Back to Basics: Same-Sex Attraction

Disclaimer: These “Back to Basics” posts are not meant to convert anyone who has left the church or wants to leave the church. My intent with these posts is to relay correct principles, as taught by the church, and to weed out myth, culture, and misunderstandings. For those who have honest questions and want to stay in the church, these blog posts are for you.

So my plan with these “Back to Basics” posts was to go through the missionary lessons and highlight gospel principles there first (that’s where we start investigators, after all) but since my blog has been about same-sex attraction primarily for over a decade, I decided it might be good to start there instead.

My Voices of Hope video shoot (2013)

Myths abound regarding same-sex attraction and LGBT issues. I won’t go into all of them (because they’re probably endless), but I’ll debunk a couple now by starting with truths:

• People do not choose to be gay or to be attracted to someone of the same sex.
• We do NOT know the cause of same-sex attraction. Nature or nurture? We don’t know.
• Homosexual feelings are NOT related to pedophilia.

Now that I’ve addressed what isn’t, let’s talk about what the church has actually said on the matter. For any quotes that are not directly cited, you can assume they’re from the Church’s official page regarding same-sex attraction.

The Law of Chastity

Elder M. Russell Ballard said, “Let us be clear: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints believes that ‘the experience of same-sex attraction is a complex reality for many people. The attraction itself is not a sin but acting on it is.”

“Sexual relations are reserved for a man and woman who are married and promise complete loyalty to each other.” (Gospel Topics) Therefore, acting against the Law of Chastity, heterosexually or homosexually, would be considered sinful. However, we all make mistakes, so it’s important to remember repentance. “People of any sexual orientation who violate the law of chastity can be reconciled with God through repentance. As followers of Christ, we resist immoral behavior and strive to become like Him.” (Gospel Topics) I take comfort in that.. Regardless of my mistakes, I can do better and strive to become like Jesus Christ.

My wedding day (2017)

Another important thing to mention: Heterosexual marriage should NEVER be used as a way to “fix” same-sex attraction. Men and women have tried that for decades with heartbreaking results. That being said, I’ve seen others, who were seemingly exclusive in their attractions to the same sex, marry in the temple to an eternal companion they love. And those marriages are beautiful as they’re “founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ” and “maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.” (The Family)

We Don’t Know What Causes Same-Sex Attraction
“Born that way” is a trendy way to describe the source of homosexual feelings. However, there’s no evidence to support that it’s inherent. We also know, as mentioned above, that same-sex attraction isn’t a choice (why would someone choose to live a harder life fraught with discrimination and misunderstanding?). Elder Dallin H. Oaks said, “The Church does not have a position on the causes of any of these susceptibilities or inclinations, including those related to same-gender attraction.” My personal opinion, the answer must be somewhere in the middle of nature and nurture. After all, sexuality has been known to be fluid. That’s why you get jokes in sitcoms about women “experimenting in college”. 

What does that mean for us? Honestly, it doesn’t mean anything to me. I know many people who get hung up on whether they’re born that way or whether it’s caused by abuse or other childhood experiences. It doesn’t matter though, as far as the gospel path is concerned. Even if you’re born gay, the Law of Chastity is still the Law of Chastity. It doesn’t change anything; according to gospel teachings, we’re still commanded to live a chaste life. Related concept: “The intensity of your attractions may not be in your control; however, you can choose how to respond.”

The Plan of Salvation is for You
Too many times have I heard SSA friends make remarks regarding their placement in the eternities. Too many comments implying that they’re destined for the Telestial Kingdom or to be ministering angels for all eternity. I’m sure I’ll get into this more when I do a post about the Plan of Salvation, but let’s address it a little bit here too.

First of all, baptism is the gate to the Celestial Kingdom. President Joseph Fielding Smith said, regarding the Kingdoms of Glory.” From that quote we understand that anyone (regardless of marital status) can enter the Celestial Kingdom if they accept baptism and strive to keep the associated covenants. Period. It’s not more complex than that.

And just remember how shockingly little we know about the afterlife. We know the basics of the Spirit World, the Judgment, and the Kingdoms of Glory. But what we don’t know is so little compared to what (after)life will be like.

Because of Jesus Christ, there's a place for us all

No Blessing will be Denied the Faithful.
Similar to my previous point, I’ve had friends comment that their lack of desire to get married will hinder their progress in the Celestial Kingdom, keeping them from exaltation. They’ll cite scripture like Alma 34 to assert that because they have no desire to marry, they won’t marry… except that scripture is about repentance (agency), not desires.

In contrast, Howard W. Hunter said, “No blessing, including that of eternal marriage and an eternal family, will be denied to any worthy individual. While it may take somewhat longer—perhaps even beyond this mortal life—for some to achieve this blessing, it will not be denied.” I will assert my belief and my trust in God’s mercy. I believe that as long as we strive for the Celestial Kingdom and to live its divine laws, we will be successful.

You Have a Place in the Church
I feel out of place in many aspects of life for many reasons, few of which are relevant to SSA. But even when I’m having a depressive day and I wish I weren’t at church, there’s a place for me there. From the church’s SSA page, “[LGBT individuals] can make and keep covenants with God and fully and worthily participate in the Church.”

Connected to this principle is repentance again. I know many who feel they are too far gone or, out of desperation, they’ll act out to try to salvage their mental health. But you’re never too far gone; even as you're still working through the repentance process, there's a place for you with us. “If we give in to sexual temptations and violate the law of chastity, we can repent, be forgiven, and participate in full fellowship in the Church.” (Gospel Topics)

Read also:
“Helping Those Who Struggle with Same-Gender Attraction” by Jeffrey R. Holland
“Behold Thy Mother” by Jeffrey R. Holland

Hill Cumorah Pageant (2014)

2022: Year in Review

Back when I was actually writing on this blog consistently(ish), I had tried to continue a family tradition of reflecting on the previous year and look ahead into the new year. So now, five years since the last time I did this, I'm back at it again.

Neatest Place You were in 2022

We didn't go a lot of places this year, thanks to working off some loans from physical therapy school. However we did make it up to Oklahoma with my wife's family. It's the second year we've gone and I had more fun this year than last. Always a blessing to see my little girl with her cousins.

Biggest Surprise of the Year

I'm not sure if it was the "biggest" surprise but it's had some long lasting consequences.  In June, I was transferred to the other clinic to replace someone. So learning to adapt to another clinic (even in the same company) was a stretch. I'm pleased to report I have adapted and I think I've grown from it too.

Best Movie/TV Show You Watched

I've narrowed it to my top three. Although many people didn't like it, I loved She-Hulk (except for part of the finale, which I talk about here). It was a breath of fresh air from normal Marvel content. There was also the Obi-Wan Kenobi series, beautifully returning us to Ewan McGregor's character and illustrating the trauma Obi-Wan had to deal with as he tried to hide out as "Ben". Lastly, I finally got into Star Trek with Strange New Worlds. It was a good beginner series for Star Trek and I'm sure it made my trekkie father proud.

Saddest Day/Time in 2022

My parents came to visit us in Texas for a week and a half this summer. It was wonderful to see my little girl playing with Gramma and Papa. One of the nice things about living in Texas is that we get my parents all to ourselves. They even got to babysit while Caren and I went to our full anatomy ultrasound. Sometimes we'll still get chatter of "Gramma n' Papa's camper". So as wonderful as their visit was, their departure was that much sadder. It's always hard to say goodbye to loved ones, so I don't think it would be an exaggeration to say that goodbye was among the saddest days of the year.

Happiest Day/Time in 2022

In June, there was a day that I was at work and Caren called me with our pregnancy test blood work results. With the happy news on my mind, I was pretty much bouncing around the clinic for the rest of the day! Can't get much happier than that!

Best Book/Magazine You’ve Read

My friend Preston Jenkins (referenced in a General Conference talk by Elder Holland) wrote a book about his experience with his missionary service and his same-sex attraction (sound familiar?). Because of the similarities in our stories, particularly with coming home early from our missions, this book nearly brought me to tears more than once. I had to be careful listening to the audiobook too close to work. And then I got a hard-copy of the book for Christmas! Here's the Amazon link if you're interested. Also check out Preston's Voices of Hope video and his podcast (though he's currently on hiatus with the podcast).

Things you will remember from the news

If you know me, you'll know I avoid the news (they just catastrophize everything... hard to trust them). The news of Jason David Frank passing broke my heart though. For those who don't remember him, he was the original green Power Ranger. What's worse than his passing is the possibility that it was suicide (I didn't hear whether that was ever confirmed or not). I wrote a tribute to JDF for LDS Geeks, but I just want to say here that I detest suicide. It doesn't make anything better. So if you're struggling with thoughts of self-harm or suicide, tell someone. Please open up.

Favorite Talk in Church/Conference

April 2022 had some wonderful talks about missionary work. To be honest, they were triggering for me, after my experiences on my mission. And the comments online about the "expectations" to serve a mission, even more of a trigger, but I stand by the words of President Nelson and President Ballard. To read more about my thoughts regarding the April 2022 talks, check out what I wrote on LDS Geeks.

What would you like to do in 2023?

Baby girl coming later this month or in February (duh). But besides the obvious, pending finances, maybe a trip to Utah? We might be taking another trip to Oklahoma this summer. Mostly I'm just excited for family and friends to visit for baby girl's blessing in a few months.

Joy to the World

Joy to the world! the Lord is come;

Let Earth receive her King;

Let every heart prepare him room,

And heaven and nature sing,

And heaven and nature sing,

And heaven, and heaven, and nature sing.

Last time I wrote here, I said “I’m staying”. This time I wanted to share one of the reasons why. 

In speaking to the youth in my ward recently, I shared about my experiences and beliefs about myself because of my SSA. I thought the only feasible route to be happy would be to leave the covenant path. But I learned that my testimony and the Spirit brought me too much peace and joy to leave behind. So I’m staying because of the joy the gospel brings.  

One of the times I feel that joy more strongly is leading up to Christmas. The holiday season is a time when people are thinking about the Savior, even if they don’t realize it or believe it. The spirit of Christmas is the joy I receive from bearing my testimony and living the gospel. 

I’m not sure how Christmas will be for me on a budget (I’m not getting any new toys) but I get to experience the joy of my daughter’s Christmas. To find joy in simple or mundane things is so childlike, something we’re instructed to become. Through the atonement and covenants we make, we can become childlike again and feel the joy Heavenly Father offers us. 

This Christmas season I’m grateful for the gift of the atonement. The gift of repentance. The gift of divine transformation. I’m not who I was and that’s good. I hope He continues to transform me so that I can let in more joy that I know He wants to share with me. 

Rejoice! Rejoice when Jesus reigns,

And Saints their songs employ,

While fields and floods, rocks, hills, and plains

Repeat the sounding joy,

Repeat the sounding joy,

Repeat, repeat the sounding joy. 

I'm Still Here and I'm Staying

Does anyone still follow my blog or check my posts? In the past few years, I felt less need write about matters relating to same-sex attraction, and after joining the team of Mormon Geeks (now called Latter-Day Saint Geeks), my gospel writing kind of went there. But, hi! I’m still alive! 

That being said, I had to say something. I've seen posts on social media regarding BYU, For the Strength of Youth, etc.; and I just feel like I have more to say regarding the gospel, my testimony, and the covenants I've made. There’s more missionary work to be done within the Church regarding same-sex attraction.

To be clear; what I have to say in this and future posts isn't intended for those who have left the Church or even for those who are questioning their testimonies. If you fall into that category, I hope you can still find something positive and uplifting from what I say, even if it doesn't apply to you. What I have to say is for those who are trying with all their hearts to stay in the Church, despite their doubts and questions.

October 2022 was ten years since my initial "coming out" blog post. I wanted to do a big ole blog post to commemorate that crazy milestone. Unfortunately, life happened and the anniversary passed. In the process of it all, I read some of my old blog posts from the past ten years. Being 10 years more mature now, I expected to feel super cringey reading my old stuff. Yes, there was definitely some cringe, but my testimony has only grown. And I stand by what I've said, though I could articulate it better now.

So what’s the point?

The point is simple: I'm staying.

When I was in New York a few years ago, my friends and I saw a Harry Potter parody play called "Puffs". During the Battle of Hogwarts, our beloved Hufflepuffs nearly ran out of the castle because they didn't think they were good enough to fight the Death Eaters. But Leanne, possibly the biggest "Puff" of them all, declared that despite their shortcomings, she was staying. And one by one they began sounding off: "I'm a Puff and I'm staying."

If the Puffs can stand up against Death Eaters, I can stand by my testimony. So here I am: I'm a Puff and I'm staying! And to anyone else who’s staying, I hope my experiences and future blog posts can help strengthen you.

"I'm a Puff and I'm staying."

I'm Not Finished Yet

One year ago I "came out of the closet". For a while I've been thinking about what I could write about in honor of this one year anniversary. This is what I came up with...

This past month, I did my re-shoot for my Voices of Hope video. As I prepped, I had my trepidations. Was I ready? If not, when would I be? Wouldn't it be better to wait until I had a "happy ending" and I was able to film my video alongside a beautiful woman?

As I thought about how nice it would be to doing my video with my wife, I remembered something that Ty told me last year when I met him at my original Voices of Hope shoot in November. I hadn't been sure if said everything that I'd wanted to in my video. Ty mentioned to me that he'd had similar feelings after writing "In Quiet Desperation". When he had written that, he wasn't married. In fact, he still wasn't sure he'd ever get married. Now, years later he is married and he has two kids.

Even just since I came out last year, so much has happened. I filmed my Voices if Hope video in November, I moved to the Foreign Language Student Residence (FLSR) for a semester, I changed my major (again), I went to Journey into Manhood, and I did my re-shoot for my Voices of Hope video last month. I did all these things and I've done more too.

The great thing for me to realize is that there's more to come. I'm not finished yet. I have a lot to look forward to: marriage (whenever that happens), my own family, making more new friends, and learning more and more things in school (I've got 2.5 years left after all).

In fact, how sad would it be if I was "ready" for my video? At least by my former definition of "ready" (married, family, and completely perfect), that would make life kind of boring. I have so much to look forward to right now because I'm not finished yet.

There is always more good to come!

Like a Litter of Puppies

Taking a short break from my homework to reflect on my Voices of Hope shoot this past weekend.

So a little more about why they decided to re-do my shoot. From the word of the producer himself (Kerry Harding) apparently I looked depressed in my original shoot, like my “dog had just died”. Talking about hope and the Atonement, but looking depressed, they decided to have me re-do the video.

Fair enough, I figured. Actually, I was pretty excited. When Ty first mentioned to me that they wanted me to re-shoot my video, I was relieved. I did my original shoot in November and it was fine. I felt like I was in a good place and I think I was, after I’d come out and had such good responses to it. However, in the months that followed I felt like I fell apart emotionally in many ways. After all the work it took to get myself back together (including going to my Journey Into Manhood weekend), I had actually been thinking that I wished I could re-do my video, having learned so much in the months following my shoot.

I got my wish! And this past Sunday was GREAT! I got to the house where we were filming and I was nervous! I don’t really get nervous. Well, that’s a lie. I get nervous, but it never hits until a few hours before. At the earliest, I get nervous earlier the day of a big event. I was too busy being excited to be nervous about my shoot. It wasn’t until I was about an hour and a half away from the shoot that the anxiety hit and I was looking through my notes, sure that I would forget to say something that I wanted to. I felt like I was cramming for a test, even though the “test” was on my life. What did I need to study for?

Shortly before the shoot, I got a blessing from Garrett, who came to support me. As the shoot before mine ended, we hung out with some of the people who had been in the room for that shoot (including Kerry, Ty, and some of the crew). Finally the camera was ready for my shoot. They got me wired up with a microphone and into the chair. As I got going, telling my story to Ty (he was my point-man, the person I talked to, in order to give me somewhere to look), it just came. Things that I had intended to say came easily, things that I had hadn’t planned to say came up, and other things I had planned to say felt unimportant.

I got to testify of the Atonement, the love of God, and the purpose of the trials in my life. At one point I think I started crying. I felt the Spirit testify of what I was doing. A lot of my story had to do more with my mission than with my SSA, but it was all told anyway. Afterwards, Kerry Harding, in contrast to what he’d said about my last shoot, said that this one seemed more like my dog “had had a litter of puppies” (for the record, I don’t have a dog, but I decided not to tell Kerry that).

I’m very excited for it to be released, but as it was just recorded, it’ll be a while. I don’t know how long, but in the meantime there are plenty of other videos already released for me to watch, re-watch, and draw strength from. As such, my next post will probably be another Voices of Hope post (since I haven’t done one in a while). Until then, whoever you are, reader, I want you to know that you are infinitely loved of God and no matter what you do that will never change.

Pre-Reshoot (Voices of Hope)

Voices of Hope essay. Done. Sent.

After several edits and revisions (thank you to my parents and my friends who proofed it for me). Now that that's done, I can prepare for my re-shoot this coming weekend (for anyone I didn't tell, they wanted to re-do my video after I did my essay).

I'm grateful for the opportunity I had to write that essay. Fifteen pages from my heart. It was an amazing experience to review my journey, from my earliest memories of same-sex attraction, through the struggles of addiction and shame, and to where I am now. I'm not perfect, but I am a lot better than I used to be. Even compared to when I did my original shoot, I'm better. I've grown. And generally speaking, I'm happier.

With Ty Mansfield after my original shoot

I look forward to being able to do my re-shoot for my Voices if Hope video. I'm grateful that I have this opportunity to re-do it, having learned and grown a lot since my original shoot in November. I've been through a lot, including my semester living in the FLSR (BYU's foreign language housing), my therapeutic work, and my time at and since JiM.

I know that my Redeemer lives. I have learned a lot about what it means to be redeemed and what the Atonement can do for me. I know that He is looking out for me. I am grateful for the community that I have found and the unity and brotherhood that I have found there. I never expected that I could have the friends that I do and I never expected that I could feel such distinct feelings if joy.

Even more now than when this started, I know that through the Atonement it (life, struggles, etc.) gets better.

August 13

Written August 13, 2013

Transcribed August 24, 2013

I’m sitting on the lido deck of the Carnival Conquest cruise ship as I write this. I just got done playing mini-golf with my two sisters-in-law, my little brother, and one of my nephews, the whole time holding my baby nephew (and I did a pretty good job for mini-golfing one-handed).

According to my journal, today is one year since I first started reading Voices of Hope, after having had it recommended to me for months. Little did I know when I opened that book for the first time, I would soon be joining those men and women. One year ago today, I had the prompting that ended up changing my life on October 20.

I’ve learned a lot since then. And I wanted to share a little of that:

1.      It’s okay to love

2.      It’s okay to be loved.

3.      I need to love myself.

4.      I need guy time every once and a while.

5.      Nothing can compensate for lost sleep.

6.      Sometimes a good night’s slight can fix everything (or at least put it back in perspective).

7.      Physical touch doesn’t have to be sexual.

8.      Physical touch can easily turn sexual.

9.      A good hug can put my crises in the proper perspective.

10.  Having a best friend who tries to understand SSA is invaluable.

11.  Emotions are not good or bad; they just are.

12.  Forgiveness is always possible, for me and for others.

13.  Love is always the answer, even if it’s tough love.

14.  Priesthood leaders are not perfect.

15.  Imperfect priesthood leaders are not a good reason for me to leave the church.

16.  A talk with a kind priesthood leader can change my mood completely.

17.  God can take it when I need to express anger with Him.

18.  Someone saying something ignorant or stupid doesn’t mean they don’t love me.

19.  The only person I can control is me.

20.  Trying to control others is exhausting and pointless.

21.  God can make good use out of a bad decision.

Those are just the lessons that came to mind today. I’ve been blessed to learn these lessons, and many others, during this past year. It hasn’t been easy (in fact some parts of it have been my own personal hell) but I can see how it’s helped me grow.

Miracle Day

Three years ago late tonight/early tomorrow morning, I told Elder Call about my SSA. It was the first time I'd ever told anyone and it was the first time I really accepted it myself. My life has changed so much since then. At that point, I had no idea I'd be completely out and public. The idea of that would have been too scary.

The two of us, Elder Call and I, dubbed today and tomorrow "Miracle Day" because of the miracle that occurred that night.

I am full of gratitude today for that conversation we had and the ensuing miracle, a prompting from the Spirit telling me it was safe to trust Elder Call with what was then my deepest darkest secret.

I am full if gratitude for all the support you give me as my friends and as my readers. I would not have the strength to keep writing if it wasn't for you.

PS: Look forward to a guest post by Elder Call in the near future to commemorate Miracle Day

"What do you need to tell me, Spencer?" (by Garrett)

Earlier that night... (in Niagara Falls, Ontario)

That’s what I said, and how he came out to me, a year ago today.

In one day I realized that social issues aren’t simply articles read or watched online; they are the stories and struggles of people you know and care about.

A year of knowing is a year of affirming Christ’s universal Atonement and universal blessings.

A year of knowing is a year of seeing how vague, general statements almost never fit with individual people, especially when those people cross two very contradictory stereotypes. What a tragedy to make a multi-dimensional person into a 2-D object.

A year of knowing is a year of being thanked and admired by strangers from Spencer's support groups. On one hand I appreciated all the thanks, but on the other, it sobered me. Their tone of voice indicated again and again that this was the first time they had seen someone simply be a straight friend.

A friend is the most powerful ordinary thing. 

In that year I made new friends, and kept old ones, and performed the balancing act that young, inexperienced, college guys perform. I worked 8 hours a day when I wasn’t in school, went on dates, read books, looked up funny cat pictures on the Internet, and had fun with my best friend who has same-sex attraction.

I attended firesides and made other friends in similar situations to Spencer's. I heard their stories and read how they lived faithfully to the covenants they made in the Church. And I learned lessons from those firesides good enough to put in my journal, such as the following:

When we let our bias do the talking, we end up “classifying” others, and in effect we put a gag on their voice before they even can speak up for themselves. We should instead let them own themselves, and let them liberate themselves from the chains of skewed thinking.

Out of all the roles we will play, a friend is one of the most crucial we can be. And now more than ever I can see why. There are too many people struggling with this, and too few "straight friends" that are stepping up. In that year I saw more than ever how we need those powerful, ordinary things--understanding, empathy, and friendship.

So here marks a year of accepting 100% of a person, 100% of a friend. Here’s to a year of being powerful, ordinary people.

Journey into Manhood

Hugs. Tears. Goodbyes. After two days of intense emotional work and mental processes, I got in the car with the two men I was driving with and, for the first time in two days, I checked my phone for the time. Literally the first time. For the 48 hours previous, we’d had no phones, no watches, nothing electronic (other than perhaps a flashlight). 48 hours of seclusion from the outside world. 48 hours of work. 48 hours of betterment. 48 hours called Journey into Manhood.

I arrived at a camp in the mountains in the Salt Lake City area along with the two other men in my car. The three of us, along with about 30 other “journeyers”, had hit a point in our lives where we felt stuck, complacent, unproductive, etc. As it is advertised as a healing weekend for men who want to deal with unwanted same-sex attraction, most men who attend Journey into Manhood (JiM) have SSA. However, I’ve known men who are completely straight to go as well. It’s because very little of the exercises and processes during the weekend pertain directly to same-sex attraction.

Every person has scars. Every person has wounds. And in my opinion, every person in the world could use therapy to some degree to resolve those wounds (if you disagree and don’t think you have wounds, I’m happy for you, but in my experience most (if not all) people have some weight that they’re carrying).

Because of the confidentiality agreement that I signed when I went to JiM, I can’t divulge any of the specific processes we did, but I do want to share what the weekend did for me:

My "Golden Boy" (first day of first grade)

For months now, I have been aware of my previously unconscious belief that I was unlovable. This belief grew out of years of being teased, excluded, and abandoned by peers. Eventually I became conditioned to believe that each friend, each classmate, each acquaintance would abandon me and/or toss me aside as I’d experienced in the past. At JiM, I had a chance to look very deeply at the shadowy parts of myself and could very easily reaffirm those negative beliefs about myself. However, that was also contrasted with exercises that helped me see my strengths, my good qualities, the golden parts of me that make me a person that people like. More importantly than that, they showed me why I should like myself. For so many of us, it was the first time in years that we had seen a glimpse of the little golden boys we’d been before we began to be scarred, wounded, and disillusioned to the world. I used to be confident, I used to be adventurous, I used to be outgoing, and I used to love myself. Having seen a glimpse of that boy who used to be all those things, I was reminded that he’s still there… and I can be him again: confident, brave, loving, etc.

When I first joined North Star in May 2012 (wow, it’s been over a year!) and started attending my Evergreen group the next month, the thing that blew me away and helped me the most was realizing that I wasn’t alone. That feeling has come and gone over the past year, some days feeling lonelier than others, but being at JiM with 31 other men who were willing to work through issues that were holding them back in life (wounds from abuse, bullying, dysfunctional family life, etc.), I felt connected, blessed, and accepted. And this joyful feeling was common among the men there. Some of them, it was the first time in their lives that they had ever felt like that.

By the end of the weekend, I felt energized. I got in the car at 5:50pm and “officially” re-entered reality, I was on a high. The best thing I can compare it to would be when I went to EFY as a youth… but even more so. I was able to connect to my God that weekend… and I think a lot of it had to do with coming to believe to a greater extent that I was worth His time. Those 48 hours were not the end to my problems. I have a lot more emotional work and processing to do before they’ll be done (and they’ll never be done in this life, I expect).  However, I feel that JiM has given me the tools to do that work and the brothers I need to help me with my work.

Now, here’s my plug for JiM (and this goes to men who deal with SSA and those who do not): If you have scars and issues from your past that hold you back from being the whole man that you want to be, I recommend looking into it. I’m not going to be the guy who insists that every man on North Star should go to JiM or that every man needs to… but if you are considering it, I say go! You won’t regret it! It changed how I look at myself and at others and it’s in that way that life gets better, by changing me, even if “change” never means becoming straight.

Celebrity Guest Post #4

*I know many of my non-christian friends might be very confused by how Christians view homosexuality. I wrote this post to a primarily mormon audience and did not defend or address the "why" of our opposition to homosexual marriage or intimacy. If you have any questions, facebook me or email me at ianbaen@gmail.com.*

A few months ago, I told my father that every Friday night I attended a support group for Latter-day saints who experience same gender attraction (SGA). Now, I do attend the group, but I don't experience SGA. I just wanted to see what he would say (and in case your curious, he did handle it very well).

I met Spencer on the last night of our missionary service in Ontario, and have kept in touch since. In August, Spencer told me about his SGA  and, in September, he asked if I would become an advisor to the group I referred to above. These meetings quickly became the most educational and enlightening part of my week.

The group is not affiliated with the church, but the group is founded upon church teachings. It is a place for LDS with SGA who want to live church standards to come and support one another. The role of an advisor is to make sure that the content of the meeting is inline with church doctrine and that inappropriate relationships do not form within group membership. Meetings start with a hymn, prayer, and a lesson. The final hour to hour and a half is reserved for sharing time. Sharing time is time allotted for members of the group to share whatever they want to share. I have heard experiences about everything from pornography addiction, familial abuse, suicide, depression, and intense feelings of lack of self-worth to stories of healing, self-acceptance, deep familial love, and incredible spiritual experiences.

I will share only three of the lessons and stories that highlighted my experience at the group. I choose to share only a small portion of what I could because I can't imagine anyone has a great attention span for the quality of writing a computer science major produces. Oh, and also I told Spencer that I would have this done in February.

No Greater Struggle.
I'm not sure I personally know of a greater struggle than to be a lifelong active mormon and be gay. A short story told by a member of the group illustrated that to me. Gavin (obviously not his real name) told us of the moment when he felt his mother came to understand some of his struggle. One day, he and his mother were in the kitchen talking. His mother mentioned that she never understood how people could call living the gospel a "sacrifice", because every time that a person does something good they are blessed. Gavin then broke into tears and said, "Mom, because of my belief in this gospel, I am going to have to be alone for the rest of my life." I wish I could adequately communicate that moment.

I am not going to try to expand further why this is such an immense trial, but instead challenge you to take a second and ask yourself, "What would that life be like?"

To The Core.
Many of difficulties discussed in the group are far from unique to gay Latter-day Saints. Many in the group fight an extreme lack of self-confidence and lack of self-worth. Your immediate thought to that statement was probably, "That is because their entire lives they have been told that homosexuality is weird, strange, or wrong. They, therefore, deep down think that they are weird, strange, or wrong." I think there is a lot more to it than that; I unfortunately just don't know what.

I wish I could give everyone in that group (and everyone else for that matter) a deep sense of their value. I love the members of that group so much. I wish they could see their own strength, humility, and how amazing they are. They motivate me to be better and to really find happiness in life (the church pounds into our heads that marriage is the source of ultimate mortal happiness, as I think it is. But having to contemplate with them a life without marriage, I have asked myself regularly "Who would I have to be to find deep long-term happiness without marriage?" When I consider that question with a sense of reality, I don't know if I have a good answer). The group has taught me that I can't be really happy until I love myself.

God 
If anyone ever tells you that God doesn't love homosexuals, politely tell them they are absolutely wrong (I had a harsher rebuke, involving words such as "inbred", but my proof reader/dad recommended I not be so mean).

I have only guesses to why such powerful homosexual feelings exist, and yet acting on them is considered sinful. I do not know why God picked certain spirits for certain bodies and trials.

But this I do know, God loves them so much. I have heard their spiritual experiences and have profoundly felt the spirit as they have shared their struggles. In their struggles, God has far from abandoned them.

Knowest thou the condescension of God?
I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.