east, I recommend coming, even if it means driving a while. It is an amazing experience and it changed my life :)

I Choose Hope

I've been thinking a bit about the power of agency and to what extent we choose happiness. Of course there are things like clinical depression and other mental conditions that affect a person in ways that no amount of positive thinking can fix. However that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about negative thinking. That can be fixed with positive thinking and choosing happiness and hope.

***SPOILER ALERT FOR ONCE UPON A TIME FANS***

In the mid-season finale of Once Upon a Time, which I referenced in a recent post, I mentioned the flashbacks featuring the theme of happy endings. In Snow White and Prince Charming's flashback the Blue Fairy talks to them about their daughter Emma's destiny to save them all from the impending curse. At first Snow is worried about the uncertainty, that they don't know if the future will hold anything good for them. Charming responds that the future isn't what they planned, but that doesn't make it bad. In the end, Snow says, "I choose hope."

In another episode (chronologically after the flashback I just mentioned), Snow White/Mary Margaret is talking to her grown daughter Emma who is frustrated by her parents' insufferable optimism. How could they always be so optimistic when their lives have sucked so much? A line from Snow White/Mary Margaret right then hit me: "The minute I let go of the idea that things will get better is the minute I know they won't."

My life hasn't exactly been ideal lately. I've been stressed by school and preoccupied with making sure that my relationships with others are healthy. Many times I've wanted to just break down in tears feeling hopeless. Other times I have felt hopeless. As hard as it is, and it is incredibly hard, I am holding onto the hope of a "happy ending" (or at least reminding myself that the semester has an ending). It's really easy to be bitter toward God or others for what's going on in my life. However, instead of being bitter I choose hope. Hope that I will get acceptable grades in my classes. Hope that I will be able to maintain healthy relationships. And hope that no matter how many tears I shed, the Savior will be there to wipe those tears away (Revelation 21:4) and comfort me. I need Him. I cannot go through this journey alone.