I See His Hand

For the anniversary of the Voices of Hope project, I want to share something somewhat unrelated. Something I’ve been thinking about since Sunday.

In the Book of Mormon, Alma says that “all things denote there is a God; yea, even the earth, and all things that are upon the face of it, yea, and its motion, yea, and also all the planets which move in their regular form do witness that there is a Supreme Creator” (Alma 30:44). I’ve been thinking about what things “witness that there is a Supreme Creator” in my life, so here’s a little bit of a quick list.

1.      I see His hand in every picture I see my sister-in-law post of my nephew Carson. The little boy has an adorable innocent smile.

2.      I see His hand in every video I see of my “niece” Rachel, either posted on Facebook by her mother or sent to me by her grandma. This adorable 20-month-old always makes me smile.

3.      I see His hand when I hear just the right song at just the right time. I have a Christian radio station (kLove) favorited in my car and sometimes I’ll turn the car on and a song comes on to bless me in just the way I need.

4.      I see His hand when I see the numbers 4-4-4 together on a license plate, in a phone number, or wherever. Like I’ve said before, the triple-4 reminds me of serving with Elder Call and how it reminded him of his favorite scripture Alma 44:4. Now these numbers remind me of that scripture, that great missionary I had the honor to serve with, and the scripture that gives me strength to warrior on and keep going.

5.      I see His hand in a rainy day. I remember being on bikes on my mission with Elder Call and just how excited he was when it was rainy and stormy. Especially on those summer days in Toronto when it was really warm, I enjoyed the rain too.

6.      I see His hand in the welcoming arms of my friends. I am blessed to know some of the most Christ-like people and I am learning not to question why they would want to be friends with someone as ordinary and flawed as me. Regardless, every warm hug, every loving text, and every Christ-like act of love shows me that I am not alone and that God has answered the prayers that I prayed for years as a teenager, that I would finally have friends.

7.     I see His hand in the progress I’ve made emotionally over the past year or so. I look back at the person I was a year ago or two years ago and I feel such empathy for the young man who thought he’d never be capable of being happy. I have my stormy days still, but in them I try to hold onto the memory of all the good.

8.      I see His hand in the Voices of Hope Project. Sometimes I’ll be having a difficult day and a new video will come out that day and what is said is exactly what I need (on that note remember to like their page on Facebook).

I am grateful for the knowledge I have of a loving Heavenly Father. I am grateful for His love which helps me grow. I am grateful for the many blessings He has given me. I am grateful to know that He can help me in my life in whatever I am doing. I know He loves me.

In the comments, I’d love to hear how you see His hand in your life.

I'm Not Finished Yet

One year ago I "came out of the closet". For a while I've been thinking about what I could write about in honor of this one year anniversary. This is what I came up with...

This past month, I did my re-shoot for my Voices of Hope video. As I prepped, I had my trepidations. Was I ready? If not, when would I be? Wouldn't it be better to wait until I had a "happy ending" and I was able to film my video alongside a beautiful woman?

As I thought about how nice it would be to doing my video with my wife, I remembered something that Ty told me last year when I met him at my original Voices of Hope shoot in November. I hadn't been sure if said everything that I'd wanted to in my video. Ty mentioned to me that he'd had similar feelings after writing "In Quiet Desperation". When he had written that, he wasn't married. In fact, he still wasn't sure he'd ever get married. Now, years later he is married and he has two kids.

Even just since I came out last year, so much has happened. I filmed my Voices if Hope video in November, I moved to the Foreign Language Student Residence (FLSR) for a semester, I changed my major (again), I went to Journey into Manhood, and I did my re-shoot for my Voices of Hope video last month. I did all these things and I've done more too.

The great thing for me to realize is that there's more to come. I'm not finished yet. I have a lot to look forward to: marriage (whenever that happens), my own family, making more new friends, and learning more and more things in school (I've got 2.5 years left after all).

In fact, how sad would it be if I was "ready" for my video? At least by my former definition of "ready" (married, family, and completely perfect), that would make life kind of boring. I have so much to look forward to right now because I'm not finished yet.

There is always more good to come!

Like a Litter of Puppies

Taking a short break from my homework to reflect on my Voices of Hope shoot this past weekend.

So a little more about why they decided to re-do my shoot. From the word of the producer himself (Kerry Harding) apparently I looked depressed in my original shoot, like my “dog had just died”. Talking about hope and the Atonement, but looking depressed, they decided to have me re-do the video.

Fair enough, I figured. Actually, I was pretty excited. When Ty first mentioned to me that they wanted me to re-shoot my video, I was relieved. I did my original shoot in November and it was fine. I felt like I was in a good place and I think I was, after I’d come out and had such good responses to it. However, in the months that followed I felt like I fell apart emotionally in many ways. After all the work it took to get myself back together (including going to my Journey Into Manhood weekend), I had actually been thinking that I wished I could re-do my video, having learned so much in the months following my shoot.

I got my wish! And this past Sunday was GREAT! I got to the house where we were filming and I was nervous! I don’t really get nervous. Well, that’s a lie. I get nervous, but it never hits until a few hours before. At the earliest, I get nervous earlier the day of a big event. I was too busy being excited to be nervous about my shoot. It wasn’t until I was about an hour and a half away from the shoot that the anxiety hit and I was looking through my notes, sure that I would forget to say something that I wanted to. I felt like I was cramming for a test, even though the “test” was on my life. What did I need to study for?

Shortly before the shoot, I got a blessing from Garrett, who came to support me. As the shoot before mine ended, we hung out with some of the people who had been in the room for that shoot (including Kerry, Ty, and some of the crew). Finally the camera was ready for my shoot. They got me wired up with a microphone and into the chair. As I got going, telling my story to Ty (he was my point-man, the person I talked to, in order to give me somewhere to look), it just came. Things that I had intended to say came easily, things that I had hadn’t planned to say came up, and other things I had planned to say felt unimportant.

I got to testify of the Atonement, the love of God, and the purpose of the trials in my life. At one point I think I started crying. I felt the Spirit testify of what I was doing. A lot of my story had to do more with my mission than with my SSA, but it was all told anyway. Afterwards, Kerry Harding, in contrast to what he’d said about my last shoot, said that this one seemed more like my dog “had had a litter of puppies” (for the record, I don’t have a dog, but I decided not to tell Kerry that).

I’m very excited for it to be released, but as it was just recorded, it’ll be a while. I don’t know how long, but in the meantime there are plenty of other videos already released for me to watch, re-watch, and draw strength from. As such, my next post will probably be another Voices of Hope post (since I haven’t done one in a while). Until then, whoever you are, reader, I want you to know that you are infinitely loved of God and no matter what you do that will never change.

Pre-Reshoot (Voices of Hope)

Voices of Hope essay. Done. Sent.

After several edits and revisions (thank you to my parents and my friends who proofed it for me). Now that that's done, I can prepare for my re-shoot this coming weekend (for anyone I didn't tell, they wanted to re-do my video after I did my essay).

I'm grateful for the opportunity I had to write that essay. Fifteen pages from my heart. It was an amazing experience to review my journey, from my earliest memories of same-sex attraction, through the struggles of addiction and shame, and to where I am now. I'm not perfect, but I am a lot better than I used to be. Even compared to when I did my original shoot, I'm better. I've grown. And generally speaking, I'm happier.

With Ty Mansfield after my original shoot

I look forward to being able to do my re-shoot for my Voices if Hope video. I'm grateful that I have this opportunity to re-do it, having learned and grown a lot since my original shoot in November. I've been through a lot, including my semester living in the FLSR (BYU's foreign language housing), my therapeutic work, and my time at and since JiM.

I know that my Redeemer lives. I have learned a lot about what it means to be redeemed and what the Atonement can do for me. I know that He is looking out for me. I am grateful for the community that I have found and the unity and brotherhood that I have found there. I never expected that I could have the friends that I do and I never expected that I could feel such distinct feelings if joy.

Even more now than when this started, I know that through the Atonement it (life, struggles, etc.) gets better.

August 13

Written August 13, 2013

Transcribed August 24, 2013

I’m sitting on the lido deck of the Carnival Conquest cruise ship as I write this. I just got done playing mini-golf with my two sisters-in-law, my little brother, and one of my nephews, the whole time holding my baby nephew (and I did a pretty good job for mini-golfing one-handed).

According to my journal, today is one year since I first started reading Voices of Hope, after having had it recommended to me for months. Little did I know when I opened that book for the first time, I would soon be joining those men and women. One year ago today, I had the prompting that ended up changing my life on October 20.

I’ve learned a lot since then. And I wanted to share a little of that:

1.      It’s okay to love

2.      It’s okay to be loved.

3.      I need to love myself.

4.      I need guy time every once and a while.

5.      Nothing can compensate for lost sleep.

6.      Sometimes a good night’s slight can fix everything (or at least put it back in perspective).

7.      Physical touch doesn’t have to be sexual.

8.      Physical touch can easily turn sexual.

9.      A good hug can put my crises in the proper perspective.

10.  Having a best friend who tries to understand SSA is invaluable.

11.  Emotions are not good or bad; they just are.

12.  Forgiveness is always possible, for me and for others.

13.  Love is always the answer, even if it’s tough love.

14.  Priesthood leaders are not perfect.

15.  Imperfect priesthood leaders are not a good reason for me to leave the church.

16.  A talk with a kind priesthood leader can change my mood completely.

17.  God can take it when I need to express anger with Him.

18.  Someone saying something ignorant or stupid doesn’t mean they don’t love me.

19.  The only person I can control is me.

20.  Trying to control others is exhausting and pointless.

21.  God can make good use out of a bad decision.

Those are just the lessons that came to mind today. I’ve been blessed to learn these lessons, and many others, during this past year. It hasn’t been easy (in fact some parts of it have been my own personal hell) but I can see how it’s helped me grow.

Voice(s) of Hope Preview

Well, the day is getting close: the Voice(s) of Hope project will soon be online. A few weeks ago, the first video for the Voice(s) of Hope project was released, followed by two other videos, as a preview for the website. After waiting for this for months, I’m excited to see it come about. The whole way through, this has been a spiritual experience. Filming back in November was so cool; the Spirit was strong in that home as I told my story, and as I witnessed other people telling their stories as well. Less than a month later, we also got the North Star Voices podcast doing an episode on how things had gone during filming. Now, it’s almost ready (each of the screencaps below has a link to the highlight version of the respective video).

"Hope comes through a knowledge that the Savior
has felt all these things." --Blake Fisher

The first of the previews was a video of my friend Blake. I met Blake back in August and his testimony has been strength to me throughout the time I’ve known him. A major theme I could relate to was how his plans for his life didn’t work out. That one I can relate to. It would be an understatement to say that my life hasn’t turned out as I planned. I especially liked his experience in feeling that the Lord would take care of him is something I can relate to. Recently as I’ve dealt with a kind of culmination of dealing with Aspergers, anxiety, SSA, school, and financial problems, I’ve found that that’s something the Lord wants me to learn too. No matter how many experiences I have… No matter how many emotional breakdowns I have, I always have this sense that the Lord will help me and keep me safe.

"When the Spirit speaks truth to your heart, then
you know you can move forward." --Lolly Weed

The second video is of Josh and Lolly Weed, a couple of my heroes. I’ve met him twice (at the Evergreen Conference fireside this past September and at the AMCAP conference weekend in November). He and his wife actually filmed their video later the same evening that I did mine. I remember hearing them discuss with Ty about “What more can we say than we’ve said?” After having been on television and all of that, you’d think they’d have told their whole story. Not quite. This project allowed them to touch the spiritual aspect of their story, something that the world doesn’t understand about their story. One of the first things that impacted me—that EVERYONE should remember—is that there are NO lesser saints. Every child of God has the potential to become like our Heavenly Father. Every one of our brothers and sisters is capable of attaining the highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom. I agree with them that helping one person is enough to make all THIS vulnerability (what I’m doing on my blog) worth it. For more on Josh Weed, check out his blog or you can check out his story in Voices of Hope, which he wrote using the pen-name “Jason G. Lockhart”.

"Even when we feel like what we're going through is too
hard ... I know the Lord gets it." --Katharine Matis Adams

The final preview is of Katharine Matis Adams. Her parents wrote of her brother’s story in “In Quiet Desperation” and she later told the story of her late husband, Christian Adams, in “Voices of Hope”. Both her brother and her husband dealt with SSA. The love and care that she shows for her brother and for her husband and their terribly rough experiences with their SSA is powerful. It hurts me to hear her say that her brother’s bishop gave him permission to stop attending church, that it was so bad. There needs to be a place in the church for people with SSA. We are doing SO much better now than we used to, in my opinion. However, there is still much we can improve on. Later, Katharine talks about when her husband went to Journey into Manhood, which is when he really began to love himself more. After all I’ve dealt with and all of the scars that I still have from growing up with brothers who tease and classmates who make fun, making me believe I was worthless, this makes me excited to go and experience Journey into Manhood for myself. I hope to find that greater love for myself like Christian did.

I’ll admit, I could never top what Blake, Josh and Lolly, and Katharine have said in their videos. The Spirit is SO strong, as they share their stories and their testimonies. I’d invite you to watch each of their videos. No matter who you are or what you deal with in your life, I hope these videos help you feel of God’s love for you. He does love you. I hope that you feel the hope that each of these individuals expresses and find a way to apply it to yourself, no matter your situation. My experiences and my knowledge are limited, but one thing I know is that the Lord loves you.

2012: Year in Review

It’s hard to believe that 2012 is over. In some ways it seems like just yesterday that I was in California with my family celebrating the New Year. Yet in other ways it seems like it’s been forever. It’s certainly been an interesting year. A year ago, I would have never expected that I would be where I am. Like many people, the end of the year is a time of reflection for me. In my family, for many years we had a tradition (typically falling on the first Monday of the New Year, for FHE) where we did a “Year in Review”, where we had different topics to get us thinking about things that had happened during the year and what we would remember. So, that’s what I want to do today: My 2012 Year in Review.

Neatest Place You were in 2012

Honestly, most of my year was spent in Utah, no further north than Bountiful and no further south than Provo. The only big excursion I did was my trip out east this past summer. I flew out to Grand Rapids, Michigan where I saw Garrett for the first time in two years, we drove out to Toronto to visit people from my mission, and then we drove down to Niagara Falls and Palmyra before heading back to Michigan. Other than Michigan, I’d been to all of those places before, but it was a great experience being there again with my best friend.

Me and Garrett on our trip, while at Niagara Falls

Biggest Surprise of the Year

The biggest surprise probably was the prompting I received in mid-August, while reading Voice(s) of Hope, to start blogging about my SSA. It seemed to come out of nowhere and it stuck with me. I thought about it and prayed about it for about two months before I ended up doing it. I knew it’d be scary (like I’ve said before, October 20 was the scariest day of my LIFE) but I was also overwhelmed with all of the positive feedback (again, thank you all for your support and for giving me that positive feedback). Honestly, I feel like that prompting (though directly only got me to start blogging) got me to do the Voice(s) of Hope project and also to get more involved in the North Star community, which brought about another big surprise: I felt at home there, in ways that I don’t know if I’ve ever felt before.

Josh and Lolly Weed's Voice(s) of Hope shoot

Best TV Show/Movie You Watched

Anyone who knows me relatively closely knows that I’m a big fan of the ABC show “Once Upon a Time”. Though the acting can be kind of corny and the writing can be kind of cheesy… I figure, it’s a fairy tale show; of course it’ll be that way. One of the themes I love the most in the show is the idea of “true love” typically used in the sense of “true love’s kiss”. Unlike most versions of fairy tale stories, in this show “true love” doesn’t mean the same as “soul mates”. It has more to do with who you truly love, whether it’s romantically with a couple or from a mother to her son.

Mom and Dad and True Love's Kiss

Saddest Day/Time in 2012

The worst part of this year for me was around February and March. After coming home from serving in Calgary, I was a bit of a wreck in some ways. I felt like a failure. I felt like I had been cheated from what I wanted to do the most. In February and March, I dealt with some major depression, trying to overcome those feelings. The feeling of being a failure as a missionary translated into my schoolwork, making me lose confidence in my ability to fulfill my assignments. I remember one day in particular that was bad… I was crying in my car about being home from my mission… I wanted to be in the mission field and yet I also knew I would be suffering emotionally if I was out there. It seemed like there was no way that I could be happy with myself. That night, I talked to my trainer, Elder Jared Call, on the phone and he helped me realize that it was okay to feel that pain and it was okay to feel that way. Honestly, that night was the beginning of my journey to become happy again with myself.

Elder Call visiting me in Provo a year ago

Happiest Day/Time in 2012

It’s hard to say what the happiest time of the year has been for me. There were many of them. My road trip with Garrett was amazing. Being able to spend days on end, just me and my best friend, visiting place that I love was the best. It was also during this trip that I told Garrett about my SSA and he has been one of my strongest allies as I’ve “come out” and done this SSA Missionary Work on my blog. Another one of the “happiest” times of this year was receiving all of the positive feedback about my blog on October 20. Blogging about my SSA was something that made me feel extremely vulnerable and the positive feedback made me feel so much better and empowered to be able to share my story. Attending the AMCAP Conference and filming for Voice(s) of Hope were a couple of other amazing experiences this year. Being able to share my testimony and then meet a few of my heroes (Ty Mansfield, Josh Weed, etc.). In addition, the North Star Christmas fireside, where I felt such a strong sense of home and Zion, was another event this year that would rank on my happiest.

AMCAP Conference Panel

Best Book/Magazine You’ve Read

If you couldn’t guess it already, my favorite book this year was Voice(s) of Hope. It is what set the ball rolling for so much of what happened to me in the second half of the year. It is such an amazing compilation of testimonies and spiritual experiences. It has taught me so much about myself through the experiences of others. If you have a desire to learn about SSA from a gospel perspective, get this book. My dad has read it, Garrett is reading it, “Steve” bought a copy for himself… and each of them has said how much it has helped them understand SSA.

Voice(s) of Hope booth at the AMCAP Conference

Things You Will Remember From the News

With everything that’s happened in the world, a couple things I will remember from this year follow a similar theme to what I’ve already talked about. In many ways, this is the “Year of the ‘Gay’” for me, coming to accept my SSA more fully, joining the North Star/LDS SSA community, and “coming out” on my blog. As such, a couple things I remember from the news have to do with my heroes of the SSA community: Josh Weed and Ty Mansfield. After Josh did his blog post about being a gay man in a heterosexual marriage, it went viral to the point that he ended up on ABC’s Nightline special, in addition to making other media appearances. I’ve met Josh and his wife and honestly they had no idea how big of a splash this would make. Yet a splash it did make and despite persecution they’ve received since then, they stand as witnesses of the truth to the world. Another thing from the news I remember is Ty Mansfield on CNN after the church released its new website about SSA. Ty was not respected very well in that interview and as always my respect for him and his wife (both of whom have received persecution, while being in the spotlight) for what they do in standing up for the truth.

Josh and Lolly Weed on ABC's Nightline

What Would You Like to Do In 2013?

As far as secular things, I want to get into my major. I think I have finally figured out what I want to do for a major. I think I want to study Family Life and then go into marriage and family therapy. In the past few months, with everything I’ve learned from dealing with my SSA with such a steep learning curve, I’ve been able to see how SSA, abuse, infidelity, and a lack of communication can cause problems in a marriage and in a family. The world is falling apart when it comes to families. The adversary is attacking the family on all fronts because he knows that if he can break down the family, he can break down the rest of society. That’s why I want to help save the family. The world needs people with a testimony of the gospel and a testimony of the plan of salvation to help mend families. On a more personal level, I want to continue to help people with my blog. I love it when I hear that my blog has helped someone. One such person who continues to remain anonymous to me (which I TOTALLY understand) has never told anyone about his SSA but has been able to find help and support through my blog. I cherish moments like that or experiences like I had with “Steve”.

Me with Ty Mansfield after my Voice(s) of Hope shoot

Favorite Talk in Church/Conference

My favorite conference talk was probably Elder Holland this fall (I love Elder Holland’s talks!). I’ve had people talk to me about going overboard with the SSA thing and talking about it too much and I’ve had some people that felt uncomfortable talking about it period. Why do I do it then? Honestly, because I feel like I have felt the call from my Heavenly Father to use my talent in writing and in words to help His children. Of course it’s not an official calling, but I feel the need to do it, especially in my demographic. I understand that many young men my age with SSA will not be comfortable outing themselves over the internet, but no one ever said they should. I felt that I should though, because the young single adult demographic needed to be represented, because even here at BYU I’ve seen so many people with conflicting ideas on how to reconcile their SSA. Some would say that the only option is to go into a same-sex relationship, even if you have to wait until you’re graduated from BYU to do it. Some would say go ahead with a same-sex relationship right now. In many ways, it seems like they only give people with SSA one choice: Be true to yourself and give up on your faith.

However, I will not give up on my faith. Yes, it would be physically pleasing to be with a man. Yes, it might even be emotionally satisfying. No, it’s not worth sacrificing my faith and my testimony. Be true to myself? Fine. I will, because being true to myself means being true to my testimony, because my faith and my testimony are more of a defining characteristic to me than my sexuality. Because I love my Savior and because I love my Heavenly Father, I will stand as a witness for Them and for the truth! I know that I can have faith in my Father in Heaven because He knows what’s best for me. I know I can find hope and peace through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I know that it is through them that it gets better.

PS: What would your "2012: Year in Review" include?

My Gift to You (Christmas 2012)

Merry Christmas 2012! Well, we survived the “end of the world”; what next? Well, today was Christmas and I was blessed to be able to spend it with my parents and my little brother. Tonight, as the day is calming down, I wanted to give you all a last minute Christmas present. This is my “Voices of Hope” playlist. Of course, you’ve seen me write about “Voices of Hope”, but this playlist is something a little different. Whereas the Voice(s) of Hope website and the book are particularly about same-sex attraction, this playlist is just a series of songs that give me hope. In my struggles and experiences with same-sex attraction, that’s why most of these songs are on this playlist. However, this playlist also gives me hope in my other struggles (be it annoying coworkers, a fender bender (which happened to me yesterday, sadly), or being alone in your apartment for a week, which also happened to me this week).  Anyway, here we go…

Song #1—“Who Am I” by Casting Crowns

One of the points I wanted to get across the most in my original SSA post was that I don’t want my SSA to define who I am. Yes, it has become a very prominent part of my life; especially in the past couple months since my “coming out”. But no, it does not define me. As I’ve mentioned before, I am so much more than my SSA. I am a brother. I am an uncle. I am a writer. I am a returned missionary. I am a student. I am a friend. I am a member of the Lord’s true church. Most importantly, I am a child of God. I love this song by Casting Crowns because it so clearly says to me that no matter how much I do and how much I am, without Him, I am nothing. So, who am I? I am a child of God… and I am His.

Song #2—“This is Your Life” by Switchfoot

This song by Switchfoot is one that sends me into a lot of introspection. It makes me look back at the past day, week, month, year, and lifetime. What do I regret? What don’t I regret? What can I do to make the second category more prominent? Who do I want to be? King Benjamin counseled his people to watch their thoughts, deeds, and words because that is who they would become. This is a song about repentance. Who do I want to be and what changes do I need to make in my life to become him?

Song #3—“Marching On” by OneRepublic

This song has given me an impression (similar to “This is Your Life”) of introspection. What do you like? What don’t you like? Take what you like about yourself. Take your strengths, take your good qualities, and leave the negative ones behind. Move on and press forward, away from the negative. When you make a mistake, own up to it and move on. There is and never will be a point in brooding over what we’ve done wrong. Learn from it, and continue marching on.

Song #4—“I Dare You to Move” by Switchfoot

Another Switchfoot song (you’ll see a pattern of that in this post… I like Switchfoot). This song has had a lot of meaning to me lately, as I’ve felt stuck in one place at times. At times, my mistakes and my imperfections overwhelm me. However, like the very first lines to this song say, welcome to mortality. Everyone has their stuff to deal with. However, it is our choice to move on and dare ourselves to take the step out of our comfort zones to where we will stretch and maybe hurt, but ultimately grow. Like the previous two songs, this song invites me to take a good look at who I am and who I want to be. Like “Marching On”, it motivates me to action to leave the past behind and become a better disciple of Christ and child of God.

Song #5—“I’ll Make a Man Out of You” from Mulan

This has been one of the funnest songs for me since being in the cast of the Hill Cumorah Pageant in 2009. I even wrote a blog post about it last year. Especially in regards to my SSA, I can see how my struggles have made me look at myself and become a better man. Honestly, one of the blessings of having SSA is that it forces me to be humble. However, although consciously I know my struggles will make me stronger, in the midst of temptation and hardship, my SSA (and other trials) can be more like Shang is when he tells Mulan to go home (2:24 mark in the video). However, that’s the moment that matters the most. I am the most hurt. I am the lowest. I can’t go any longer. And yet, something inside me pushes forward and instead of giving up, I become a better man because I chose to take on my struggles head-on.

Song #6—“Goodbye, Apathy” by OneRepublic

A couple days ago this song really described how I felt. I was in emotional crisis mode (in regards to “I’ll Make a Man Out of You”, I was being told by Shang to go home). I felt empty and I felt apathetic to everything around me. However, thanks to a couple of friends (you know who you are), I was able to break out of that mindset and begin to care for my emotional wellbeing again. Saying goodbye to my apathy opened the floodgates for my negative emotions too… but I actually felt grateful for that, because I felt the motivation to keep going and to (going back to the Mulan analogy) retrieve that arrow from the top of the pole. Honestly, I’m still working toward the top, but I won’t give up on making it there.

Song #7—“Defying Gravity” from Wicked

In the world, I feel as though people with SSA are told to just live a gay lifestyle and “be true to themselves”. However, that’s not who I am. Instead, I choose to stand up against their words and stand up for the truth, for the gospel, for the church, which has been attacked by the LGBT community in the past. DISCLAIMER: I am not meaning to bash on any people who live a gay lifestyle. However, I am choosing to “side” with my faith, not my sexuality. This decision to live a life of faith can be difficult. I have heard stories of Josh and Lolly Weed and Ty and Danielle Mansfield being the recipients of persecution because they choose to support the church. I stand with them. I stand with my Savior, no matter how unpopular that decision may be. Back to the song… “nobody in all of Oz, no wizard that there is or was, is ever gonna bring me down.”

(me and two of my brothers after going to see Wicked in Salt Lake City this summer)

Song #8—“Chasing the Sun” by The Wanted

This song is a favorite of my friend “John” (in fact he wanted to use it as part of his Voices of Hope video). Today I was asked by one of my readers if I’ve been happier since I “came out”. I told him that I have no always been happier, but I do not regret the decision to “come out”. Like this song says, I am better, so much better now. I can see the light of the Son and I refuse to run away from what He has asked me to do. I feel a pull to be a missionary, even if it’s in a very unusual sense. I believe it’s what the Lord has called me to do, because His children need a voice of hope. I will continue to follow Him throughout the rest of my life.

Song #9—“Keep Holding On” by Avril Lavigne

After all of those power songs, I want to slow down a little… Yes, I have felt the call. Yes, I am committed to the gospel. Yes, I even enjoy my SSA sometimes. However, that doesn’t change how hard it is sometimes. It’s hard to be in elders’ quorum and have a lesson on dating. Sometimes it’s hard to see happy couples around BYU’s campus and not feel jealous or lonely. Honestly, it’s hard for me to see Garrett, my best friend, with his girlfriend at times. Do I want them to break up? HECK NO! But it can be hard. Even though I have felt attracted to women before, it’s hard. However, I know that as I “keep holding on” to the iron rod, I will be okay and He will give me strength and carry me through the parts of life that I can’t handle on my own.

Song #10—“Rise Above It” by Switchfoot

Like “Defying Gravity”, to me this song talks about living above the status quo. Just because the world says something is okay doesn’t mean that it is. Honestly, sometimes, like this song says, “I guess I’m looking for a miracle” and “we can be who we want to be.” In the simplest sense, this song is about living above the way of the world. We are a peculiar people. We are meant to be set apart and different from the rest of the world, because we know better. We are meant to be that example of what it means to be a follower of Christ.

Song #11—“Only Hope” by Switchfoot

Bringing it back down again… Switchfoot, being a Christian rock band, is one of my favorites because they do stuff like this. As much as I want to help others and as much as I want my friends to help me, I recognize that the true source of hope and only lasting hope comes from the Lord Jesus Christ. As much as I love talking about the Voices of Hope project, I want to reiterate what Steven Frei said at the North Star Christmas fireside: “Two thousand years ago, Mary and Joseph knocked. Now, Christ knocks at our door. He is our true Voice of hope.” When you look at the Voices of Hope logo, note that it actually says “Voice(s) of Hope” with the “s” in parenthesis. The book and the website have “Voices of Hope” but even more importantly, each of those voices (of which mine will soon be a part) testifies of the true and living Voice of hope, our Redeemer, Jesus Christ.

I want to close off with a question for you. What song(s) would be on your Voices of Hope playlist, whether you struggle with SSA, addiction, self-esteem, bad grades, or whatever? What brings hope to you and helps you to remember the Atonement?

As always, I want to end with my testimony of the Atonement… I know that Jesus Christ, the Baby of Bethlehem, was born to atone for me, for you, and for all of us. He paid the price that we couldn’t and I will forever be grateful for His sacrifice that brings me everlasting hope. As I always say, it is through the Atonement that we can gain hope and that it gets better. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Behind the Voices

(me with Ty Mansfield, the man who started this great movement)

A couple weeks ago, I was asked for some input and reflections about the Voices of Hope project, which I was filmed for on November 16. A little while later, after the podcast was released, I listened to it. This episode of the North Star Voices podcast was about the filming of the project, the feelings and impressions that those involved had on that day.

I figured the podcast would be spiritual, but, like the filming of the project itself, I didn’t expect it to be THAT powerful. For the sake of some confidentiality (because of Google and stuff) I’m not going to mention most people by name, so this post will mostly be a summary of the thoughts and feelings from the podcast.

One thing that I absolutely LOVED was mentioned by at least eight of those interviewed and I wholeheartedly agree: The community, the brotherhood, the bond, the camaraderie, and the family there was tangible. Like I’ve mentioned before, it’s in those moments that I can glimpse Zion. Reo, one of the cameramen (who does not experience same-sex attraction), made the comment, “I feel like I'm in the temple right now.” Multiple people noted how strong the Spirit was; one Voices of Hope participant noted that it was because people are testifying that there is hope through Jesus Christ. Reo also noted that it was because there was so much love, acceptance, and understanding of the Atonement present at those filming locations. A different participant noted that earlier on in his journey, he believed he was the only “gay man” trying to live the gospel. I can say from experience that I’ve felt that way before too and I know many people who have felt that way. However, it’s not true! As this participant said, “You are not alone! There are a lot of us!” Another participant said that he went through withdrawals in the days following his shoot, because his life was so mundane compared to the power he’d felt at the shoots. One of the project’s coordinators noted that the camaraderie was an unexpected (yet very welcomed) byproduct of the project. I am grateful to count myself as part of this brotherhood and this Voices of Hope family.

Another common theme in the podcast was how much the Lord provided the participants with words to speak. One participant is not a native English speaker, so he was worried about being able to convey all that he wanted to in his second language. However, he said, “I didn’t lack any words.” A couple others, though native English speakers, had similar worries. One of them, reflecting on what he’d said, noted that it was what he would have wanted to hear if he had heard it while he was struggling. The other said that he had prayed, “Wilt thou give me the words to speak?” He testified that he had been given those inspired words. Like them, I had been a little worried about having said everything right or having said enough. A few things have brought me comfort in that. First, while talking to Ty Mansfield after my shoot, he noted that even after writing “In Quiet Desperation” and “Voices of Hope”, he still had much more he wanted to say. Also, he noted that when he wrote “In Quiet Desperation” he didn’t expect to get married in this life. That comment reminded me that my story will never be able to be told in full during this life, because I’m continuously writing it. Another thing that brought me comfort is this blog. I am free to share my thoughts and reflections about my SSA and other things in my life and be able to share my testimony at all times.

Another one that I’ve brought up a few times became a common theme. It was mentioned multiple times how SSA is not a weakness. It is a blessing and strength. William Seger (who wrote “Why Me?: A Gay Man's Struggle for Love and Family”) noted that it is a blessing! He continuously reminds a young man he knows that it is a blessing. However, where that young man is, he cannot see it. William’s wife referenced Ether 12:27 in supporting her husband. Another participant said, “Learn to love it! Love yourself! Enjoy the fact that you see others differently! ... Don't let the world tell you who you are. Tell the world who you are!” I absolutely loved that!

Here’s another point I wanted to bring up… it was emphasized my multiple people in the podcast how much agency plays into this. William Seger mentioned agency twice during his snippet and emphasized how we choose what we want to become. The gay lifestyle is not the only choice. As noted previously, you choose who you want to be! Don’t let the world decide who you want to be! Don’t let their lies tell you that you are less than you are. One thing I loved that I said was this: “You are more than your mistakes and your weaknesses... they don't define you... your weaknesses can be your strengths.”

The podcast ended with some words from the project’s coordinator. He noted that even now as they’ve filmed forty participants, we have no idea how far this project will reach and what the impact will be. Eventually, they would even like to do videos from other countries (England, Thailand, Chile, etc). He quoted Joseph Smith in saying, “No unhallowed hand can stop this work from progressing.”

Finally, the podcast ended off with a clip of Elder Jefferey R. Holland from October 2011 Priesthood session of General Conference. I remember this distinctly. I was in Calgary at the time and it had been a hard time for me, but this re-energized me: “Satan cannot directly take a life. That is one of many things he cannot do. But apparently his effort to stop the work will be reasonably well served if he can just bind the tongue of the faithful ...  I ask for a stronger and more devoted voice, a voice not only against evil and him who is the personification of it, but a voice for good, a voice for the gospel, a voice for God. Brethren of all ages, unbind your tongues and watch your words work wonders in the lives of those “who are only kept from the truth because they know not where to find it.”

I have a testimony of this work. Just like any other kind of missionary work, the Lord will support this. And above all else, remember that through the Atonement, it gets better.

PS: Here’s a link to the podcast. Yours truly is featured at the time marker 49:40

Sounds Like Zion

Sunday night this week was great! After having a great day with some friends after a friend’s Melchezidek priesthood ordination (PS: Congratulations again, Phil), I went to the annual North Star Christmas musical fireside. Such an amazing, powerful, spiritual experience!

I arrived with my friends just in time for it to start. Immediately, I felt a sense of peace as I saw the faces of familiar people, many of whom I’ve met in person, but also many that I had only met online. As the fireside started, I pegged a word to the feeling I had. I texted my Dad that I was at the fireside and then said, “I feel at home here.” His reply struck me: “Saints united in a righteous cause… the Spirit there… Sounds like Zion.”

I knew he was right. I could recall the scripture I’d memorized years ago in seminary: “And the Lord called his people Zion, because they were of one heart and one mind, and dwelt in righteousness; and there was no poor among them.” (Moses 7:18) “One heart and one mind”… isn’t that exactly what I was feeling in that room? Isn’t that what I’d felt just a few weeks before at the AMCAP conference? Isn’t that what I’d felt for months at my Evergreen group? I remembered once telling Garrett about my feelings at an Evergreen meeting. “You wouldn’t expect the Spirit to be so strong in a room full of men that the world would call ‘gay’,” I’d said. And yet, that’s what I felt. Why? Because we’re striving to live the gospel.

As difficult as it can be sometimes to be attracted to men, I have felt some of the strongest testimonies among my SSA friends. They’d have to be the strongest… otherwise we’d fall into what Lehi called “forbidden paths” (1 Nephi 8:28) Add this to another reason why I’m grateful to be “gay”: my testimony is not what it probably would have been, had it not been for my SSA. What if we could have that unity of purpose and testimony in our elders’ quorums and relief societies? Imagine how the church and the world would change. Honestly, I think the church wouldn’t have to put out websites like this one (“Love One Another: A Discussion on Same-Sex Attraction”) to teach us to love each other unconditionally (PS: I plan on doing a blog post in the future on this new church website… I want to explore it more first). It would be inherent and intuitive.

As if the feeling of home/Zion wasn’t powerful enough for me, I was blown away by the musical numbers and the three speakers. In particular, I felt the Spirit wash over me when my friend (let’s call him Keith) sang “Silent Night”. Keith has an AMAZING voice and especially having gotten to know him over the past few weeks and learn from his story, I know very much of his testimony as well and I know that he has a powerful testimony of the Atonement and of Jesus Christ, of whom he sang.

I was also very moved by the words of Steven Frei, the president of North Star, who spoke at the close of the fireside. One part of his remarks really struck me: “Two thousand years ago, Mary and Joseph knocked. Now, Christ knocks at our door. He is our true Voice of hope.” Of course, with the North Star community, the phrase “voice of hope” has a lot of meaning to us. However, Ty Mansfield also mentioned in his book (and on the introduction video to the upcoming website) that the greatest Voice of hope (and the one that all of our testimonies, as part of the Voices of Hope project, point to) is Jesus Christ. He was born so that He could fulfill His mission as the Savior of the world. He came to give us all hope. He came to be the purest Voice of hope that any of us (no matter what we experience in our lives) can look to.

I bear testimony of the Lord Jesus Christ. He is the one we worship and reverence in this Christmas season. It is because of His birth and death that we are able to find peace and meaning in this life. And, as always, it is through that infinite Atonement that it gets better.

My Paradigm Shift

My post today was going to be something humorous to kinda contrast how serious I’ve been lately, but right now I just don’t feel humorous. No, I’m not feeling down. I’m actually feeling really good. Very peaceful. I was just privileged to listen to a beautiful draft of the North Star Voices podcast about the Voices of Hope Project, which I contributed to. As such, I don’t feel that a humorous post would be appropriate with how I feel right now. (As a side-note, I’ve heard that the Voices of Hope website will be launch around Christmas day with the first ten videos, which were filmed back in August; I’ll do a post about that when it goes up).

Maybe just a bit of reflection then. Like I said, I listened to the podcast today and, in addition to that, a few days ago I dug back into my mission email and found the email I’d sent to my parents on August 23, 2010, telling them for the first time about my same-sex attraction. I’d like to share an excerpt from that email:

“Friday night, I was talking to Elder Call and the Spirit was guiding our conversation and it came out that I was gay. To my surprise, Elder Call told me that he already knew. He said he'd known for a while, because of promptings of the Spirit and small things I'd done/said. He'd been struggling for a while trying to figure out how to talk to me about it. We were up until 3 AM talking, but we established that I am going to overcome this and Elder Call is more than willing to help me overcome it in any way that he can.”

Back then, “overcoming” my same-sex attraction to me meant having the feelings go away completely and to never be attracted to another man again. These perfectionistic feelings were a driving force in the anxiety that ended up having me put on medical leave from my mission three weeks later. Just after I got home from Toronto, someone I knew with SSA who I wasn’t close with (let’s call him Thomas) was talking to me about his struggles and as I talked about wanting to “overcome” my SSA, he refuted the idea, saying that he didn’t want it gone. It was part of what made him the compassionate, loving person that he was proud to be. I didn’t understand how he could want to deal with same-sex attraction. Wouldn’t ANYONE want it gone so that their lives would be easier?

Over the past couple months, however, I’ve felt a paradigm shift. As I mentioned in my last post (“Grateful to be ‘Gay’”), I’m grateful to be attracted to men! Two years ago, when I had that conversation with Thomas, I would have NEVER thought that was possible. EVER! Now, I would consider myself to be a lot closer to where Thomas was two years ago. I can see what he meant and if I could decide right now to never be attracted to men again… I don’t know if I’d take it. Honestly, I don’t mind being attracted to men. Sometimes it’s kind of fun (but we’ll discuss that when I do my humorous blog post). Would it be nice to have the temptations gone? HECK YES! But that’s mortality! We all get tempted! Even the Savior was tempted! Even if I was no longer attracted to men, a different temptation would inevitably take its place!

In fact, I’m grateful to have SSA because it’s repaired my relationship with Thomas. I’ve known Thomas my whole life, but we were NEVER close. But in my journey to learn about my SSA and learn to deal with it in a healthy manner, my conversations with him have brought a brotherly love into our friendship that I will forever cherish.

To finish off, I want to share another part of the email I sent to my parents in August 2010. This part, I can tell you, hasn’t changed. I still very much believe this:

“Having ‘come out of the closet’, I feel so much strength now. I'm not alone at this anymore. I have Elder Call and President Brower to help me. I have your prayers to help me. Most importantly, I have the Savior to help me do what I can't do on my own.”

The past two years have been the biggest learning curve of my life, as I’ve learned about my SSA and found healthy ways to deal with it. It’s been hard (and I have the emotional scars to prove it) but I have come closer to the Savior because of what I’ve gone through and because of what I’ve learned. As always, as I close, I want you to remember one thing: Through the Atonement, it gets better.

(me and Elder Call, about a month after "coming out" to him)

Voice(s) of Hope

As part of being an SSA Missionary, I wanted to start putting together a list of resources about same-sex attraction, both to help those who struggle and to help those who love those who struggle. Of course it’s not good to fixate on the problem too much, but I believe that proper understanding can and will help those who struggle with same-sex attraction feel more comfortable, understood, and welcome in the church.

I figured an appropriate resource to start with would be Ty Mansfield’s book “Voices of Hope”. Over the past couple weeks, I have been reading a lot from “Voices of Hope”. The stories I read about men and women who have dealt with same-sex attraction (in addition to several parents, spouses, and priesthood leaders) were inspiring and I could feel the Spirit testify as I read of their trials, mistakes, and eventually came to understand the healing power of the Atonement, helping them recover from the pains of sin, guilt, shame, and loneliness.

The book has six chapters, each focusing on a different theme. Each chapter begins with a doctrinal essay by some noted LDS authors (including Brad Wilcox and Robert Millet). After that, each chapter has three or four stories by someone whose life has been touched by SSA (either personally or because of someone they know that struggles). Some of the ones I found especially powerful were written by Kirk Reidman, Tyler Moore, and Jeff Bennion. One of the things I loved about Kirk’s story was the intensely personal message of hope and how he found hope in this life, despite his struggles with same-sex attraction. Tyler’s story was one that I found particularly intriguing. His story is entitled “Being My True Self”. He talked about his journey, arriving at the point that he came to understand that being true to himself did not require him to live a gay lifestyle, as many believe, because the gospel was more important to him than his sexuality.

I especially wanted to write about Voices of Hope today for a specific reason. Earlier today, I drove up to Alpine, Utah to film my video for the Voices of Hope Project. As an extension of Ty Mansfield’s book, I was filmed as I told my story about my experiences with SSA. I was very excited to participate in this endeavor as I tried to pull from my heart the lessons that I learned from my experiences and trials. I’m not sure how well it went exactly, but that’s what post-production is for right?

The website isn’t fully up yet, but this video of Ty introducing the website gives a good overview of what we’re doing and why we’re doing it. I know that the gospel is the only way to find true happiness. I know that through the Atonement I can find strength and peace.

Until next time, remember that because of the Atonement, it gets better.