August 13

Written August 13, 2013

Transcribed August 24, 2013

I’m sitting on the lido deck of the Carnival Conquest cruise ship as I write this. I just got done playing mini-golf with my two sisters-in-law, my little brother, and one of my nephews, the whole time holding my baby nephew (and I did a pretty good job for mini-golfing one-handed).

According to my journal, today is one year since I first started reading Voices of Hope, after having had it recommended to me for months. Little did I know when I opened that book for the first time, I would soon be joining those men and women. One year ago today, I had the prompting that ended up changing my life on October 20.

I’ve learned a lot since then. And I wanted to share a little of that:

1.      It’s okay to love

2.      It’s okay to be loved.

3.      I need to love myself.

4.      I need guy time every once and a while.

5.      Nothing can compensate for lost sleep.

6.      Sometimes a good night’s slight can fix everything (or at least put it back in perspective).

7.      Physical touch doesn’t have to be sexual.

8.      Physical touch can easily turn sexual.

9.      A good hug can put my crises in the proper perspective.

10.  Having a best friend who tries to understand SSA is invaluable.

11.  Emotions are not good or bad; they just are.

12.  Forgiveness is always possible, for me and for others.

13.  Love is always the answer, even if it’s tough love.

14.  Priesthood leaders are not perfect.

15.  Imperfect priesthood leaders are not a good reason for me to leave the church.

16.  A talk with a kind priesthood leader can change my mood completely.

17.  God can take it when I need to express anger with Him.

18.  Someone saying something ignorant or stupid doesn’t mean they don’t love me.

19.  The only person I can control is me.

20.  Trying to control others is exhausting and pointless.

21.  God can make good use out of a bad decision.

Those are just the lessons that came to mind today. I’ve been blessed to learn these lessons, and many others, during this past year. It hasn’t been easy (in fact some parts of it have been my own personal hell) but I can see how it’s helped me grow.

Miracle Day

Three years ago late tonight/early tomorrow morning, I told Elder Call about my SSA. It was the first time I'd ever told anyone and it was the first time I really accepted it myself. My life has changed so much since then. At that point, I had no idea I'd be completely out and public. The idea of that would have been too scary.

The two of us, Elder Call and I, dubbed today and tomorrow "Miracle Day" because of the miracle that occurred that night.

I am full of gratitude today for that conversation we had and the ensuing miracle, a prompting from the Spirit telling me it was safe to trust Elder Call with what was then my deepest darkest secret.

I am full if gratitude for all the support you give me as my friends and as my readers. I would not have the strength to keep writing if it wasn't for you.

PS: Look forward to a guest post by Elder Call in the near future to commemorate Miracle Day

Attack on the Family

A couple months ago, I was part of a discussion about the "attack on the family". The original post came from a judgment a friend of mine (let's call him "Kevin") had that many people in the church view the attack on the family to be the same as legalization of gay marriage. Now, I've expressed my stance on gay marriage (I stand with the church in not supporting it) but by no means would I go as far as to say that the "attack on the family" is the same as gay marriage.

I'm a family studies major and even though I'm very very early on in the program, I feel like I have learned enough to say this: The family is under attack, but gay marriage is probably the least of our worries on that front. If I was to pick anything and call it the Goliath of the battle we are fighting to save the family, I'd say it is no-fault divorces. Couples making a mockery of marriage by getting married and then a month, six months, a year, etc. down the road deciding that they "just aren't compatible". Or you’ve got the celebrity marriages that last less than a month.

I’m not saying there isn’t cause for divorce. Abuse and infidelity are valid causes for divorce. However, I’ve also known marriages where one spouse has been unfaithful and yet the marriage survived because both partners were committed to the marriage. I honestly don’t believe there is such a thing as no-fault divorce. Marriage is work and both partners need to work at the relationship. That’s why married couples have been counseled to continue to go on dates after they get married, even when children come into the mix. However, if one spouse gives up on the marriage… does it really matter how much effort one spouse puts in if the other spouse is apathetic? I mean, it’s admirable… but if the effort is not reciprocated, the marriage isn’t going to be as strong as it needs to be.

That being said, I’d like to back up to infidelity and abuse. If abuse exists in a home (a husband abusing his wife OR a wife abusing her husband, because both scenarios exist) the highest priority in my opinion is to get the abused spouse to safety. As important as the sanctity of marriage is, the safety of an individual is more important. Staying in an abusive relationship because a husband/wife loves his/her spouse and believes they can change sounds to me like codependency (if you don’t know what that means, here’s the Wikipedia page). The same thing would be true of infidelity, if a husband/wife stays with his/her spouse even when infidelity is known to be happening, because he/she thinks they can fix the situation… again, it sounds like codependency to me.

Another thing I want to bring up is the innocent victims of divorce, whether it be no-fault divorce or divorce at the hands of abuse and/or infidelity: children. Richard Cohen, the author of “Coming Out Straight”, said that children have a God-like view of their parents. Their parents are the example they look to in everything. Especially as little kids, they don’t see that their parents can do anything wrong. As a result, when divorce happens, there are children who believe (and are wounded by the belief) that their parents separating must be their fault.

Granted, all of this comes from a single, BYU family studies major, who is only starting his second semester in the program this fall, but I just wanted to put my thoughts out there and challenge the idea that I think exists in the church that gay marriage is the same as the attack on the family. What are your thoughts on the “attack on the family”? Let me know in the comments. Just remember to be respectful and nice.

"What do you need to tell me, Spencer?" (by Garrett)

Earlier that night... (in Niagara Falls, Ontario)

That’s what I said, and how he came out to me, a year ago today.

In one day I realized that social issues aren’t simply articles read or watched online; they are the stories and struggles of people you know and care about.

A year of knowing is a year of affirming Christ’s universal Atonement and universal blessings.

A year of knowing is a year of seeing how vague, general statements almost never fit with individual people, especially when those people cross two very contradictory stereotypes. What a tragedy to make a multi-dimensional person into a 2-D object.

A year of knowing is a year of being thanked and admired by strangers from Spencer's support groups. On one hand I appreciated all the thanks, but on the other, it sobered me. Their tone of voice indicated again and again that this was the first time they had seen someone simply be a straight friend.

A friend is the most powerful ordinary thing. 

In that year I made new friends, and kept old ones, and performed the balancing act that young, inexperienced, college guys perform. I worked 8 hours a day when I wasn’t in school, went on dates, read books, looked up funny cat pictures on the Internet, and had fun with my best friend who has same-sex attraction.

I attended firesides and made other friends in similar situations to Spencer's. I heard their stories and read how they lived faithfully to the covenants they made in the Church. And I learned lessons from those firesides good enough to put in my journal, such as the following:

When we let our bias do the talking, we end up “classifying” others, and in effect we put a gag on their voice before they even can speak up for themselves. We should instead let them own themselves, and let them liberate themselves from the chains of skewed thinking.

Out of all the roles we will play, a friend is one of the most crucial we can be. And now more than ever I can see why. There are too many people struggling with this, and too few "straight friends" that are stepping up. In that year I saw more than ever how we need those powerful, ordinary things--understanding, empathy, and friendship.

So here marks a year of accepting 100% of a person, 100% of a friend. Here’s to a year of being powerful, ordinary people.

Journey into Manhood

Hugs. Tears. Goodbyes. After two days of intense emotional work and mental processes, I got in the car with the two men I was driving with and, for the first time in two days, I checked my phone for the time. Literally the first time. For the 48 hours previous, we’d had no phones, no watches, nothing electronic (other than perhaps a flashlight). 48 hours of seclusion from the outside world. 48 hours of work. 48 hours of betterment. 48 hours called Journey into Manhood.

I arrived at a camp in the mountains in the Salt Lake City area along with the two other men in my car. The three of us, along with about 30 other “journeyers”, had hit a point in our lives where we felt stuck, complacent, unproductive, etc. As it is advertised as a healing weekend for men who want to deal with unwanted same-sex attraction, most men who attend Journey into Manhood (JiM) have SSA. However, I’ve known men who are completely straight to go as well. It’s because very little of the exercises and processes during the weekend pertain directly to same-sex attraction.

Every person has scars. Every person has wounds. And in my opinion, every person in the world could use therapy to some degree to resolve those wounds (if you disagree and don’t think you have wounds, I’m happy for you, but in my experience most (if not all) people have some weight that they’re carrying).

Because of the confidentiality agreement that I signed when I went to JiM, I can’t divulge any of the specific processes we did, but I do want to share what the weekend did for me:

My "Golden Boy" (first day of first grade)

For months now, I have been aware of my previously unconscious belief that I was unlovable. This belief grew out of years of being teased, excluded, and abandoned by peers. Eventually I became conditioned to believe that each friend, each classmate, each acquaintance would abandon me and/or toss me aside as I’d experienced in the past. At JiM, I had a chance to look very deeply at the shadowy parts of myself and could very easily reaffirm those negative beliefs about myself. However, that was also contrasted with exercises that helped me see my strengths, my good qualities, the golden parts of me that make me a person that people like. More importantly than that, they showed me why I should like myself. For so many of us, it was the first time in years that we had seen a glimpse of the little golden boys we’d been before we began to be scarred, wounded, and disillusioned to the world. I used to be confident, I used to be adventurous, I used to be outgoing, and I used to love myself. Having seen a glimpse of that boy who used to be all those things, I was reminded that he’s still there… and I can be him again: confident, brave, loving, etc.

When I first joined North Star in May 2012 (wow, it’s been over a year!) and started attending my Evergreen group the next month, the thing that blew me away and helped me the most was realizing that I wasn’t alone. That feeling has come and gone over the past year, some days feeling lonelier than others, but being at JiM with 31 other men who were willing to work through issues that were holding them back in life (wounds from abuse, bullying, dysfunctional family life, etc.), I felt connected, blessed, and accepted. And this joyful feeling was common among the men there. Some of them, it was the first time in their lives that they had ever felt like that.

By the end of the weekend, I felt energized. I got in the car at 5:50pm and “officially” re-entered reality, I was on a high. The best thing I can compare it to would be when I went to EFY as a youth… but even more so. I was able to connect to my God that weekend… and I think a lot of it had to do with coming to believe to a greater extent that I was worth His time. Those 48 hours were not the end to my problems. I have a lot more emotional work and processing to do before they’ll be done (and they’ll never be done in this life, I expect).  However, I feel that JiM has given me the tools to do that work and the brothers I need to help me with my work.

Now, here’s my plug for JiM (and this goes to men who deal with SSA and those who do not): If you have scars and issues from your past that hold you back from being the whole man that you want to be, I recommend looking into it. I’m not going to be the guy who insists that every man on North Star should go to JiM or that every man needs to… but if you are considering it, I say go! You won’t regret it! It changed how I look at myself and at others and it’s in that way that life gets better, by changing me, even if “change” never means becoming straight.