Joy to the World

Joy to the world! the Lord is come;

Let Earth receive her King;

Let every heart prepare him room,

And heaven and nature sing,

And heaven and nature sing,

And heaven, and heaven, and nature sing.

Last time I wrote here, I said “I’m staying”. This time I wanted to share one of the reasons why. 

In speaking to the youth in my ward recently, I shared about my experiences and beliefs about myself because of my SSA. I thought the only feasible route to be happy would be to leave the covenant path. But I learned that my testimony and the Spirit brought me too much peace and joy to leave behind. So I’m staying because of the joy the gospel brings.  

One of the times I feel that joy more strongly is leading up to Christmas. The holiday season is a time when people are thinking about the Savior, even if they don’t realize it or believe it. The spirit of Christmas is the joy I receive from bearing my testimony and living the gospel. 

I’m not sure how Christmas will be for me on a budget (I’m not getting any new toys) but I get to experience the joy of my daughter’s Christmas. To find joy in simple or mundane things is so childlike, something we’re instructed to become. Through the atonement and covenants we make, we can become childlike again and feel the joy Heavenly Father offers us. 

This Christmas season I’m grateful for the gift of the atonement. The gift of repentance. The gift of divine transformation. I’m not who I was and that’s good. I hope He continues to transform me so that I can let in more joy that I know He wants to share with me. 

Rejoice! Rejoice when Jesus reigns,

And Saints their songs employ,

While fields and floods, rocks, hills, and plains

Repeat the sounding joy,

Repeat the sounding joy,

Repeat, repeat the sounding joy. 

I'm Still Here and I'm Staying

Does anyone still follow my blog or check my posts? In the past few years, I felt less need write about matters relating to same-sex attraction, and after joining the team of Mormon Geeks (now called Latter-Day Saint Geeks), my gospel writing kind of went there. But, hi! I’m still alive! 

That being said, I had to say something. I've seen posts on social media regarding BYU, For the Strength of Youth, etc.; and I just feel like I have more to say regarding the gospel, my testimony, and the covenants I've made. There’s more missionary work to be done within the Church regarding same-sex attraction.

To be clear; what I have to say in this and future posts isn't intended for those who have left the Church or even for those who are questioning their testimonies. If you fall into that category, I hope you can still find something positive and uplifting from what I say, even if it doesn't apply to you. What I have to say is for those who are trying with all their hearts to stay in the Church, despite their doubts and questions.

October 2022 was ten years since my initial "coming out" blog post. I wanted to do a big ole blog post to commemorate that crazy milestone. Unfortunately, life happened and the anniversary passed. In the process of it all, I read some of my old blog posts from the past ten years. Being 10 years more mature now, I expected to feel super cringey reading my old stuff. Yes, there was definitely some cringe, but my testimony has only grown. And I stand by what I've said, though I could articulate it better now.

So what’s the point?

The point is simple: I'm staying.

When I was in New York a few years ago, my friends and I saw a Harry Potter parody play called "Puffs". During the Battle of Hogwarts, our beloved Hufflepuffs nearly ran out of the castle because they didn't think they were good enough to fight the Death Eaters. But Leanne, possibly the biggest "Puff" of them all, declared that despite their shortcomings, she was staying. And one by one they began sounding off: "I'm a Puff and I'm staying."

If the Puffs can stand up against Death Eaters, I can stand by my testimony. So here I am: I'm a Puff and I'm staying! And to anyone else who’s staying, I hope my experiences and future blog posts can help strengthen you.

"I'm a Puff and I'm staying."

The Sacred Grove

It was about a month ago that I arrived at the Hill Cumorah Pageant. While I was there, I had a couple opportunities to visit the Sacred Grove. It is my favorite place in the world (yes, even more than Disneyland) and like I did last time, I wanted to share my testimony that I recorded there:

I know the Lord lives. I know that He has been there through all my pains and setbacks, waiting for me to come to Him. He came to Joseph in this Grove and I know He'll come to me if I seek Him. By my Savior's Atonement, I am strengthened each day. Without Him, I can do nothing. But with Him, I can do anything He asks. He changes my life each day by the prompting a He gives me. He has changed me and He will continue to change me. He loves me so much that He is willing to break my heart, in order to get me to a place that is better than I could ever dream.

I say this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

2015: Year in Review

Another year, another go at the family tradition. Here we go :)

Neatest Place You were in 2015

            Spain! During my study abroad we went all over Spain. My favorite places throughout the country (or at least the three I always tell people about) are Córdoba, Barcelona, and Granada. I was amazed by how much I loved the country. It was beautiful and it felt almost familiar to me. It was a wonderful opportunity to work on my Spanish (still needs work) and get cultured.

Biggest Surprise of the Year

            My biggest surprise this year was work. I quit my job at the MTC Bookstore back in April when I left for my study abroad in Spain. Partway through my study abroad, I learned that I wouldn’t be doing EFY as I’d planned (more on that later), so it became necessary that I start looking for other work. I applied at company called Chrysalis (helping clients with cognitive disabilities live as normal of a life as possible) and got an interview with them shortly after getting back from Spain. I’d originally thought I’d just work as a support staff until I graduated and then MAYBE apply for a full-time position as a house manager or something at the office. In November, the opportunity arose to apply for a manager position, so I applied, because why not? I didn’t get the position I applied for, but they offered me a different manager position at a new house they were setting up, but wouldn’t be open for a couple months. I accepted and did manager training. Then last week I got the news that the new house was taking longer to set up than they originally thought, so instead they wanted me to be manager at the house right next door to where I’ve been working. So I’m going into my last few months of school with a full-time job. I’m both excited and scared! This will be interesting!

Best Movie/TV Show You Watched

            For this one I’ll just lump all of the Marvel Cinematic Universe together. I started really getting into it this year. I saw Avengers: Age of Ultron while I was in Spain (I thought I was going to have to wait until the end of June to go see it) and then later on in the year I saw Ant-Man. Loved both of them! Also, I got into Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD show on TV. A lot of people had issues with season 1 of that show, but I honestly loved it (granted, I also binge-watched the first two seasons of the show over two grave shifts). This year I’m looking forward to Captain America: Civil War and Doctor Strange.

Saddest Day/Time in 2010

            Finding out I wouldn’t be doing EFY. Still don’t know why. Probably never will. I am just grateful to my Heavenly Father for helping me through that hard time. It still hurts at times (I remember crying uncontrollably the day I found out), but at least I’ve been able to see God’s hand through it. For example, if I’d done EFY this summer, I wouldn’t be starting as a manager at work this month, having a full-time job secured before I’m even graduated.

Happiest Day/Time in 2010

            In August, my little brother Tyler got home from his mission. That made it the perfect time for everyone to go back to Alberta for the first time since our family cruise two years ago. With everyone home, and both sets of grandparents there, we got a bunch of family pictures done and I got to spend time with all five of my nephews (as well as all of my siblings, of course). I’m grateful for my family and the temple covenants that bond us. We have our issues, like every family, but I love them.

Best Book/Magazine You’ve Read

            Oddly enough I’m going to pick a textbook. “Spiritual Exodus” was the textbook I used for my Addiction Recovery and Healing class. Great gospel perspective on addiction and finding recovery, both for the addict and for the spouse. My professor from the class (the one who wrote the book) is working on a website for it as well. So that won’t cost $40 at least.

Things you will remember from the news

            What I will remember from the media is the response to the new church policies this fall.  I’ve intentionally steered away from this subject on my blog, so I will just say this on the subject: I know that God calls prophets and apostles to lead us and to teach us His will. I do not know the meaning of all things, but I have a faith in God that includes the equal chance for all of His children to reach the Celestial Kingdom, regardless of their situations.

What would you like to do in 2016?

            Lots of things I want to do in 2016. I got accepted for the Hill Cumorah Pageant again, so (pending getting work off) I’m going there. I’d also like to graduate (planning on walking in April). I’d like to do another mud run this year, since I enjoyed the Dirty Dash. I also wouldn’t mind getting a girlfriend or at the very least going to Disneyland again. I’m mostly just looking to some more adventures and growth in the next year. 

Letters from Spain (3)

Well, the day is almost here. I fly home on Wednesday from Spain. I'm sure I'll miss this beautiful country, but I'm happy to be going home and to start the next adventure in my life. I didn't get what I wanted out of my study abroad, but I have a feeling I got what my Heavenly Father wanted me to get out of it. That seems to be a theme in my life. The last two months have stretched me in ways that I didn't expect. I have definitely been taught a great deal about trusting in the Lord above trusting in men. Social anxiety, homesickness, language barriers, and insane employment surprises (I'll write more about that situation and what I've learned later).

From this place of introspection and reflection, I want to share my testimony as I get ready to leave Spain. I know that God lives. I know He cares for me. I know He hears my prayers. I know that He can provide miracles when I have faith, though they're rarely the miracle I expect. At least three times during my study abroad I've received comfort as a result of prayer from unexpected sources.

I know that the atonement of Jesus Christ exists to cleanse me of my sins. In addition, He is there to comfort me when no mortal person can. He is my Older Brother and I have felt His tender embrace when I've needed it most. He is here to bless me and support me when I cannot take another step.

Whoever you are reading this, thank you for being part of my life. You are a gift from God to me, whether we're close friends or we don't know each other.

I testify of these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

La Plaza de España en Sevilla

Cartas de España (3)

Pues, el día casi llega. El miércoles, me voy de España. Estoy seguro que extrañaré ese país bonito, pero estoy feliz que iré a casa y que empezaré la próxima aventura en mi vida. No conseguí lo que esperaba de mi estudio en España., pero me siento que conseguí lo que mi Padre Celestial quisiera. Me parece que eso sea un tema en mi vida. Estos dos meses, he crecido en vías que no esperaba. He aprendido mucho de confiar en Dios antes de los hombres. Ansiedad social, extrañando para hogar, el lenguaje, y sorpresas locas de trabajo (voy a escribir luego más de esta situación y lo que he aprendido).

De este lugar de introspección y recolección, quiero compartir mi testimonio mientras preparándome para salir de España. Yo sé que Dios vive. Yo sé que me cuida. Yo sé que escucha mis oraciones. Yo sé que puede darme milagros cuando tenga fe, sin embargo raramente son los milagros que espero. Por lo menos, tres veces durante mi tiempo en España, he recibido apoyo por orar de personas no esperadas.

Yo sé que la expiación de Jesucristo existe para limpiarme de mis pecados. Más, Él está allá para darme paz cuando no persona mortal pueda. Es mi Hermano Mayor y he sentido Sus brazos cariñosos cuando los he necesitado lo más. Está aquí para bendecirme y apoyarme cuando yo no pueda caminar más.

No importa quién eres tú, gracias por ser parte de mi vida. Eres una bendición de Dios, si somos amigos o si no nos conocemos.

Yo testifico de estas cosas en el nombre de Jesucristo. Amén.

Granada

2014: Year in Review

I’m a bit behind, but it’s time to do the 2014 year in review. I’ve done it on my blog for the past two years. Before that it was a family tradition to keep record of the highlights of the year.

Neatest Place You were in 2014

My favorite place that I was this past year was the Hill Cumorah Pageant. Pageant was an amazing spiritual experience and I made some amazing friends. Being back where I first felt like I found myself in 2009 helped strengthen my testimony. I made amazing friends who I still love to keep in touch with. Since getting home they have been some of my greatest supports in my trying times.

Mom and Dad came to see Pageant a couple of the nights

Biggest Surprise of the Year

My biggest surprise of the year (or at least one of them) was probably while I was at Disneyland. I’ve always loved the character Dug from Up. I was at Disneyland with David and as we were walking through California Adventure we found out there was an opportunity for a meet and greet with Dug. I had heard about that happening at Disney World, but I didn’t know he was in California Adventure as well. So I was able to give that big fluffy loving puppy a big hug! SQUIRREL!

"I have just met you and I love you."

Best TV Show/Movie You Watched

The best movie I watched this year was The Lego Movie. Super fun and it spoke to my inner child. Not only that but every time I watch it I get such a self-esteem boost! I am important because I am me and I can change the world just by doing that. Most simply put, I am the special! One of my favorite exchanges in the movie is between Emmett and Vitruvius when Emmett finds out that he is not really the Special but it’s up to him to become the hero anyway. He says to ghost Vitruvius, “how could I just decide to believe that I'm special when I'm not?” Vitruvius replies, “Because the world depends on it.” My world depends on me choosing to believe I’m special and that decision can change the world.

Garrett and Sara dressed as Emmett and Wildstyle for Halloween

Saddest Day/Time in 2014

I went through a bit of a hard time during the end of the year. School is tiring and life is stressful, self-esteem can be hard to maintain. Basically it’s life. I am grateful for the Lord and His grace to help me get to where I am now and that I don’t always have to feel like that. Particularly November was hard. I won’t go into personal details, but I went through some stuff trying to figure out who I am. Though it was a dark and gloomy place, I am grateful that the Lord was able to teach me and that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I don’t have to stay there forever.

Happiest Day/Time in 2014

With such great adventures this year it’s hard to pick one happiest time. One of my happiest moments was being in the Sacred Grove again while I was in Pageant. I got the opportunity to walk through the grove, praying, reading, and recording my thoughts. I wrote my testimony while I was there and I am grateful for the Spirit I was able to feel while I was there in the sacred, hallowed wood.

(Thank you Emily for taking this picture)

Best Book/Magazine You’ve Read

I’m not sure if I read any new books this year. However, I did re-read “The Brothers” by Christ Stewart this summer and then I listened to it again while I was on my trip to California with David. This book has helped me feel of my Savior’s love. I’m not saying the book is doctrine, but some of the parts of the book involving Jehovah or the Father talking to the children have been amazing in helping me feel of their love and support for me in my journey. One of my favorite parts is near the end of the book; The Father tells His children that though they will be leaving for Earth soon and they will forget their lives with Him, He will send them reminders of His love: a mother’s kiss, a father’s blessing, words of the prophets, etc. I am grateful to have these things in my life to remind me of how much my Father loves me.

I love forward to this hug

Things You Will Remember From the News

The biggest thing I remember from the news this year is the death of Robin Williams. I grew up watching Aladdin and Mrs. Doubtfire and I remember watching Dead Poet Society in high school. Hearing that he had committed suicide was a surprise to me. It was a reminder to me that depression doesn’t discriminate. In addition, I find it amazing and admirable that though he was hurting on the inside, he still made it his purpose in life to help others laugh. That being said, I’d like to state the fact that suicide is preventable. I went to a suicide prevention training this fall for my internship and that’s one thing I came away from it with: Depression is treatable and suicide is preventable. If you are struggling with depression and/or suicide ideation, please get help. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline for help at any time if you’re struggling: 1 (800) 273-8255. Please don’t give up.

RIP Robin Williams

Favorite Talk in Church/Conference

I don’t know if it was my favorite, but he is definitely my favorite speaker. This past April, Elder Holland talked about standing up for our faith. It may not be popular (it rarely is) and it may not be easy (I’d say it never is), but because we are followers of Jesus Christ, it’s something we must do. Though others may tear the church down, we have to stand strong in our standards and fight against the adversary. We need to love our brothers and sisters, despite persecution we may receive. We are the people of Christ and we need to show it.

What Would You Like to Do In 2015?

2015 has the making of a crazy adventure for me. I’ve been accepted to a study abroad in Spain this spring term (May and June) and then I’m hoping to be an EFY counselor for the rest of the summer. In addition to all of that, this fall I start my final year of my undergraduate degree. Also, if all goes well with my seminary teacher training class this semester, I’ll be teaching seminary this fall. The only thing for sure is that I will be going to Spain. Everything else I’d love to do, that’s in the Lord’s hands and as I surrender my will to Him, I know He can make more out of my life than I ever could.

¡Estoy animado para ir a ese templo en Madrid!

Alright, that’s my year in review for 2014. Hopefully yours was good too. I’m looking forward to another great year of testimony building, growth, and adventures. It may not be easy, but I think it can always be miraculous if we let it (remind me of that the next time I start stressing).

Letters from the Hill, Part 3

"And now I bid unto all, farewell. I soon go to rest in the paradise of God, until my spirit and body shall again reunite, and I am brought forth triumphant through the air, to meet you before the pleasing bar of the great Jehovah, the Eternal Judge of both quick and dead. Amen." (Moroni 10:34)

It's hard to believe that my time at the Hill Cumorah has come to a close. Last night was our last performance and today my parents are picking me up from the Hill. It has been such a blessing to be here and to be where prophets have been. I am grateful that repeatedly the Lord witnessed to me that this is where I've needed to be. By no means has it been easy. In fact, it's one of the most draining, exhausting experiences I've had. However, it's also been an amazing, spiritual learning experience. Every performance I could name something different that I learned. I've met amazing people. I've grown and I've had the experience that I needed to have.

It was such a blessing each night to be able to see a man in white descend onto the stage portraying the Savior. Though I know in my mind that he was just a man on  a stage, his face showed the light of the Savior. It was such a blessing to see that portrayal each night and ponder on how the Savior would interact with me if he was here. Surely he'd treat me better than I've treated myself. Just as I saw that man on stage portraying the Savior hug the little primary boy each night, I know the Savior would embrace me in His arms. I have felt those healing arms around me on some of my hardest days and I know that He loves me. I know He sacrificed Himself and suffered to redeem me and to change me into a better man. Because of Him, I feel hope. Because of Him, I know there is always hope. Because of Him, I know I can be happy every day of my life, even in turmoil and disappointment. Because of Him, there is always something to be grateful for. 

Now like Moroni (sort of) I bid you farewell, Cumorah, until the Lord brings me back here again.  

Letters from the Hill, Part 2

I'm at the Sacred Grove and I just feel the desire to share my testimony.

know that what Joseph claimed is true. He saw God and Jesus Christ. I know Joseph translated the Book of Mormon. I know he restored the Gospel to the Earth. It is because of all of this that I am here. There is nowhere else I would have rather spent this July. It has been such an amazing blessing to be at the birthplace of the Restoration, to stand where prophets, both ancient and modern, stood. When I see the man portraying the Savior on stage in the Pageant, I see the Savior and I desire to come closer to Him. I know that He is the only sure foundation I can rely on. People disappoint, friends move away, but the Savior will forever be close to me, as long as I remain close to Him.

Preparing for Cumorah, Part 1

In December I got the amazing news that I would be returning to the Hill Cumorah Pageant. My mom grew up a couple hours from Palmyra, so I've grown up visiting Palmyra. The first time I remember seeing Pageant was in 1998 (though I also saw it at a year and half old in 1992). Three years later at the age of 10 I was in the cast of the Pageant with my family. That year I got to play Laman's son in the journey to the Americas. Seven years later I was in the cast again and I played a Lamanite warrior (spoiler alert: I died). Two years ago, my parents and my little brother were in the cast, so during my road trip with Garrett, we visited and watched the last full run through before the dress rehearsal. This year, I have the amazing opportunity to participate again.

So first, a quick FAQ about the Hill Cumorah Pageant:

No, it doesn't have any singing. You do not have to be musically talented to be in it (which explains why I can do it). There are some dancers, but that's kind of minor. Most people end up being in cried scenes. 

No, I do not know what part I'll be playing. I report to the Hill Cumorah on July 4. That night they have casting and in the days following they assign parts. So I will not find out who I'm playing until I get there (likely it won't be anyone with an actual name).

I'm at the Hill from July 4 until July 20. There are seven performances: July 11-12 and July 14-19. The dress rehearsal is July 10 and there is a full run through (without costumes) on July 9.

The members of the cast get trained by the missionaries there to proselyte and bear testimony to the audience members, both members of the church and friends of other faiths. 

If you can't tell, I'm really excited. One month from tomorrow I'll be at the Hill and this adventure will begin. If you live out east, I recommend coming, even if it means driving a while. It is an amazing experience and it changed my life :)

I See His Hand

For the anniversary of the Voices of Hope project, I want to share something somewhat unrelated. Something I’ve been thinking about since Sunday.

In the Book of Mormon, Alma says that “all things denote there is a God; yea, even the earth, and all things that are upon the face of it, yea, and its motion, yea, and also all the planets which move in their regular form do witness that there is a Supreme Creator” (Alma 30:44). I’ve been thinking about what things “witness that there is a Supreme Creator” in my life, so here’s a little bit of a quick list.

1.      I see His hand in every picture I see my sister-in-law post of my nephew Carson. The little boy has an adorable innocent smile.

2.      I see His hand in every video I see of my “niece” Rachel, either posted on Facebook by her mother or sent to me by her grandma. This adorable 20-month-old always makes me smile.

3.      I see His hand when I hear just the right song at just the right time. I have a Christian radio station (kLove) favorited in my car and sometimes I’ll turn the car on and a song comes on to bless me in just the way I need.

4.      I see His hand when I see the numbers 4-4-4 together on a license plate, in a phone number, or wherever. Like I’ve said before, the triple-4 reminds me of serving with Elder Call and how it reminded him of his favorite scripture Alma 44:4. Now these numbers remind me of that scripture, that great missionary I had the honor to serve with, and the scripture that gives me strength to warrior on and keep going.

5.      I see His hand in a rainy day. I remember being on bikes on my mission with Elder Call and just how excited he was when it was rainy and stormy. Especially on those summer days in Toronto when it was really warm, I enjoyed the rain too.

6.      I see His hand in the welcoming arms of my friends. I am blessed to know some of the most Christ-like people and I am learning not to question why they would want to be friends with someone as ordinary and flawed as me. Regardless, every warm hug, every loving text, and every Christ-like act of love shows me that I am not alone and that God has answered the prayers that I prayed for years as a teenager, that I would finally have friends.

7.     I see His hand in the progress I’ve made emotionally over the past year or so. I look back at the person I was a year ago or two years ago and I feel such empathy for the young man who thought he’d never be capable of being happy. I have my stormy days still, but in them I try to hold onto the memory of all the good.

8.      I see His hand in the Voices of Hope Project. Sometimes I’ll be having a difficult day and a new video will come out that day and what is said is exactly what I need (on that note remember to like their page on Facebook).

I am grateful for the knowledge I have of a loving Heavenly Father. I am grateful for His love which helps me grow. I am grateful for the many blessings He has given me. I am grateful to know that He can help me in my life in whatever I am doing. I know He loves me.

In the comments, I’d love to hear how you see His hand in your life.

Like a Litter of Puppies

Taking a short break from my homework to reflect on my Voices of Hope shoot this past weekend.

So a little more about why they decided to re-do my shoot. From the word of the producer himself (Kerry Harding) apparently I looked depressed in my original shoot, like my “dog had just died”. Talking about hope and the Atonement, but looking depressed, they decided to have me re-do the video.

Fair enough, I figured. Actually, I was pretty excited. When Ty first mentioned to me that they wanted me to re-shoot my video, I was relieved. I did my original shoot in November and it was fine. I felt like I was in a good place and I think I was, after I’d come out and had such good responses to it. However, in the months that followed I felt like I fell apart emotionally in many ways. After all the work it took to get myself back together (including going to my Journey Into Manhood weekend), I had actually been thinking that I wished I could re-do my video, having learned so much in the months following my shoot.

I got my wish! And this past Sunday was GREAT! I got to the house where we were filming and I was nervous! I don’t really get nervous. Well, that’s a lie. I get nervous, but it never hits until a few hours before. At the earliest, I get nervous earlier the day of a big event. I was too busy being excited to be nervous about my shoot. It wasn’t until I was about an hour and a half away from the shoot that the anxiety hit and I was looking through my notes, sure that I would forget to say something that I wanted to. I felt like I was cramming for a test, even though the “test” was on my life. What did I need to study for?

Shortly before the shoot, I got a blessing from Garrett, who came to support me. As the shoot before mine ended, we hung out with some of the people who had been in the room for that shoot (including Kerry, Ty, and some of the crew). Finally the camera was ready for my shoot. They got me wired up with a microphone and into the chair. As I got going, telling my story to Ty (he was my point-man, the person I talked to, in order to give me somewhere to look), it just came. Things that I had intended to say came easily, things that I had hadn’t planned to say came up, and other things I had planned to say felt unimportant.

I got to testify of the Atonement, the love of God, and the purpose of the trials in my life. At one point I think I started crying. I felt the Spirit testify of what I was doing. A lot of my story had to do more with my mission than with my SSA, but it was all told anyway. Afterwards, Kerry Harding, in contrast to what he’d said about my last shoot, said that this one seemed more like my dog “had had a litter of puppies” (for the record, I don’t have a dog, but I decided not to tell Kerry that).

I’m very excited for it to be released, but as it was just recorded, it’ll be a while. I don’t know how long, but in the meantime there are plenty of other videos already released for me to watch, re-watch, and draw strength from. As such, my next post will probably be another Voices of Hope post (since I haven’t done one in a while). Until then, whoever you are, reader, I want you to know that you are infinitely loved of God and no matter what you do that will never change.

CTM Reunion Fears

The day before conference I had the amazing opportunity to go up to Bountiful for my second annual mission reunion. I’m always excited to see companions (all two of them), missionaries I served around, my mission president, and his wife. However, both years I’ve also had fear. Not fear of how I’d be seen, since hardly anyone there knew me. In fact… that’s the fear I had, not being known. Being lonely. A fear that carries over into other parts of my life as well.

Fortunately, that fear was not realized at the reunion.

First, before I tell you about that fear, let me tell you about our celebrity guest: Elder M. Russell Ballard. Yup. We had an apostle at our reunion. Why? Well one reason is that he loves Toronto missionaries. And the other reason is that his daughter was our mission mom (mission president’s wife). Just a few of my notes from what Elder Ballard said to us, which would apply to any of us, no matter where or if you served: (1) We have to stand up for what’s right, even if it’s not culturally acceptable. (2) Who are you? And do you really know that? (3) John 15:13… He has called you His friend—D&C 93:45. (4) The Lord has chosen you and who are YOU to doubt Him? (5) If He were here tonight, He would call you His friend. (6) The apostles pray for you each week. (7) Nothing is as important as your testimony of the Savior.

Now for some notes from what my mission mom said… I don’t remember if she actually said this or if I just had this impression, but this is what I wrote down: “Your work was not wasted. You were not a waste in the Toronto Mission.” She was speaking of when she’d been able to speak to a group of Toronto missionaries at her father’s mission reunion and was able to tell them of how the church as grown since they were there, decades ago. However, I was also reminded of the few lives that I was able to touch while I was there.

Now words from my hero… President Brower: Continue to study Preach My Gospel. Be a Latter-day Saint; don’t just do Latter-day Saint things. Continually repent; so what if you slip up? Get up, remember where you’re going, and move on. EVERY righteous thing you do is an opportunity to be sanctified. Stay converted and PROVE it!

Instead of feeling fear and loneliness, I was fed spiritually by a member of the Quorum of the Twelve and my mission president and his wife. Besides, that it was just amazing to be there with a house full of missionaries that love Ontario just like I do. I was able to see Elder Call, my beloved trainer and the first person I could confide ANYTHING in—and he was my brother. And that was only the beginning. I was able to see so many signs of my Father’s love, just like my stars, giving me hope and peace.

A tender moment came to me when I was able to talk to Elder Olmstead, the missionary who took my place after I left Heart Lake, about the investigators that I had left with him. It was the first time I’d spoken to Elder Olmstead, other than a brief phone call just before I got to the airport on September 15, 2010. I thanked him for getting Tek and Fuman ready for baptism. I thanked him for helping Dale get the rest of the way into the fold of God. This missionary who I barely knew took care of the people I love dearly when I was broken and forced to return home.

I was also blessed to talk to one of my old zone leaders, Elder McKee. A couple weeks before, I’d briefly seen him on campus during my intense episode of depression. I was with David at the time and not in the emotional state to chat, so I very briefly waved and walked on by. He remembered that day though at the reunion. The kind spirit that he is, he made sure that I was doing okay, because he’d seen the despair on my face.

In addition to Elder Olmstead, I was also privileged to meet Elder Rumsey, the missionary that Elder Call had trained after me and Elder Olmstead. These two men would be my “brothers” in mission slang (“father” and “son” would be “trainer” and “greenie”). Somehow just the common bond I felt with them, having both served and strived with Elder Call just like I had tried my best to do. This “family reunion” hit somewhere special in my heart.

Somehow I ended up meeting a missionary there who had come home early, like me. He’d had similar fears of feeling alone and lonely. The commonality I felt with that missionary and his desire to do what is right, despite how hard it is coming home early (and it could have been SO easy to have left the church after I came home), was inspiring. Similar to my experiences with SSA, my experiences with other missionaries who have come home early has been a way of being able to find support. They understand the pain I feel when people say “Oh, you did what the Lord required” or “You’re still an RM”. They understand the pains I feel when I wonder if it would have been better for me not to go in the first place. This support system is invaluable to me.

Finally my brief one-on-one talk with President Brower… the things he said to me are too sacred to share, but I know I am so blessed to have had a mission president who cares about me, even now, over 2.5 years later. I love him and I am grateful for all he continues to do for me.

To close, I just want to close with 1 John 4:18: Perfect love (like my mission president and those missionaries showed to me) casteth out fear. And the ultimate source of that love is the Savior, Jesus Christ.

Amen.