Ghosts of Birthdays Past

21st Birthday (2012)

Up until a few years ago, I didn't really care about my birthday. Quite honestly, without friends to celebrate it with, your birthday is just like any other day of the year. With today as my birthday and I plan on having people over tonight, I wanted to kind of reflect on how far I've come, even just focusing on that one day per year: January 31.

2012 (age 21) -- About 3 months before, I'd returned from Calgary and I was still dealing with that. However, FINALLY I was 21. Now I was the age of a normal RM (as opposed to 19 and 20). My best friend was still in Chile, but fortunately I had other friends that I'd made the year before that I could get together with. And so it was... I got together with Michael, Mario, Ian, Eric, Scott, Joey and a few others and we went to Wingers for dinner. Definitely helped to be around people who cared about me and wanted me to be happy on my birthday.

2011 (age 20) -- I remember it being a really crazy day. Class at 10:00, work from 11:00-2:30, class at 4:00, another class from 5:00-7:00, and then FHE. So between that and having to do homework, I'd told Eric that I wasn't really planning anything for my birthday. Not willing to put up with my self-isolation, got together with Melissa and they brought over cake and ice cream. Only a minute after they came into the apartment with Emalee (who Eric was engaged to at the time) and Melissa's roommates, Justin and his roommates came running in from the apartment above mine. That night, I remember Eric saying something to me along the lines of "Don't ever forget how many people love you."

2010 (age 19) -- Braden was visiting and the day started in the threshold of my door. At midnight, Juliana and Michelle were there to wish me happy birthday from the other side of the door. Later (after sleeping for the night), we went to church and I actually missed Sunday School and Priesthood because I was waiting for my stake presidency interview for my mission. That being said... by the time we left church that day, my mission papers were submitted and I was so excited (I had no idea how long I'd be waiting). And later, we had cake with Juliana and Becca.

2009 (age 18) -- The first time since elementary school that I really had people to spend my birthday with. I went into the city to have a party with some friends from my stake, including my cousin Kyre. It was a bunch of fun... a good change compared to the year before.

17th Birthday (2008)

2008 (age 17) -- If there is anyone that can insult you really badly by forgetting your birthday, it's the school administration, who have a list of birthdays. During morning announcements when they usually announce birthdays, they didn't say anything. No birthdays. Really? Ouch! The day didn't go very well after that either. Instead of working that day, I ended up going to my mom's work and finding a place to cry and release my emotions. My brother Jared called that night to wish me happy birthday (which meant a lot to me) and my family had cake to celebrate with a family friend from our ward.

Over the years I have seen the Lord bless me with better and better people in my life. He has taught me and loved me through those He's put in my path. Four years ago, I didn't believe I could ever have good guy friends. Now I have so many. What can I say more than I've already said? I have great friends and I know that it's because of the Lord's mercy and love that they are in my life.

Grateful to Be Autistic

I showed my autism a lot more
when I was younger

I kind of want to switch gears today a bit, after talking about so much SSA stuff. Instead, I want to talk about something else that has affected my life a lot. It’s been a while since I really talked about it on here, but I’ve been thinking about this post for a while. Some of you who haven’t known me very long may not know this, but I have high-functioning autism (Asperger’s Syndrome). My autism affected me more when I was younger, since I’ve learned to live with it.  However, kind of like with my post about being grateful for my same-sex attraction, I wanted to do one about why I’m grateful for my autism.

To be honest, three years ago when I was waiting for my mission call and the mission department delayed it… and delayed it… and delayed it because of my autism, I was not fond of it. In fact, I hated that there was anything about me that was abnormal (at that time, I was in a period of denial about my SSA too). In the end, I waited a month and a half, whereas the other guys in my ward were waiting two weeks. To this day, when I see things like the meme below (taken from BYU Memes) I want to start ranting about how short they really have to wait (but that’s a post and a rant for another day). However, recently, as I’ve learned to be grateful for my SSA, I’ve also learned to be grateful for my autism.

Reason #1: Being autistic has helped me become and enjoy being genuine and authentic. Yes, authenticity needs its boundaries; otherwise it can drive some people away, because they’re not prepared for it. However, there are so many people who are scared of showing people who they really are. Me, it’s natural and it’s liberating.

Reason #2: For me, honesty also seems natural. In fact, I feel like I have an overdeveloped sense of guilt, in some ways. However, that can be good, because it means I’m not likely to lie. In fact, if I ever tell you I plan on doing something with you, I probably mean it (so don’t offer if you don’t mean it). If I don’t want to, I’ll attempt to talk my way out of it. So in a way, my autism has helped me to be open and honest with those around me.

Reason #3: Part of being autistic is noticing patterns. I think this has helped me in learning foreign languages. This semester, I’m living at the FLSR (Foreign Language Student Residence) at BYU, in order to improve my Spanish. I look back on my experiences with learning languages (I also took French throughout middle school and high school) and while my peers have had a hard time with conjugations and stuff, it felt straight forward: languages are patterns. My listening comprehension may take some work, but yeah, that’s okay. I suppose this isn’t always the case with autistic people, but I like to think it helps me with the many conjugations of verbs in Spanish that my classmates find difficult.

Reason #4: People with autism tend to be hyper-focused on stuff. For example, when I was younger, I was hyper-focused on Pokémon, Digimon, or whatever other personal fad I was going through. Now, it seems to be more on the same-sex attraction thing. However, I’d like to argue that it’s not as much about the SSA as it is about what the SSA has taught me about families. I’ve been learning about dealing with my SSA recently and in doing so I’ve learned a lot about myself and I’ve also become aware of how much Satan is attacking the family. This has led me to my new major, Family Studies, and has led me to want to pursue a career in Marriage and Family therapy. I think being hyper-focused on the family is far from a negative trait.

Like with my SSA, through the Atonement, I have learned to become okay with my autism. In fact, I’ve even begun to enjoy it. And that’s why I always say that it’s because of the Atonement that it gets better.

Autism Awareness is represented by multicolored puzzle
pieces to represent its complex nature. 

Prepared For Us

To follow-up last night’s post, I have some good news. Alex talked to his roommate and explained to him about his SSA. His roommate was understanding and told Alex that his girlfriend’s dad is a psychiatrist, who has many clients that deal with SSA. After Alex told me that, I sent him a text back saying “Funny how people are prepared like that, huh?”

It made me think about all of the “coincidences” that I’ve experienced along the way. I’ve been very conscious of them since I came home from Toronto, but even more so since I started participating in the LDS SSA community. As if I need any proof, I’m going to share a few examples.

Justin is the one right behind me in the red shirt

Let’s start with Justin, my old roommate. First off, before he even knew about my SSA, there were “coincidences” just surrounding him. (1) He served in the same mission as my older brother, Brett, though they barely overlapped. (2) My first Sunday in that ward (long before he was my roommate) he just happened to be the Mission Prep teacher and as we later found out (3) my home teacher. Now for the good stuff. I lived with Justin during summer 2011 before I left for my trial mission in Calgary. I’ve mentioned this before, but when I told him about my SSA, just chuckled (which utterly confused me) and said “Spencer, I think we were supposed to be roommates.” After that, he proceeded to tell me about investigators and companions who dealt with combinations of anxiety, Aspergers, SSA, etc. In that way, Justin was prepared to be my roommate when I needed him.

Me, Caleb, Juliana, Becca, and
Steve at Caleb and Juliana's reception

Now to another example. As I’ve mentioned before, after receiving the prompting to begin blogging about my SSA, I decided that I needed to make a list of people I had to tell before I outed myself to the world, because I wanted them to hear it from me and not from Facebook. On that list was my good friend Juliana. Though we had had rocky times in our friendship in the year previous, I still considered her a very close friend. It was around mid-September. I’d told Juliana I wanted to talk and because I’d been so vague about it she was kind of worrying about what was going on. Finally, we were able to meet up and we talked, we caught up on life, and I told her about my SSA. I’ve gotta say, she was one of the people I was most worried about telling, because of how rocky things had been earlier that year. However, things could have not gone better. Later that day, in fact, Juliana texted me and told me that her husband, Caleb, had actually done some gospel-based research about SSA in the past (I had given her permission to tell Caleb). What a coincidence, huh? Her husband already had some understanding on the subject. What are the odds?

One more story… actually, this one is more of an idea, since it hasn’t happened yet. I was talking with Calvin once about this actually. Having known women like Danielle Mansfield and Lolly Weed and knowing how much of a strain SSA could put on a marriage, I feel as though the women who marry men with SSA have to be pretty amazing, charitable, Christ-like women. Exceptional even. And I believe that God will prepare one of His daughters to be that for me, to bless me throughout my life and throughout the eternities.

I’m sure if I sat here long enough I could think of even more stories to tell you. However, I’ve already told you so many, remember? Steve, James, Thomas, and Alex. No, none of these are exactly proof of what I’ve been saying. There will always be people will attribute the hand of the Lord to coincidence. However, I don’t believe in such a myth. I believe in the Lord. I believe in His plan. I believe in the Atonement, the means by which our most trying times can make things get better.

Shame, Faith, Fear, and Joy

Another late night blog post. This one is for Alex. Tonight, he is extremely scared that his roommate has inadvertently learned about his SSA. As such, Alex is having a hard time. He’s scared to talk to his roommate about it, but he also is scared to just wait and hope for it to blow over. In the midst of that, he has been dealing with shame surrounding his SSA these last few days, which I didn’t realize.

In texting me about his fears and his shame, Alex said to me “I don’t want to deal with this! Why What awful thing did I do before this life to merit dealing with such a terrible punishment? I just want to be normal! I just want to be happy… I haven’t been truly happy for years. What does God want from me now? Sometimes I just wish God would just let me be.” My heart broke getting these texts from Alex after I left his place. I’ve been there… I think many members of the church with SSA have been there… we struggle with “Why would God give me something so controversial?” However, there is no simple answer to that question.

I don’t know why I have this attraction to men. I don’t know why the Lord gave it to me. However, there are some things I do know. Number one: If I serve God and love Him, all things will work together for my good. Number two: I know that every trial I go through will give me experience and will benefit me in the end. In may not be soon, Alex, but as you continue to follow the Lord, you will begin to see your SSA as a blessing more and as a curse less. Number three: Our purpose here in this life, and God’s purpose for sending us here, is to make us happy and give us joy. He will NEVER give us anything that is intended to cause us misery if we give it time. Yes, things are hard and we get sad and hurt sometimes, but no, we don’t have to stay that way. Number four: Jesus Christ, our Older Brother, our Savior, and our Redeemer, felt all the sadness, pain, hurt, and shame that we go through in this life. The beautiful thing about that is that He could have learned how that hurt and shame felt through the Spirit, but He chose to experience it for Himself because He loves YOU so much. He is your friend and He will never abandon you.

I wish I could formulate my words better, but it is past 1:00 AM and all I can do right now is to bear my testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. And there is no way I know better to bear testimony of it than how I have already done, by referencing scripture. The Lord loves you and that will NEVER change. To Alex, everything will be okay. To everyone else, please keep Alex in your prayers.

All is Well in Zion?

Wow! It’s kinda late, but I wanted to write this post, so here we go. This morning, I was reading in 2 Nephi 28 for my scripture study. Verse 21 caught my attention. In the past, I’ve had discussions with one of my friends (let’s call him Calvin) about problems we’ve seen in the church. One concern he’s brought up is that (especially in priesthood) we act as though none of us have problems.

All is well in Zion?

Let me tell you, those people couldn’t be more wrong. If I can be blunt, what kind of rock do you have to live under to realize how many problems we have in the church? In our quorums? It irks me at times to have lessons about home teaching in elders quorum and hear some guy say that it’s more important for us to home teach the girls we’re assigned to than the guys. Really? I’ve heard that viewpoint explained that it’s because the girls don’t have roommates who can provide a priesthood blessing. That may be a reason to ensure that the girls get home taught. However, it’s not good enough for me.

All is well in Zion? No.

Palmyra Temple (July 2012)

What is it with our society that tells that that we can’t have problems? Even in the church, where we’re taught that each of us will experience trials. Yet, it seems so common that I see people around BYU that have smiles almost surgically plastered to their face in a way that I honestly don’t believe they’re happy. Pride? Is that the problem? We can’t look weak? Or do people really believe that there aren’t problems? Are many of us actually in denial?

All is well in Zion? Not even close.

I have friends who deal with pornography problems. I have friends who deal with depression and anxiety. I have friends who are stressed out on a daily basis by their classes. I have friends who are distressed by family problems. I have friends who are lonely because, despite their efforts, they are single. I have friends who have been down because of a bad breakup. Am I saying that we should announce our struggles and our problems over the pulpit during testimony meeting? No. I’ve been guilty of that; I’ve been prompted to mention my SSA over the pulpit while bearing my testimony (usually in reference to something it has taught me about the Atonement). However, we should be able to be authentic with those we trust. All of us have friends (even if your only friend is your bishop, you have a friend). Why not be a little vulnerable and feel the support that comes from being authentic with those we love? Being vulnerable and being authentic is scary (trust me; I’ve had some VERY scary days because of it).

As I finish off this post, I’m not sure what to really say. Don’t let the adversary let you believe all is perfect and Zion has no problems. That was never part of the Lord’s definition of Zion. In fact, the most Zion-like places I’ve been have been full of people that have been open to each other about their flaws and have been authentic with each other. However, at the same time, don’t be distressed. Things may not be perfect; we live in a fallen world. The amazing thing about that is that that is why Jesus Christ performed the Atonement, so that we could find that peace amongst affliction and so that we can have hope that it gets better.