From Zero to Four

Let me tell you about “Alex”. He found my blog because we have a mutual friend who served in his mission. This mutual friend shared my original SSA blog post on Facebook and, from what Alex told me, it was then that he knew he couldn’t keep hiding from this for the rest of his life. And ever since my post about living authentically, Alex has been a consistent commenter on my blog (his name just shows up as “Unknown User”).

In order to reach out as an “SSA Missionary”, I gave him my email address in case he needed anything. Since then, we’ve had some great communications over email, comments, and Facebook (though that was anonymous too). During our conversations, I learned that Alex had never told anyone about his SSA. Not his parents. Not his mission president. Not his best friend. Not his bishop. No one. In a way, I felt sad, because I know how much support I’ve gained since I told Elder Call about my SSA and subsequently told my parents. The fact that he had no one made me kind of sad. However, I was grateful that I was able to be that support for him, even if I didn’t even know his real name (he let me refer to him as James).

However, something miraculous happened a couple weeks ago. While driving down to Provo for school with a friend, he felt the prompting and the confirmation that he could tell the friend he was with about his SSA. He did and was amazed at how strong of support he felt. The next day, he sent me a message saying “Spencer, I told someone!” and later that day I arranged to meet up with him in person finally. Since then, Alex told a close friend of his from his home ward and he told the mutual friend who he found my blog through.

That support system may only have four people in it right now, physically, but “Alex”, remember that you have the support of all of us here. You have the support of the leaders of the church. And you have the support of your Heavenly Father. He too knows about your SSA and He is proud of how you’re handling it. He knows that this learning curve you’ve been through (and that you’re still experiencing) can be draining at times, but it’s ok to feel drained at times, because He will help you.

Now to the rest of you reading this: Alex is taking a big step in this next week. His parents are going to be visiting him and he’s planning on telling them about his SSA. He is scared out of his mind, but he feels it’s what he should do. Please pray for him and feel free to leave your support for him here on the comments!

I’m grateful for the opportunity I’ve had to help Alex and to talk with him about SSA. In some ways, he’s still in shock after telling four people (but then again, in some ways I’m still in shock that I’m blogging about it using my real name). Not every day is perfect, but I try to remember and remind myself just as much as I tell Alex that if I rely on the Atonement, it gets better.

PS: Here is a link to Alex’s blog, where he anonymously talks about his SSA.

PPS: Here’s his post about telling someone for the first time.

Now Taking Bets

This week during my LDS Marriage and Family class, my teacher mentioned a program he’d seen on television where they brought on a group of teenage/young adult stars that had committed themselves to being sexually clean. He said it began as a really great testimony of these young adults’ use of agency. However, then they brought on an “expert” (which made my professor shudder) who claimed that based on hormone levels at their age, it was impossible for them to be 100% sexually clean. Even if it wasn’t with other people, he claimed they must be sexually active in some way in order to survive.

The comment made my blood boil as it reminded me of something I’d seen on Danielle Mansfield’s Facebook wall last month… She had stumbled across comments somewhere taking bets on when her marriage to Ty and Josh and Lolly Weed’s marriage would end up in divorce. The idea in the world is that “gay” men in a heterosexual marriage will inevitably leave their wives because of their desires for other men. Call me naïve, but it doesn’t make sense to me. After all, the Lord has promised that He will give us a way to escape temptation and that He will ALWAYS provide a way for us to follow His commandments.

As I’ve mentioned before, Ty and Danielle have been receiving persecution about their marriage for years. And ever since his coming out, so have Josh and Lolly Weed. For some reason it seems that those who ask for tolerance are not able to tolerate that there are men like Ty and Josh who do not choose to live the way of the world. In addition to them, I know several men with same-sex attraction who are in heterosexual marriages. At the AMCAP conference, I actually heard one of their wives say that her marriage is better because of it, because it means that they communicate with each other better. Josh Weed said on his blog that his marriage is stronger because it was not based on attraction, but based on love and friendship. Yes, there are many stories of gay men getting married and then leaving their wives for other men. I’m not denying that. However, we have agency, the power to write our own stories and the stories I’ve seen in the LDS SSA community of those men and women who have found marriage have been written beautifully.

Yeah, people say that it’s impossible for a marriage like the Mansfield’s or the Weed’s to stay together. When I get married, people may say the same thing about me and my wife. However, no matter what gender they’re attracted to, a man and a woman, committed to each other, and committed to God can choose with certainty that it won’t happen. Yes, there’s work involved to keep that marriage together. But there’s work to keep any marriage together (side-note: there are plenty of straight couples that get divorced because one is unfaithful).

The world has its beliefs. And honestly, lots of the time, the world’s beliefs do not line up with what the Lord’s standard is. However, no matter what the world says, I have my agency to choose the path I want. Sure, I could choose a gay lifestyle, but I choose to use my agency to say no, because that’s not what I want. And it’s because of the Atonement (and through the proper use of our agency) that it gets better.

PS: My bet is that Ty and Danielle will be together through eternity, as will Josh and Lolly. And I have good odds on that. J

Real Men Cry

I’ve always been a bit of an emotional person. In the past I’ve been kind of shameful about how emotional I can be… all the days I left high school in tears, waiting to be comforted by my parents. As if I didn’t have enough social problems, I let myself look vulnerable by doing the least manly thing possible in front of my peers: shed a tear (or many).

Last night reminded me of this. After having a good appointment with my therapist yesterday morning, I was left emotionally vulnerable. As a result, comments from someone at work and then someone at dinner set me off and put me into tears. Neither of those people meant their words in a malicious way, but with my emotional state at the time, I was susceptible to hurt.

In talking to my anonymous pal that has been commenting on my blog (well, he’s not anonymous to me anymore), we’ll call him “Alex”, he mentioned to me a scripture study project he’d done in which he read through the four Gospels and outlined what a real man is like, based on the actions and reactions of the perfect man, Jesus Christ. To not much surprise, not much (if anything) that he recorded from this study coincided with what the world believes a man is.

In reference to the day I’d had, Alex mentioned John 11:35. A quick bit of background on the scripture: Lazarus, a close friend of the Savior, had died. Though I think He knew He was about to raise Lazarus from the dead, I’m sure His heart broke because those He loved (Mary and Martha) were heartbroken about their brother’s death. Even though Martha had expressed faith in the Plan of Salvation (particularly the resurrection—verse 24), it was painful for her to think that she would never see, speak to, or hug her brother again in this life.

The Savior was able to cry and weep. And He is the perfect “manly” man. Why shouldn’t I be able to? Yes, I need to keep tabs on my emotions and not be crying all the time. But there is nothing wrong with needing to weep and cry it out when I have a bad day.

After the whole crying episode happened last night, my roommate Alejandro said to me, kind of jokingly to cheer me up, “Boys don’t cry.” My reply to him was simple, “Men do.”

Q&A Session #2

Truth be told, I’m kinda looking for an excuse to write tonight, so I decided to pull out some questions I’ve been saving for another SSA Q&A blog post. With that said, here we go with the two questions I have for today…

Question: Doesn’t being “gay” mean you’re acting on your same-sex attraction? Isn’t that the implication of the word?

Answer: The simple answer is yes. That’s the implication. The complex answer is that it’s a word. In the end, we have our meanings behind words that may or may not match up with others’ meanings of that word. Personally, I choose not to call myself gay… ok, yes, sometimes I do, but I don’t consider myself gay… it’s just a lot easier sometimes to say “gay” instead of “same-sex attraction” (my friend David hit on that point really well on a blog post he did over two years ago). And I’ll be honest, sometimes I’ll use the word gay to catch people’s eye when I share a post on Facebook. I promise; it works. For me though, no, I do not consider myself gay. However, the label is arbitrary to some. For example, Josh Weed refers to himself as gay, even though he’s married to a woman. My friend Benjamin calls himself gay, though he has no plans to leave the church or anything of the sort. In the end, here’s the thing: “gay” is a just word and it often changes meaning depending on who’s using it, so know who you’re talking to and clarify the use of the word if necessary.

Question: How do you feel SSA plays into your eternal identity? What do you feel it will be like after this life? Will your desires be the same?

Answer: The short answer to this question is that, in my understanding, I will not be attracted to men anymore after this life. Some people counter this belief with Alma 34:34, but I’ll counter that counter with Alma 41:5. Honestly, I feel that my SSA is both a trial and a blessing in this life. It’s a trial because I’m tempted to act out with men sexually. It’s a blessing because I enjoy a non-sexual closeness with other men that most straight guys don’t, because of the homophobic mindset of our culture. I thoroughly enjoy tight hugs (not bro-hugs, with a double pat on the back before letting go, but real hugs) from other men and having another man’s arm around me at times. After this life, the SSA won’t be necessary for me to feel that closeness with other men (because there won’t be the homophobic stigma anymore). In the end, it is a refining characteristic. It has helped me develop charity, empathy, and a degree of humility. I believe it has made me more Christ-like. In that way, I suppose it will never leave me. However, the sexual attraction to men will not be a trial for me after this life anymore. I desire righteousness, so that’s what I will receive if I live worthily.

Please send me any questions you have about SSA! I want to answer them! :) Either leave them in the comments or email me (spencer3101@gmail.com)!

Image of White

This week I got to go to the wedding reception for two of my friends: my old roommate Joey and his new bride Erin (who I originally met through my friend Juliana). It was great to be able to Juliana there, along with a couple of my old roommates (one of them being Justin, who told me about how supportive everyone had been of me with my SSA blogging when it came up in conversation why I missed the bachelor party). However, what really struck me happened during Erin’s father/daughter dance. I was struck by a feeling that I recognized. I’d felt it a few months before at Juliana’s wedding reception.

While I was at Juliana’s reception, I got to enjoy the company of many friends that I’ve met through her over the three years I’ve known her. There was a point during the reception… it was during her first dance with her husband, Caleb, that I had a distinctly peaceful feeling telling me “One day, it will be my turn for this.”

I was asked once by a gay guy I knew if I would ever regret not being with a man. I had to think for a second… I knew the answer was no, but how could I be sure? I think one of the biggest reasons is that when I’ve pictured my wedding like I did when that peaceful feeling came to me at Juliana’s reception I was not with a man. I was with a daughter of God dressed in white. White… that’s what stood out to me. This image of white… my future bride in her dress, the two of us in the temple dressed in our white temple clothes, and future children dressed in white at eight-years-old that I can baptize… these images give me hope.

I’ve been attracted to girls in the past… usually it happens emotionally first before it becomes a physical attraction. Regardless, I know it’s possible, so I have no doubt that I will get married in this life. It may not be soon (or maybe it will be) but moments of peaceful hope and joy, like I felt at Joey and Erin’s reception and at Juliana and Caleb’s reception, help me keep that goal of an eternal marriage and an eternal family in mind.

It will happen… and in the meantime, I have great friends to love me and help give me hope.

With Joey and Erin at their reception