Horrible at Being Gay

Something that has helped me in the past little bit has been learning to laugh at myself. It’s especially helped make my same-sex attraction less scary. Instead of being a scary dragon that I have to fight on a daily basis, it’s more like a puppy that occasionally misbehaves. Like any puppy, I can get bitten sometimes, but more often I get to play with it. So, here we go:

I mentioned this story once before, but I wanted to bring it up again. Back in July, before I was very public at all with my SSA, I was driving up to a ward FHE activity with three friends: Michael, Michelle, and Shelby. At the time, Michael was the only one who knew about my SSA and we’d already gotten into the habit of joking about it. Shelby was driving, with Michelle in the passenger seat, so Michael and I were in the back seat. I can’t remember what I’d said, but something I’d said to Michael prompted this conversation:

Shelby: “Spencer, stop flirting with Michael.”

Me: (look at Michael with a grin on my face) “Don’t worry. He’s not my type.”

Michael: “Oh my gosh… moving on…”

Me: “I’m sorry, Michael. It’s not you, it’s me.”

So in the end me and Michael had a good laugh about that one (and we enjoyed Michelle’s reaction when we helped her connect the dots after I told her about my SSA).

(me and Michael after Paint Twister turned into Paint War)

***

There was also another situation recently. I was getting ready for a date (just to be clear: the date was with a girl) and I was talking to Garrett. For some strange reason, I was talking to him about the shirt I was going to wear and how it matched the shirt I was wearing underneath… I had a sudden realization:

Me: “Garrett… does talking about this shirt make me look gay?”

Honestly, since my “coming out” post, I’ve been much less concerned about hiding the little things I do that I thought would make me look gay. For example, when I getting ready for church one week, I noticed how cracked my hands were getting, so I considered putting hand lotion in my bag. Before my “coming out”, I would have been worried that a guy carrying around hand lotion in his bag would seem gay. After my “coming out”, my thought process was more like this: “What’s someone going to say? ‘Are you gay?’ I could just reply, ‘Well, I don’t like to call myself gay, but if you need a label for my sexuality, yes.’”

***

Time for another funny story: This summer, around mid-June, my ward was getting ready for a service/date auction that we were going to have for a ward activity at the beginning of July. As a result, throughout the month, the leaders in the ward had fake money to give us to bid with. After ward prayer one week, I was there with my girlfriend and Michael (both of them knew about my SSA) and this conversation ensued between me and my elders quorum president, Ben (who didn’t know about my SSA).

Me: “Hey Ben, you should give me one of those twenties.”

Ben: “Why? You already have a girlfriend.”

Me: “Well, I could bid on something else.”

Ben: (thinks for a second and hands me a twenty) “Congratulations on not being gay.”

Me, my girlfriend, and Michael: (burst out laughing to the confusion of people around us)

***

One of my other favorite situations is when I’m talking to my SSA friends. In particular, it happens a lot with one friend (let’s call him John). For years, John has had a crush on this one girl.

TIME OUT: Those of you who are confused about my friend John (a man with SSA) being attracted to a girl, let me clear up one thing: YES, a guy with SSA CAN find himself attracted to the occasional girl… HOWEVER, everyone is different… there are no set “rules” about how fluid sexuality is. Some guys with SSA are attracted to girls as much as they’re attracted to men and some are not attracted to women at all. Also, there are people on the “scale” everywhere in between.

Okay, time in and back to John: A month or so ago, I was chatting with John on Facebook about this girl he has a crush on. He was planning a date with her and he was telling me about it. At the same time, I was telling him about a girl that I have a crush on (So, yes, I am one of the guys with same-sex attraction that, given the right girl and the right day, I can be attracted to her). As we were talking, a sudden thought occurred to me, so I interrupted him:

Me: “John, we have got to be the most horrible gay guys ever!”

As time goes on, it seems to keep coming up. Every time I talk with my SSA friends and talk of girls comes up, I tell them that we’re horrible at being gay, talking about girls we find cute instead of guys.

***

Whatever your weakness… whatever your “dragon”… I invite you to think of a way to turn it into something less scary. Honestly, humor works really well for me. Maybe something else will turn your dragon into a puppy. In the meantime, remember that, all else fails, it gets better through the Atonement.

Sounds Like Zion

Sunday night this week was great! After having a great day with some friends after a friend’s Melchezidek priesthood ordination (PS: Congratulations again, Phil), I went to the annual North Star Christmas musical fireside. Such an amazing, powerful, spiritual experience!

I arrived with my friends just in time for it to start. Immediately, I felt a sense of peace as I saw the faces of familiar people, many of whom I’ve met in person, but also many that I had only met online. As the fireside started, I pegged a word to the feeling I had. I texted my Dad that I was at the fireside and then said, “I feel at home here.” His reply struck me: “Saints united in a righteous cause… the Spirit there… Sounds like Zion.”

I knew he was right. I could recall the scripture I’d memorized years ago in seminary: “And the Lord called his people Zion, because they were of one heart and one mind, and dwelt in righteousness; and there was no poor among them.” (Moses 7:18) “One heart and one mind”… isn’t that exactly what I was feeling in that room? Isn’t that what I’d felt just a few weeks before at the AMCAP conference? Isn’t that what I’d felt for months at my Evergreen group? I remembered once telling Garrett about my feelings at an Evergreen meeting. “You wouldn’t expect the Spirit to be so strong in a room full of men that the world would call ‘gay’,” I’d said. And yet, that’s what I felt. Why? Because we’re striving to live the gospel.

As difficult as it can be sometimes to be attracted to men, I have felt some of the strongest testimonies among my SSA friends. They’d have to be the strongest… otherwise we’d fall into what Lehi called “forbidden paths” (1 Nephi 8:28) Add this to another reason why I’m grateful to be “gay”: my testimony is not what it probably would have been, had it not been for my SSA. What if we could have that unity of purpose and testimony in our elders’ quorums and relief societies? Imagine how the church and the world would change. Honestly, I think the church wouldn’t have to put out websites like this one (“Love One Another: A Discussion on Same-Sex Attraction”) to teach us to love each other unconditionally (PS: I plan on doing a blog post in the future on this new church website… I want to explore it more first). It would be inherent and intuitive.

As if the feeling of home/Zion wasn’t powerful enough for me, I was blown away by the musical numbers and the three speakers. In particular, I felt the Spirit wash over me when my friend (let’s call him Keith) sang “Silent Night”. Keith has an AMAZING voice and especially having gotten to know him over the past few weeks and learn from his story, I know very much of his testimony as well and I know that he has a powerful testimony of the Atonement and of Jesus Christ, of whom he sang.

I was also very moved by the words of Steven Frei, the president of North Star, who spoke at the close of the fireside. One part of his remarks really struck me: “Two thousand years ago, Mary and Joseph knocked. Now, Christ knocks at our door. He is our true Voice of hope.” Of course, with the North Star community, the phrase “voice of hope” has a lot of meaning to us. However, Ty Mansfield also mentioned in his book (and on the introduction video to the upcoming website) that the greatest Voice of hope (and the one that all of our testimonies, as part of the Voices of Hope project, point to) is Jesus Christ. He was born so that He could fulfill His mission as the Savior of the world. He came to give us all hope. He came to be the purest Voice of hope that any of us (no matter what we experience in our lives) can look to.

I bear testimony of the Lord Jesus Christ. He is the one we worship and reverence in this Christmas season. It is because of His birth and death that we are able to find peace and meaning in this life. And, as always, it is through that infinite Atonement that it gets better.

My Paradigm Shift

My post today was going to be something humorous to kinda contrast how serious I’ve been lately, but right now I just don’t feel humorous. No, I’m not feeling down. I’m actually feeling really good. Very peaceful. I was just privileged to listen to a beautiful draft of the North Star Voices podcast about the Voices of Hope Project, which I contributed to. As such, I don’t feel that a humorous post would be appropriate with how I feel right now. (As a side-note, I’ve heard that the Voices of Hope website will be launch around Christmas day with the first ten videos, which were filmed back in August; I’ll do a post about that when it goes up).

Maybe just a bit of reflection then. Like I said, I listened to the podcast today and, in addition to that, a few days ago I dug back into my mission email and found the email I’d sent to my parents on August 23, 2010, telling them for the first time about my same-sex attraction. I’d like to share an excerpt from that email:

“Friday night, I was talking to Elder Call and the Spirit was guiding our conversation and it came out that I was gay. To my surprise, Elder Call told me that he already knew. He said he'd known for a while, because of promptings of the Spirit and small things I'd done/said. He'd been struggling for a while trying to figure out how to talk to me about it. We were up until 3 AM talking, but we established that I am going to overcome this and Elder Call is more than willing to help me overcome it in any way that he can.”

Back then, “overcoming” my same-sex attraction to me meant having the feelings go away completely and to never be attracted to another man again. These perfectionistic feelings were a driving force in the anxiety that ended up having me put on medical leave from my mission three weeks later. Just after I got home from Toronto, someone I knew with SSA who I wasn’t close with (let’s call him Thomas) was talking to me about his struggles and as I talked about wanting to “overcome” my SSA, he refuted the idea, saying that he didn’t want it gone. It was part of what made him the compassionate, loving person that he was proud to be. I didn’t understand how he could want to deal with same-sex attraction. Wouldn’t ANYONE want it gone so that their lives would be easier?

Over the past couple months, however, I’ve felt a paradigm shift. As I mentioned in my last post (“Grateful to be ‘Gay’”), I’m grateful to be attracted to men! Two years ago, when I had that conversation with Thomas, I would have NEVER thought that was possible. EVER! Now, I would consider myself to be a lot closer to where Thomas was two years ago. I can see what he meant and if I could decide right now to never be attracted to men again… I don’t know if I’d take it. Honestly, I don’t mind being attracted to men. Sometimes it’s kind of fun (but we’ll discuss that when I do my humorous blog post). Would it be nice to have the temptations gone? HECK YES! But that’s mortality! We all get tempted! Even the Savior was tempted! Even if I was no longer attracted to men, a different temptation would inevitably take its place!

In fact, I’m grateful to have SSA because it’s repaired my relationship with Thomas. I’ve known Thomas my whole life, but we were NEVER close. But in my journey to learn about my SSA and learn to deal with it in a healthy manner, my conversations with him have brought a brotherly love into our friendship that I will forever cherish.

To finish off, I want to share another part of the email I sent to my parents in August 2010. This part, I can tell you, hasn’t changed. I still very much believe this:

“Having ‘come out of the closet’, I feel so much strength now. I'm not alone at this anymore. I have Elder Call and President Brower to help me. I have your prayers to help me. Most importantly, I have the Savior to help me do what I can't do on my own.”

The past two years have been the biggest learning curve of my life, as I’ve learned about my SSA and found healthy ways to deal with it. It’s been hard (and I have the emotional scars to prove it) but I have come closer to the Savior because of what I’ve gone through and because of what I’ve learned. As always, as I close, I want you to remember one thing: Through the Atonement, it gets better.

(me and Elder Call, about a month after "coming out" to him)

Grateful to be "Gay"

The idea for this post was probably a long time coming, but I definitely decided to turn it into a post, after reading Josh Weed’s post on the North Star Northern Lights blog called “Thanksgiving, SSA Style”. In a funny way, it’s something I’ve thought about quite a bit recently.

I mentioned in my original SSA post (by the way, as of today, it’s been six weeks since I did that post… wow!) that I’ve begun to see my same-sex attraction as strength and not just as a trial. Sure it can be a trial at times, resisting temptations, but how different is that from any other guy being tempted by women (for the record, I have had my attractions toward women too; they’re less frequent, but I’ve had them). So yah, this is why I’m grateful for my same-sex attraction:

1. Let’s start with a silly one. Maybe it’s just a gay stereotype, but I love it that I’m “observant” of how certain colors match and play together. I really noticed this one on Thanksgiving Day actually when I was at my friend Eric’s house. I was in their bathroom and I noticed how much I liked the color coordination in there. The shower curtain complimented the wall, which complimented the towels, which complimented the countertop, which complimented the bathmat on the floor.
2. Another silly one: I love that I can laugh about it. Little things come up that make me laugh about it. For example, this summer, I was driving to a ward activity with three friends: Shelby, Michelle, and Michael. I was sitting in the back of the car while Shelby drove with Michelle in the passenger seat. At the time, neither Michelle nor Shelby knew about my SSA… but Michael did. In response to something I said, Shelby shouted back, “Spencer, stop flirting with Michael.” I just looked at him, both of us with smirks on our faces, and I responded, “Don’t worry. He’s not my type.” Michael tried to diffuse the situation, but I was having too much fun with it, so I kept talking, “I’m sorry, Michael. It’s not you, it’s me.”
3. Now for a serious one… I feel that I’ve gained a greater understanding of the Atonement. In seminary, I’d read the scripture Alma 7:11 a bit (“And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.”). Consciously, I understood that this meant that the Atonement covered more than just sins… that it covers our sorrows, sicknesses, and pains from this fallen world. However, it wasn’t until I started confronting my SSA and learning to work with/through it that I truly even begun to understand what that means. I’ve felt the enabling power of the Atonement more since then than ever before.
4. I asked my SSA friends about why they’re grateful for their SSA. Several of them mentioned that they’re grateful for the empathy that they’ve gained from it. It’s amazing how trials and difficulties can refine us and help us develop the Christ-like attributes of compassion, love, and understanding. That being said, I know some straight guys who are empathetic and compassionate. However, it’s just amazing to me how consistently the refining attribute of SSA helps men develop a sense of empathy that they wouldn’t have otherwise.
5. A couple of my friends (one of them being David, who for 3 years anonymously wrote “(Gay) Mormon Guy” before he became public) mentioned to me that they’re grateful for their SSA because it gives them the opportunity to serve others. Whether it’s because they’re helping someone else who experiences same-sex attraction or whether it’s because they’re just good at being a listening ear, I agree. It’s a great opportunity and an amazing feeling to be able to help someone in need (the joys of being an SSA Missionary). I actually think it is funny, because I was talking to one of my friends yesterday (let’s call him Lewis) about how he’s been put in the path of several people in just the past few days who he has been able to help. Lewis is still very new to the LDS SSA community, but he has a great amount of faith (he filmed for Voices of Hope, like I did, a couple weeks ago).
6. Another thing that makes me grateful for my SSA is the ability I have to connect to other people. Like I mentioned in my original SSA post, I’ve noticed that because of my SSA I’m not satisfied with a “Sup, dude” kind of relationship. Of course, there are straight guys that enjoy deeper relationships with other men, but in my experience, those are rare. I’ve also been blessed to meet other strong souls who are committed to the gospel despite of (or in some cases because of) their same-sex attraction. The bond and connection I’ve felt with these men is the strongest bond of friendship and brotherhood that I’ve experienced before, especially with how short a time I’ve known many of them.
7. The last one is probably one of the most powerful that I’ve learned (and that I’m still trying to internalize better). When I asked one of my friends (let’s call him Danny), he was one of the ones who brought up how much he’s been able to understand God’s infinite perfect love because of his SSA. There is so much proof of how much God loves us: “Yea, it is the love of God, which...is the most desirable above all things.” (1 Nephi 11:33), “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son…” (John 3:16), “Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.” (1 John 4:7)… The list could go on. Recently I’ve had a hard time loving myself. I grew up not really having any friends and the ones I did have always felt “temporary”, as if I was just there until they found someone better or cooler. I felt small, insignificant, and forgettable. It wasn’t until I got to BYU and became friends with Garrett, Juliana, and Becca that I really felt like I had friends that I could count on. Even with all the friends I have now who I treasure (Garrett (and his family), Becca, Juliana, Elder Call, Eric (and his family), Justin, Tyler, Joey, Phil, Scott, Ian, Michael, Michelle, Jeremy, Curtis, Jack… the list goes on and on) I struggle to know that all these people can really love me and are not just going to brush me aside in a few days, weeks, or months. Yes, relationships change, but love doesn’t. Something that I have at least begun to learn is how much my Heavenly Father loves me. Why should He love me? I’ve sinned, I’m flawed, and (in my opinion) I look funny… and yet He loves me despite my imperfections and because of them.

(This is one of my favorite pictures of the Savior... like #5, He is a listening ear for us)

I know that God loves me. I know that He loves you. If you have any doubt of that, take a good long look in the mirror and say to your reflection “God loves you perfectly. God loves me perfectly.” It is so much harder than I could have expected, but there’s power in expressing those words. He loves you and (though I may not know you) I love you. And as always, no matter what you’re going through, through the Atonement, it gets better.

The Authentic Me

WOW! It’s been a month since my coming out post. It’s hard to believe that it’s been that long already… on the other hand, it’s hard to believe it’s only been a month. It’s certainly been an interesting month. I had two SSA missionary experiences (I’ll probably write about those later). I also had the opportunity to participate in the Voices of Hope project this past weekend. WOW! What an experience! I felt so jumbled and that my video isn’t coherent, but I guess that’s what post-production is for. I also had the opportunity to attend the conference that AMCAP (Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists) put on in Provo. Such an amazing experience! I brought Garrett and both of us were able to learn a lot.

I’ve been reflecting a bit in the last week or so of how things have changed in the past month. I’ve had some emotional episodes, but in general I feel that I’m happier. Why is that? What’s made the difference? Honestly, the answer I’ve found is authenticity. I think this point is really well said in Tyler Moore’s story “Being my True Self” in Ty Mansfield’s book “Voices of Hope”:

“As scary as increased honesty and openness have been, it has felt great not to have to carry the load by myself. So great, in fact, that I actually started to have feelings of really liking myself, something previously totally foreign to me. Initially, I associated those feelings of self-acceptance with finally accepting that I was gay, but I’ve realized over time this was naïve. I now know that the reason I started liking myself is because I was being honest and appropriately authentic, and I felt support and love from others in that authenticity.”

I can really relate to that. I’ll be honest; October 20 (when I did my “coming out”) was the scariest day of my life. Did I expect negative responses? No, not necessarily, but putting yourself out there that much gives you what some of my friends would call a “vulnerability hangover” (basically, being so emotionally drained from divulging deep personal information, making you feel vulnerable). However, as I’ve seen and heard the responses to that post, I have felt loved and respected. Like Tyler Moore said, I feel that I’ve been able to like myself more by being able to be honest about myself and not hold back details about myself. And because I like myself more (though I still struggle with that at times) I’m happier.

I’m not saying that you should be public about all of your deep dark secrets, like I’ve been with my same-sex attraction, but I invite you to think about how you can be more authentic with the people around you. Reach out when you need help, be honest with your friends and family, BE YOURSELF. Rejoice in the good that you have and work on the stuff you don’t like. And above all else, remember that through the Atonement it gets better.

I say this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

(me and Garrett as Mario and Luigi for Halloween this year)