He is My Spotter

I was working on my Doctrine and Covenants readings for my class tomorrow when I came across this scripture:

“And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours.” (D&C 78:18)

“Ye cannot bear all things now.” To me this quote seems to say that this moment, this sliver of time, this second, I cannot bear all things. However, there are things I can bear and there are things I can learn to bear. Like any good workout, I need to stretch myself a little past what I think I can do. When I bench-press, I try to do one more rep than I think I’m capable of.

What if I’m about to drop the weight? That’s what my spotter is for. My spotter is not just for those last sets when I struggle most, he is there through the entire set. He helps me balance the weight when one of my arms can’t lift like my other arm can. He helps stabilize the bar when I’m near the end of my endurance and my arms start to get shaky.

In life, Christ is my spotter. I may notice His presence most when I struggle and when I feel I’m about to be crushed by a weight. However, He is always there, sometimes unnoticed. He helps me lift the burdens I am struggling to lift. He helps me balance the weights that I have out of balance (classes, work, friendships, etc.).

As my Spotter, Christ is often unseen but He is there. “[His] eyes are upon [me]” (D&C 38:7). He stands behind the bench I’m lying on. Though I am unable to see Him, He has said, “I am in your midst and ye cannot see me.” He sees the weight I am lifting and if I trust him and communicate with Him, He will not let it fall. He will help me lift the weights and develop the endurance and strength that I need for the trials of this mortal existence.

Garrett and I trying to look tough....
Long before we ever considered the gym

2013: Year in Review

Last year I did a 2012: Year in Review post, based off a New Year’s tradition that my family has done as long as I can remember. I figured I’d keep up that tradition by doing another Year in Review blog post this year. So here we go…

Neatest Place You were in 2013

Again, like last year, I feel like I haven’t gone far. Other than Alberta and Idaho Falls, I have only been outside of Utah once this year, when we went on our family cruise to the Caribbean. It was really cool to go to Mexico and finally use the Spanish I had been studying for three semesters. Belize was really relaxing, just spending the day at an ecotourism spot with my parents and my baby nephew Carson. And in Honduras I went zip-lining with my siblings and my two older nephews. I’m not sure I could pick one of those ports as my favorite, but it was all definitely adventure!

Mexico! (August 2013)

Biggest Surprise of the Year

There isn’t one “surprise of the year” for me. Looking back to where I was a year ago, there is no comparison. A year ago, I was incredibly codependent. A year ago, I did not believe I could do my classes. A year ago, I wasn’t sure I was worth loving. Now, I have hope. I am beginning to learn what it means to love myself and truly care about myself.

My Voice(s) of Hope Shoot (September 2013)

Best TV Show/Movie You Watched

Easy answer. Doctor Who. I got introduced to it by my friend Josh at the beginning of the year and Garrett and I quickly took to it. Enough that we dressed up as two of the Doctors for Halloween and the Doctor Who 50^th Anniversary Special… And I’m looking for an excuse to dress up in my Doctor costume again. It’s a science fiction show, but I’ve also had some amazing insights from watching it about depression/suicide and about agency/emotions. It continues to inspire me and continues to give me hope.

Garrett and I as the Doctors for Halloween (October 2013)

Saddest Day/Time in 2013

This is the one where I get vulnerable I suppose. The moment I was lowest emotionally this year. Back in March, I had a day where I was more depressed than I can ever remember before. So low that I felt I was unworthy of suicide. That day I was blessed to feel support from many friends and it was then that I began working hard on my self-esteem to keep that from happening again.

Jordan River temple trip (July 2013)

Happiest Day/Time in 2013

In contrast to March, the past few months have been the best part of my year. I have felt more comfortable with myself and more okay with who I am. I still have a lot to work on, but the past few months have been the healthiest for me, I think. I am aware of many of my weaknesses, but I am willing to work on it. I will continue to work on it throughout the rest of my life.

Quidditch for Garrett's birthday (September 2013)

Best Book/Magazine You’ve Read

Of all the books I’ve read in the past year, the one that I enjoyed the most and the one that has changed me the most was “The Continuous Atonement” by Brad Wilcox. I read it earlier this year and it completely changed how I see the Atonement. Put simply: Life is not about me being perfect; it’s about me never giving up and about trusting that Christ can help me become a better man.

Things You Will Remember From the News

I’ll be honest. I don’t watch or read the news much at all. The only news clip I remember watching was after the Reconciling Faith and Feelings Conference in November. ABC did a short story on it, the purpose, and the success that they had.

Reconciling Faith and Feelings website

Favorite Talk in Church/Conference

My favorite conference talk this year would probably be Elder Holland’s talk about depression and other mental disorders in October. Having felt depressed, it felt nice to have that feeling validated. Though never diagnosed with depression, I have felt depressed. I also really loved Elder Bednar’s talk from April. It helped me understand the Law of Chastity a lot better and to appreciate more the great trust and gift that the Lord has given mankind.

Jeffrey R. Holland

What Would You Like to Do In 2014?

Well, I know one thing I want to do in 2014: I want to travel out east again. I was accepted for the Hill Cumorah Pageant a couple weeks ago, so I’ll be spending July 4-20 in Palmyra. Somewhere around that (either before or after Pageant) I’m going to visit Toronto again (I am not getting that close to my mission and not visiting people that I love). Besides that, I am going to keep working on my degree, learning what I need to in order to provide for my family. I am going to keep working on myself in therapy and related groups, so that regardless of what happens (marriage, singleness, or whatever) I can be happy. I am going to continue to learn what it means to be a missionary and a disciple of Christ.

Garrett and I at the Hill Cumorah (July 2012)
I'm going back!!!!

I'm Not Finished Yet

One year ago I "came out of the closet". For a while I've been thinking about what I could write about in honor of this one year anniversary. This is what I came up with...

This past month, I did my re-shoot for my Voices of Hope video. As I prepped, I had my trepidations. Was I ready? If not, when would I be? Wouldn't it be better to wait until I had a "happy ending" and I was able to film my video alongside a beautiful woman?

As I thought about how nice it would be to doing my video with my wife, I remembered something that Ty told me last year when I met him at my original Voices of Hope shoot in November. I hadn't been sure if said everything that I'd wanted to in my video. Ty mentioned to me that he'd had similar feelings after writing "In Quiet Desperation". When he had written that, he wasn't married. In fact, he still wasn't sure he'd ever get married. Now, years later he is married and he has two kids.

Even just since I came out last year, so much has happened. I filmed my Voices if Hope video in November, I moved to the Foreign Language Student Residence (FLSR) for a semester, I changed my major (again), I went to Journey into Manhood, and I did my re-shoot for my Voices of Hope video last month. I did all these things and I've done more too.

The great thing for me to realize is that there's more to come. I'm not finished yet. I have a lot to look forward to: marriage (whenever that happens), my own family, making more new friends, and learning more and more things in school (I've got 2.5 years left after all).

In fact, how sad would it be if I was "ready" for my video? At least by my former definition of "ready" (married, family, and completely perfect), that would make life kind of boring. I have so much to look forward to right now because I'm not finished yet.

There is always more good to come!

He Likes to Be Asked

This past week I finished up reading "The Chronicles of Narnia: The Magician's Nephew".  So spoiler alert to anyone who hasn't read this (though it's been out for quite a few years now).

I mark up my Narnia books at times when I find a certain part particularly spiritually insightful. This time, the part I marked was during Diggory, Polly, and Fledge's quest to get the apple that would grow into a tree to protect Narnia from the Witch.

Polly, Diggory, and Fledge stop for the night and they realize they didn't have anything to eat for dinner. And this is the exchange that happened:

            “Well I do think someone might have arranged about our meals,” said Diggory.

            “I’m sure Aslan would have, if you’d asked him,” said Fledge.

            “Wouldn’t he know without being asked?” said Polly.

            “I’ve no doubt he would,” said the Horse (still with his mouth full). “But I’ve a sort of idea he likes to be asked.”

For those familiar with Narnia, you know that Aslan is representative of Christ (and at times of God). Knowing the wisdom and the character of Aslan, I'm sure Fledge was right and Aslan would have known to provide the trio with food. However, I think Fledge was also right in his second comment: Aslan likes to be asked. And I believe God is the same way.

The scriptures say, "Your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him." (Matthew 6:8) And in the Bible Dictionary under prayer it says "The object of prayer is not to change the will of God but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant but that are made conditional on our asking for them."

Sometimes I think that's what I'm doing wrong. I'm not asking for what I need. And accordingly, maybe I'm being too vague. I'm beginning to believe more and more that the more specifically I ask for blessings the more specifically the Lord can bless me (I wonder if there's a quote on that).

I guess the preliminary part to that is to know specifically what I need. It's something I've been working on in my interpersonal relationships already. What do I need from a friend? When I'm upset and I talk to a friend, do I need to release frustration or do I need advice? If I need a listening ear and my friend starts spouting advice, I just get more frustrated. And sometimes it takes a lot of introspection for me to know what I really need.

The same thing applies with God. What do I need from Him? Maybe that's why prayer and meditation often go together. Meditation helps me know what I need and prayer enables me to ask. It takes practice, getting myself to understand and tune in with myself to know what I need. But I can see how it has helped me, so I keep working on it.

I know that as I focus on my prayers and my relationship with my Heavenly Father I tend to be happier; I have bad days but I feel more firm. The more connected I feel to my Heavenly Father, the less I am "carried about with every wind of doctrine" (Ephesians 4:14). When I have that connection, I feel safe and I feel loved, no matter what happens.

Like a Litter of Puppies

Taking a short break from my homework to reflect on my Voices of Hope shoot this past weekend.

So a little more about why they decided to re-do my shoot. From the word of the producer himself (Kerry Harding) apparently I looked depressed in my original shoot, like my “dog had just died”. Talking about hope and the Atonement, but looking depressed, they decided to have me re-do the video.

Fair enough, I figured. Actually, I was pretty excited. When Ty first mentioned to me that they wanted me to re-shoot my video, I was relieved. I did my original shoot in November and it was fine. I felt like I was in a good place and I think I was, after I’d come out and had such good responses to it. However, in the months that followed I felt like I fell apart emotionally in many ways. After all the work it took to get myself back together (including going to my Journey Into Manhood weekend), I had actually been thinking that I wished I could re-do my video, having learned so much in the months following my shoot.

I got my wish! And this past Sunday was GREAT! I got to the house where we were filming and I was nervous! I don’t really get nervous. Well, that’s a lie. I get nervous, but it never hits until a few hours before. At the earliest, I get nervous earlier the day of a big event. I was too busy being excited to be nervous about my shoot. It wasn’t until I was about an hour and a half away from the shoot that the anxiety hit and I was looking through my notes, sure that I would forget to say something that I wanted to. I felt like I was cramming for a test, even though the “test” was on my life. What did I need to study for?

Shortly before the shoot, I got a blessing from Garrett, who came to support me. As the shoot before mine ended, we hung out with some of the people who had been in the room for that shoot (including Kerry, Ty, and some of the crew). Finally the camera was ready for my shoot. They got me wired up with a microphone and into the chair. As I got going, telling my story to Ty (he was my point-man, the person I talked to, in order to give me somewhere to look), it just came. Things that I had intended to say came easily, things that I had hadn’t planned to say came up, and other things I had planned to say felt unimportant.

I got to testify of the Atonement, the love of God, and the purpose of the trials in my life. At one point I think I started crying. I felt the Spirit testify of what I was doing. A lot of my story had to do more with my mission than with my SSA, but it was all told anyway. Afterwards, Kerry Harding, in contrast to what he’d said about my last shoot, said that this one seemed more like my dog “had had a litter of puppies” (for the record, I don’t have a dog, but I decided not to tell Kerry that).

I’m very excited for it to be released, but as it was just recorded, it’ll be a while. I don’t know how long, but in the meantime there are plenty of other videos already released for me to watch, re-watch, and draw strength from. As such, my next post will probably be another Voices of Hope post (since I haven’t done one in a while). Until then, whoever you are, reader, I want you to know that you are infinitely loved of God and no matter what you do that will never change.