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August 20, 2010 – Brampton, Ontario – Heart Lake Apartment
I was just a
greenie missionary at the time. My trainer, Elder Call, had become a very fast
friend of mine, which I was not accustomed to having. That night, we were
retiring to bed after companionship prayer and personal prayers. As usual, as
we lay in our beds, we started talking. I don’t remember how we got on the
subject, but we ended up talking about same-sex attraction. Somehow, in the
conversation, I felt a push from the Spirit to tell him something that I had
never told another person before. For the first time in my life, I had told
someone that I dealt with same-sex attraction. Now, by saying that here, you
know too.
Since that
fateful day in Brampton, which changed my life forever, I have told many more
people, including my immediate family and many close friends and roommates. There
are many reasons I have decided to write this post at this time, which means
I’m “coming out”, a decision I can’t take back. I’d like to start with a very
simple one: hope. Hope is actually the thing that I want to get across the most
here. Recently, I’ve been reading a book called “Voices
of Hope”, which was compiled by Ty Mansfield (PS: The YouTube video on this
link is Ty Mansfield talking about his book… it is so powerful).
Voices of
Hope
In the
introduction to “Voices of Hope”, Ty talks about how the stories of those who
are living the gospel and living with same-sex attraction get lost amongst all
the conflict surrounding this issue. In the media, we hear of gay pride and
rainbow flags on one extreme. On the other extreme, we sometimes hear of
individuals who are so ashamed of how they feel that they choose to take their
own life. Only a page into the book, I knew that I wanted to stand up and be a
witness of the truth… of living the truth. So many people are deceived into
believing that because God loves them (which I know He does) that they are free
to act on their sexual urges towards members of their own gender. It breaks my
heart to hear of that, especially when it involves those that have the truth of
the gospel.
As I’ve read
stories of others who live with same-sex attraction, I am inspired to live a
better life. Their examples truly bring me hope. It also has been a blessing in
my life to have friends who also live with same-sex attraction, who know how I
feel. Before this summer, I didn’t have any close friends with same-sex
attraction (I knew of two people, but I wasn’t close to them). However, I
prompted to join an online support group for those who struggle, called North Star. Through North Star, I was able
to learn about a support group that meets in my area on a weekly basis. As I
started going to meetings each week and as I began to spend time with the men
there, I began to feel a sense of brotherhood. In ways that my “straight”
friends couldn’t, they understood me. I felt less alone. I felt like I
belonged.
I’ve also
been blessed to be the one to give hope as well. While a friend of mine (let’s
call him Benjamin) was visiting me, he told me that he dealt with same-sex
attraction. Almost with a laugh, because I hadn’t seen it coming, I
reciprocated and told him that I had similar trials. Benjamin is a convert.
Having previously been in the gay community, that’s what he’d been exposed to.
He didn’t know (or thought he didn’t know) any members of the church that lived
with same-sex attraction. Just the fact that he had a friend who also dealt
with same-sex attraction was a powerful means of him feeling hope. Hope is
powerful and just the knowledge that you’re not alone in the world can give you
such a great amount of it. Knowing that there is someone you can turn to when
you’re family, friends, priesthood leaders, or counselor don’t understand
(despite their best intentions) can be a life saver (for some people that can
be taken literally).
Next month, I
will be participating in filming for a project that North Star is doing as an
extension of Ty Mansfield’s book. The Voices of Hope Project
will include hundreds, maybe thousands, of testimonies of men and women in the
form of video or written essays. I’ve decided to participate in order to give
hope to my brothers and sisters. As Ty Mansfield quotes on the page linked
above “they that be with us are more than they that be with them.” (2 Kings 6:16)
The world has powerful voices coming from it, but we have the Lord on our side.
We have the gospel. We have hope from the Atonement.
I feel bad
for the people who feel the need to define themselves by their sexuality. After
telling one of my friends (let’s call him Tim) about my same-sex attraction, he
told me about his sister. Tim’s sister had her records removed from the church
so that she could pursue a relationship with another woman. He told me that she
let her sexuality define who she was. I like what Tim said after that. He told
me not to let my sexuality define me anymore than he lets his sexuality define
him. I don’t know heterosexual people who make it a point to define themselves
as straight. However, it seems commonplace for homosexuals to define themselves
as gay or lesbian or bisexual, in a way that it controls who they are.
I’m putting
myself out there by writing this post, but I don’t want same-sex attraction to
control my life. Sure, it is an aspect of my life and who I am, a big aspect
maybe, but not the only aspect of who I am. I don’t like the term “gay”. To me,
it denotes acting on those attractions. Regardless of labels, these attractions
are only part me. I am a writer. I am a student. I am a friend. I am a son. I
am a brother. I am an uncle. I am a returned-missionary. I am a Mormon. I am a
follower of Jesus Christ. I am a child of God.
In the end, I
believe that only those last two labels matter: I believe in Christ and I am a child of God. Recently
I went to a fireside about same-sex attraction. At the fireside, one of the
speakers said “God has already labeled us His.” I found this statement
powerful. The most powerful, perfect being has claimed us. His is the only
label we need. We are His children. We are His saints. And if we are willing to
take a step of faith and do what He asks, He will do amazing things with us.
This is a
Gift
Maybe this
seems contradictory that something so difficult and controversial could be seen
as a gift, but it’s true. I think I have begun to understand what Paul meant
when he said that “when I am weak, then am I strong.” (2 Corinthians
12:10) Sure, it’s still hard to live with same-sex attraction sometimes,
but I have noticed some of the blessings it has given me.
For example,
I noticed recently how I am able to connect with other men on a deeper level
than “Sup, dude?” Granted, there are straight men that are able to connect with
other men too, but they are rare. I feel that because of my same-sex
attraction, which came about because of my desire to connect with other males,
particularly my peers, I am able to connect with my guy friends more.
I am just
beginning to understand what the Lord meant when He said, “And if men come unto
me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may
be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before
me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I
make weak things become strong unto them.” (Ether 12:27)
Just a month ago, I called same-sex attraction one of my weaknesses. Now I also
consider it ones of my strengths, which has taught me and helped me to learn
about myself.
The
Atonement
I want to
finish off this “coming out” by talking about the Atonement. In “Voices of
Hope”, Ty Mansfield references President Packer in saying that “any truth not
connected to [the Atonement]…is insufficient.” I have seen and heard other
media on the internet about homosexuality and the church and it disturbs me
when they do not mention the Atonement of Christ. Alma taught that “[Christ]
will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.” (Alma 7:11)
Even the Savior during his mortal ministry said, “Come unto me, all ye that
labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you,
and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto
your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)
Shortly before His crucifixion, He also said, “Peace I leave with you, my peace
I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart
be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” (John 14:27)
I know that
the Savior died for me. I know that through His Atonement I can find peace and
comfort in the trying times of my life. Though I may deal with anxiety,
depression, autism, and same-sex attraction, none of them are too much for the
Savior and the Atonement to handle. I have accepted that I may not be healed
from one or any of them in this life, but that’s okay, because I know that as I
live righteously, I will be blessed with comfort through the Holy Ghost.
I have one
last request before I finish off (I know this has been a long post already). If
you know someone who is struggling (with same-sex attraction or with any trial)
please share this. I want my testimony of the Atonement to help as many people
as it can. You are not alone and even your bad experiences can be used for your
good. Have hope in the Atonement and “let us cheerfully do all things that lie
in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see
the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.” (D&C
123:17)
Thank you for
sticking with me through this long post. Remember that through the Atonement it
gets better. I say this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
