The Beast is Alone; We Are Not

So… another Doctor Who post since I’ve been re-watching several with my pal Dalton. One that we’ve watched recently is a two-part episode “The Impossible Planet” and “The Satan Pit”.

***SPOILER ALERT HERE***

The Doctor and Rose end up on a space base on a planet that should not exist: a planet that is orbiting around a black hole. The crew of the base, out of pure human curiosity, came to the planet in order to discover how that planet could possibly stay in orbit and possibly harness that power. Things start to unravel in the space base as a being that seems to be the devil incarnate, the being from which the legend of the devil emanated from, begins to terrorize the Doctor, Rose, and the crew. He begins speaking to them and digging at their deepest fears. The crew and Rose start to panic at his taunts, but of course it’s the Doctor who brings everyone back to their senses with a speech:

“That thing is playing on very basic fears: darkness, childhood nightmares, and all that stuff … What makes his version of the truth any better than mine? Hmm? Because I’ll tell you what I can see: Humans! Brilliant humans! Humans who traveled all the way across space, flying in a tiny little rocket right into the orbit of a black hole, just for the sake of discovery! That’s amazing! Do you hear me? Amazing! All of you: the captain, his officer, his elders, his juniors, his friends. All with one advantage: the Beast is alone. We are not.”

Just like Satan would, he plays on the fears of every living being. He uses our fears until we feel utterly alone. Those are the times that I feel most vulnerable and weak. The adversary tells me that I’m alone, that I have no friends, that I am not loved, or some other twisted tale. The adversary loves to use half-truths. Yes, I may be alone at this moment. Yes, I may be having a hard day. I may have had a bad day at work. I may have failed a test (thank goodness I’m not in school right now).

But even if those things are true, what makes his version of the truth any better than God’s? The truth, the better truth, is that God loves me. God knows I am of infinite worth. God sent His Son to suffer for me because He loves me. God is my Father. God wants me to be close to Him. God cares for me. God will always do what is best for me.

I don’t know about you, but one of those stories sounds a lot nicer and happier than the other. If I focus on the negativity of Satan, darkness will fill my life, but if I will listen to the light of the Savior and to the Spirit, He will bless me with truth, comfort, and love. I’ve seen this in my life and I know it to be true. The Savior loves me and He will always be there for me.

Satan is alone. He will always be alone. He will never have a body, a family, or the experience of this mortal journey. He will never be happy. On the other hand, I have a body, I have my friends, I have my family, I have my agency, and I choose to be happy surrounded by those who love me.

CTM Reunion Fears

The day before conference I had the amazing opportunity to go up to Bountiful for my second annual mission reunion. I’m always excited to see companions (all two of them), missionaries I served around, my mission president, and his wife. However, both years I’ve also had fear. Not fear of how I’d be seen, since hardly anyone there knew me. In fact… that’s the fear I had, not being known. Being lonely. A fear that carries over into other parts of my life as well.

Fortunately, that fear was not realized at the reunion.

First, before I tell you about that fear, let me tell you about our celebrity guest: Elder M. Russell Ballard. Yup. We had an apostle at our reunion. Why? Well one reason is that he loves Toronto missionaries. And the other reason is that his daughter was our mission mom (mission president’s wife). Just a few of my notes from what Elder Ballard said to us, which would apply to any of us, no matter where or if you served: (1) We have to stand up for what’s right, even if it’s not culturally acceptable. (2) Who are you? And do you really know that? (3) John 15:13… He has called you His friend—D&C 93:45. (4) The Lord has chosen you and who are YOU to doubt Him? (5) If He were here tonight, He would call you His friend. (6) The apostles pray for you each week. (7) Nothing is as important as your testimony of the Savior.

Now for some notes from what my mission mom said… I don’t remember if she actually said this or if I just had this impression, but this is what I wrote down: “Your work was not wasted. You were not a waste in the Toronto Mission.” She was speaking of when she’d been able to speak to a group of Toronto missionaries at her father’s mission reunion and was able to tell them of how the church as grown since they were there, decades ago. However, I was also reminded of the few lives that I was able to touch while I was there.

Now words from my hero… President Brower: Continue to study Preach My Gospel. Be a Latter-day Saint; don’t just do Latter-day Saint things. Continually repent; so what if you slip up? Get up, remember where you’re going, and move on. EVERY righteous thing you do is an opportunity to be sanctified. Stay converted and PROVE it!

Instead of feeling fear and loneliness, I was fed spiritually by a member of the Quorum of the Twelve and my mission president and his wife. Besides, that it was just amazing to be there with a house full of missionaries that love Ontario just like I do. I was able to see Elder Call, my beloved trainer and the first person I could confide ANYTHING in—and he was my brother. And that was only the beginning. I was able to see so many signs of my Father’s love, just like my stars, giving me hope and peace.

A tender moment came to me when I was able to talk to Elder Olmstead, the missionary who took my place after I left Heart Lake, about the investigators that I had left with him. It was the first time I’d spoken to Elder Olmstead, other than a brief phone call just before I got to the airport on September 15, 2010. I thanked him for getting Tek and Fuman ready for baptism. I thanked him for helping Dale get the rest of the way into the fold of God. This missionary who I barely knew took care of the people I love dearly when I was broken and forced to return home.

I was also blessed to talk to one of my old zone leaders, Elder McKee. A couple weeks before, I’d briefly seen him on campus during my intense episode of depression. I was with David at the time and not in the emotional state to chat, so I very briefly waved and walked on by. He remembered that day though at the reunion. The kind spirit that he is, he made sure that I was doing okay, because he’d seen the despair on my face.

In addition to Elder Olmstead, I was also privileged to meet Elder Rumsey, the missionary that Elder Call had trained after me and Elder Olmstead. These two men would be my “brothers” in mission slang (“father” and “son” would be “trainer” and “greenie”). Somehow just the common bond I felt with them, having both served and strived with Elder Call just like I had tried my best to do. This “family reunion” hit somewhere special in my heart.

Somehow I ended up meeting a missionary there who had come home early, like me. He’d had similar fears of feeling alone and lonely. The commonality I felt with that missionary and his desire to do what is right, despite how hard it is coming home early (and it could have been SO easy to have left the church after I came home), was inspiring. Similar to my experiences with SSA, my experiences with other missionaries who have come home early has been a way of being able to find support. They understand the pain I feel when people say “Oh, you did what the Lord required” or “You’re still an RM”. They understand the pains I feel when I wonder if it would have been better for me not to go in the first place. This support system is invaluable to me.

Finally my brief one-on-one talk with President Brower… the things he said to me are too sacred to share, but I know I am so blessed to have had a mission president who cares about me, even now, over 2.5 years later. I love him and I am grateful for all he continues to do for me.

To close, I just want to close with 1 John 4:18: Perfect love (like my mission president and those missionaries showed to me) casteth out fear. And the ultimate source of that love is the Savior, Jesus Christ.

Amen.

Shame, Faith, Fear, and Joy

Another late night blog post. This one is for Alex. Tonight, he is extremely scared that his roommate has inadvertently learned about his SSA. As such, Alex is having a hard time. He’s scared to talk to his roommate about it, but he also is scared to just wait and hope for it to blow over. In the midst of that, he has been dealing with shame surrounding his SSA these last few days, which I didn’t realize.

In texting me about his fears and his shame, Alex said to me “I don’t want to deal with this! Why What awful thing did I do before this life to merit dealing with such a terrible punishment? I just want to be normal! I just want to be happy… I haven’t been truly happy for years. What does God want from me now? Sometimes I just wish God would just let me be.” My heart broke getting these texts from Alex after I left his place. I’ve been there… I think many members of the church with SSA have been there… we struggle with “Why would God give me something so controversial?” However, there is no simple answer to that question.

I don’t know why I have this attraction to men. I don’t know why the Lord gave it to me. However, there are some things I do know. Number one: If I serve God and love Him, all things will work together for my good. Number two: I know that every trial I go through will give me experience and will benefit me in the end. In may not be soon, Alex, but as you continue to follow the Lord, you will begin to see your SSA as a blessing more and as a curse less. Number three: Our purpose here in this life, and God’s purpose for sending us here, is to make us happy and give us joy. He will NEVER give us anything that is intended to cause us misery if we give it time. Yes, things are hard and we get sad and hurt sometimes, but no, we don’t have to stay that way. Number four: Jesus Christ, our Older Brother, our Savior, and our Redeemer, felt all the sadness, pain, hurt, and shame that we go through in this life. The beautiful thing about that is that He could have learned how that hurt and shame felt through the Spirit, but He chose to experience it for Himself because He loves YOU so much. He is your friend and He will never abandon you.

I wish I could formulate my words better, but it is past 1:00 AM and all I can do right now is to bear my testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. And there is no way I know better to bear testimony of it than how I have already done, by referencing scripture. The Lord loves you and that will NEVER change. To Alex, everything will be okay. To everyone else, please keep Alex in your prayers.

Horrible at Being Gay

Something that has helped me in the past little bit has been learning to laugh at myself. It’s especially helped make my same-sex attraction less scary. Instead of being a scary dragon that I have to fight on a daily basis, it’s more like a puppy that occasionally misbehaves. Like any puppy, I can get bitten sometimes, but more often I get to play with it. So, here we go:

I mentioned this story once before, but I wanted to bring it up again. Back in July, before I was very public at all with my SSA, I was driving up to a ward FHE activity with three friends: Michael, Michelle, and Shelby. At the time, Michael was the only one who knew about my SSA and we’d already gotten into the habit of joking about it. Shelby was driving, with Michelle in the passenger seat, so Michael and I were in the back seat. I can’t remember what I’d said, but something I’d said to Michael prompted this conversation:

Shelby: “Spencer, stop flirting with Michael.”

Me: (look at Michael with a grin on my face) “Don’t worry. He’s not my type.”

Michael: “Oh my gosh… moving on…”

Me: “I’m sorry, Michael. It’s not you, it’s me.”

So in the end me and Michael had a good laugh about that one (and we enjoyed Michelle’s reaction when we helped her connect the dots after I told her about my SSA).

(me and Michael after Paint Twister turned into Paint War)

***

There was also another situation recently. I was getting ready for a date (just to be clear: the date was with a girl) and I was talking to Garrett. For some strange reason, I was talking to him about the shirt I was going to wear and how it matched the shirt I was wearing underneath… I had a sudden realization:

Me: “Garrett… does talking about this shirt make me look gay?”

Honestly, since my “coming out” post, I’ve been much less concerned about hiding the little things I do that I thought would make me look gay. For example, when I getting ready for church one week, I noticed how cracked my hands were getting, so I considered putting hand lotion in my bag. Before my “coming out”, I would have been worried that a guy carrying around hand lotion in his bag would seem gay. After my “coming out”, my thought process was more like this: “What’s someone going to say? ‘Are you gay?’ I could just reply, ‘Well, I don’t like to call myself gay, but if you need a label for my sexuality, yes.’”

***

Time for another funny story: This summer, around mid-June, my ward was getting ready for a service/date auction that we were going to have for a ward activity at the beginning of July. As a result, throughout the month, the leaders in the ward had fake money to give us to bid with. After ward prayer one week, I was there with my girlfriend and Michael (both of them knew about my SSA) and this conversation ensued between me and my elders quorum president, Ben (who didn’t know about my SSA).

Me: “Hey Ben, you should give me one of those twenties.”

Ben: “Why? You already have a girlfriend.”

Me: “Well, I could bid on something else.”

Ben: (thinks for a second and hands me a twenty) “Congratulations on not being gay.”

Me, my girlfriend, and Michael: (burst out laughing to the confusion of people around us)

***

One of my other favorite situations is when I’m talking to my SSA friends. In particular, it happens a lot with one friend (let’s call him John). For years, John has had a crush on this one girl.

TIME OUT: Those of you who are confused about my friend John (a man with SSA) being attracted to a girl, let me clear up one thing: YES, a guy with SSA CAN find himself attracted to the occasional girl… HOWEVER, everyone is different… there are no set “rules” about how fluid sexuality is. Some guys with SSA are attracted to girls as much as they’re attracted to men and some are not attracted to women at all. Also, there are people on the “scale” everywhere in between.

Okay, time in and back to John: A month or so ago, I was chatting with John on Facebook about this girl he has a crush on. He was planning a date with her and he was telling me about it. At the same time, I was telling him about a girl that I have a crush on (So, yes, I am one of the guys with same-sex attraction that, given the right girl and the right day, I can be attracted to her). As we were talking, a sudden thought occurred to me, so I interrupted him:

Me: “John, we have got to be the most horrible gay guys ever!”

As time goes on, it seems to keep coming up. Every time I talk with my SSA friends and talk of girls comes up, I tell them that we’re horrible at being gay, talking about girls we find cute instead of guys.

***

Whatever your weakness… whatever your “dragon”… I invite you to think of a way to turn it into something less scary. Honestly, humor works really well for me. Maybe something else will turn your dragon into a puppy. In the meantime, remember that, all else fails, it gets better through the Atonement.

The Authentic Me

WOW! It’s been a month since my coming out post. It’s hard to believe that it’s been that long already… on the other hand, it’s hard to believe it’s only been a month. It’s certainly been an interesting month. I had two SSA missionary experiences (I’ll probably write about those later). I also had the opportunity to participate in the Voices of Hope project this past weekend. WOW! What an experience! I felt so jumbled and that my video isn’t coherent, but I guess that’s what post-production is for. I also had the opportunity to attend the conference that AMCAP (Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists) put on in Provo. Such an amazing experience! I brought Garrett and both of us were able to learn a lot.

I’ve been reflecting a bit in the last week or so of how things have changed in the past month. I’ve had some emotional episodes, but in general I feel that I’m happier. Why is that? What’s made the difference? Honestly, the answer I’ve found is authenticity. I think this point is really well said in Tyler Moore’s story “Being my True Self” in Ty Mansfield’s book “Voices of Hope”:

“As scary as increased honesty and openness have been, it has felt great not to have to carry the load by myself. So great, in fact, that I actually started to have feelings of really liking myself, something previously totally foreign to me. Initially, I associated those feelings of self-acceptance with finally accepting that I was gay, but I’ve realized over time this was naïve. I now know that the reason I started liking myself is because I was being honest and appropriately authentic, and I felt support and love from others in that authenticity.”

I can really relate to that. I’ll be honest; October 20 (when I did my “coming out”) was the scariest day of my life. Did I expect negative responses? No, not necessarily, but putting yourself out there that much gives you what some of my friends would call a “vulnerability hangover” (basically, being so emotionally drained from divulging deep personal information, making you feel vulnerable). However, as I’ve seen and heard the responses to that post, I have felt loved and respected. Like Tyler Moore said, I feel that I’ve been able to like myself more by being able to be honest about myself and not hold back details about myself. And because I like myself more (though I still struggle with that at times) I’m happier.

I’m not saying that you should be public about all of your deep dark secrets, like I’ve been with my same-sex attraction, but I invite you to think about how you can be more authentic with the people around you. Reach out when you need help, be honest with your friends and family, BE YOURSELF. Rejoice in the good that you have and work on the stuff you don’t like. And above all else, remember that through the Atonement it gets better.

I say this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

(me and Garrett as Mario and Luigi for Halloween this year)

Forward with Faith

This song is from the EFY 2000 CD. This song is called Forward with Faith (hence the title of this post). I first heard this song while I was on my mission and I love it! There are some specific words from the chorus that I love: "Fear is like the clouds that veil the Earth from the sun. Faith is like the morning rays that break when night is done. And though the fear inside me says that all my hope is gone, faith in Heaven lifts me up and shouts "I've just begun!""

For those who don't know, I am fully fledged on getting back on my mission, though I don't know exactly when or how that's going to happen. It's definitely not happening before next May (I'm going to a semester of school first) but I'm positive it's going to happen. However, sometimes the adversary will get at me and try to get me to doubt my ability to serve again. To that, my faith lifts me and shouts "I've just begun!" I still have a lot of work to do, and I'm not giving up!!! I will keep fighting until this war against sin is over!