For My Baby Brother

"We may rest assured that all things are controlled and governed by Him whose spirit children we are. He knows the end from the beginning, and he provides for each of us the testings and trials which he knows we need. President Joseph Fielding Smith once told me that we must assume that the Lord knows and arranges beforehand who shall be taken in infancy and who shall remain on earth to undergo whatever tests are needed in their cases. This accords with Joseph Smith’s statement: ‘The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth.’ (Teachings, pp. 196–97.) It is implicit in the whole scheme of things that those of us who have arrived at the years of accountability need the tests and trials to which we are subject and that our problem is to overcome the world and attain that spotless and pure state which little children already possess.” (“Salvation of Little Children,” p. 6.) (taken from the D&C Institute student manual)

Twenty-two years ago today, my family lost someone very precious. My mom gave birth to a stillborn baby boy, who they named Jay. It was a very difficult thing for my parents to face. By the time he was born, they’d known for about a month that he was dead. Even though I was only about 21-months-old at the time and don’t remember the event, I think about him from time to time. On his birthday, I try to do my best to honor and celebrate the baby brother that I never got to meet. Though we never met on this earth, at times I think the Spirit whispers to me that he is near and watching over me. At times I wonder if he is my guardian angel. I believe we were friends in the pre-mortal world and that because of that I feel this connection to him, though I’ve never even seen his face in mortality.

Mom and Dad at the DC temple again after 25 years

I am grateful for the knowledge of the plan of salvation and specifically for the knowledge of eternal families. Because my parents were sealed in the Washington DC temple on July 17, 1974, my brothers and I were all born into the covenant. Because of this, we haven’t lost Jay. He is sealed to my parents and he is sealed to us. I will see him again. I cannot wait for the day when I get to see my baby brother again.

Happy birthday, Jay. I miss you.

Three Years Ago

Idaho Falls Temple - February 2013

About three years ago, I went through the Idaho Falls temple for my endowment, in preparation for my mission. About a week ago, I had the opportunity to do an endowment session there for the first time since. It was kind of an interesting experience for me to realize that and look back on the past three years.

Three years ago, February 2010, I was waiting for my mission call. Because of my autism, my call got delayed… and delayed… and delayed. Garrett will attest to the fact that I didn’t handle that waiting period very well. Looking back, I recognize that that was my first real recollection of experiencing depression. After receiving my mission call, I assumed that was the end of it. I had my call and all would be well. Fast-forward about six months to September 2010 and I was home from my mission.

Getting off the plane - September 2010

 Being a 19-year-old RM was one of the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with. Harder than waiting for my mission call. Harder than dealing with the stress I put on myself after telling Elder Call about my SSA (speaking of which… I need to do a post on that). Finally, the next summer, after much stress and anxiety, which I attributed to having to wait again, I was permitted to go on a trial mission.

Coming home from Calgary three months after I started was one of the hardest things I’ve done… it was harder than the first time, I’d say. In my opinion, the lack of confidence and self-esteem I felt was manifest in my schoolwork. Some of the simplest assignments seemed to test my abilities and try my patience. In my mind, it was a miracle that I managed a B average that semester. In that time, I started medication to help with my depression and anxiety, but even so it wasn’t until part way through the summer that I seemed to find something that worked. And honestly I think part of what worked was being able to go back to Toronto, visit the people I’d served there, and find closure, knowing I had made a difference in three months there.

With Fuman, one of my converts - July 2012

Even after feeling that closure, I think I still felt down about my position of being an “early RM”. Until something unexpected happened… literally a day after I posted about what it means to be an RM… that was when I was reading in Voice(s) of Hope for the first time. It was then, in the first few lines, that I felt the prompting to start all of this. Two months later, after much prayer and seeking revelation, I did start writing about my SSA. In the time since, I have been blessed to have had miracle SSA Missionary experiences with Steve, Alex, and several others. Just yesterday in fact a girl from one of my old wards (let’s call her Libby) told me about her SSA.

Still, at the same time I’m working to find balance, understanding, and healing for myself. I try to do my best to look forward toward better things, but at the same time I still carry scars of my past. During all of that, I am struggling to find the right balance between expressing love and being firm in my beliefs. All the time, I still have episodes of shame and hurt around all of what has happened in the past three years.

I guess here’s the bottom line (and it’s something I’m still trying to internalize, even as I share it): Jesus Christ the Savior is why any of this matters. He helped me find closure with what happened in Toronto and He helped me find a new way to do missionary work. As I always say, it is through Him and His Atonement that it gets better.

Idaho Falls Temple - April 2010

Locked Out

During the last week that I was in the Heart Lake ward on my mission, I had one of my anxiety attacks (one of the ones that ended up bringing me home). Because I wasn’t able to work, because of the anxiety attack, my companion (Elder Call… you’ll probably hear a lot about him) took me to the temple grounds, since the temple has a calming effect on me. However, since this was a Monday, the temple was closed and the gate into the temple grounds was locked.

After the stress that I’d had, I had really been looking forward to being on the temple grounds on that day, but the most of my body I could get onto the temple grounds was the front of my foot. However, I got a little bit of an interesting insight from this experience.

After finding myself locked out of the temple grounds, I promised myself that when I got to the gates of the Celestial Kingdom, I would not be locked out. I’ll do whatever it takes to ensure that I won’t be trying to sneak my foot under the gate, just so that part of me is in the Celestial Kingdom. I will live worthy to gain entrance to the kingdom of my Father.

(The photo at the beginning of this post is a picture I took of the Toronto Temple that night, when I was locked out)

My Heavenly Father Loves Me

A week or so ago, I called Juliana to talk to her. If I remember correctly, her brother picked up the phone. I asked to speak to her, but she was busy playing the piano, so he left the phone near the piano for her to pick up after she was done. The song she was playing was “My Heavenly Father Loves Me” (page 228-229 in the Children’s Songbook). I’d forgotten how beautiful this song was and how much I’d loved it. To me, it proves that Heavenly Father does love us, because of all the things He’s given us. I’d like to show you (with the lyrics, some pictures, and some commentary) what some of those things are.

“Whenever I hear the song of a bird…”

This picture was taken by Garrett on the BYU campus. He’d heard a bird chirping and finally found the little bird at the top of a big tree. To me, the chirping of a bird (especially in early spring) says something special to me. During winter, the birds are all gone, so as the birds return, they start chirping throughout the day and the beautiful noise they make is kind of a sign from Heavenly Father to me that winter is ending and that the happy warmth of the spring sun is almost back.

“…Or look at the blue, blue sky…”

This picture was taken in front of the Idaho Falls temple, two days after I got endowed. It was also Easter Sunday. My family was getting together for Easter in Idaho Falls and my parents invited Garrett to come with me. The blue sky in this picture is just so beautiful to me. It makes me think of how pure I felt… there was something about me getting endowed that my friends even noticed. Garrett noticed it after I came out of the temple that Friday (which happened to be Good Friday), but he didn’t mention it to me until Monday as we were getting ready for school. He told me that after I came out of the temple, I looked “changed”. Later that day, on our way to a class, Juliana mentioned to me that I looked “older”. This is a testimony to me of the power of God and the holiness of his temples. It wasn’t just a ritual that I went through, when I got my endowment. There was a change in me. Now, I feel more pure, just like that blue, blue sky.

“…Whenever I feel the rain on my face…”

This picture was taken the Sunday of conference back in October. Courtesy of Becca and her parents (she wasn't going to BYU at the time), we got to go to Sunday afternoon session of conference. It was a rainy day, but we wanted to take pictures around Temple Square regardless (after conference). The thought of rain, in relation to this picture and this song, make me think of the primary song “When I Am Baptized”. The first verse of that song talks about how the Earth is washed clean after it rains. Personally, I love the smell of the air after it rains. It smells so fresh and clean.

“…Or the wind as it rushes by…”

This picture was taken back in September (wow that seems so long ago…) during the first trip I took to the temple with Garrett and Juliana (though I think they might have been too full that day, so maybe it wasn’t our first real temple trip). I remember that I had Garrett take a picture of me by the temple, because I wanted a new picture for my Facebook profile and I wanted the picture to be by the temple. As we were taking the picture, the wind kept blowing my tie all around (as you can see in the picture). I love the wind though. On hot summer days, the cool breeze feels amazing. To me, this is like a gift from Heavenly Father, a cool breeze to keep us cool when it gets too hot.

“…Whenever I touch a velvet rose, or walk by a lilac tree…”

This picture was taken just yesterday, outside the Cardston Temple. I went there with my little brother and three of my friends to do baptisms (actually, I did the baptizing). I know this isn’t a rose or a lilac, like the song says, but I had some thoughts on these two flowers. They were planted in a patch of dirt that was along the pathway to the baptistry at the temple. They were the only flowers along that path. Whether other flowers merely hadn’t grown yet, or if they hadn’t been planted, I don’t know, but I found it odd that only two flowers were there in a patch of dirt about two or three square feet in size. These two flowers had to be beautiful on their own, just like we have to be beautiful (or righteous) relatively on our own in a world that is ugly and wicked.

“…I’m glad that I live in this beautiful world Heavenly Father created for me.”

This picture was taken on the very last day that I got to spend with my friends in Utah. We had to be out of our apartments by ten o’clock that morning. So afterwards, we went to Garrett’s grandparents’ house in Orem, where we hung out for a few hours, since my dad was at a conference in Provo and Becca and Juliana could spare the extra time. Before Becca and Juliana left, we took pictures together in pairs and in a group. This was one of our group pictures. The majority of the pictures we took that day, we took by a bench that was by a flower garden that Garrett’s grandparents had. Their house (both inside and outside) was so peaceful. Thinking back to that day, the flowers in the garden, which are in a lot of our group pictures, relate quite well to this song. They are one of the beautiful creations that Heavenly Father made just for us.

“He gave me my eyes that I might see the color of butterfly wings…”

I took this picture back in 2007 when I went to New York with my mom and with my brother Brian. We were visiting one of her uncles and happened to go for a walk through the forest that was (partly) on his property. Though I didn’t do a lot of photography of nature back then, I saw this butterfly on this flower and thought it would be cool picture to take. Though this butterfly isn’t very colorful, it is beautiful. I love seeing the colors on the wings of butterflies. The designs and colors on the wings of butterflies are so beautiful. It reminds me so much about how great an artist Heavenly Father is to design each butterfly, each snowflake, and each of us to make us unique and beautiful.

“He gave me my ears that I might hear the magical sound of things…”

This is a picture that Becca took early in Winter Semester of Garrett playing his clarinet (sorry, Garrett. I didn’t have another picture of you actually playing your clarinet and I have no pictures of anyone else playing an instrument). Throughout Winter Semester, I got to listen to Garrett play his clarinet nearly every day, until his band class and his clarinet class finished. I don’t know if I loved it at first, but I definitely grew to love it more and more throughout the semester. Though I’m not musical, I really love music. All of my best friends (it seems) are musical. Sometimes I wish I was more musical so that I would understand better what they’re talking about, but usually I just feel really grateful for their musical talents that they are able to share with me to enrich my life. Music really is one of those things that, though you don’t need it to live, makes life worth living. Truly, music is a tender mercy from our Heavenly Father that He has given us to make us happy.

“He gave me my life, my mind, my heart. I thank Him reverently for all his creations of which I’m a part.”

These pictures match the three things that that line of the song mentions. The first picture is my mom holding me on the day I was born. Heavenly Father gave me my life that day. He allowed me to come into this mortal world to be tested. He sent me out, having faith that I would prove faithful, thus returning home to Him someday. Each day since, He has blessed me with continued life. Each day, through his mercy, He grants me life by providing food to eat, water to drink, and air to breathe. The second picture is a picture of me at my high school graduation. Heavenly Father gave me my mind, my ability to learn. I truly believe that it was with His help that I was able to get through high school, with all the challenges I had. It was with His help that I was able to complete a year of university already and with grades that my dad says he didn’t get all throughout university (or at least his freshman year). The third picture is of me with my best friends: Garrett, Juliana, Becca, and Braden. This was two days before we left Provo. The fourth picture is of my family, this past Easter in Idaho. These two pictures, I feel, represent my heart. My heart is filled with love for my friends and my family. I wish I could have put more pictures here to show all of my best friends, but I don’t have room for each of my best friends to be on here. Heavenly Father gave me my heart. To me, this means He gave me the people that I love: my friends and my family. I thank my Heavenly Father every day for the many blessings He has given me. He truly has blessed me beyond what I can say.

“Yes, I know Heavenly Father loves me.”

This picture is from when I opened my mission call. The cell phones have my family (and Braden) on speaker phone, listening. On the left, Cami is holding Garrett’s phone, which had Jared on the line. Next to her, Melissa is holding her phone, which, I think, has my parents, Tyler, and Brett on the line. Next to her, Juliana is holding two phones. In her left hand, she’s holding Becca’s phone, which has Jen on the line (who I believe was at my nephew’s soccer game when I called). In Juliana’s right hand is her phone, which has Braden on the line. This was a very special day for me. After all the delays and waiting, I finally got my mission call. During the wait, I longed for the chance to serve a mission. I wanted them to just stop the analyzing and give me my call. Finally, after a month and a half of wait, it came! The day I opened my call, I had seven of my friends in my apartment. Becca, Garrett, and Juliana were there, but I knew they would be. I also had three friends from my Fall Semester chemistry class there too: Kaycy, Melissa, and Cami. Finally, there was Kaitlyn, a friend of mine from Pageant who was staying with a sibling during Winter Semester, before going back to BYU-I. That night, I could tell so strongly that my Heavenly Father loves me. First of all, He granted my request, letting me serve a mission. Second, He gave me my a wonderful immediate family (nearly all of whom were on the phone) in addition to a great extended family. Thirdly, He gave me great friends who wanted nothing more than to share that night with me as I opened my mission call.

I know that Heavenly Father loves each of us. His love for each of us, individually, is perfect and He wants to do all He can to help us come safely home to Him. I remember once hearing someone say something to the effect of “We don’t want to go home nearly as much as Heavenly Father wants us to come home.” I know this is true. I know that He has blessed me beyond my understanding and far beyond what I deserve.

I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Getting Left Behind

A couple weeks ago, I went to the Provo temple with Garrett, Juliana (one of my best friends, here at BYU), and Braden (one of my best friends from the Hill Cumorah Pageant). At the Provo temple, they have you do confirmations for one set of names, first, before going to do baptisms for another set of names. We sat together as a group while waiting to do confirmations. By the time that I’d finished doing confirmations, Juliana and Braden were also done. However, before Garrett was done, some people with family names sat down by me. Because they had family names, they were going to do baptisms before confirmations, so that they could do all of their names.

Because they were there, when Garrett was done doing confirmations, he was separated from me, Braden, and Juliana. I felt bad about it, thinking that Garrett was, in a way, “left behind”. When the line for baptisms started moving, I let the people with family names go ahead of me, so that I’d be sitting by Garrett again. I doubt it was a big deal for Garrett that I went back to sit by him, but to me it meant that he wasn’t being left behind. Though it hadn’t bothered him to be separated from the rest of us, I felt better, knowing that none of my friends had been left behind or left out of the group.

This got me thinking about the situation in a spiritual sense. Around the time that I got my mission call, someone (I can’t remember who it was) told me that before I came to Earth, I made promises to the people that I’ll teach. I promised them that I’d find them and teach them the Gospel. Though I can’t remember making those promises, I know I made them and I’m going to do everything in my power to keep those promises. Like the situation with Garrett at the temple, I refuse to leave those people behind. I promised I’d find them.

I know this church is true. I know that I’ve been called of God to help other people come to know what I already know. Today, I have two months and five days left until I go into the MTC. However, my training as a missionary doesn’t start there. It didn’t start when I got my call. It didn’t start at the beginning of the semester when me and Garrett thought up those ways to prepare. It started when I was young and it’s a constant movement closer and closer to the Savior. It’s a constant movement to where and to who He wants me to be. I testify with all my heart that the church is true and the Book of Mormon is the word of God, alongside the Bible. Again, I promise that as a missionary I will commit myself to finding those people that I promised to find and I will not leave them behind.

--Spencer