"What do you need to tell me, Spencer?" (by Garrett)

Earlier that night... (in Niagara Falls, Ontario)

That’s what I said, and how he came out to me, a year ago today.

In one day I realized that social issues aren’t simply articles read or watched online; they are the stories and struggles of people you know and care about.

A year of knowing is a year of affirming Christ’s universal Atonement and universal blessings.

A year of knowing is a year of seeing how vague, general statements almost never fit with individual people, especially when those people cross two very contradictory stereotypes. What a tragedy to make a multi-dimensional person into a 2-D object.

A year of knowing is a year of being thanked and admired by strangers from Spencer's support groups. On one hand I appreciated all the thanks, but on the other, it sobered me. Their tone of voice indicated again and again that this was the first time they had seen someone simply be a straight friend.

A friend is the most powerful ordinary thing. 

In that year I made new friends, and kept old ones, and performed the balancing act that young, inexperienced, college guys perform. I worked 8 hours a day when I wasn’t in school, went on dates, read books, looked up funny cat pictures on the Internet, and had fun with my best friend who has same-sex attraction.

I attended firesides and made other friends in similar situations to Spencer's. I heard their stories and read how they lived faithfully to the covenants they made in the Church. And I learned lessons from those firesides good enough to put in my journal, such as the following:

When we let our bias do the talking, we end up “classifying” others, and in effect we put a gag on their voice before they even can speak up for themselves. We should instead let them own themselves, and let them liberate themselves from the chains of skewed thinking.

Out of all the roles we will play, a friend is one of the most crucial we can be. And now more than ever I can see why. There are too many people struggling with this, and too few "straight friends" that are stepping up. In that year I saw more than ever how we need those powerful, ordinary things--understanding, empathy, and friendship.

So here marks a year of accepting 100% of a person, 100% of a friend. Here’s to a year of being powerful, ordinary people.

Spencer's Lesson For Me (by Garrett)

What I’m writing is something Spencer has taught me over the years. It’s not any one specific thing that he did—it’s more like something that he has consistently done throughout the entire time I’ve known him.

But first, I need to give a little backstory:

I gave up on having good friendships with guys around freshman year of high school (around age 15), when the majority of my best friends got involved in things they shouldn’t have. When my family and I moved from Arizona to Florida, it made that detachment from them easier. When I started over again in Florida, I only became friends with guys on the surface level, really. The guys I got to know were just someone to see once in a while, have campouts and some fun with, but no real getting to know any of them. They came and went just as I left Florida and moved (yet again) to Michigan.

The same thing happened there. With my disillusionment of not really wanting to make friends with guys, and with my skyrocketing interest in girls, my focus during my last 2 years of high school naturally shifted to flirting, dating, and how to treat a girl well. I found girls thrilling, and loved going from one to the other—sometimes getting into a relationship, sometimes staying as friends, and sometimes becoming something “in-between.” I loved it. I made life-long friends with these girls and learned lessons about the dynamics of love. During this time, I had very few guys that I hung out with outside of the Young Men program in church. I found it hard for myself to trust others--girl or guy--and felt it better to remain “independent” and to not get too emotionally attached. And since at church I always heard about us guys needing to always treat girls well, and how we needed to date them, I felt justified in my coldness to other guys.

But after high school, things soon changed.

When I met Spencer at the start of freshman year at BYU, he slowly but surely reestablished the kind of solid friendship with guys that I didn’t know I had been missing.

I remember one of the nights in the beginning of fall semester, I had been planning on going with Spencer and a bunch of other guys from our ward to see a football game—but I noticed that Spencer wasn’t all that willing to go. I felt prompted to stay with him instead of going to see the game.

So I did. And throughout that year, I got to see what having a “pretty much we’re brothers” kind of friend was like again.

I took to heart what I had learned from Spencer freshman year, and used it with my companions on my mission, and it really helped me to get along with them and make friendships with them. I learned how to trust friends again, and I learned the importance of having friends trusting you. 

And the best part was, my mission helped me in turn be a better friend to Spencer when I got back, and prepared me to be supportive for when he told me about his SSA.

Thanks to Spencer, I have a healthier balance between romance and friendships with women, and commradery with men. I can once again relish the kinds of friendships I had lost as a kid—doing funny and silly things, talking about hard and difficult things, talking about girls, talking about this, talking about that, and always taking care of each other.

Now we get to the lesson: that, more than anything, is what Spencer has taught me—that we are all here as brothers, children of our Heavenly Father, no matter what we struggle with (SSA or not), and we’re here to watch out for each other. Henry B. Eyring talks about this during a talk in the April 2009 General Conference, where in Priesthood Session he compares that responsibility to a group of soldiers who gave their lives to protect their fallen comrades during a battle in Somalia. President Eyring said of these men:  

“The courage to act and their selfless service came from feeling that they were responsible for the lives, the happiness, and the safety of comrades. Such a feeling of responsibility for others is at the heart of faithful priesthood service.” (“Man Down!” –April 2009 Priesthood Session)

That is the kind of spirit that Spencer demonstrates, through daily and quiet actions, and it’s one that I’ve tried to apply as I’ve gained more and more guy friends along the way. As I’ve done so, I’ve become a better man. I will forever be grateful that Spencer is an excellent example of being a brother’s keeper.

To those who have SSA: remember you still have gifts—gifts that even your SSA might give you, and you can bless the lives of everyone you have around you with those gifts. As a straight friend, I have been blessed immensely because of the gifts Spencer has inherited.

I add my testimony & my voice to the several others that Jesus Christ is Our Savior, and our perfect example. He came to our rescue. Through Him, no matter what path of life you’re on, it will get better, if you let His Atonement make it better.

The Best Friend of a Gay Mormon (By Garrett)

That man with the goofy smile is my friend Spencer Ficiur. He’s the author of this amazing blog (not that I’m biased or anything), and I've known him for about three years now. He’s pointing to the CN Tower in Toronto, where we took a road trip together in July of this year, about 5 months ago.

We’re both Mormons. And as Mormons, we both served as missionaries for the church. I went to Chile; Spencer went to Toronto. It had been two years since seeing each other. And since I live in Michigan, a few hours from his mission, we took a road trip there to kick it like old times.

As we went around Toronto, I got to know the people he had taught, loved, and served. He had a hero’s welcome. His converts showered us with food and “thank yous.” I left a little fatter.

One night, during this road trip, Spencer and I walked and caught up on life. It was a wonderful conversation—one I hadn’t had with him in a while. It refreshed me. Then, during a pause, Spencer asked me if he could tell me something. I said sure. He then began to tell me, his voice trembling slightly, about his same-sex attraction. At first, I didn’t know what to say. I asked him what that meant to him. He said that fully intends to live the commandments and follow Christ to the end, no matter his same-sex attraction.

He has already written his side of that story. Let me share with you my side.

Spencer continued to tell me how, growing up, he felt like his whole life was a taboo. Rejection, fear, and loneliness had saturated his growing up years. I felt heartbroken for him. The first thought that came to me was, “Spencer, after all this time… why didn’t you ever tell me? Don’t you trust me as a friend?”

But then, I realized, this isn’t something you just tell someone, even if he is your friend.

I realized how Spencer’s situation puts him in a kind of cultural limbo: the idea of a “Gay Mormon” is simply unheard of. In several peoples’ minds, including mine, the idea is that you are either gay, living the gay lifestyle, or you’re a Mormon living blissfully without that attraction.

But that’s not the case, and Spencer had a dilemma: though Spencer has a strong faith and testimony, he lives in a culture that (whether saying it or not) emphasizes almost every Sunday to us young men that we need to take girls out on dates, get married, and fulfill all our other responsibilities. In addition, the people are still very ignorant about same-sex attraction, and in their ignorance may hurt him or reject him.

That’s the moment when I knew I needed to learn more.

So in the months that followed, as I attended my university in Utah this fall semester, that’s exactly what I did. I needed to understand what my friend was going through. I attended a group called USGA, a group that meets on my university’s campus for people who are Mormon but also LGBT. I attended a conference this November called the AMCAP Conference. I met the guys from Spencer’s support group, and from all over as he associates with people dealing with the same issue. I began reading Voice(s) of Hope, the book about SSA Spencer has discussed earlier.

I began to realize how big this is, and just how many people are affected by it. Spencer and his friends are really becoming the pioneers in this field, and they are already helping people who are conflicted between their faith and their sexuality. I’ve made friends with several of these people, and all of their stories are inspiring. Some have, in their attempts to defend the church, been attacked by the LGBT community. They demonstrate bravery in exposing themselves, a very controversial and sensitive part of themselves, to be able to testify of Christ and help those who may struggle with the same thing.

When I come home from classes, I have no clue if it will be a good day or a bad day when I come back. Some days, I’m excited because Spencer tells me about a person he had reached out to with his blog, or who had SSA. Other days, he is really having a fight with SSA himself. As I’ve roomed with him, fought with him against his doubts and fears, and stood by him as he started this “coming out,” I’ve learned powerful lessons about the Son of God, and about life in general that I have applied to my own life circumstances. We’re all fighting a battle of some kind, and given the size of Spencer’s battles, he is quite a fighter.

Despite all he had gone through, when I asked him about his future, he said, “I see a wife and a family there.”

Ladies, if you are tired of the same old guys—the selfish, the immature, or the non-committal kind of guys, then might I suggest you hook up with my friend Spencer Ficiur. He’s not like any other guys. He has received numerous blessings from his SSA. He knows how to relate to people on a deep emotional level. He’s not afraid of letting you know about his weaknesses; he is very up front with them. He’s a warrior, and he’s a comedian. He’s fashion conscious. Plus, he loves watching Once Upon a Time. I can hook you up with him if you’re interested.

To everyone, I invite you to get to know Spencer and learn from him what I have. I invite you to learn more about SSA, and see the blessings that can come into your life as you set aside any previous myths, misconceptions, or doubts you may have had about Mormons that have SSA.

The photo below of the two goofballs is a photo of us taken at the end of our road trip. I’m so grateful for my friend Spencer, and that he told to me his story that July. My life has been blessed since.