Why Do I Do This?

Why do I do this? Why do I do what I do? Why do I go to church? Why do I do my home teaching? Why do I pay my tithing? Why do I keep the Law of Chastity?

This semester I am blessed to be in a families in world religions class. This week we had a guest speaker talked about Protestantism. Now I listen to a lot of Christian radio (kLOVE is always preset on my car radio) but something he said really struck me.

I knew from growing up around evangelicals that most Christian religions outside Mormonism and Catholicism don't prioritize baptism or works. In fact I was used to hearing those black baptist stereotypes from mission stories praising God because they were saved. I've definitely been one to get lost in the faith vs. works argument and being a perfectionist a lot of that argument was between me and myself in my head.

Thankfully I'm not much of a perfectionist anymore (though I still have my moments). However, as the guest speaker was talking I had a lot of perfectionist friends in mind as he talked about grace. He presented the faith and works scenario in a way that I'd never thought of before. He pointed out that Catholicism (and I'd add many people in Mormonism) view grave and works like this: Faith + good works = salvation. I liked his take on it though: Faith = salvation + good works. He even referenced King Benjamin's people as evidence of this  (having grown up with an LDS best friend and now living in Utah he knows a bit about Mormonism).

I talked to him after the lecture and I have to agree! Why am I doing what I'm doing? Am I doing it to be saved? If so, why? The Savior has already paid the price for my sins and the scriptures say that it's through His merits that I'm saved. What do any of these "good works" matter?

They matter because I love God. How would my life be different if the reason I kept the commandments and did everything I'm "supposed to do" was because I love God?

A year ago I was in a bad place spiritually. I was wrapped up in a thick blanket of insecurity and addiction. Want to know what pulled me out? It was because I finally let God in. I stopped trying to do it and I let Him take control.

Back to the guest speaker, what's my motivation? We talk in the church about "enduring to the end". The guest speaker noted the miserable connotation surrounding that. How many times have I heard members of the church upset because they feel they HAVE to live the gospel or they HAVE to go to church. The people I know who live like this... Miserable.

How would my life be different if I wanted to do all these things? If I want to go to the temple, it's a joy, not a chore. If I want to live the commandments (because I love God enough to trust in His methods), I will find joy in my life, instead of feeling restricted or oppressed.

Living the gospel will never be a chore again if I can keep the love of God in focus. I know why I do what I do. I don't HAVE to keep the commandments, I GET to live the way my Heavenly Father knows will bring me happiness.

To My Friends Who Cannot Take the Sacrament

At times as I pass the sacrament, I notice that some individuals opt not to partake. I remember as a youth with a pornography addiction that I was scared of someone seeing that I wouldn't take the sacrament. What would they think? Surely they'd judge me, right? Certainly word could get around the whole ward that I was a horrid sinner who had gotten himself in deep enough in sin that he wasn't to take the sacrament. These thoughts did not come from God. They came from the adversary, trying to persuade me to continue in self-hate, which only drove me further into addiction.

I've learned a lot about the sacrament (and particularly not partaking of it) since high school when my addiction has flared up anew. If I do not take the sacrament because of a relapse, it's not because the Lord wants me to feel worthless. It's because He loves me and wants me to be free of condemnation.

Where I am now, understanding the sacrament as I now understand it, I know that this "restriction" from taking the sacrament is a step of the repentance process. It's an expression of His love for you as His child.

To my friends who are unable to partake of the sacrament: God loves you. You matter to Him. If I see you unable to partake of the sacrament, my first instinct is to pray for you. You are worthy of God's love and I pray that you are able to feel that and that you are soon able to partake of the sacrament again. Keep coming to church! Don't give up! My friend, I love you. If you feel discouraged, remember that you have at least one friend praying for you.

2014: Year in Review

I’m a bit behind, but it’s time to do the 2014 year in review. I’ve done it on my blog for the past two years. Before that it was a family tradition to keep record of the highlights of the year.

Neatest Place You were in 2014

My favorite place that I was this past year was the Hill Cumorah Pageant. Pageant was an amazing spiritual experience and I made some amazing friends. Being back where I first felt like I found myself in 2009 helped strengthen my testimony. I made amazing friends who I still love to keep in touch with. Since getting home they have been some of my greatest supports in my trying times.

Mom and Dad came to see Pageant a couple of the nights

Biggest Surprise of the Year

My biggest surprise of the year (or at least one of them) was probably while I was at Disneyland. I’ve always loved the character Dug from Up. I was at Disneyland with David and as we were walking through California Adventure we found out there was an opportunity for a meet and greet with Dug. I had heard about that happening at Disney World, but I didn’t know he was in California Adventure as well. So I was able to give that big fluffy loving puppy a big hug! SQUIRREL!

"I have just met you and I love you."

Best TV Show/Movie You Watched

The best movie I watched this year was The Lego Movie. Super fun and it spoke to my inner child. Not only that but every time I watch it I get such a self-esteem boost! I am important because I am me and I can change the world just by doing that. Most simply put, I am the special! One of my favorite exchanges in the movie is between Emmett and Vitruvius when Emmett finds out that he is not really the Special but it’s up to him to become the hero anyway. He says to ghost Vitruvius, “how could I just decide to believe that I'm special when I'm not?” Vitruvius replies, “Because the world depends on it.” My world depends on me choosing to believe I’m special and that decision can change the world.

Garrett and Sara dressed as Emmett and Wildstyle for Halloween

Saddest Day/Time in 2014

I went through a bit of a hard time during the end of the year. School is tiring and life is stressful, self-esteem can be hard to maintain. Basically it’s life. I am grateful for the Lord and His grace to help me get to where I am now and that I don’t always have to feel like that. Particularly November was hard. I won’t go into personal details, but I went through some stuff trying to figure out who I am. Though it was a dark and gloomy place, I am grateful that the Lord was able to teach me and that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I don’t have to stay there forever.

Happiest Day/Time in 2014

With such great adventures this year it’s hard to pick one happiest time. One of my happiest moments was being in the Sacred Grove again while I was in Pageant. I got the opportunity to walk through the grove, praying, reading, and recording my thoughts. I wrote my testimony while I was there and I am grateful for the Spirit I was able to feel while I was there in the sacred, hallowed wood.

(Thank you Emily for taking this picture)

Best Book/Magazine You’ve Read

I’m not sure if I read any new books this year. However, I did re-read “The Brothers” by Christ Stewart this summer and then I listened to it again while I was on my trip to California with David. This book has helped me feel of my Savior’s love. I’m not saying the book is doctrine, but some of the parts of the book involving Jehovah or the Father talking to the children have been amazing in helping me feel of their love and support for me in my journey. One of my favorite parts is near the end of the book; The Father tells His children that though they will be leaving for Earth soon and they will forget their lives with Him, He will send them reminders of His love: a mother’s kiss, a father’s blessing, words of the prophets, etc. I am grateful to have these things in my life to remind me of how much my Father loves me.

I love forward to this hug

Things You Will Remember From the News

The biggest thing I remember from the news this year is the death of Robin Williams. I grew up watching Aladdin and Mrs. Doubtfire and I remember watching Dead Poet Society in high school. Hearing that he had committed suicide was a surprise to me. It was a reminder to me that depression doesn’t discriminate. In addition, I find it amazing and admirable that though he was hurting on the inside, he still made it his purpose in life to help others laugh. That being said, I’d like to state the fact that suicide is preventable. I went to a suicide prevention training this fall for my internship and that’s one thing I came away from it with: Depression is treatable and suicide is preventable. If you are struggling with depression and/or suicide ideation, please get help. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline for help at any time if you’re struggling: 1 (800) 273-8255. Please don’t give up.

RIP Robin Williams

Favorite Talk in Church/Conference

I don’t know if it was my favorite, but he is definitely my favorite speaker. This past April, Elder Holland talked about standing up for our faith. It may not be popular (it rarely is) and it may not be easy (I’d say it never is), but because we are followers of Jesus Christ, it’s something we must do. Though others may tear the church down, we have to stand strong in our standards and fight against the adversary. We need to love our brothers and sisters, despite persecution we may receive. We are the people of Christ and we need to show it.

What Would You Like to Do In 2015?

2015 has the making of a crazy adventure for me. I’ve been accepted to a study abroad in Spain this spring term (May and June) and then I’m hoping to be an EFY counselor for the rest of the summer. In addition to all of that, this fall I start my final year of my undergraduate degree. Also, if all goes well with my seminary teacher training class this semester, I’ll be teaching seminary this fall. The only thing for sure is that I will be going to Spain. Everything else I’d love to do, that’s in the Lord’s hands and as I surrender my will to Him, I know He can make more out of my life than I ever could.

¡Estoy animado para ir a ese templo en Madrid!

Alright, that’s my year in review for 2014. Hopefully yours was good too. I’m looking forward to another great year of testimony building, growth, and adventures. It may not be easy, but I think it can always be miraculous if we let it (remind me of that the next time I start stressing).

I See His Hand

For the anniversary of the Voices of Hope project, I want to share something somewhat unrelated. Something I’ve been thinking about since Sunday.

In the Book of Mormon, Alma says that “all things denote there is a God; yea, even the earth, and all things that are upon the face of it, yea, and its motion, yea, and also all the planets which move in their regular form do witness that there is a Supreme Creator” (Alma 30:44). I’ve been thinking about what things “witness that there is a Supreme Creator” in my life, so here’s a little bit of a quick list.

1.      I see His hand in every picture I see my sister-in-law post of my nephew Carson. The little boy has an adorable innocent smile.

2.      I see His hand in every video I see of my “niece” Rachel, either posted on Facebook by her mother or sent to me by her grandma. This adorable 20-month-old always makes me smile.

3.      I see His hand when I hear just the right song at just the right time. I have a Christian radio station (kLove) favorited in my car and sometimes I’ll turn the car on and a song comes on to bless me in just the way I need.

4.      I see His hand when I see the numbers 4-4-4 together on a license plate, in a phone number, or wherever. Like I’ve said before, the triple-4 reminds me of serving with Elder Call and how it reminded him of his favorite scripture Alma 44:4. Now these numbers remind me of that scripture, that great missionary I had the honor to serve with, and the scripture that gives me strength to warrior on and keep going.

5.      I see His hand in a rainy day. I remember being on bikes on my mission with Elder Call and just how excited he was when it was rainy and stormy. Especially on those summer days in Toronto when it was really warm, I enjoyed the rain too.

6.      I see His hand in the welcoming arms of my friends. I am blessed to know some of the most Christ-like people and I am learning not to question why they would want to be friends with someone as ordinary and flawed as me. Regardless, every warm hug, every loving text, and every Christ-like act of love shows me that I am not alone and that God has answered the prayers that I prayed for years as a teenager, that I would finally have friends.

7.     I see His hand in the progress I’ve made emotionally over the past year or so. I look back at the person I was a year ago or two years ago and I feel such empathy for the young man who thought he’d never be capable of being happy. I have my stormy days still, but in them I try to hold onto the memory of all the good.

8.      I see His hand in the Voices of Hope Project. Sometimes I’ll be having a difficult day and a new video will come out that day and what is said is exactly what I need (on that note remember to like their page on Facebook).

I am grateful for the knowledge I have of a loving Heavenly Father. I am grateful for His love which helps me grow. I am grateful for the many blessings He has given me. I am grateful to know that He can help me in my life in whatever I am doing. I know He loves me.

In the comments, I’d love to hear how you see His hand in your life.

Like a Litter of Puppies

Taking a short break from my homework to reflect on my Voices of Hope shoot this past weekend.

So a little more about why they decided to re-do my shoot. From the word of the producer himself (Kerry Harding) apparently I looked depressed in my original shoot, like my “dog had just died”. Talking about hope and the Atonement, but looking depressed, they decided to have me re-do the video.

Fair enough, I figured. Actually, I was pretty excited. When Ty first mentioned to me that they wanted me to re-shoot my video, I was relieved. I did my original shoot in November and it was fine. I felt like I was in a good place and I think I was, after I’d come out and had such good responses to it. However, in the months that followed I felt like I fell apart emotionally in many ways. After all the work it took to get myself back together (including going to my Journey Into Manhood weekend), I had actually been thinking that I wished I could re-do my video, having learned so much in the months following my shoot.

I got my wish! And this past Sunday was GREAT! I got to the house where we were filming and I was nervous! I don’t really get nervous. Well, that’s a lie. I get nervous, but it never hits until a few hours before. At the earliest, I get nervous earlier the day of a big event. I was too busy being excited to be nervous about my shoot. It wasn’t until I was about an hour and a half away from the shoot that the anxiety hit and I was looking through my notes, sure that I would forget to say something that I wanted to. I felt like I was cramming for a test, even though the “test” was on my life. What did I need to study for?

Shortly before the shoot, I got a blessing from Garrett, who came to support me. As the shoot before mine ended, we hung out with some of the people who had been in the room for that shoot (including Kerry, Ty, and some of the crew). Finally the camera was ready for my shoot. They got me wired up with a microphone and into the chair. As I got going, telling my story to Ty (he was my point-man, the person I talked to, in order to give me somewhere to look), it just came. Things that I had intended to say came easily, things that I had hadn’t planned to say came up, and other things I had planned to say felt unimportant.

I got to testify of the Atonement, the love of God, and the purpose of the trials in my life. At one point I think I started crying. I felt the Spirit testify of what I was doing. A lot of my story had to do more with my mission than with my SSA, but it was all told anyway. Afterwards, Kerry Harding, in contrast to what he’d said about my last shoot, said that this one seemed more like my dog “had had a litter of puppies” (for the record, I don’t have a dog, but I decided not to tell Kerry that).

I’m very excited for it to be released, but as it was just recorded, it’ll be a while. I don’t know how long, but in the meantime there are plenty of other videos already released for me to watch, re-watch, and draw strength from. As such, my next post will probably be another Voices of Hope post (since I haven’t done one in a while). Until then, whoever you are, reader, I want you to know that you are infinitely loved of God and no matter what you do that will never change.

Celebrity Guest Post #4

*I know many of my non-christian friends might be very confused by how Christians view homosexuality. I wrote this post to a primarily mormon audience and did not defend or address the "why" of our opposition to homosexual marriage or intimacy. If you have any questions, facebook me or email me at ianbaen@gmail.com.*

A few months ago, I told my father that every Friday night I attended a support group for Latter-day saints who experience same gender attraction (SGA). Now, I do attend the group, but I don't experience SGA. I just wanted to see what he would say (and in case your curious, he did handle it very well).

I met Spencer on the last night of our missionary service in Ontario, and have kept in touch since. In August, Spencer told me about his SGA  and, in September, he asked if I would become an advisor to the group I referred to above. These meetings quickly became the most educational and enlightening part of my week.

The group is not affiliated with the church, but the group is founded upon church teachings. It is a place for LDS with SGA who want to live church standards to come and support one another. The role of an advisor is to make sure that the content of the meeting is inline with church doctrine and that inappropriate relationships do not form within group membership. Meetings start with a hymn, prayer, and a lesson. The final hour to hour and a half is reserved for sharing time. Sharing time is time allotted for members of the group to share whatever they want to share. I have heard experiences about everything from pornography addiction, familial abuse, suicide, depression, and intense feelings of lack of self-worth to stories of healing, self-acceptance, deep familial love, and incredible spiritual experiences.

I will share only three of the lessons and stories that highlighted my experience at the group. I choose to share only a small portion of what I could because I can't imagine anyone has a great attention span for the quality of writing a computer science major produces. Oh, and also I told Spencer that I would have this done in February.

No Greater Struggle.
I'm not sure I personally know of a greater struggle than to be a lifelong active mormon and be gay. A short story told by a member of the group illustrated that to me. Gavin (obviously not his real name) told us of the moment when he felt his mother came to understand some of his struggle. One day, he and his mother were in the kitchen talking. His mother mentioned that she never understood how people could call living the gospel a "sacrifice", because every time that a person does something good they are blessed. Gavin then broke into tears and said, "Mom, because of my belief in this gospel, I am going to have to be alone for the rest of my life." I wish I could adequately communicate that moment.

I am not going to try to expand further why this is such an immense trial, but instead challenge you to take a second and ask yourself, "What would that life be like?"

To The Core.
Many of difficulties discussed in the group are far from unique to gay Latter-day Saints. Many in the group fight an extreme lack of self-confidence and lack of self-worth. Your immediate thought to that statement was probably, "That is because their entire lives they have been told that homosexuality is weird, strange, or wrong. They, therefore, deep down think that they are weird, strange, or wrong." I think there is a lot more to it than that; I unfortunately just don't know what.

I wish I could give everyone in that group (and everyone else for that matter) a deep sense of their value. I love the members of that group so much. I wish they could see their own strength, humility, and how amazing they are. They motivate me to be better and to really find happiness in life (the church pounds into our heads that marriage is the source of ultimate mortal happiness, as I think it is. But having to contemplate with them a life without marriage, I have asked myself regularly "Who would I have to be to find deep long-term happiness without marriage?" When I consider that question with a sense of reality, I don't know if I have a good answer). The group has taught me that I can't be really happy until I love myself.

God 
If anyone ever tells you that God doesn't love homosexuals, politely tell them they are absolutely wrong (I had a harsher rebuke, involving words such as "inbred", but my proof reader/dad recommended I not be so mean).

I have only guesses to why such powerful homosexual feelings exist, and yet acting on them is considered sinful. I do not know why God picked certain spirits for certain bodies and trials.

But this I do know, God loves them so much. I have heard their spiritual experiences and have profoundly felt the spirit as they have shared their struggles. In their struggles, God has far from abandoned them.

Knowest thou the condescension of God?
I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.

What I'd Tell Her

It’s really been six months? It’s hard to believe that six months ago I put myself out there, wrote that initial blog post about my sexuality, and shared it on Facebook. I wanted to do something special for my six-month post and it finally came to me as I was on the way back from a North Star guys’ night last weekend.

While driving back with David and another North Star friend, I was reminded of an experience I had while I was still in Toronto… in the very late night of August 20 or the very early morning of August 21, 2010, I told Elder Call about my SSA. In the evening of August 21 I think it was, this experience happened: some members from the Heart Lake ward asked us to take some clothes to the thrift store for them, so we did. As we were dropping them off, Elder Call started talking to the girl that we gave them too. As he started talk to this girl about God, she responded by telling us that she hated God, because He’d made her gay.

With my coming out experience so fresh in my mind, having happened less than 24 hours before, I was emotionally vulnerable and I really felt for this girl who felt betrayed and abandoned by God. I wanted to be able to tell her that I knew how she felt. I wanted to be able to assure her of God’s love for her… but being so early on my own journey, I didn’t know what to say and I didn’t have the emotional stamina to be completely authentic with her either.

Looking back on the experience recently, I took myself back in my mind… If I could go back to that day at that thrift store with the assurance I have now and with the things I have learned and experienced in the past (almost) three years, what would I tell her? This list is only a beginning of the things I’ve learned and experienced… but this is what I’d like to tell her (and I’m going to write it as though I’m talking to her).

• “God loves you! You don’t have to stop being attracted to other women to earn His love. He loves you now as you are. He longs for you to follow Him, but no matter what you feel or what you do, He will always love you.”
• “Being attracted to women does NOT mean that God hates you or that He has abandoned you. He gave you this experience because He loves you.”
• “You might feel abandoned at times… and at times I feel like I’m abandoned for days or weeks on end… but He will never abandon you.”
• “Sometimes it’s easy to feel anger toward God because of the trials that we have, and at times SSA is a beast of a trial, but like any trial, it can bring you closer to God.”
• “The Atonement of Jesus Christ can help you! Though it may not take the SSA away at once or ever in this life, you can find comfort and peace through it.”
• “You can be happy. No matter what trials you have in life, you can be happy. Whether you like being gay or not, you can be happy. Happiness is a choice. It may be a hard choice to make, but it’s a choice.”
• “If you let it, your attractions to other women can refine you and turn you into someone even stronger, more loving, and more capable in life.”

There is probably so much more I could say. I have learned a lot since that day (August 21, 2010) about what my SSA means and what it doesn’t mean. I’ve learned a lot about what it means to love myself and to love others. I’ve learned a lot, but I’m also still learning. I’m not expert, but I’m not sure such a thing exists. Instead, I’m a disciple, wanting to testify to the world about the love that I know I have felt from God, even if it’s hard for me to let in sometimes.

Sometimes it’s very abstract thing to say, but I honestly do believe the phrase that I like to end my posts with and that is the final thing I want to add to my list: “Through the infinite Atonement of Jesus Christ, it gets better… even more so, you can be better.”

CTM Reunion Fears

The day before conference I had the amazing opportunity to go up to Bountiful for my second annual mission reunion. I’m always excited to see companions (all two of them), missionaries I served around, my mission president, and his wife. However, both years I’ve also had fear. Not fear of how I’d be seen, since hardly anyone there knew me. In fact… that’s the fear I had, not being known. Being lonely. A fear that carries over into other parts of my life as well.

Fortunately, that fear was not realized at the reunion.

First, before I tell you about that fear, let me tell you about our celebrity guest: Elder M. Russell Ballard. Yup. We had an apostle at our reunion. Why? Well one reason is that he loves Toronto missionaries. And the other reason is that his daughter was our mission mom (mission president’s wife). Just a few of my notes from what Elder Ballard said to us, which would apply to any of us, no matter where or if you served: (1) We have to stand up for what’s right, even if it’s not culturally acceptable. (2) Who are you? And do you really know that? (3) John 15:13… He has called you His friend—D&C 93:45. (4) The Lord has chosen you and who are YOU to doubt Him? (5) If He were here tonight, He would call you His friend. (6) The apostles pray for you each week. (7) Nothing is as important as your testimony of the Savior.

Now for some notes from what my mission mom said… I don’t remember if she actually said this or if I just had this impression, but this is what I wrote down: “Your work was not wasted. You were not a waste in the Toronto Mission.” She was speaking of when she’d been able to speak to a group of Toronto missionaries at her father’s mission reunion and was able to tell them of how the church as grown since they were there, decades ago. However, I was also reminded of the few lives that I was able to touch while I was there.

Now words from my hero… President Brower: Continue to study Preach My Gospel. Be a Latter-day Saint; don’t just do Latter-day Saint things. Continually repent; so what if you slip up? Get up, remember where you’re going, and move on. EVERY righteous thing you do is an opportunity to be sanctified. Stay converted and PROVE it!

Instead of feeling fear and loneliness, I was fed spiritually by a member of the Quorum of the Twelve and my mission president and his wife. Besides, that it was just amazing to be there with a house full of missionaries that love Ontario just like I do. I was able to see Elder Call, my beloved trainer and the first person I could confide ANYTHING in—and he was my brother. And that was only the beginning. I was able to see so many signs of my Father’s love, just like my stars, giving me hope and peace.

A tender moment came to me when I was able to talk to Elder Olmstead, the missionary who took my place after I left Heart Lake, about the investigators that I had left with him. It was the first time I’d spoken to Elder Olmstead, other than a brief phone call just before I got to the airport on September 15, 2010. I thanked him for getting Tek and Fuman ready for baptism. I thanked him for helping Dale get the rest of the way into the fold of God. This missionary who I barely knew took care of the people I love dearly when I was broken and forced to return home.

I was also blessed to talk to one of my old zone leaders, Elder McKee. A couple weeks before, I’d briefly seen him on campus during my intense episode of depression. I was with David at the time and not in the emotional state to chat, so I very briefly waved and walked on by. He remembered that day though at the reunion. The kind spirit that he is, he made sure that I was doing okay, because he’d seen the despair on my face.

In addition to Elder Olmstead, I was also privileged to meet Elder Rumsey, the missionary that Elder Call had trained after me and Elder Olmstead. These two men would be my “brothers” in mission slang (“father” and “son” would be “trainer” and “greenie”). Somehow just the common bond I felt with them, having both served and strived with Elder Call just like I had tried my best to do. This “family reunion” hit somewhere special in my heart.

Somehow I ended up meeting a missionary there who had come home early, like me. He’d had similar fears of feeling alone and lonely. The commonality I felt with that missionary and his desire to do what is right, despite how hard it is coming home early (and it could have been SO easy to have left the church after I came home), was inspiring. Similar to my experiences with SSA, my experiences with other missionaries who have come home early has been a way of being able to find support. They understand the pain I feel when people say “Oh, you did what the Lord required” or “You’re still an RM”. They understand the pains I feel when I wonder if it would have been better for me not to go in the first place. This support system is invaluable to me.

Finally my brief one-on-one talk with President Brower… the things he said to me are too sacred to share, but I know I am so blessed to have had a mission president who cares about me, even now, over 2.5 years later. I love him and I am grateful for all he continues to do for me.

To close, I just want to close with 1 John 4:18: Perfect love (like my mission president and those missionaries showed to me) casteth out fear. And the ultimate source of that love is the Savior, Jesus Christ.

Amen.

Conference April 2013

Just a summary of things I learned or felt during General Conference April 2013 (NOTE: I may not include much or anything from some of the Seventies’ talks). My favorite talks have two asterisks (**) before the speaker's name and the link is provided to the talk.

Saturday Morning:

Boyd K. Packer – Do what you can to keep your home safe from the adversary. Learn about the Gift of the Holy Ghost and the Atonement. Do not hate the sinner. You cannot choose the consequences to your choices. The world cannot change the laws of God.

Dean M. Davies – Helaman 5:12. Prepare for the “natural disasters” of life. You wouldn’t knowingly build your house on a false foundation.

Elaine S. Dalton – In a demoralizing world, we need people who will stand as witnesses of God at all times.

**Craig A. Cardon – He WANTS to forgive you. You don’t need to be perfect all at once. Be willing to forgive yourself. He understands that you have weaknesses.

M. Russell Ballard – A family needs a husband AND a wife. Don’t forget to do the things that keep a testimony going. If you feel your testimony is less than it should be, then turn to the Savior and look for His living water.

Henry B. Eyring – The Savior wants to be your Friend. Remember and hang onto the times you’ve felt close to the Savior. Pray for those who are astray.

Saturday Afternoon:

**Richard G. Scott – Each of us need a place of refuge. Christ is the source of peace. Good habits lead to good circumstances. What if you referred to the scriptures as often as you sent a text? Love the good attributes of those who are astray. We become like Him one step at a time.

Quentin L. Cook – You can find peace in the storm. D&C 121:7-8. To believe in God is to believe that all the rules are fair. True peace ONLY comes from the Savior.

Stanley G. Ellis – God has shown us how to live. There is an authorized WAY and TIME to express love. Ask where the Lord needs you, not what you need.

David A. Bednar – The Law of Chastity can only be understood in terms of the Plan of Salvation. Both men and women are needed for the Plan of Salvation.

Russell M. Nelson – Our living God is a loving God. You have a purpose here on the Earth. You have the tools to accomplish that mission.

Priesthood Session:

Robert D. Hales – The church will remain constant, no matter where the world moves. We are not authorized to negotiate the Plan of Salvation. Sometimes we must take the heat for the truth. Nehemiah 6:3. You can withstand persecution by standing with Christ.

Tad R. Callister – Increased vision leads to increased motivation. If you want revelation, do your homework. What can you do to prepare your sons to be missionaries?

David L. Beck – Help those around you feel loved. Mocking and teasing have NO place among the saints.

**Dieter F. Uchtdorf – Satan would like to define you by your sins and your weaknesses. We are faltering toddlers, but He loves us anyways. He is not seeking to punish us. Imperfection is not an excuse not to grow. The church was not made for perfect people. The Atonement is not meant to make us the same. We are to be united in our testimonies, but we are all different. You are not overlooked or unwanted by your Father. You are needed in the church. “You are important. You are loved. You are needed.”

Henry B. Eyring – You can expect the Lord to provide a path for you. Your priesthood duties are there to sanctify you.

Thomas S. Monson – Study the scriptures with diligence! Plan your life with purpose! Teach the truth with testimony! Serve the Lord with love! Have you increased in Christ-like attributes today?

Sunday Morning:

**Dieter F. Uchtdorf – Darkness exists, but you don’t have to dwell there. Healing comes when we move away from the darkness and move toward the light. The perfect place to start is where you are RIGHT NOW. The darkness will fade because it cannot exist in the presence of light.

Neil L. Anderson – No force in the world can stop the work of God.

L. Whitney Clayson – The commandments are not a buffet. Do all you can to prepare for marriage!

L. Tom Perry – Agency is the greatest gift we have from God. The commandments are being disregarded by the world. The family is deteriorating. As we give up fidelity in marriage, we destroy society. Sin will ALWAYS be sin.

Thomas S. Monson – You can play with fire, but you can’t control where it spreads or how fast it burns. The great test of this life is obedience.

Sunday Afternoon:

**Jeffrey R. Holland – Mark 9:24. When facing the challenge of faith, the father asserts his strength first. REMEMBER YOUR STRENGTH before looking at your weakness. When problems come and questions arise, do not start your quest for faith by acknowledging what you lack faith in. Ask questions if you need to. Questions are NOT a sin. Be kind regarding human frailty, your own frailty and those around you. God has ALWAYS dealt with imperfect people. You need never apology for “only believing”. Mark 5:36.

Dallin H. Oaks – John 15:19. You are to follow the Savior at ALL TIMES. Pray for guidance. Love your enemies. Forgive those who hurt you.

Enrique Falabella – Anything less than a temple marriage has an expiration date. Show love and affection for those that you love!

D. Todd Christofferson – The Atonement pays the debt that justice owes to us.

444

While I was serving in Toronto, Elder Call (my trainer) had this little quirk (well, he had more than this one, but this was one of them). Randomly (or so it seemed) he would get overly excited and ask to borrow my camera (he tended to lose his) to take a picture of something (a license plate, a mail box, etc). I was completely confused as to what he was doing for quite a while. I think we were into our second transfer together before I learned what it was. There was something each of those license plates, mail boxes, and whatever else had in common: 444.

One of Elder Call’s favorite scriptures is Alma 44:4 (444): “Now ye see that this is the true faith of God; yea, ye see that God will support, and keep, and preserve us, so long as we are faithful unto him, and unto our faith, and our religion; and never will the Lord suffer that we shall be destroyed except we should fall into transgression and deny our faith.” A little background on this scripture: Moroni and his army are fighting Zerahemnah and they finally have him cornered. Moroni, not being one who enjoyed killing, pleaded with Zerahemnah to surrender. However, Zerahemnah would not give up; even if they left then, Zerehemnah told Moroni that they would return and that was not good enough for Moroni. In their argument, Moroni bore his testimony of the power of God in helping them to overpower Zerahemnah (hence verse 4) and in the end Moroni’s army did force Zerahemnah’s army into a surrender.

I remember one day that Elder Call and I were tracting, knocking doors. Something someone on the street had said had set him off (which was not easy) and he was left in a bad mood. I remember feeling like I should tell him that I had a good feeling about that street. As it turned out, we got no new contacts from that street, no appointments, and no outward success. However, by the time we were done, Elder Call was more cheerful. On our way back to our car, he pointed out a van to me that had 444 in its license plate. That little three-digit number was his “sign” that God was watching over him and that God loved him.

I was reminded of that day a couple weeks ago. I had a bad episode of depression and ended up spending the majority of the day with my friend David. I remember a question that David posed to me that day and it reminded me of this: How does God show you He loves you? For David, it was through rain. When it rained, he was reminded that God loved him. For Elder Call, it was 444. Whenever he saw a price tag or a mailbox with a 444 on it, it was a reminder that God was caring for him. I’ve thought about that question: What “sign” does God use with me to show me He loves me? Not as “proof” per se, but as a reminder on a bad day.

I’m still thinking on it and I’m still not exactly sure. One that I’ve thought of is stars. I can’t fully explain why, but it has to do with a passage in a book called “The Brothers” by Chris Stewart. The book takes place in the pre-mortal life and the passage I’m referring to is near the end. The Father is talking to four of His children shortly before they are born. Naturally, these four have some fears about going to Earth and remembering nothing of Him or their lives before. One of the instructions He gives them is, on clear summer nights, to look at the sky and notice the stars and the moon. He tells them that as they do that they will remember, somewhere deep in their spirits, that they are part of an eternal family and an eternal plan.

I was reading this book back in the fall of 2010, just after I’d come home from Toronto. I felt lonely and confused. I was in a new ward in Provo and my best friends were scattered literally around the country and the world. I read this passage about the stars and the moon while in the Rec Room and then, as it was getting late, I decided to head slowly back toward my apartment. Outside, I took a moment to ponder this passage and I looked up at the sky. It was cloudy and I couldn’t see any stars. I said a silent prayer asking for the Lord to show me just one star. Just one sign of His love. As I petitioned Him, I saw the clouds part just slightly. Just enough for me to see one shimmering star in the darkness. One little light that said, “I love you, Spencer.”

Two and a half years later, I’ll sometimes be out at night after a bad day. I’ll look up at the sky and see maybe only a couple stars… but enough to remind me that there is a bigger plan than what I can currently see. And Someone up there loves me.

PS: I finished this post at 4:44 PM and those who know me know that I don’t believe in coincidence.

PPS: What is your "sign" of God's love for you?

God Loveth His Children

“God Loveth His Children” is a pamphlet produced by the church for those who experience same-sex attraction. It’s not very in depth on the issue, but it has its merits. This small blue booklet is special to me because it was the first SSA resource I ever had. When I was in Toronto, shortly after I told Elder Call about my SSA, we got copies of this pamphlet from the mission office (I was too scared to be seen by the Rattos or the Sippels (the office missionary couples) with them, so Elder Call grabbed them. We spent a companionship study or two reading it and learning from it, as it was new to both of us.

The pamphlet has five sections: “Your Identity and Your Potential”, “The Plan of Happiness”, “Self-Mastery”, “Filling Your Life with Goodness”, and “Go Forward”. The title itself come from a scripture in the Book of Mormon, where Nephi admits that he doesn’t know everything, but the one thing he does know is that God loves His children. That’s the thing here: we don’t know everything about homosexuality. We don’t know to what degree a person is “born gay” or to what degree a person develops these feelings (Side tangent: My opinion is that it’s a mixture of both nature and nurture). Causes aside, I love that this pamphlet emphasizes right from the beginning the one thing we know for certain: God loves us. God loves all of us. God loves those who live a heterosexual life. God loves those who live a celibate life. And God loves those who live a homosexual life.

I won’t outline everything in the pamphlet here (you can click this link here for that) but I think the biggest thing for those of us who do experience SSA and those who do not, we could all do better at loving as God loves. Yes, He has given us commandments. But no, he doesn’t hate us when we disobey them. Like with the woman taken in adultery, Christ didn’t condemn her. He showed her love instead.

I think that more than anything is what the church wanted to get across with their new website. “God Loveth His Children” was released in 2007. The website was released in 2012. Yet both resources carry a similar theme. It’s not teaching us the causes of homosexuality. It’s not teaching us the way to “fix” it. It’s teaching us to love, because that’s how God deals with it. He loves. Even if people don’t live the way we think they should, we need to love. I’ll admit, I’m not good at this sometimes, but this is my goal, to understand and to love better. And to help it get better in the church for those with SSA and those who deal with addiction and those who deal with any affliction. As was said in “Voice(s) of Hope”, “the community that ultimately shows the most love will be the one that wins the hearts of the men and women dealing with this issue.”

PS: Speaking of Voice(s) of Hope, check this link out. The first of the videos have been released. Look forward to me doing a post about it soon!