Three Years Ago

Idaho Falls Temple - February 2013

About three years ago, I went through the Idaho Falls temple for my endowment, in preparation for my mission. About a week ago, I had the opportunity to do an endowment session there for the first time since. It was kind of an interesting experience for me to realize that and look back on the past three years.

Three years ago, February 2010, I was waiting for my mission call. Because of my autism, my call got delayed… and delayed… and delayed. Garrett will attest to the fact that I didn’t handle that waiting period very well. Looking back, I recognize that that was my first real recollection of experiencing depression. After receiving my mission call, I assumed that was the end of it. I had my call and all would be well. Fast-forward about six months to September 2010 and I was home from my mission.

Getting off the plane - September 2010

 Being a 19-year-old RM was one of the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with. Harder than waiting for my mission call. Harder than dealing with the stress I put on myself after telling Elder Call about my SSA (speaking of which… I need to do a post on that). Finally, the next summer, after much stress and anxiety, which I attributed to having to wait again, I was permitted to go on a trial mission.

Coming home from Calgary three months after I started was one of the hardest things I’ve done… it was harder than the first time, I’d say. In my opinion, the lack of confidence and self-esteem I felt was manifest in my schoolwork. Some of the simplest assignments seemed to test my abilities and try my patience. In my mind, it was a miracle that I managed a B average that semester. In that time, I started medication to help with my depression and anxiety, but even so it wasn’t until part way through the summer that I seemed to find something that worked. And honestly I think part of what worked was being able to go back to Toronto, visit the people I’d served there, and find closure, knowing I had made a difference in three months there.

With Fuman, one of my converts - July 2012

Even after feeling that closure, I think I still felt down about my position of being an “early RM”. Until something unexpected happened… literally a day after I posted about what it means to be an RM… that was when I was reading in Voice(s) of Hope for the first time. It was then, in the first few lines, that I felt the prompting to start all of this. Two months later, after much prayer and seeking revelation, I did start writing about my SSA. In the time since, I have been blessed to have had miracle SSA Missionary experiences with Steve, Alex, and several others. Just yesterday in fact a girl from one of my old wards (let’s call her Libby) told me about her SSA.

Still, at the same time I’m working to find balance, understanding, and healing for myself. I try to do my best to look forward toward better things, but at the same time I still carry scars of my past. During all of that, I am struggling to find the right balance between expressing love and being firm in my beliefs. All the time, I still have episodes of shame and hurt around all of what has happened in the past three years.

I guess here’s the bottom line (and it’s something I’m still trying to internalize, even as I share it): Jesus Christ the Savior is why any of this matters. He helped me find closure with what happened in Toronto and He helped me find a new way to do missionary work. As I always say, it is through Him and His Atonement that it gets better.

Idaho Falls Temple - April 2010

Grateful to Be Autistic

I showed my autism a lot more
when I was younger

I kind of want to switch gears today a bit, after talking about so much SSA stuff. Instead, I want to talk about something else that has affected my life a lot. It’s been a while since I really talked about it on here, but I’ve been thinking about this post for a while. Some of you who haven’t known me very long may not know this, but I have high-functioning autism (Asperger’s Syndrome). My autism affected me more when I was younger, since I’ve learned to live with it.  However, kind of like with my post about being grateful for my same-sex attraction, I wanted to do one about why I’m grateful for my autism.

To be honest, three years ago when I was waiting for my mission call and the mission department delayed it… and delayed it… and delayed it because of my autism, I was not fond of it. In fact, I hated that there was anything about me that was abnormal (at that time, I was in a period of denial about my SSA too). In the end, I waited a month and a half, whereas the other guys in my ward were waiting two weeks. To this day, when I see things like the meme below (taken from BYU Memes) I want to start ranting about how short they really have to wait (but that’s a post and a rant for another day). However, recently, as I’ve learned to be grateful for my SSA, I’ve also learned to be grateful for my autism.

Reason #1: Being autistic has helped me become and enjoy being genuine and authentic. Yes, authenticity needs its boundaries; otherwise it can drive some people away, because they’re not prepared for it. However, there are so many people who are scared of showing people who they really are. Me, it’s natural and it’s liberating.

Reason #2: For me, honesty also seems natural. In fact, I feel like I have an overdeveloped sense of guilt, in some ways. However, that can be good, because it means I’m not likely to lie. In fact, if I ever tell you I plan on doing something with you, I probably mean it (so don’t offer if you don’t mean it). If I don’t want to, I’ll attempt to talk my way out of it. So in a way, my autism has helped me to be open and honest with those around me.

Reason #3: Part of being autistic is noticing patterns. I think this has helped me in learning foreign languages. This semester, I’m living at the FLSR (Foreign Language Student Residence) at BYU, in order to improve my Spanish. I look back on my experiences with learning languages (I also took French throughout middle school and high school) and while my peers have had a hard time with conjugations and stuff, it felt straight forward: languages are patterns. My listening comprehension may take some work, but yeah, that’s okay. I suppose this isn’t always the case with autistic people, but I like to think it helps me with the many conjugations of verbs in Spanish that my classmates find difficult.

Reason #4: People with autism tend to be hyper-focused on stuff. For example, when I was younger, I was hyper-focused on Pokémon, Digimon, or whatever other personal fad I was going through. Now, it seems to be more on the same-sex attraction thing. However, I’d like to argue that it’s not as much about the SSA as it is about what the SSA has taught me about families. I’ve been learning about dealing with my SSA recently and in doing so I’ve learned a lot about myself and I’ve also become aware of how much Satan is attacking the family. This has led me to my new major, Family Studies, and has led me to want to pursue a career in Marriage and Family therapy. I think being hyper-focused on the family is far from a negative trait.

Like with my SSA, through the Atonement, I have learned to become okay with my autism. In fact, I’ve even begun to enjoy it. And that’s why I always say that it’s because of the Atonement that it gets better.

Autism Awareness is represented by multicolored puzzle
pieces to represent its complex nature. 

A Step Into the Dark

So we didn’t expect me to personally post on here again so soon, huh? Here’s the deal now…

I’ve come home from my mission early. Because of the normal stresses of a mission and my having Aspergers, as well as other random stresses of life I was having, my stress was compounded and by the twelfth week I was in the field (15 weeks total), I was becoming less and less effective, to the point where I was having mental breakdowns almost every day. As a result, President Brower (my mission president), who had known about the building stresses for some time, with the advice of Brother Miller, a psychiatrist at LDS Family Services in Etobicoke, Ontario suggested that I take a break from my mission. Last Tuesday (September 14) President Brower told me that I was officially being extended an honorable medical release from my mission, with the possibility of returning when this is all sorted out.

Now some may wonder why I’m going into so much detail on this. I know that my parents have told me that I don’t need to explain all the situation in detail to anyone, but I am not ashamed of being sent home early for medical reasons, even if they are psychological medical reasons. I know for a fact that my Heavenly Father is pleased with the work I performed in Brampton, Ontario these last three months. He has blessed me so much for all that I’ve done and I wouldn’t trade those three months for anything.

I’m not sure if I’m going to go back to my mission, to complete the other 21 months. I honestly don’t know. All I know is that right now, I’m where Heavenly Father needs me. I would love to go back and finish, but now it’s more important to me to follow my Father’s plan for me. For all I know, those three and a half months were all He needed me in the field for.

But even if I don’t go back, I feel as though I’ve had a full mission experience (not that I would say no to more of that experience, of course): I was able to participate in a saving ordinance for someone we’d taught (Louie). I had an amazing companion who was more amazing and charitable and loving than I could have ever expected (Elder Call). I experienced being transferred to a new area (out of Creditview and into Heart Lake) and white-washing that area (for those of you who don’t know, white-washing is when both missionaries are new in the area after a transfer). I experienced how it felt when an investigator who is so close to baptism has to delay that amazing blessing because they don’t believe they can pay tithing (Tek). For three days, while my companion was at leadership training, I even got to experience being senior companion. I experienced the efforts that go into reactivating people and families. I even got to teach a Sunday School class one week when the Ward Mission Leader was away! Not only did I have all these experiences that most missionaries have, but because of the things that happened to me, I think I may have had more interaction with my mission president in three months than some missionaries have in two years.

I have no regrets coming home. I know for a fact that my efforts have been accepted by the Lord. Seven months ago, I didn’t know if I’d ever get to serve a mission at all. Perhaps those three months I got were just Heavenly Father’s way of granting my wish, before having me move on to bigger and better things. I don’t know. Those three months mean everything to me. If it’s part of His plan, I know that there will be a time when Heavenly Father will send me out again. Until then, my mission president said to live like I’m done my mission, but work toward being able to come back.

One thing I really want to get across in this post is the same as something I said to my mom as I called her from President Brower’s office, just before leaving for the airport: This is right. There is a powerful testimony in those three words, as President Brower noted to me afterward. How amazing is that that I know that this is right? Many people have wondered, since I got home, if I’m okay. I assume it’s because many missionaries who come home early for medical reasons get depressed. That’s not me. By the time I got to the mission home on Wednesday to go to the airport with President Brower, I was at peace with this.

I know that I’m on the path of where my Father needs me to be. I have no clue what that is, but I know that He knows and He will lead me by the hand as I take each step forward into the dark. His plan is perfect and it’s by following His plan that we can and will obtain the greatest happiness.

I say these things in the sacred name of my older Brother and Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.

--Spencer

I Hope They Call Me on a Mission

Ever since returning to BYU this semester, I’ve felt a stronger desire to prepare better to serve my mission. I mentioned this in my last post, briefly, when I talked about leaving Facebook. My resolve to prepare to serve better has come as a result of many things, but mostly because of Garrett, my roommate and one of my best friends (you’ll be hearing a lot about him in my blog, I’m sure).

There was one day in particular, a day or two after Garrett disabled his Facebook account, and we got talking about why he disabled it and about other stuff. It was weird because we were off the subject of Facebook when I got the distinct impression that I had to leave Facebook too. About an hour after our conversation was over, so was my Facebook account.

It’s been really cool living with one of my best friends. We’ve figured out other random ways to prepare to serve our missions (most them being Garrett’s ideas). One thing we’ve been doing is improving our scripture study. Each morning, after having breakfast, we’ll have “companionship” scripture study. I’ve really enjoyed sharing and receiving insights about the scriptures with Garrett.

One of the coolest things we’ve done has been our weekly temple trips. Originally, I’d planned to go to the temple each Tuesday afternoon, since I don’t have classes during that time. Garrett and I discovered that neither of us had classes on Friday after eleven o’clock. So, as a result, as a general rule, me and Garrett decided to go to the temple each Friday after we were done classes. Pretty much every week since, we’ve gone to the temple after our Friday classes and almost every time we’ve missed our Friday temple trip, we make time for a Saturday temple trip. It’s just been AMAZING!!!

By now, my close friends and family know that I’ve had my papers in since January 31 (which, coincidentally, is my birthday). By normal standards, I should have had my call on February 11. Because I have Aspergers Syndrome (a form of high-functioning autism) my papers were delayed a few weeks. In that time, I’ve met with someone from LDS Family Services to have an evaluation done on my potential to effectively serve a mission, despite having Aspergers. The extra wait time was brutal.

I was super anxious for my call before I found out it’d been delayed, but then it got delayed and my feelings went beyond anxious. It bugged me that I had to wait to get my papers looked at by the mission department. It’s been years since having Aspergers has really affected me. When I told my friends at BYU that I have Aspergers, their response consistently was “I couldn’t tell.” One of my friends, whose brother has Aspergers, was really thrown off because he knew what Aspergers was like and he didn't see that in me. So, really, it bugged me that my papers were being delayed because of a problem that doesn’t affect me. Eventually, I just had to accept the wait time and be patient.

It’s still difficult, but now the endless wait is a countdown again. The counselor from LDS Family Services is done his evaluation and it’s been sent to Salt Lake City. Now I just have to wait for the mission department and the First Presidency to look it over. If all goes well, I’ll have my call in less than two weeks.

I’m really excited to almost have my call (to put it lightly). Garrett can attest to that. He was with me, last Friday, when I got the message from the guy at LDS Family Services, saying that his report about me had been mailed to Salt Lake. I was literally bouncing with excitement. It’s just too bad that I hadn’t gotten the message after we’d gone to the temple. Because I got it before we went, I was giddy about my call, all throughout being at the temple. I was able to contain myself and stay reverent, but (as I told Garrett after doing baptisms) I felt like I was a big bottle of excitement that was about to explode.

It’s because of my excitement to serve a mission and even just to receive my call that I decided to title this post after one of the songs I know that’s most applicable to me right now: “I Hope They Call Me on a Mission”.