Becoming My Dad

Wow. I haven't written here in nearly six months. That's probably due to writing for Mormon Geeks and finishing school and working full time (being an adult is busy, guys!). But anyways, no complaining about being an adult today (I actually kinda like it).

As today is Father's Day, I feel like it's the obligatory thing to say something about my dad today. So why not?

This is my dad, Rob Ficiur. He's a dork and we (his kids) like to make fun of him. He wears a fanny pack, he tells long stories that I don't always see the point of, and he has this bad habit of collecting audiobooks on CD and cassette tape (much to my mom's annoyance). As a result, I cringe a little when I look to buy audiobooks, realizing that I'm acting like my dad. In fact, when I was visiting my family last month, I mentioned to my sister-in-law that as I drove late at night, I put on an audiobook to help me stay alert, just like my dad. If I remember correctly, she told me that I'm becoming my dad. Part of me wants to cringe. At the same time, is that such a bad thing?

One of the blessings of having studied families in my undergrad is that I learned a lot about my parents. My parents are amazing. Most people know my mom is a convert to the church, but less people know that my dad is a convert. When my grandparents got married, my grandma was less active, so for the first decade of his life, my dad didn't go to church. If I'm remembering details correctly, it was when he was 12 his aunt started taking him to primary (which wasn't as bad as pre-teen Rob thought it would be). Fast forwarding, he started going to church, but his dad didn't let him get baptized until he was 15 (that was decades before my grandpa would eventually get baptized, but that's a story for another time). I say all this to say that I've been very impressed by my dad's testimony and faith. He took himself to early morning seminary since his dad wouldn't drive him. He served as a missionary for 18 months (missions were slightly shorter at that time). He followed the prompting to pursue a marriage with my mom, who he had every reason to NOT date.

Overall, my dad is one of the most Christ-like people I know. He has patience beyond what I can fathom, as he has taught a one-room classroom for decades covering seven or eight grades at one time. He is full of love, as he serves and has served so many people. He is an amazing friend, as I recently saw him interact with such love to a good friend of his. He is an amazing dad and grandpa, showing love to his kids that I want to emulate when I'm a father.

One of my favorite memories of my dad as a kid is when he'd tuck me in at night. For whatever reason, I had a cassette tape with the Goofy Movie soundtrack and we got into this routine of singing the song between Max and Goofy near the end of the movie: "Nobody Else But You". So whenever I think of Goofy and Max, I think of my dad.

In my teenage and adult years, my dad had become one of my closest friends. I have been able to grow close to him, opening up about the things that bother me or that I'm having a hard time with. He listens to my frustrations and he helps buoy me up when I struggle.

I know several people who have problems with Heavenly Father as a result of their experience with their earthly fathers. On the flip side, I'm grateful for a father who has given me an amazing example of what a father is like, which has helped in my relationship with Heavenly Father, bringing me closer to Him. 

I See His Hand

For the anniversary of the Voices of Hope project, I want to share something somewhat unrelated. Something I’ve been thinking about since Sunday.

In the Book of Mormon, Alma says that “all things denote there is a God; yea, even the earth, and all things that are upon the face of it, yea, and its motion, yea, and also all the planets which move in their regular form do witness that there is a Supreme Creator” (Alma 30:44). I’ve been thinking about what things “witness that there is a Supreme Creator” in my life, so here’s a little bit of a quick list.

1.      I see His hand in every picture I see my sister-in-law post of my nephew Carson. The little boy has an adorable innocent smile.

2.      I see His hand in every video I see of my “niece” Rachel, either posted on Facebook by her mother or sent to me by her grandma. This adorable 20-month-old always makes me smile.

3.      I see His hand when I hear just the right song at just the right time. I have a Christian radio station (kLove) favorited in my car and sometimes I’ll turn the car on and a song comes on to bless me in just the way I need.

4.      I see His hand when I see the numbers 4-4-4 together on a license plate, in a phone number, or wherever. Like I’ve said before, the triple-4 reminds me of serving with Elder Call and how it reminded him of his favorite scripture Alma 44:4. Now these numbers remind me of that scripture, that great missionary I had the honor to serve with, and the scripture that gives me strength to warrior on and keep going.

5.      I see His hand in a rainy day. I remember being on bikes on my mission with Elder Call and just how excited he was when it was rainy and stormy. Especially on those summer days in Toronto when it was really warm, I enjoyed the rain too.

6.      I see His hand in the welcoming arms of my friends. I am blessed to know some of the most Christ-like people and I am learning not to question why they would want to be friends with someone as ordinary and flawed as me. Regardless, every warm hug, every loving text, and every Christ-like act of love shows me that I am not alone and that God has answered the prayers that I prayed for years as a teenager, that I would finally have friends.

7.     I see His hand in the progress I’ve made emotionally over the past year or so. I look back at the person I was a year ago or two years ago and I feel such empathy for the young man who thought he’d never be capable of being happy. I have my stormy days still, but in them I try to hold onto the memory of all the good.

8.      I see His hand in the Voices of Hope Project. Sometimes I’ll be having a difficult day and a new video will come out that day and what is said is exactly what I need (on that note remember to like their page on Facebook).

I am grateful for the knowledge I have of a loving Heavenly Father. I am grateful for His love which helps me grow. I am grateful for the many blessings He has given me. I am grateful to know that He can help me in my life in whatever I am doing. I know He loves me.

In the comments, I’d love to hear how you see His hand in your life.

Miracle Day

Three years ago late tonight/early tomorrow morning, I told Elder Call about my SSA. It was the first time I'd ever told anyone and it was the first time I really accepted it myself. My life has changed so much since then. At that point, I had no idea I'd be completely out and public. The idea of that would have been too scary.

The two of us, Elder Call and I, dubbed today and tomorrow "Miracle Day" because of the miracle that occurred that night.

I am full of gratitude today for that conversation we had and the ensuing miracle, a prompting from the Spirit telling me it was safe to trust Elder Call with what was then my deepest darkest secret.

I am full if gratitude for all the support you give me as my friends and as my readers. I would not have the strength to keep writing if it wasn't for you.

PS: Look forward to a guest post by Elder Call in the near future to commemorate Miracle Day

Reasons to Smile

It’s been a bit of a hard week emotionally for me, which culminated in a breakdown emotionally last night (I gotta thank Will and Azalea for helping me through that). As a result, today I just want to do a simple post about reasons I have to smile. As if I needed any more reminders to cheer up after last night, the theme we had in sacrament meeting in my ward today was “Joy in the Journey”. So while I listened to the speakers, I started writing a list of reasons I can smile.

• I have good friends who love me. Just to name a few, Garrett, Eric, and several North Star friends (including Blake, Alex, John, etc.) who I can call or reach out to at a moment’s notice on a bad day.
• My parents love me. Despite me having so many issues, my parents love me and even though I’m twelve hours away from them, they’re still only a phone call away when I need them.
• I live within a block of the Provo temple. Living at the FLSR, I’m super close to the temple, a place of refuge for me, even when it’s just outside on the grounds.
• I have eight temples accessible to me within an hour and a half drive from here: Bountiful, Salt Lake City, Oquirrh Mountain, Jordan River, Draper, Mount Timpanogas, Provo, and Manti. And in the next few years there will be Ogden (rededicated), Payson, and Provo City Center temples.
• I have FINALLY found a major and a career path that I want to follow. With a family studies degree, I’ll be able to help people (and more importantly help families) with issues that in very many ways run their lives unconsciously.
• I can find spiritual insights from random places, like Doctor Who (PS: Later, when I write a post about depression, I’m going to be referencing the Van Gogh episode of Doctor Who, which I LOVED).

• I have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. It’s hard work keeping it up, but the times when I really feel it, like I did during church today, it’s that little boost I need to keep me going.
• The Savior sacrificed Himself to perform the Atonement so that I could find comfort and solace in my life and so that I could be forgiven of my sins.
• We have a living prophet on the earth today! How cool is that? There is a man on the earth who tells us what God wants us to know. Even better, in two weeks we get to hear him speak!

• I am part of an eternal family. Because my parents were sealed in the Washington DC temple on July 17, 1983, I am sealed to my family for time and for all eternity.
• I have uplifting music I can listen to on a bad day. It’s AMAZING the power that music has to buoy us up and give us strength when we need it! Yesterday, while my problems climaxed, I was grateful to have this song in my iTunes library, showing exactly how I felt at the moment and throughout the past while.

• I had an AMAZING mission president when I was in Toronto. President Brower is one of the most Christ-like, loving, thoughtful, and inspired men I know (that all kind of became redundant after “Christ-like”).

• I have felt God’s love. I have days when I don’t feel it strongly or I’m not in a place where I feel it at all, but I know I have felt it. Despite my mistakes, my weaknesses, and my faults, He loves me. And nothing I can do will change that.

Those are the reasons I found to smile today during church and I know I have more. Please share in the comments what reasons you have to smile, on your good days and your bad days.

Spencer's Lesson For Me (by Garrett)

What I’m writing is something Spencer has taught me over the years. It’s not any one specific thing that he did—it’s more like something that he has consistently done throughout the entire time I’ve known him.

But first, I need to give a little backstory:

I gave up on having good friendships with guys around freshman year of high school (around age 15), when the majority of my best friends got involved in things they shouldn’t have. When my family and I moved from Arizona to Florida, it made that detachment from them easier. When I started over again in Florida, I only became friends with guys on the surface level, really. The guys I got to know were just someone to see once in a while, have campouts and some fun with, but no real getting to know any of them. They came and went just as I left Florida and moved (yet again) to Michigan.

The same thing happened there. With my disillusionment of not really wanting to make friends with guys, and with my skyrocketing interest in girls, my focus during my last 2 years of high school naturally shifted to flirting, dating, and how to treat a girl well. I found girls thrilling, and loved going from one to the other—sometimes getting into a relationship, sometimes staying as friends, and sometimes becoming something “in-between.” I loved it. I made life-long friends with these girls and learned lessons about the dynamics of love. During this time, I had very few guys that I hung out with outside of the Young Men program in church. I found it hard for myself to trust others--girl or guy--and felt it better to remain “independent” and to not get too emotionally attached. And since at church I always heard about us guys needing to always treat girls well, and how we needed to date them, I felt justified in my coldness to other guys.

But after high school, things soon changed.

When I met Spencer at the start of freshman year at BYU, he slowly but surely reestablished the kind of solid friendship with guys that I didn’t know I had been missing.

I remember one of the nights in the beginning of fall semester, I had been planning on going with Spencer and a bunch of other guys from our ward to see a football game—but I noticed that Spencer wasn’t all that willing to go. I felt prompted to stay with him instead of going to see the game.

So I did. And throughout that year, I got to see what having a “pretty much we’re brothers” kind of friend was like again.

I took to heart what I had learned from Spencer freshman year, and used it with my companions on my mission, and it really helped me to get along with them and make friendships with them. I learned how to trust friends again, and I learned the importance of having friends trusting you. 

And the best part was, my mission helped me in turn be a better friend to Spencer when I got back, and prepared me to be supportive for when he told me about his SSA.

Thanks to Spencer, I have a healthier balance between romance and friendships with women, and commradery with men. I can once again relish the kinds of friendships I had lost as a kid—doing funny and silly things, talking about hard and difficult things, talking about girls, talking about this, talking about that, and always taking care of each other.

Now we get to the lesson: that, more than anything, is what Spencer has taught me—that we are all here as brothers, children of our Heavenly Father, no matter what we struggle with (SSA or not), and we’re here to watch out for each other. Henry B. Eyring talks about this during a talk in the April 2009 General Conference, where in Priesthood Session he compares that responsibility to a group of soldiers who gave their lives to protect their fallen comrades during a battle in Somalia. President Eyring said of these men:  

“The courage to act and their selfless service came from feeling that they were responsible for the lives, the happiness, and the safety of comrades. Such a feeling of responsibility for others is at the heart of faithful priesthood service.” (“Man Down!” –April 2009 Priesthood Session)

That is the kind of spirit that Spencer demonstrates, through daily and quiet actions, and it’s one that I’ve tried to apply as I’ve gained more and more guy friends along the way. As I’ve done so, I’ve become a better man. I will forever be grateful that Spencer is an excellent example of being a brother’s keeper.

To those who have SSA: remember you still have gifts—gifts that even your SSA might give you, and you can bless the lives of everyone you have around you with those gifts. As a straight friend, I have been blessed immensely because of the gifts Spencer has inherited.

I add my testimony & my voice to the several others that Jesus Christ is Our Savior, and our perfect example. He came to our rescue. Through Him, no matter what path of life you’re on, it will get better, if you let His Atonement make it better.

My Paradigm Shift

My post today was going to be something humorous to kinda contrast how serious I’ve been lately, but right now I just don’t feel humorous. No, I’m not feeling down. I’m actually feeling really good. Very peaceful. I was just privileged to listen to a beautiful draft of the North Star Voices podcast about the Voices of Hope Project, which I contributed to. As such, I don’t feel that a humorous post would be appropriate with how I feel right now. (As a side-note, I’ve heard that the Voices of Hope website will be launch around Christmas day with the first ten videos, which were filmed back in August; I’ll do a post about that when it goes up).

Maybe just a bit of reflection then. Like I said, I listened to the podcast today and, in addition to that, a few days ago I dug back into my mission email and found the email I’d sent to my parents on August 23, 2010, telling them for the first time about my same-sex attraction. I’d like to share an excerpt from that email:

“Friday night, I was talking to Elder Call and the Spirit was guiding our conversation and it came out that I was gay. To my surprise, Elder Call told me that he already knew. He said he'd known for a while, because of promptings of the Spirit and small things I'd done/said. He'd been struggling for a while trying to figure out how to talk to me about it. We were up until 3 AM talking, but we established that I am going to overcome this and Elder Call is more than willing to help me overcome it in any way that he can.”

Back then, “overcoming” my same-sex attraction to me meant having the feelings go away completely and to never be attracted to another man again. These perfectionistic feelings were a driving force in the anxiety that ended up having me put on medical leave from my mission three weeks later. Just after I got home from Toronto, someone I knew with SSA who I wasn’t close with (let’s call him Thomas) was talking to me about his struggles and as I talked about wanting to “overcome” my SSA, he refuted the idea, saying that he didn’t want it gone. It was part of what made him the compassionate, loving person that he was proud to be. I didn’t understand how he could want to deal with same-sex attraction. Wouldn’t ANYONE want it gone so that their lives would be easier?

Over the past couple months, however, I’ve felt a paradigm shift. As I mentioned in my last post (“Grateful to be ‘Gay’”), I’m grateful to be attracted to men! Two years ago, when I had that conversation with Thomas, I would have NEVER thought that was possible. EVER! Now, I would consider myself to be a lot closer to where Thomas was two years ago. I can see what he meant and if I could decide right now to never be attracted to men again… I don’t know if I’d take it. Honestly, I don’t mind being attracted to men. Sometimes it’s kind of fun (but we’ll discuss that when I do my humorous blog post). Would it be nice to have the temptations gone? HECK YES! But that’s mortality! We all get tempted! Even the Savior was tempted! Even if I was no longer attracted to men, a different temptation would inevitably take its place!

In fact, I’m grateful to have SSA because it’s repaired my relationship with Thomas. I’ve known Thomas my whole life, but we were NEVER close. But in my journey to learn about my SSA and learn to deal with it in a healthy manner, my conversations with him have brought a brotherly love into our friendship that I will forever cherish.

To finish off, I want to share another part of the email I sent to my parents in August 2010. This part, I can tell you, hasn’t changed. I still very much believe this:

“Having ‘come out of the closet’, I feel so much strength now. I'm not alone at this anymore. I have Elder Call and President Brower to help me. I have your prayers to help me. Most importantly, I have the Savior to help me do what I can't do on my own.”

The past two years have been the biggest learning curve of my life, as I’ve learned about my SSA and found healthy ways to deal with it. It’s been hard (and I have the emotional scars to prove it) but I have come closer to the Savior because of what I’ve gone through and because of what I’ve learned. As always, as I close, I want you to remember one thing: Through the Atonement, it gets better.

(me and Elder Call, about a month after "coming out" to him)

Grateful to be "Gay"

The idea for this post was probably a long time coming, but I definitely decided to turn it into a post, after reading Josh Weed’s post on the North Star Northern Lights blog called “Thanksgiving, SSA Style”. In a funny way, it’s something I’ve thought about quite a bit recently.

I mentioned in my original SSA post (by the way, as of today, it’s been six weeks since I did that post… wow!) that I’ve begun to see my same-sex attraction as strength and not just as a trial. Sure it can be a trial at times, resisting temptations, but how different is that from any other guy being tempted by women (for the record, I have had my attractions toward women too; they’re less frequent, but I’ve had them). So yah, this is why I’m grateful for my same-sex attraction:

1. Let’s start with a silly one. Maybe it’s just a gay stereotype, but I love it that I’m “observant” of how certain colors match and play together. I really noticed this one on Thanksgiving Day actually when I was at my friend Eric’s house. I was in their bathroom and I noticed how much I liked the color coordination in there. The shower curtain complimented the wall, which complimented the towels, which complimented the countertop, which complimented the bathmat on the floor.
2. Another silly one: I love that I can laugh about it. Little things come up that make me laugh about it. For example, this summer, I was driving to a ward activity with three friends: Shelby, Michelle, and Michael. I was sitting in the back of the car while Shelby drove with Michelle in the passenger seat. At the time, neither Michelle nor Shelby knew about my SSA… but Michael did. In response to something I said, Shelby shouted back, “Spencer, stop flirting with Michael.” I just looked at him, both of us with smirks on our faces, and I responded, “Don’t worry. He’s not my type.” Michael tried to diffuse the situation, but I was having too much fun with it, so I kept talking, “I’m sorry, Michael. It’s not you, it’s me.”
3. Now for a serious one… I feel that I’ve gained a greater understanding of the Atonement. In seminary, I’d read the scripture Alma 7:11 a bit (“And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.”). Consciously, I understood that this meant that the Atonement covered more than just sins… that it covers our sorrows, sicknesses, and pains from this fallen world. However, it wasn’t until I started confronting my SSA and learning to work with/through it that I truly even begun to understand what that means. I’ve felt the enabling power of the Atonement more since then than ever before.
4. I asked my SSA friends about why they’re grateful for their SSA. Several of them mentioned that they’re grateful for the empathy that they’ve gained from it. It’s amazing how trials and difficulties can refine us and help us develop the Christ-like attributes of compassion, love, and understanding. That being said, I know some straight guys who are empathetic and compassionate. However, it’s just amazing to me how consistently the refining attribute of SSA helps men develop a sense of empathy that they wouldn’t have otherwise.
5. A couple of my friends (one of them being David, who for 3 years anonymously wrote “(Gay) Mormon Guy” before he became public) mentioned to me that they’re grateful for their SSA because it gives them the opportunity to serve others. Whether it’s because they’re helping someone else who experiences same-sex attraction or whether it’s because they’re just good at being a listening ear, I agree. It’s a great opportunity and an amazing feeling to be able to help someone in need (the joys of being an SSA Missionary). I actually think it is funny, because I was talking to one of my friends yesterday (let’s call him Lewis) about how he’s been put in the path of several people in just the past few days who he has been able to help. Lewis is still very new to the LDS SSA community, but he has a great amount of faith (he filmed for Voices of Hope, like I did, a couple weeks ago).
6. Another thing that makes me grateful for my SSA is the ability I have to connect to other people. Like I mentioned in my original SSA post, I’ve noticed that because of my SSA I’m not satisfied with a “Sup, dude” kind of relationship. Of course, there are straight guys that enjoy deeper relationships with other men, but in my experience, those are rare. I’ve also been blessed to meet other strong souls who are committed to the gospel despite of (or in some cases because of) their same-sex attraction. The bond and connection I’ve felt with these men is the strongest bond of friendship and brotherhood that I’ve experienced before, especially with how short a time I’ve known many of them.
7. The last one is probably one of the most powerful that I’ve learned (and that I’m still trying to internalize better). When I asked one of my friends (let’s call him Danny), he was one of the ones who brought up how much he’s been able to understand God’s infinite perfect love because of his SSA. There is so much proof of how much God loves us: “Yea, it is the love of God, which...is the most desirable above all things.” (1 Nephi 11:33), “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son…” (John 3:16), “Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.” (1 John 4:7)… The list could go on. Recently I’ve had a hard time loving myself. I grew up not really having any friends and the ones I did have always felt “temporary”, as if I was just there until they found someone better or cooler. I felt small, insignificant, and forgettable. It wasn’t until I got to BYU and became friends with Garrett, Juliana, and Becca that I really felt like I had friends that I could count on. Even with all the friends I have now who I treasure (Garrett (and his family), Becca, Juliana, Elder Call, Eric (and his family), Justin, Tyler, Joey, Phil, Scott, Ian, Michael, Michelle, Jeremy, Curtis, Jack… the list goes on and on) I struggle to know that all these people can really love me and are not just going to brush me aside in a few days, weeks, or months. Yes, relationships change, but love doesn’t. Something that I have at least begun to learn is how much my Heavenly Father loves me. Why should He love me? I’ve sinned, I’m flawed, and (in my opinion) I look funny… and yet He loves me despite my imperfections and because of them.

(This is one of my favorite pictures of the Savior... like #5, He is a listening ear for us)

I know that God loves me. I know that He loves you. If you have any doubt of that, take a good long look in the mirror and say to your reflection “God loves you perfectly. God loves me perfectly.” It is so much harder than I could have expected, but there’s power in expressing those words. He loves you and (though I may not know you) I love you. And as always, no matter what you’re going through, through the Atonement, it gets better.