My Origin Story

The grades are in. I’m done. My last class at BYU is finished. The only thing left is for my diploma to come in the mail. The end of my seven years at BYU has made me reflect on how I got to this point. I’ve been noticing just how different I am from the kid who graduated from high school in Southern Alberta. As a result, I knew I wanted to write this post.

I tossed it around in my head back and forth whether I wanted to write this for my blog or for Mormon Geeks, but I felt that it fit best here. Maybe it’s cheesy to call this my origin story, but it kind of makes sense in a way. While I still lack super powers (keep my fingers crossed though, right?) I have grown much more than I thought I would.

Back in high school and middle school, I was into Yu-Gi-Oh, Digimon, Pokemon, Harry Potter, LOST, and probably some other stuff too. But no one could know. At least not about the weirder stuff like the anime. I don’t remember if I was every explicitly teased for those things when I was in high school, but it was always a worry.

Fast forward seven years to today. I’ve done things I never thought I would:

• I’ve been a missionary, maybe not as long as I thought or in ways that I expected, but I’ve been able to serve the Lord.
• I have best friends. In middle school, the idea of having a best friend was only a dream. Now I have many close friends. I wish I got to see many of them more, but I know they’re there.
• I went to a football game (both American football and real football) and I enjoyed it. Granted it had more to do with the company I was with, but go figure that I had fun.
• I’ve opened up about the parts of my life that I once thought were the deepest and darkest. Now they’re my greatest teachers.
• I’ve learned two languages and forgotten one. Technically I can’t say I ever learned ASL, but I learned some. However, I did learn Spanish. I became more proficient in Spanish than I ever was in French, which I have more or less lost at this point.
• I learned that I like hiking. In Scouts, I hated it, but maybe that had more to do with not having friends in Scouts. Now I love exploring (I should really do a hike sometime in the near future…)

• I’ve been to Disneyland. TWICE! And I’m going back this fall. Be jealous.
• I learned to travel alone. Since my mission(s), I have flown on my own to California, Louisiana, Michigan, New York, and Spain. I used to think flying was so complicated, but I’m doing a pretty good job at it now.
• I learned that I like working out! I had a curiosity about it before, but now I crave that hour so two at the gym each day. It gives me a high that I thoroughly enjoy, even when I feel super sore.
• I’ve embraced my geekiness. Whereas in high school I hid it, now I flaunt it. I dress up as video game, movie, and TV show characters for Comic Conventions and any other opportunity just because it’s fun. Heck! I write for a blog entitled “Mormon Geeks”. How much geekier could it be? Seven years ago I would have NEVER done that! I even played Quidditch that one time for Garrett’s birthday.
• I learned that I like to drive. In high school, I was scared of driving. I didn’t want to get my license because the idea of getting in a wreck was so scary. Now I drive nearly every day and I depend on it way more than I wish I had to.
• I’ve visited Central America! Granted it was only for 6 hours per day for three days, but I got to visit Belize, Roatan, and Mexico briefly during our family cruise. Despite traveling from Canada to the US throughout my life, I’d never got further south.

• I got to be a best man in a wedding. Well, kinda. Garrett didn’t have groomsmen at his wedding, but I did take charge of the bachelor party and I may have (or may not have) decorated his car at the reception. Never mind the fact that I was blown away to have real friends, I never expected to have that close of a friend.
• I’ve attended several concerts! Granted, where I grew up was not conducive to attending concerts, but I wasn’t enough into music to care. Now I’ve been to four concerts in the past four years (possibly another one this year too).
• I willingly participated in the Hill Cumorah Pageant again and alone. Both times previous, I had been in the cast with my family, but in 2014 I made the step and joined the cast by myself. It was scary not knowing anyone, but it must have been okay since I’m going again (flying out this Friday).

• I went to Europe! I spent two months in Spain on a study abroad. Especially since I didn’t feel 100% comfortable with the language, this was a big step. Also, it was scary because I didn’t know any of my classmates before I left. One of the best decisions I made at BYU to learn Spanish and go to Spain.
• I started running and I like it! What is it with all of these athletic things that I enjoy now? I hated running in gym class, but now I’m running to get a high to deal with stress. What’s going on with me? One of the highlights of my day is putting Netflix on and watching an episode of whatever on the treadmill. Also my two Dirty Dashes. I never thought a mud run would be appealing, but I love it!!!
• I’ve met celebrities! Granted all of the celebrities I’ve met so far have been Doctor Who actors, but who cares? They’re my celebrities. I even got to interview a couple of them this past Comic Con FanX.
• I got a full time job before I’d even graduated! I’ve been working at Chrysalis for a year now, but I became a house manager in January, six months before I was done school.

I honestly can’t say which of these things surprises me the most. As lost as I feel at times, in some ways that’s what’s best. If I knew what was going on in my life, I wouldn’t have applied for this job when I did, I wouldn’t have taken the risks that I have, and I wouldn’t have gotten to know myself as well as I have. As much as I don’t think at times that I know who Spencer Ficiur is, maybe I know him better than I think. Maybe he’s more confident than I give him credit for. 

“And I do this for a wise purpose; for thus it whispereth me, according to the workings of the Spirit of the Lord which is in me. And now, I do not know all things; but the Lord knoweth all things which are to come; wherefore, he worketh in me to do according to his will.” (Words of Mormon 1:7)

The most surprising thing… Tonight, I feel at home in the world.

Preparing for Cumorah, Part 3

The day is finally here!!! As I type this, I'm on the train headed to Rochester. There will be someone there from Pageant to drive me to the Hill Cumorah. I can't believe it's finally here! Being out here, I have had the opportunity to reflect on a few things. 

First, it's been nearly seven months since I got my acceptance to Pageant. December 15 was the exact day, actually (the blessing of keeping a journal). I'll be honest: the past seven months haven't been easy. Even earlier that day, December 15, I was having an super emotional day. Throughout the whole thing, I've moved twice, I've had friendship/dependency issues, and I had one of the most difficult semesters of my college career (coincidentally it was also the most successful semester I've had). I didn't realize it until recently when David pointed it out to me, but these trials could have easily been reasons to doubt my faith. While it didn't cross my mind to cancel my trip and drop out of Pageant, if I had chosen to doubt my faith, it would have made the trip pointless. I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who has patiently and gently (sometimes less gently when I need a good shove or a smack to the face spiritually) taught me and brought me to where I am now. I have a stronger testimony now of His love and His perfect timing. One hard day in particular, I remember crying and grieving a struggle I was going through. Once I was done, humbled, and ready to listen to truth, a phone call came from the exact friend I needed (literally, just as I was finished crying my phone vibrated). God is there and I know He loves me. 

Second reflection: it's been five years since I was in the cast of the Pageant before. That was before I started BYU. It was before I started this blog. It was before my mission. It was before I even accepted that SSA was really a part of my life, as opposed to just attached to my addiction (I don't think I've written here on that, but I mention it in my Voices of Hope essay and possibly my video). It was five years ago that I really first felt free of that addiction. In fact it was at Pageant that that miracle began. A lot has happened in the past five years: I've done several years at BYU, I left on my mission (twice), I came home from my mission (twice), I opened up to EVERYONE in my life about my SSA (that dark secret that I was never going to tell ANYONE), I have worked through (and continue to work through) feelings of dependency and codependency, I have made amazing friends, and (arguably most importantly) I have begun to accept my Heavenly Father's love and to believe that I am worthy of love. I am happier now than I remember being in a long time and largely that is because I've chosen to be happy. Life isn't always pleasant and I have bad days, but life is always worth living and it is always worth striving to be happy. As is mentioned various times in Pageant (quoting Alma) I have "felt a change in [my] heart" and I know that that change has come through the Savior Jesus Christ. He is the whole reason this Pageant is happening. He is the whole reason anything happens. Without Him, all of this mortal experience would be wasted.

I'm a couple hours away from Rochester, so I'll close this now. I'll try to make updates while I'm gone, but I just want to leave my testimony (the same as the last line from the Pageant--unless I'm remembering incorrectly): He lives and He will come again. 

Journey into Manhood

Hugs. Tears. Goodbyes. After two days of intense emotional work and mental processes, I got in the car with the two men I was driving with and, for the first time in two days, I checked my phone for the time. Literally the first time. For the 48 hours previous, we’d had no phones, no watches, nothing electronic (other than perhaps a flashlight). 48 hours of seclusion from the outside world. 48 hours of work. 48 hours of betterment. 48 hours called Journey into Manhood.

I arrived at a camp in the mountains in the Salt Lake City area along with the two other men in my car. The three of us, along with about 30 other “journeyers”, had hit a point in our lives where we felt stuck, complacent, unproductive, etc. As it is advertised as a healing weekend for men who want to deal with unwanted same-sex attraction, most men who attend Journey into Manhood (JiM) have SSA. However, I’ve known men who are completely straight to go as well. It’s because very little of the exercises and processes during the weekend pertain directly to same-sex attraction.

Every person has scars. Every person has wounds. And in my opinion, every person in the world could use therapy to some degree to resolve those wounds (if you disagree and don’t think you have wounds, I’m happy for you, but in my experience most (if not all) people have some weight that they’re carrying).

Because of the confidentiality agreement that I signed when I went to JiM, I can’t divulge any of the specific processes we did, but I do want to share what the weekend did for me:

My "Golden Boy" (first day of first grade)

For months now, I have been aware of my previously unconscious belief that I was unlovable. This belief grew out of years of being teased, excluded, and abandoned by peers. Eventually I became conditioned to believe that each friend, each classmate, each acquaintance would abandon me and/or toss me aside as I’d experienced in the past. At JiM, I had a chance to look very deeply at the shadowy parts of myself and could very easily reaffirm those negative beliefs about myself. However, that was also contrasted with exercises that helped me see my strengths, my good qualities, the golden parts of me that make me a person that people like. More importantly than that, they showed me why I should like myself. For so many of us, it was the first time in years that we had seen a glimpse of the little golden boys we’d been before we began to be scarred, wounded, and disillusioned to the world. I used to be confident, I used to be adventurous, I used to be outgoing, and I used to love myself. Having seen a glimpse of that boy who used to be all those things, I was reminded that he’s still there… and I can be him again: confident, brave, loving, etc.

When I first joined North Star in May 2012 (wow, it’s been over a year!) and started attending my Evergreen group the next month, the thing that blew me away and helped me the most was realizing that I wasn’t alone. That feeling has come and gone over the past year, some days feeling lonelier than others, but being at JiM with 31 other men who were willing to work through issues that were holding them back in life (wounds from abuse, bullying, dysfunctional family life, etc.), I felt connected, blessed, and accepted. And this joyful feeling was common among the men there. Some of them, it was the first time in their lives that they had ever felt like that.

By the end of the weekend, I felt energized. I got in the car at 5:50pm and “officially” re-entered reality, I was on a high. The best thing I can compare it to would be when I went to EFY as a youth… but even more so. I was able to connect to my God that weekend… and I think a lot of it had to do with coming to believe to a greater extent that I was worth His time. Those 48 hours were not the end to my problems. I have a lot more emotional work and processing to do before they’ll be done (and they’ll never be done in this life, I expect).  However, I feel that JiM has given me the tools to do that work and the brothers I need to help me with my work.

Now, here’s my plug for JiM (and this goes to men who deal with SSA and those who do not): If you have scars and issues from your past that hold you back from being the whole man that you want to be, I recommend looking into it. I’m not going to be the guy who insists that every man on North Star should go to JiM or that every man needs to… but if you are considering it, I say go! You won’t regret it! It changed how I look at myself and at others and it’s in that way that life gets better, by changing me, even if “change” never means becoming straight.