Joy to the World

Joy to the world! the Lord is come;

Let Earth receive her King;

Let every heart prepare him room,

And heaven and nature sing,

And heaven and nature sing,

And heaven, and heaven, and nature sing.

Last time I wrote here, I said “I’m staying”. This time I wanted to share one of the reasons why. 

In speaking to the youth in my ward recently, I shared about my experiences and beliefs about myself because of my SSA. I thought the only feasible route to be happy would be to leave the covenant path. But I learned that my testimony and the Spirit brought me too much peace and joy to leave behind. So I’m staying because of the joy the gospel brings.  

One of the times I feel that joy more strongly is leading up to Christmas. The holiday season is a time when people are thinking about the Savior, even if they don’t realize it or believe it. The spirit of Christmas is the joy I receive from bearing my testimony and living the gospel. 

I’m not sure how Christmas will be for me on a budget (I’m not getting any new toys) but I get to experience the joy of my daughter’s Christmas. To find joy in simple or mundane things is so childlike, something we’re instructed to become. Through the atonement and covenants we make, we can become childlike again and feel the joy Heavenly Father offers us. 

This Christmas season I’m grateful for the gift of the atonement. The gift of repentance. The gift of divine transformation. I’m not who I was and that’s good. I hope He continues to transform me so that I can let in more joy that I know He wants to share with me. 

Rejoice! Rejoice when Jesus reigns,

And Saints their songs employ,

While fields and floods, rocks, hills, and plains

Repeat the sounding joy,

Repeat the sounding joy,

Repeat, repeat the sounding joy. 

The Beast is Alone; We Are Not

So… another Doctor Who post since I’ve been re-watching several with my pal Dalton. One that we’ve watched recently is a two-part episode “The Impossible Planet” and “The Satan Pit”.

***SPOILER ALERT HERE***

The Doctor and Rose end up on a space base on a planet that should not exist: a planet that is orbiting around a black hole. The crew of the base, out of pure human curiosity, came to the planet in order to discover how that planet could possibly stay in orbit and possibly harness that power. Things start to unravel in the space base as a being that seems to be the devil incarnate, the being from which the legend of the devil emanated from, begins to terrorize the Doctor, Rose, and the crew. He begins speaking to them and digging at their deepest fears. The crew and Rose start to panic at his taunts, but of course it’s the Doctor who brings everyone back to their senses with a speech:

“That thing is playing on very basic fears: darkness, childhood nightmares, and all that stuff … What makes his version of the truth any better than mine? Hmm? Because I’ll tell you what I can see: Humans! Brilliant humans! Humans who traveled all the way across space, flying in a tiny little rocket right into the orbit of a black hole, just for the sake of discovery! That’s amazing! Do you hear me? Amazing! All of you: the captain, his officer, his elders, his juniors, his friends. All with one advantage: the Beast is alone. We are not.”

Just like Satan would, he plays on the fears of every living being. He uses our fears until we feel utterly alone. Those are the times that I feel most vulnerable and weak. The adversary tells me that I’m alone, that I have no friends, that I am not loved, or some other twisted tale. The adversary loves to use half-truths. Yes, I may be alone at this moment. Yes, I may be having a hard day. I may have had a bad day at work. I may have failed a test (thank goodness I’m not in school right now).

But even if those things are true, what makes his version of the truth any better than God’s? The truth, the better truth, is that God loves me. God knows I am of infinite worth. God sent His Son to suffer for me because He loves me. God is my Father. God wants me to be close to Him. God cares for me. God will always do what is best for me.

I don’t know about you, but one of those stories sounds a lot nicer and happier than the other. If I focus on the negativity of Satan, darkness will fill my life, but if I will listen to the light of the Savior and to the Spirit, He will bless me with truth, comfort, and love. I’ve seen this in my life and I know it to be true. The Savior loves me and He will always be there for me.

Satan is alone. He will always be alone. He will never have a body, a family, or the experience of this mortal journey. He will never be happy. On the other hand, I have a body, I have my friends, I have my family, I have my agency, and I choose to be happy surrounded by those who love me.

Your Happy Ending

Sometimes I look back at the past few years (pretty much all the way back to when I came home from Toronto, I suppose) and just marvel at all of what has happened. All of the good. All of the bad. A lot of it has been messy, but a lot of it has been miraculous as well. When I graduated from high school, I would have never guessed that I would have told ANYONE about my SSA (never mind putting it on Facebook). I would have never guessed I would go through the trials I’ve gone through.

**SPOILER ALERT FOR ONCE UPON A TIME FANS**

"Your happy ending may not be what you expect..."

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a fan of ABC’s show “Once Upon a Time.” Their mid-season finale “Going Home” was great, in my opinion (you can argue that if you want, but I’m not up for arguing opinion). For those who are unfamiliar with the show, each episode is split into two storylines: present-day action and flashbacks. Usually the flashbacks tell one story from start to finish. The mid-season finale was different; each flashback was completely separate from the others. However, they had a common theme: finding a “happy ending.”

Each character had something different for their flashback. Snow White and Prince Charming’s flashback talks about finding the hope of a happy ending, even if it wasn’t the one that they expected. Captain Hook’s flashback has to do with his alternative to a happy ending: revenge. In Rumpelstiltskin’s flashback he says that his ending will not be a happy one. All of these have their own point to make, but I want to focus on the last flashback: Henry’s. In Henry’s flashback he is given his storybook by his teacher, Miss Blanchard/Snow White. Henry is becoming aware of the oddities in their town and is becoming depressed. Miss Blanchard gives him the storybook to give him hope of a happy ending. One quote of hers in particular I want to mention: “Your happy ending may not be what you expect, but that is what will make it so special.”

This quote rings true with me. I am far from my happy ending, but what I had once thought would be my “happy ending” (serving a two-year mission, getting  married, and becoming a dad) is not what I got or what I may get. I didn’t get to serve for two years. I’m not married (I’ve only ever briefly had one girlfriend) and I don’t know when that will happen (I do believe it will happen… but maybe not as quick as I want). My happy ending is a perfect family life, but that’s not going to happen. It’s part of mortality to struggle, to whatever extent, throughout life. I believe that it’s through struggle that we grow and become more like Christ.

My happy ending has not been what I expected, but the “happy ending” I’ve had so far has been special… Had I not come home from Toronto, I wouldn’t have met Eric, Justin, or many others. My experiences have helped me grow, bond with others, and become a strong man with a stronger faith. If it was not for my loneliness growing up, I would not appreciate my friends that I have now that have become my brothers and sisters.

3 years after I went into the MTC my little brother went in

I am grateful for my “happy ending.” However, I’m not done yet. I still have many great things to come. I still have a true love to find and a family to have. I have an undergraduate degree to finish. I have weaknesses and insecurities to work on. My happy ending isn’t here yet, but that’s the fun part. I still have great and hard things to do. And I can do hard things.

What I'd Tell Her

It’s really been six months? It’s hard to believe that six months ago I put myself out there, wrote that initial blog post about my sexuality, and shared it on Facebook. I wanted to do something special for my six-month post and it finally came to me as I was on the way back from a North Star guys’ night last weekend.

While driving back with David and another North Star friend, I was reminded of an experience I had while I was still in Toronto… in the very late night of August 20 or the very early morning of August 21, 2010, I told Elder Call about my SSA. In the evening of August 21 I think it was, this experience happened: some members from the Heart Lake ward asked us to take some clothes to the thrift store for them, so we did. As we were dropping them off, Elder Call started talking to the girl that we gave them too. As he started talk to this girl about God, she responded by telling us that she hated God, because He’d made her gay.

With my coming out experience so fresh in my mind, having happened less than 24 hours before, I was emotionally vulnerable and I really felt for this girl who felt betrayed and abandoned by God. I wanted to be able to tell her that I knew how she felt. I wanted to be able to assure her of God’s love for her… but being so early on my own journey, I didn’t know what to say and I didn’t have the emotional stamina to be completely authentic with her either.

Looking back on the experience recently, I took myself back in my mind… If I could go back to that day at that thrift store with the assurance I have now and with the things I have learned and experienced in the past (almost) three years, what would I tell her? This list is only a beginning of the things I’ve learned and experienced… but this is what I’d like to tell her (and I’m going to write it as though I’m talking to her).

• “God loves you! You don’t have to stop being attracted to other women to earn His love. He loves you now as you are. He longs for you to follow Him, but no matter what you feel or what you do, He will always love you.”
• “Being attracted to women does NOT mean that God hates you or that He has abandoned you. He gave you this experience because He loves you.”
• “You might feel abandoned at times… and at times I feel like I’m abandoned for days or weeks on end… but He will never abandon you.”
• “Sometimes it’s easy to feel anger toward God because of the trials that we have, and at times SSA is a beast of a trial, but like any trial, it can bring you closer to God.”
• “The Atonement of Jesus Christ can help you! Though it may not take the SSA away at once or ever in this life, you can find comfort and peace through it.”
• “You can be happy. No matter what trials you have in life, you can be happy. Whether you like being gay or not, you can be happy. Happiness is a choice. It may be a hard choice to make, but it’s a choice.”
• “If you let it, your attractions to other women can refine you and turn you into someone even stronger, more loving, and more capable in life.”

There is probably so much more I could say. I have learned a lot since that day (August 21, 2010) about what my SSA means and what it doesn’t mean. I’ve learned a lot about what it means to love myself and to love others. I’ve learned a lot, but I’m also still learning. I’m not expert, but I’m not sure such a thing exists. Instead, I’m a disciple, wanting to testify to the world about the love that I know I have felt from God, even if it’s hard for me to let in sometimes.

Sometimes it’s very abstract thing to say, but I honestly do believe the phrase that I like to end my posts with and that is the final thing I want to add to my list: “Through the infinite Atonement of Jesus Christ, it gets better… even more so, you can be better.”

444

While I was serving in Toronto, Elder Call (my trainer) had this little quirk (well, he had more than this one, but this was one of them). Randomly (or so it seemed) he would get overly excited and ask to borrow my camera (he tended to lose his) to take a picture of something (a license plate, a mail box, etc). I was completely confused as to what he was doing for quite a while. I think we were into our second transfer together before I learned what it was. There was something each of those license plates, mail boxes, and whatever else had in common: 444.

One of Elder Call’s favorite scriptures is Alma 44:4 (444): “Now ye see that this is the true faith of God; yea, ye see that God will support, and keep, and preserve us, so long as we are faithful unto him, and unto our faith, and our religion; and never will the Lord suffer that we shall be destroyed except we should fall into transgression and deny our faith.” A little background on this scripture: Moroni and his army are fighting Zerahemnah and they finally have him cornered. Moroni, not being one who enjoyed killing, pleaded with Zerahemnah to surrender. However, Zerahemnah would not give up; even if they left then, Zerehemnah told Moroni that they would return and that was not good enough for Moroni. In their argument, Moroni bore his testimony of the power of God in helping them to overpower Zerahemnah (hence verse 4) and in the end Moroni’s army did force Zerahemnah’s army into a surrender.

I remember one day that Elder Call and I were tracting, knocking doors. Something someone on the street had said had set him off (which was not easy) and he was left in a bad mood. I remember feeling like I should tell him that I had a good feeling about that street. As it turned out, we got no new contacts from that street, no appointments, and no outward success. However, by the time we were done, Elder Call was more cheerful. On our way back to our car, he pointed out a van to me that had 444 in its license plate. That little three-digit number was his “sign” that God was watching over him and that God loved him.

I was reminded of that day a couple weeks ago. I had a bad episode of depression and ended up spending the majority of the day with my friend David. I remember a question that David posed to me that day and it reminded me of this: How does God show you He loves you? For David, it was through rain. When it rained, he was reminded that God loved him. For Elder Call, it was 444. Whenever he saw a price tag or a mailbox with a 444 on it, it was a reminder that God was caring for him. I’ve thought about that question: What “sign” does God use with me to show me He loves me? Not as “proof” per se, but as a reminder on a bad day.

I’m still thinking on it and I’m still not exactly sure. One that I’ve thought of is stars. I can’t fully explain why, but it has to do with a passage in a book called “The Brothers” by Chris Stewart. The book takes place in the pre-mortal life and the passage I’m referring to is near the end. The Father is talking to four of His children shortly before they are born. Naturally, these four have some fears about going to Earth and remembering nothing of Him or their lives before. One of the instructions He gives them is, on clear summer nights, to look at the sky and notice the stars and the moon. He tells them that as they do that they will remember, somewhere deep in their spirits, that they are part of an eternal family and an eternal plan.

I was reading this book back in the fall of 2010, just after I’d come home from Toronto. I felt lonely and confused. I was in a new ward in Provo and my best friends were scattered literally around the country and the world. I read this passage about the stars and the moon while in the Rec Room and then, as it was getting late, I decided to head slowly back toward my apartment. Outside, I took a moment to ponder this passage and I looked up at the sky. It was cloudy and I couldn’t see any stars. I said a silent prayer asking for the Lord to show me just one star. Just one sign of His love. As I petitioned Him, I saw the clouds part just slightly. Just enough for me to see one shimmering star in the darkness. One little light that said, “I love you, Spencer.”

Two and a half years later, I’ll sometimes be out at night after a bad day. I’ll look up at the sky and see maybe only a couple stars… but enough to remind me that there is a bigger plan than what I can currently see. And Someone up there loves me.

PS: I finished this post at 4:44 PM and those who know me know that I don’t believe in coincidence.

PPS: What is your "sign" of God's love for you?

Reasons to Smile

It’s been a bit of a hard week emotionally for me, which culminated in a breakdown emotionally last night (I gotta thank Will and Azalea for helping me through that). As a result, today I just want to do a simple post about reasons I have to smile. As if I needed any more reminders to cheer up after last night, the theme we had in sacrament meeting in my ward today was “Joy in the Journey”. So while I listened to the speakers, I started writing a list of reasons I can smile.

• I have good friends who love me. Just to name a few, Garrett, Eric, and several North Star friends (including Blake, Alex, John, etc.) who I can call or reach out to at a moment’s notice on a bad day.
• My parents love me. Despite me having so many issues, my parents love me and even though I’m twelve hours away from them, they’re still only a phone call away when I need them.
• I live within a block of the Provo temple. Living at the FLSR, I’m super close to the temple, a place of refuge for me, even when it’s just outside on the grounds.
• I have eight temples accessible to me within an hour and a half drive from here: Bountiful, Salt Lake City, Oquirrh Mountain, Jordan River, Draper, Mount Timpanogas, Provo, and Manti. And in the next few years there will be Ogden (rededicated), Payson, and Provo City Center temples.
• I have FINALLY found a major and a career path that I want to follow. With a family studies degree, I’ll be able to help people (and more importantly help families) with issues that in very many ways run their lives unconsciously.
• I can find spiritual insights from random places, like Doctor Who (PS: Later, when I write a post about depression, I’m going to be referencing the Van Gogh episode of Doctor Who, which I LOVED).

• I have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. It’s hard work keeping it up, but the times when I really feel it, like I did during church today, it’s that little boost I need to keep me going.
• The Savior sacrificed Himself to perform the Atonement so that I could find comfort and solace in my life and so that I could be forgiven of my sins.
• We have a living prophet on the earth today! How cool is that? There is a man on the earth who tells us what God wants us to know. Even better, in two weeks we get to hear him speak!

• I am part of an eternal family. Because my parents were sealed in the Washington DC temple on July 17, 1983, I am sealed to my family for time and for all eternity.
• I have uplifting music I can listen to on a bad day. It’s AMAZING the power that music has to buoy us up and give us strength when we need it! Yesterday, while my problems climaxed, I was grateful to have this song in my iTunes library, showing exactly how I felt at the moment and throughout the past while.

• I had an AMAZING mission president when I was in Toronto. President Brower is one of the most Christ-like, loving, thoughtful, and inspired men I know (that all kind of became redundant after “Christ-like”).

• I have felt God’s love. I have days when I don’t feel it strongly or I’m not in a place where I feel it at all, but I know I have felt it. Despite my mistakes, my weaknesses, and my faults, He loves me. And nothing I can do will change that.

Those are the reasons I found to smile today during church and I know I have more. Please share in the comments what reasons you have to smile, on your good days and your bad days.

"Why Me?"

Back when I did my “Behind the Voices” post, I mentioned a man named William Seger, who was interviewed in the podcast and who did a video shoot for Voice(s) of Hope. Around that time, I also bought a copy of his book, “Why Me?: A Gay Man’s Struggle for Love and Family” and between classes I was able to read it this semester. In his book, he recounts his story, beginning with his less-than-ideal family life growing up, followed by his time living the gay lifestyle, and finally ending with him joining the church and getting married. Throughout his whole life he wanted a family and he wanted love.

A major theme from his book is choice. Taken from the book’s website, under the “Author” tab, it says, he says, “My purpose, using my life’s experiences, to help them identify better choices and provide avenues of help to resolve confusing homosexual attractions as they mature but most importantly a better initial way to deal with those feelings not only for themselves but with their families. Good choices can ultimately define their character, offering a much happier and a more fulfilling life.” In the podcast, William said, “What we choose is what we can become … We can take a course, which may not be easy … but it’s possible.”

One quote from his book that I love (this is in the Afterword) is as follows: “Examine the law of gravity … As limiting as gravity sometimes seems to be, if there was no gravity on earth, then there would be chaos.” As the scriptures teach, with all commandments that the Lord gives us, we are blessed for obeying them and that one of the blessings we receive is happiness. It is my belief though that we are blessed for the commandments we do keep and I believe that there is a greater happiness and peace for those who keep all the commandments.

I love that this man did a video for Voice(s) of Hope and I’m excited to see his (and the rest of them) when the project is finally released.

Shame, Faith, Fear, and Joy

Another late night blog post. This one is for Alex. Tonight, he is extremely scared that his roommate has inadvertently learned about his SSA. As such, Alex is having a hard time. He’s scared to talk to his roommate about it, but he also is scared to just wait and hope for it to blow over. In the midst of that, he has been dealing with shame surrounding his SSA these last few days, which I didn’t realize.

In texting me about his fears and his shame, Alex said to me “I don’t want to deal with this! Why What awful thing did I do before this life to merit dealing with such a terrible punishment? I just want to be normal! I just want to be happy… I haven’t been truly happy for years. What does God want from me now? Sometimes I just wish God would just let me be.” My heart broke getting these texts from Alex after I left his place. I’ve been there… I think many members of the church with SSA have been there… we struggle with “Why would God give me something so controversial?” However, there is no simple answer to that question.

I don’t know why I have this attraction to men. I don’t know why the Lord gave it to me. However, there are some things I do know. Number one: If I serve God and love Him, all things will work together for my good. Number two: I know that every trial I go through will give me experience and will benefit me in the end. In may not be soon, Alex, but as you continue to follow the Lord, you will begin to see your SSA as a blessing more and as a curse less. Number three: Our purpose here in this life, and God’s purpose for sending us here, is to make us happy and give us joy. He will NEVER give us anything that is intended to cause us misery if we give it time. Yes, things are hard and we get sad and hurt sometimes, but no, we don’t have to stay that way. Number four: Jesus Christ, our Older Brother, our Savior, and our Redeemer, felt all the sadness, pain, hurt, and shame that we go through in this life. The beautiful thing about that is that He could have learned how that hurt and shame felt through the Spirit, but He chose to experience it for Himself because He loves YOU so much. He is your friend and He will never abandon you.

I wish I could formulate my words better, but it is past 1:00 AM and all I can do right now is to bear my testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. And there is no way I know better to bear testimony of it than how I have already done, by referencing scripture. The Lord loves you and that will NEVER change. To Alex, everything will be okay. To everyone else, please keep Alex in your prayers.

All is Well in Zion?

Wow! It’s kinda late, but I wanted to write this post, so here we go. This morning, I was reading in 2 Nephi 28 for my scripture study. Verse 21 caught my attention. In the past, I’ve had discussions with one of my friends (let’s call him Calvin) about problems we’ve seen in the church. One concern he’s brought up is that (especially in priesthood) we act as though none of us have problems.

All is well in Zion?

Let me tell you, those people couldn’t be more wrong. If I can be blunt, what kind of rock do you have to live under to realize how many problems we have in the church? In our quorums? It irks me at times to have lessons about home teaching in elders quorum and hear some guy say that it’s more important for us to home teach the girls we’re assigned to than the guys. Really? I’ve heard that viewpoint explained that it’s because the girls don’t have roommates who can provide a priesthood blessing. That may be a reason to ensure that the girls get home taught. However, it’s not good enough for me.

All is well in Zion? No.

Palmyra Temple (July 2012)

What is it with our society that tells that that we can’t have problems? Even in the church, where we’re taught that each of us will experience trials. Yet, it seems so common that I see people around BYU that have smiles almost surgically plastered to their face in a way that I honestly don’t believe they’re happy. Pride? Is that the problem? We can’t look weak? Or do people really believe that there aren’t problems? Are many of us actually in denial?

All is well in Zion? Not even close.

I have friends who deal with pornography problems. I have friends who deal with depression and anxiety. I have friends who are stressed out on a daily basis by their classes. I have friends who are distressed by family problems. I have friends who are lonely because, despite their efforts, they are single. I have friends who have been down because of a bad breakup. Am I saying that we should announce our struggles and our problems over the pulpit during testimony meeting? No. I’ve been guilty of that; I’ve been prompted to mention my SSA over the pulpit while bearing my testimony (usually in reference to something it has taught me about the Atonement). However, we should be able to be authentic with those we trust. All of us have friends (even if your only friend is your bishop, you have a friend). Why not be a little vulnerable and feel the support that comes from being authentic with those we love? Being vulnerable and being authentic is scary (trust me; I’ve had some VERY scary days because of it).

As I finish off this post, I’m not sure what to really say. Don’t let the adversary let you believe all is perfect and Zion has no problems. That was never part of the Lord’s definition of Zion. In fact, the most Zion-like places I’ve been have been full of people that have been open to each other about their flaws and have been authentic with each other. However, at the same time, don’t be distressed. Things may not be perfect; we live in a fallen world. The amazing thing about that is that that is why Jesus Christ performed the Atonement, so that we could find that peace amongst affliction and so that we can have hope that it gets better.

2012: Year in Review

It’s hard to believe that 2012 is over. In some ways it seems like just yesterday that I was in California with my family celebrating the New Year. Yet in other ways it seems like it’s been forever. It’s certainly been an interesting year. A year ago, I would have never expected that I would be where I am. Like many people, the end of the year is a time of reflection for me. In my family, for many years we had a tradition (typically falling on the first Monday of the New Year, for FHE) where we did a “Year in Review”, where we had different topics to get us thinking about things that had happened during the year and what we would remember. So, that’s what I want to do today: My 2012 Year in Review.

Neatest Place You were in 2012

Honestly, most of my year was spent in Utah, no further north than Bountiful and no further south than Provo. The only big excursion I did was my trip out east this past summer. I flew out to Grand Rapids, Michigan where I saw Garrett for the first time in two years, we drove out to Toronto to visit people from my mission, and then we drove down to Niagara Falls and Palmyra before heading back to Michigan. Other than Michigan, I’d been to all of those places before, but it was a great experience being there again with my best friend.

Me and Garrett on our trip, while at Niagara Falls

Biggest Surprise of the Year

The biggest surprise probably was the prompting I received in mid-August, while reading Voice(s) of Hope, to start blogging about my SSA. It seemed to come out of nowhere and it stuck with me. I thought about it and prayed about it for about two months before I ended up doing it. I knew it’d be scary (like I’ve said before, October 20 was the scariest day of my LIFE) but I was also overwhelmed with all of the positive feedback (again, thank you all for your support and for giving me that positive feedback). Honestly, I feel like that prompting (though directly only got me to start blogging) got me to do the Voice(s) of Hope project and also to get more involved in the North Star community, which brought about another big surprise: I felt at home there, in ways that I don’t know if I’ve ever felt before.

Josh and Lolly Weed's Voice(s) of Hope shoot

Best TV Show/Movie You Watched

Anyone who knows me relatively closely knows that I’m a big fan of the ABC show “Once Upon a Time”. Though the acting can be kind of corny and the writing can be kind of cheesy… I figure, it’s a fairy tale show; of course it’ll be that way. One of the themes I love the most in the show is the idea of “true love” typically used in the sense of “true love’s kiss”. Unlike most versions of fairy tale stories, in this show “true love” doesn’t mean the same as “soul mates”. It has more to do with who you truly love, whether it’s romantically with a couple or from a mother to her son.

Mom and Dad and True Love's Kiss

Saddest Day/Time in 2012

The worst part of this year for me was around February and March. After coming home from serving in Calgary, I was a bit of a wreck in some ways. I felt like a failure. I felt like I had been cheated from what I wanted to do the most. In February and March, I dealt with some major depression, trying to overcome those feelings. The feeling of being a failure as a missionary translated into my schoolwork, making me lose confidence in my ability to fulfill my assignments. I remember one day in particular that was bad… I was crying in my car about being home from my mission… I wanted to be in the mission field and yet I also knew I would be suffering emotionally if I was out there. It seemed like there was no way that I could be happy with myself. That night, I talked to my trainer, Elder Jared Call, on the phone and he helped me realize that it was okay to feel that pain and it was okay to feel that way. Honestly, that night was the beginning of my journey to become happy again with myself.

Elder Call visiting me in Provo a year ago

Happiest Day/Time in 2012

It’s hard to say what the happiest time of the year has been for me. There were many of them. My road trip with Garrett was amazing. Being able to spend days on end, just me and my best friend, visiting place that I love was the best. It was also during this trip that I told Garrett about my SSA and he has been one of my strongest allies as I’ve “come out” and done this SSA Missionary Work on my blog. Another one of the “happiest” times of this year was receiving all of the positive feedback about my blog on October 20. Blogging about my SSA was something that made me feel extremely vulnerable and the positive feedback made me feel so much better and empowered to be able to share my story. Attending the AMCAP Conference and filming for Voice(s) of Hope were a couple of other amazing experiences this year. Being able to share my testimony and then meet a few of my heroes (Ty Mansfield, Josh Weed, etc.). In addition, the North Star Christmas fireside, where I felt such a strong sense of home and Zion, was another event this year that would rank on my happiest.

AMCAP Conference Panel

Best Book/Magazine You’ve Read

If you couldn’t guess it already, my favorite book this year was Voice(s) of Hope. It is what set the ball rolling for so much of what happened to me in the second half of the year. It is such an amazing compilation of testimonies and spiritual experiences. It has taught me so much about myself through the experiences of others. If you have a desire to learn about SSA from a gospel perspective, get this book. My dad has read it, Garrett is reading it, “Steve” bought a copy for himself… and each of them has said how much it has helped them understand SSA.

Voice(s) of Hope booth at the AMCAP Conference

Things You Will Remember From the News

With everything that’s happened in the world, a couple things I will remember from this year follow a similar theme to what I’ve already talked about. In many ways, this is the “Year of the ‘Gay’” for me, coming to accept my SSA more fully, joining the North Star/LDS SSA community, and “coming out” on my blog. As such, a couple things I remember from the news have to do with my heroes of the SSA community: Josh Weed and Ty Mansfield. After Josh did his blog post about being a gay man in a heterosexual marriage, it went viral to the point that he ended up on ABC’s Nightline special, in addition to making other media appearances. I’ve met Josh and his wife and honestly they had no idea how big of a splash this would make. Yet a splash it did make and despite persecution they’ve received since then, they stand as witnesses of the truth to the world. Another thing from the news I remember is Ty Mansfield on CNN after the church released its new website about SSA. Ty was not respected very well in that interview and as always my respect for him and his wife (both of whom have received persecution, while being in the spotlight) for what they do in standing up for the truth.

Josh and Lolly Weed on ABC's Nightline

What Would You Like to Do In 2013?

As far as secular things, I want to get into my major. I think I have finally figured out what I want to do for a major. I think I want to study Family Life and then go into marriage and family therapy. In the past few months, with everything I’ve learned from dealing with my SSA with such a steep learning curve, I’ve been able to see how SSA, abuse, infidelity, and a lack of communication can cause problems in a marriage and in a family. The world is falling apart when it comes to families. The adversary is attacking the family on all fronts because he knows that if he can break down the family, he can break down the rest of society. That’s why I want to help save the family. The world needs people with a testimony of the gospel and a testimony of the plan of salvation to help mend families. On a more personal level, I want to continue to help people with my blog. I love it when I hear that my blog has helped someone. One such person who continues to remain anonymous to me (which I TOTALLY understand) has never told anyone about his SSA but has been able to find help and support through my blog. I cherish moments like that or experiences like I had with “Steve”.

Me with Ty Mansfield after my Voice(s) of Hope shoot

Favorite Talk in Church/Conference

My favorite conference talk was probably Elder Holland this fall (I love Elder Holland’s talks!). I’ve had people talk to me about going overboard with the SSA thing and talking about it too much and I’ve had some people that felt uncomfortable talking about it period. Why do I do it then? Honestly, because I feel like I have felt the call from my Heavenly Father to use my talent in writing and in words to help His children. Of course it’s not an official calling, but I feel the need to do it, especially in my demographic. I understand that many young men my age with SSA will not be comfortable outing themselves over the internet, but no one ever said they should. I felt that I should though, because the young single adult demographic needed to be represented, because even here at BYU I’ve seen so many people with conflicting ideas on how to reconcile their SSA. Some would say that the only option is to go into a same-sex relationship, even if you have to wait until you’re graduated from BYU to do it. Some would say go ahead with a same-sex relationship right now. In many ways, it seems like they only give people with SSA one choice: Be true to yourself and give up on your faith.

However, I will not give up on my faith. Yes, it would be physically pleasing to be with a man. Yes, it might even be emotionally satisfying. No, it’s not worth sacrificing my faith and my testimony. Be true to myself? Fine. I will, because being true to myself means being true to my testimony, because my faith and my testimony are more of a defining characteristic to me than my sexuality. Because I love my Savior and because I love my Heavenly Father, I will stand as a witness for Them and for the truth! I know that I can have faith in my Father in Heaven because He knows what’s best for me. I know I can find hope and peace through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I know that it is through them that it gets better.

PS: What would your "2012: Year in Review" include?

My Gift to You (Christmas 2012)

Merry Christmas 2012! Well, we survived the “end of the world”; what next? Well, today was Christmas and I was blessed to be able to spend it with my parents and my little brother. Tonight, as the day is calming down, I wanted to give you all a last minute Christmas present. This is my “Voices of Hope” playlist. Of course, you’ve seen me write about “Voices of Hope”, but this playlist is something a little different. Whereas the Voice(s) of Hope website and the book are particularly about same-sex attraction, this playlist is just a series of songs that give me hope. In my struggles and experiences with same-sex attraction, that’s why most of these songs are on this playlist. However, this playlist also gives me hope in my other struggles (be it annoying coworkers, a fender bender (which happened to me yesterday, sadly), or being alone in your apartment for a week, which also happened to me this week).  Anyway, here we go…

Song #1—“Who Am I” by Casting Crowns

One of the points I wanted to get across the most in my original SSA post was that I don’t want my SSA to define who I am. Yes, it has become a very prominent part of my life; especially in the past couple months since my “coming out”. But no, it does not define me. As I’ve mentioned before, I am so much more than my SSA. I am a brother. I am an uncle. I am a writer. I am a returned missionary. I am a student. I am a friend. I am a member of the Lord’s true church. Most importantly, I am a child of God. I love this song by Casting Crowns because it so clearly says to me that no matter how much I do and how much I am, without Him, I am nothing. So, who am I? I am a child of God… and I am His.

Song #2—“This is Your Life” by Switchfoot

This song by Switchfoot is one that sends me into a lot of introspection. It makes me look back at the past day, week, month, year, and lifetime. What do I regret? What don’t I regret? What can I do to make the second category more prominent? Who do I want to be? King Benjamin counseled his people to watch their thoughts, deeds, and words because that is who they would become. This is a song about repentance. Who do I want to be and what changes do I need to make in my life to become him?

Song #3—“Marching On” by OneRepublic

This song has given me an impression (similar to “This is Your Life”) of introspection. What do you like? What don’t you like? Take what you like about yourself. Take your strengths, take your good qualities, and leave the negative ones behind. Move on and press forward, away from the negative. When you make a mistake, own up to it and move on. There is and never will be a point in brooding over what we’ve done wrong. Learn from it, and continue marching on.

Song #4—“I Dare You to Move” by Switchfoot

Another Switchfoot song (you’ll see a pattern of that in this post… I like Switchfoot). This song has had a lot of meaning to me lately, as I’ve felt stuck in one place at times. At times, my mistakes and my imperfections overwhelm me. However, like the very first lines to this song say, welcome to mortality. Everyone has their stuff to deal with. However, it is our choice to move on and dare ourselves to take the step out of our comfort zones to where we will stretch and maybe hurt, but ultimately grow. Like the previous two songs, this song invites me to take a good look at who I am and who I want to be. Like “Marching On”, it motivates me to action to leave the past behind and become a better disciple of Christ and child of God.

Song #5—“I’ll Make a Man Out of You” from Mulan

This has been one of the funnest songs for me since being in the cast of the Hill Cumorah Pageant in 2009. I even wrote a blog post about it last year. Especially in regards to my SSA, I can see how my struggles have made me look at myself and become a better man. Honestly, one of the blessings of having SSA is that it forces me to be humble. However, although consciously I know my struggles will make me stronger, in the midst of temptation and hardship, my SSA (and other trials) can be more like Shang is when he tells Mulan to go home (2:24 mark in the video). However, that’s the moment that matters the most. I am the most hurt. I am the lowest. I can’t go any longer. And yet, something inside me pushes forward and instead of giving up, I become a better man because I chose to take on my struggles head-on.

Song #6—“Goodbye, Apathy” by OneRepublic

A couple days ago this song really described how I felt. I was in emotional crisis mode (in regards to “I’ll Make a Man Out of You”, I was being told by Shang to go home). I felt empty and I felt apathetic to everything around me. However, thanks to a couple of friends (you know who you are), I was able to break out of that mindset and begin to care for my emotional wellbeing again. Saying goodbye to my apathy opened the floodgates for my negative emotions too… but I actually felt grateful for that, because I felt the motivation to keep going and to (going back to the Mulan analogy) retrieve that arrow from the top of the pole. Honestly, I’m still working toward the top, but I won’t give up on making it there.

Song #7—“Defying Gravity” from Wicked

In the world, I feel as though people with SSA are told to just live a gay lifestyle and “be true to themselves”. However, that’s not who I am. Instead, I choose to stand up against their words and stand up for the truth, for the gospel, for the church, which has been attacked by the LGBT community in the past. DISCLAIMER: I am not meaning to bash on any people who live a gay lifestyle. However, I am choosing to “side” with my faith, not my sexuality. This decision to live a life of faith can be difficult. I have heard stories of Josh and Lolly Weed and Ty and Danielle Mansfield being the recipients of persecution because they choose to support the church. I stand with them. I stand with my Savior, no matter how unpopular that decision may be. Back to the song… “nobody in all of Oz, no wizard that there is or was, is ever gonna bring me down.”

(me and two of my brothers after going to see Wicked in Salt Lake City this summer)

Song #8—“Chasing the Sun” by The Wanted

This song is a favorite of my friend “John” (in fact he wanted to use it as part of his Voices of Hope video). Today I was asked by one of my readers if I’ve been happier since I “came out”. I told him that I have no always been happier, but I do not regret the decision to “come out”. Like this song says, I am better, so much better now. I can see the light of the Son and I refuse to run away from what He has asked me to do. I feel a pull to be a missionary, even if it’s in a very unusual sense. I believe it’s what the Lord has called me to do, because His children need a voice of hope. I will continue to follow Him throughout the rest of my life.

Song #9—“Keep Holding On” by Avril Lavigne

After all of those power songs, I want to slow down a little… Yes, I have felt the call. Yes, I am committed to the gospel. Yes, I even enjoy my SSA sometimes. However, that doesn’t change how hard it is sometimes. It’s hard to be in elders’ quorum and have a lesson on dating. Sometimes it’s hard to see happy couples around BYU’s campus and not feel jealous or lonely. Honestly, it’s hard for me to see Garrett, my best friend, with his girlfriend at times. Do I want them to break up? HECK NO! But it can be hard. Even though I have felt attracted to women before, it’s hard. However, I know that as I “keep holding on” to the iron rod, I will be okay and He will give me strength and carry me through the parts of life that I can’t handle on my own.

Song #10—“Rise Above It” by Switchfoot

Like “Defying Gravity”, to me this song talks about living above the status quo. Just because the world says something is okay doesn’t mean that it is. Honestly, sometimes, like this song says, “I guess I’m looking for a miracle” and “we can be who we want to be.” In the simplest sense, this song is about living above the way of the world. We are a peculiar people. We are meant to be set apart and different from the rest of the world, because we know better. We are meant to be that example of what it means to be a follower of Christ.

Song #11—“Only Hope” by Switchfoot

Bringing it back down again… Switchfoot, being a Christian rock band, is one of my favorites because they do stuff like this. As much as I want to help others and as much as I want my friends to help me, I recognize that the true source of hope and only lasting hope comes from the Lord Jesus Christ. As much as I love talking about the Voices of Hope project, I want to reiterate what Steven Frei said at the North Star Christmas fireside: “Two thousand years ago, Mary and Joseph knocked. Now, Christ knocks at our door. He is our true Voice of hope.” When you look at the Voices of Hope logo, note that it actually says “Voice(s) of Hope” with the “s” in parenthesis. The book and the website have “Voices of Hope” but even more importantly, each of those voices (of which mine will soon be a part) testifies of the true and living Voice of hope, our Redeemer, Jesus Christ.

I want to close off with a question for you. What song(s) would be on your Voices of Hope playlist, whether you struggle with SSA, addiction, self-esteem, bad grades, or whatever? What brings hope to you and helps you to remember the Atonement?

As always, I want to end with my testimony of the Atonement… I know that Jesus Christ, the Baby of Bethlehem, was born to atone for me, for you, and for all of us. He paid the price that we couldn’t and I will forever be grateful for His sacrifice that brings me everlasting hope. As I always say, it is through the Atonement that we can gain hope and that it gets better. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

The Authentic Me

WOW! It’s been a month since my coming out post. It’s hard to believe that it’s been that long already… on the other hand, it’s hard to believe it’s only been a month. It’s certainly been an interesting month. I had two SSA missionary experiences (I’ll probably write about those later). I also had the opportunity to participate in the Voices of Hope project this past weekend. WOW! What an experience! I felt so jumbled and that my video isn’t coherent, but I guess that’s what post-production is for. I also had the opportunity to attend the conference that AMCAP (Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists) put on in Provo. Such an amazing experience! I brought Garrett and both of us were able to learn a lot.

I’ve been reflecting a bit in the last week or so of how things have changed in the past month. I’ve had some emotional episodes, but in general I feel that I’m happier. Why is that? What’s made the difference? Honestly, the answer I’ve found is authenticity. I think this point is really well said in Tyler Moore’s story “Being my True Self” in Ty Mansfield’s book “Voices of Hope”:

“As scary as increased honesty and openness have been, it has felt great not to have to carry the load by myself. So great, in fact, that I actually started to have feelings of really liking myself, something previously totally foreign to me. Initially, I associated those feelings of self-acceptance with finally accepting that I was gay, but I’ve realized over time this was naïve. I now know that the reason I started liking myself is because I was being honest and appropriately authentic, and I felt support and love from others in that authenticity.”

I can really relate to that. I’ll be honest; October 20 (when I did my “coming out”) was the scariest day of my life. Did I expect negative responses? No, not necessarily, but putting yourself out there that much gives you what some of my friends would call a “vulnerability hangover” (basically, being so emotionally drained from divulging deep personal information, making you feel vulnerable). However, as I’ve seen and heard the responses to that post, I have felt loved and respected. Like Tyler Moore said, I feel that I’ve been able to like myself more by being able to be honest about myself and not hold back details about myself. And because I like myself more (though I still struggle with that at times) I’m happier.

I’m not saying that you should be public about all of your deep dark secrets, like I’ve been with my same-sex attraction, but I invite you to think about how you can be more authentic with the people around you. Reach out when you need help, be honest with your friends and family, BE YOURSELF. Rejoice in the good that you have and work on the stuff you don’t like. And above all else, remember that through the Atonement it gets better.

I say this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

(me and Garrett as Mario and Luigi for Halloween this year)

A Child's Prayer

A few weeks ago, my good friend (Eric) and his wife (Emalee) had their first child, Rachel. About a month or so before Rachel was born, I asked Eric, “Can I be Uncle Spencer?” His response, of course, was yes and every time I get to hold Rachel I’m glad that I get to be her uncle (even if it’s not by blood). When I was over at their home last week, Eric's dad said to me, "So you're the proud uncle?" and I had a definite "Yes" to that question.

Shortly after getting back from my vacation to Michigan and Toronto, I got to go see Rachel in the hospital and hold her for the first time. As I got to hold her for a time, while her parents were in a parent-prep class that the hospital was doing, I couldn’t help but think about where Rachel had been only days before, with our Heavenly Father.

I got wondering about that. How much did she still remember? If she could speak, what could she tell me about our Heavenly Home? The past week or so has been stressful for me in a way, but getting to hold that precious child has brought me some peace.

So clean and pure. So untainted by the world. Maybe that’s what Christ meant when He said to become as a child: “And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 18:3) Being so fresh from the other side of the veil, Rachel seemed to me to be the most pure thing I have ever held. I am hopeful for her. I know her parents will teach her well and hopefully her uncle (me) will be able to teach her a little as well.

What About

The world gives us every reason to be sad. The gospel, however, gives us every reason so rejoice. That's what this song is about, to me. The pictures are just anything that makes me happy. :) The song is "What About" by Peter Breinholt from the EFY 2000 CD. :)