North Star International

Ok. So I’ve been meaning to do this post for a while: one about North Star. I’ve mentioned North Star in some previous posts, but I’ve never really gotten into explaining it much. So, here it goes. North Star is an internet community for individuals with same-sex attraction (and those who support them) who want to keep their lives in harmony with the Church.

The name comes from a talk that President Hinckley gave in April 1989, called “Let Love Be the Lodestar of Your Life”. He said, “We came to know of the constancy of that star. As the earth turned, the others appeared to move through the night. But the North Star held its position in line with the axis of the earth… Love is like the Polar Star. In a changing world, it is a constant. It is of the very essence of the gospel.” And God loved us enough to send Christ to atone for our sins.

North Star’s mission is to help create a community for people with SSA and for their families, to create a support system. When I found North Star back in May 2012, I didn’t know what kind of impact it would have on my life. But in some of the rough times that have happened since then, North Star has been my support. On my worst days, I can post on the private Facebook group what my concerns and worries are, and within minutes I can have a response of support, advice, or something funny to cheer me up.

In addition to the Facebook group, North Star has email groups, divided into different demographics: youth, men, women, transgender, spouses, friends/family, local leaders, prospective missionaries, young adults, single men/women, married men/women, and (this one surprised me) individuals in same-sex relationships. North Star also has a blog kept by several members, called the Northern Lights blog, and they have started a podcast, which I previously wrote about.

Other than a couple of events per year (the Fall Chili Cook-Off and the Christmas Musical Fireside), North Star rarely does physical events and their entire community exists online (though I heard there is going to be a fireside this April, but more details on that later). As a result, some people I know who very much prefer physical human interaction, as opposed to electronically through North Star. However, that’s not always possible, which is why it’s nice for those who cannot physically meet with other faithful latter-day saints with SSA to be able to connect with them over the internet.

As I look back at this post, it seems kind of dry and almost like an advertisement… so let me share this to finish… I have had some rough times in the past year and the support I have felt from the North Star community is invaluable. I have felt like I’m in Zion when I’m around those men and women. I have learned from their words and I have come closer to the Savior. I have found dear friends and found deep support from people, some of whom I’ve never met. At the times when I have needed it most, they have been there to remind me that because of the Atonement, life will get better.

Behind the Voices

(me with Ty Mansfield, the man who started this great movement)

A couple weeks ago, I was asked for some input and reflections about the Voices of Hope project, which I was filmed for on November 16. A little while later, after the podcast was released, I listened to it. This episode of the North Star Voices podcast was about the filming of the project, the feelings and impressions that those involved had on that day.

I figured the podcast would be spiritual, but, like the filming of the project itself, I didn’t expect it to be THAT powerful. For the sake of some confidentiality (because of Google and stuff) I’m not going to mention most people by name, so this post will mostly be a summary of the thoughts and feelings from the podcast.

One thing that I absolutely LOVED was mentioned by at least eight of those interviewed and I wholeheartedly agree: The community, the brotherhood, the bond, the camaraderie, and the family there was tangible. Like I’ve mentioned before, it’s in those moments that I can glimpse Zion. Reo, one of the cameramen (who does not experience same-sex attraction), made the comment, “I feel like I'm in the temple right now.” Multiple people noted how strong the Spirit was; one Voices of Hope participant noted that it was because people are testifying that there is hope through Jesus Christ. Reo also noted that it was because there was so much love, acceptance, and understanding of the Atonement present at those filming locations. A different participant noted that earlier on in his journey, he believed he was the only “gay man” trying to live the gospel. I can say from experience that I’ve felt that way before too and I know many people who have felt that way. However, it’s not true! As this participant said, “You are not alone! There are a lot of us!” Another participant said that he went through withdrawals in the days following his shoot, because his life was so mundane compared to the power he’d felt at the shoots. One of the project’s coordinators noted that the camaraderie was an unexpected (yet very welcomed) byproduct of the project. I am grateful to count myself as part of this brotherhood and this Voices of Hope family.

Another common theme in the podcast was how much the Lord provided the participants with words to speak. One participant is not a native English speaker, so he was worried about being able to convey all that he wanted to in his second language. However, he said, “I didn’t lack any words.” A couple others, though native English speakers, had similar worries. One of them, reflecting on what he’d said, noted that it was what he would have wanted to hear if he had heard it while he was struggling. The other said that he had prayed, “Wilt thou give me the words to speak?” He testified that he had been given those inspired words. Like them, I had been a little worried about having said everything right or having said enough. A few things have brought me comfort in that. First, while talking to Ty Mansfield after my shoot, he noted that even after writing “In Quiet Desperation” and “Voices of Hope”, he still had much more he wanted to say. Also, he noted that when he wrote “In Quiet Desperation” he didn’t expect to get married in this life. That comment reminded me that my story will never be able to be told in full during this life, because I’m continuously writing it. Another thing that brought me comfort is this blog. I am free to share my thoughts and reflections about my SSA and other things in my life and be able to share my testimony at all times.

Another one that I’ve brought up a few times became a common theme. It was mentioned multiple times how SSA is not a weakness. It is a blessing and strength. William Seger (who wrote “Why Me?: A Gay Man's Struggle for Love and Family”) noted that it is a blessing! He continuously reminds a young man he knows that it is a blessing. However, where that young man is, he cannot see it. William’s wife referenced Ether 12:27 in supporting her husband. Another participant said, “Learn to love it! Love yourself! Enjoy the fact that you see others differently! ... Don't let the world tell you who you are. Tell the world who you are!” I absolutely loved that!

Here’s another point I wanted to bring up… it was emphasized my multiple people in the podcast how much agency plays into this. William Seger mentioned agency twice during his snippet and emphasized how we choose what we want to become. The gay lifestyle is not the only choice. As noted previously, you choose who you want to be! Don’t let the world decide who you want to be! Don’t let their lies tell you that you are less than you are. One thing I loved that I said was this: “You are more than your mistakes and your weaknesses... they don't define you... your weaknesses can be your strengths.”

The podcast ended with some words from the project’s coordinator. He noted that even now as they’ve filmed forty participants, we have no idea how far this project will reach and what the impact will be. Eventually, they would even like to do videos from other countries (England, Thailand, Chile, etc). He quoted Joseph Smith in saying, “No unhallowed hand can stop this work from progressing.”

Finally, the podcast ended off with a clip of Elder Jefferey R. Holland from October 2011 Priesthood session of General Conference. I remember this distinctly. I was in Calgary at the time and it had been a hard time for me, but this re-energized me: “Satan cannot directly take a life. That is one of many things he cannot do. But apparently his effort to stop the work will be reasonably well served if he can just bind the tongue of the faithful ...  I ask for a stronger and more devoted voice, a voice not only against evil and him who is the personification of it, but a voice for good, a voice for the gospel, a voice for God. Brethren of all ages, unbind your tongues and watch your words work wonders in the lives of those “who are only kept from the truth because they know not where to find it.”

I have a testimony of this work. Just like any other kind of missionary work, the Lord will support this. And above all else, remember that through the Atonement, it gets better.

PS: Here’s a link to the podcast. Yours truly is featured at the time marker 49:40

Sounds Like Zion

Sunday night this week was great! After having a great day with some friends after a friend’s Melchezidek priesthood ordination (PS: Congratulations again, Phil), I went to the annual North Star Christmas musical fireside. Such an amazing, powerful, spiritual experience!

I arrived with my friends just in time for it to start. Immediately, I felt a sense of peace as I saw the faces of familiar people, many of whom I’ve met in person, but also many that I had only met online. As the fireside started, I pegged a word to the feeling I had. I texted my Dad that I was at the fireside and then said, “I feel at home here.” His reply struck me: “Saints united in a righteous cause… the Spirit there… Sounds like Zion.”

I knew he was right. I could recall the scripture I’d memorized years ago in seminary: “And the Lord called his people Zion, because they were of one heart and one mind, and dwelt in righteousness; and there was no poor among them.” (Moses 7:18) “One heart and one mind”… isn’t that exactly what I was feeling in that room? Isn’t that what I’d felt just a few weeks before at the AMCAP conference? Isn’t that what I’d felt for months at my Evergreen group? I remembered once telling Garrett about my feelings at an Evergreen meeting. “You wouldn’t expect the Spirit to be so strong in a room full of men that the world would call ‘gay’,” I’d said. And yet, that’s what I felt. Why? Because we’re striving to live the gospel.

As difficult as it can be sometimes to be attracted to men, I have felt some of the strongest testimonies among my SSA friends. They’d have to be the strongest… otherwise we’d fall into what Lehi called “forbidden paths” (1 Nephi 8:28) Add this to another reason why I’m grateful to be “gay”: my testimony is not what it probably would have been, had it not been for my SSA. What if we could have that unity of purpose and testimony in our elders’ quorums and relief societies? Imagine how the church and the world would change. Honestly, I think the church wouldn’t have to put out websites like this one (“Love One Another: A Discussion on Same-Sex Attraction”) to teach us to love each other unconditionally (PS: I plan on doing a blog post in the future on this new church website… I want to explore it more first). It would be inherent and intuitive.

As if the feeling of home/Zion wasn’t powerful enough for me, I was blown away by the musical numbers and the three speakers. In particular, I felt the Spirit wash over me when my friend (let’s call him Keith) sang “Silent Night”. Keith has an AMAZING voice and especially having gotten to know him over the past few weeks and learn from his story, I know very much of his testimony as well and I know that he has a powerful testimony of the Atonement and of Jesus Christ, of whom he sang.

I was also very moved by the words of Steven Frei, the president of North Star, who spoke at the close of the fireside. One part of his remarks really struck me: “Two thousand years ago, Mary and Joseph knocked. Now, Christ knocks at our door. He is our true Voice of hope.” Of course, with the North Star community, the phrase “voice of hope” has a lot of meaning to us. However, Ty Mansfield also mentioned in his book (and on the introduction video to the upcoming website) that the greatest Voice of hope (and the one that all of our testimonies, as part of the Voices of Hope project, point to) is Jesus Christ. He was born so that He could fulfill His mission as the Savior of the world. He came to give us all hope. He came to be the purest Voice of hope that any of us (no matter what we experience in our lives) can look to.

I bear testimony of the Lord Jesus Christ. He is the one we worship and reverence in this Christmas season. It is because of His birth and death that we are able to find peace and meaning in this life. And, as always, it is through that infinite Atonement that it gets better.