Becoming My Dad

Wow. I haven't written here in nearly six months. That's probably due to writing for Mormon Geeks and finishing school and working full time (being an adult is busy, guys!). But anyways, no complaining about being an adult today (I actually kinda like it).

As today is Father's Day, I feel like it's the obligatory thing to say something about my dad today. So why not?

This is my dad, Rob Ficiur. He's a dork and we (his kids) like to make fun of him. He wears a fanny pack, he tells long stories that I don't always see the point of, and he has this bad habit of collecting audiobooks on CD and cassette tape (much to my mom's annoyance). As a result, I cringe a little when I look to buy audiobooks, realizing that I'm acting like my dad. In fact, when I was visiting my family last month, I mentioned to my sister-in-law that as I drove late at night, I put on an audiobook to help me stay alert, just like my dad. If I remember correctly, she told me that I'm becoming my dad. Part of me wants to cringe. At the same time, is that such a bad thing?

One of the blessings of having studied families in my undergrad is that I learned a lot about my parents. My parents are amazing. Most people know my mom is a convert to the church, but less people know that my dad is a convert. When my grandparents got married, my grandma was less active, so for the first decade of his life, my dad didn't go to church. If I'm remembering details correctly, it was when he was 12 his aunt started taking him to primary (which wasn't as bad as pre-teen Rob thought it would be). Fast forwarding, he started going to church, but his dad didn't let him get baptized until he was 15 (that was decades before my grandpa would eventually get baptized, but that's a story for another time). I say all this to say that I've been very impressed by my dad's testimony and faith. He took himself to early morning seminary since his dad wouldn't drive him. He served as a missionary for 18 months (missions were slightly shorter at that time). He followed the prompting to pursue a marriage with my mom, who he had every reason to NOT date.

Overall, my dad is one of the most Christ-like people I know. He has patience beyond what I can fathom, as he has taught a one-room classroom for decades covering seven or eight grades at one time. He is full of love, as he serves and has served so many people. He is an amazing friend, as I recently saw him interact with such love to a good friend of his. He is an amazing dad and grandpa, showing love to his kids that I want to emulate when I'm a father.

One of my favorite memories of my dad as a kid is when he'd tuck me in at night. For whatever reason, I had a cassette tape with the Goofy Movie soundtrack and we got into this routine of singing the song between Max and Goofy near the end of the movie: "Nobody Else But You". So whenever I think of Goofy and Max, I think of my dad.

In my teenage and adult years, my dad had become one of my closest friends. I have been able to grow close to him, opening up about the things that bother me or that I'm having a hard time with. He listens to my frustrations and he helps buoy me up when I struggle.

I know several people who have problems with Heavenly Father as a result of their experience with their earthly fathers. On the flip side, I'm grateful for a father who has given me an amazing example of what a father is like, which has helped in my relationship with Heavenly Father, bringing me closer to Him. 

2015: Year in Review

Another year, another go at the family tradition. Here we go :)

Neatest Place You were in 2015

            Spain! During my study abroad we went all over Spain. My favorite places throughout the country (or at least the three I always tell people about) are Córdoba, Barcelona, and Granada. I was amazed by how much I loved the country. It was beautiful and it felt almost familiar to me. It was a wonderful opportunity to work on my Spanish (still needs work) and get cultured.

Biggest Surprise of the Year

            My biggest surprise this year was work. I quit my job at the MTC Bookstore back in April when I left for my study abroad in Spain. Partway through my study abroad, I learned that I wouldn’t be doing EFY as I’d planned (more on that later), so it became necessary that I start looking for other work. I applied at company called Chrysalis (helping clients with cognitive disabilities live as normal of a life as possible) and got an interview with them shortly after getting back from Spain. I’d originally thought I’d just work as a support staff until I graduated and then MAYBE apply for a full-time position as a house manager or something at the office. In November, the opportunity arose to apply for a manager position, so I applied, because why not? I didn’t get the position I applied for, but they offered me a different manager position at a new house they were setting up, but wouldn’t be open for a couple months. I accepted and did manager training. Then last week I got the news that the new house was taking longer to set up than they originally thought, so instead they wanted me to be manager at the house right next door to where I’ve been working. So I’m going into my last few months of school with a full-time job. I’m both excited and scared! This will be interesting!

Best Movie/TV Show You Watched

            For this one I’ll just lump all of the Marvel Cinematic Universe together. I started really getting into it this year. I saw Avengers: Age of Ultron while I was in Spain (I thought I was going to have to wait until the end of June to go see it) and then later on in the year I saw Ant-Man. Loved both of them! Also, I got into Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD show on TV. A lot of people had issues with season 1 of that show, but I honestly loved it (granted, I also binge-watched the first two seasons of the show over two grave shifts). This year I’m looking forward to Captain America: Civil War and Doctor Strange.

Saddest Day/Time in 2010

            Finding out I wouldn’t be doing EFY. Still don’t know why. Probably never will. I am just grateful to my Heavenly Father for helping me through that hard time. It still hurts at times (I remember crying uncontrollably the day I found out), but at least I’ve been able to see God’s hand through it. For example, if I’d done EFY this summer, I wouldn’t be starting as a manager at work this month, having a full-time job secured before I’m even graduated.

Happiest Day/Time in 2010

            In August, my little brother Tyler got home from his mission. That made it the perfect time for everyone to go back to Alberta for the first time since our family cruise two years ago. With everyone home, and both sets of grandparents there, we got a bunch of family pictures done and I got to spend time with all five of my nephews (as well as all of my siblings, of course). I’m grateful for my family and the temple covenants that bond us. We have our issues, like every family, but I love them.

Best Book/Magazine You’ve Read

            Oddly enough I’m going to pick a textbook. “Spiritual Exodus” was the textbook I used for my Addiction Recovery and Healing class. Great gospel perspective on addiction and finding recovery, both for the addict and for the spouse. My professor from the class (the one who wrote the book) is working on a website for it as well. So that won’t cost $40 at least.

Things you will remember from the news

            What I will remember from the media is the response to the new church policies this fall.  I’ve intentionally steered away from this subject on my blog, so I will just say this on the subject: I know that God calls prophets and apostles to lead us and to teach us His will. I do not know the meaning of all things, but I have a faith in God that includes the equal chance for all of His children to reach the Celestial Kingdom, regardless of their situations.

What would you like to do in 2016?

            Lots of things I want to do in 2016. I got accepted for the Hill Cumorah Pageant again, so (pending getting work off) I’m going there. I’d also like to graduate (planning on walking in April). I’d like to do another mud run this year, since I enjoyed the Dirty Dash. I also wouldn’t mind getting a girlfriend or at the very least going to Disneyland again. I’m mostly just looking to some more adventures and growth in the next year. 

For My Baby Brother

"We may rest assured that all things are controlled and governed by Him whose spirit children we are. He knows the end from the beginning, and he provides for each of us the testings and trials which he knows we need. President Joseph Fielding Smith once told me that we must assume that the Lord knows and arranges beforehand who shall be taken in infancy and who shall remain on earth to undergo whatever tests are needed in their cases. This accords with Joseph Smith’s statement: ‘The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth.’ (Teachings, pp. 196–97.) It is implicit in the whole scheme of things that those of us who have arrived at the years of accountability need the tests and trials to which we are subject and that our problem is to overcome the world and attain that spotless and pure state which little children already possess.” (“Salvation of Little Children,” p. 6.) (taken from the D&C Institute student manual)

Twenty-two years ago today, my family lost someone very precious. My mom gave birth to a stillborn baby boy, who they named Jay. It was a very difficult thing for my parents to face. By the time he was born, they’d known for about a month that he was dead. Even though I was only about 21-months-old at the time and don’t remember the event, I think about him from time to time. On his birthday, I try to do my best to honor and celebrate the baby brother that I never got to meet. Though we never met on this earth, at times I think the Spirit whispers to me that he is near and watching over me. At times I wonder if he is my guardian angel. I believe we were friends in the pre-mortal world and that because of that I feel this connection to him, though I’ve never even seen his face in mortality.

Mom and Dad at the DC temple again after 25 years

I am grateful for the knowledge of the plan of salvation and specifically for the knowledge of eternal families. Because my parents were sealed in the Washington DC temple on July 17, 1974, my brothers and I were all born into the covenant. Because of this, we haven’t lost Jay. He is sealed to my parents and he is sealed to us. I will see him again. I cannot wait for the day when I get to see my baby brother again.

Happy birthday, Jay. I miss you.

2013: Year in Review

Last year I did a 2012: Year in Review post, based off a New Year’s tradition that my family has done as long as I can remember. I figured I’d keep up that tradition by doing another Year in Review blog post this year. So here we go…

Neatest Place You were in 2013

Again, like last year, I feel like I haven’t gone far. Other than Alberta and Idaho Falls, I have only been outside of Utah once this year, when we went on our family cruise to the Caribbean. It was really cool to go to Mexico and finally use the Spanish I had been studying for three semesters. Belize was really relaxing, just spending the day at an ecotourism spot with my parents and my baby nephew Carson. And in Honduras I went zip-lining with my siblings and my two older nephews. I’m not sure I could pick one of those ports as my favorite, but it was all definitely adventure!

Mexico! (August 2013)

Biggest Surprise of the Year

There isn’t one “surprise of the year” for me. Looking back to where I was a year ago, there is no comparison. A year ago, I was incredibly codependent. A year ago, I did not believe I could do my classes. A year ago, I wasn’t sure I was worth loving. Now, I have hope. I am beginning to learn what it means to love myself and truly care about myself.

My Voice(s) of Hope Shoot (September 2013)

Best TV Show/Movie You Watched

Easy answer. Doctor Who. I got introduced to it by my friend Josh at the beginning of the year and Garrett and I quickly took to it. Enough that we dressed up as two of the Doctors for Halloween and the Doctor Who 50^th Anniversary Special… And I’m looking for an excuse to dress up in my Doctor costume again. It’s a science fiction show, but I’ve also had some amazing insights from watching it about depression/suicide and about agency/emotions. It continues to inspire me and continues to give me hope.

Garrett and I as the Doctors for Halloween (October 2013)

Saddest Day/Time in 2013

This is the one where I get vulnerable I suppose. The moment I was lowest emotionally this year. Back in March, I had a day where I was more depressed than I can ever remember before. So low that I felt I was unworthy of suicide. That day I was blessed to feel support from many friends and it was then that I began working hard on my self-esteem to keep that from happening again.

Jordan River temple trip (July 2013)

Happiest Day/Time in 2013

In contrast to March, the past few months have been the best part of my year. I have felt more comfortable with myself and more okay with who I am. I still have a lot to work on, but the past few months have been the healthiest for me, I think. I am aware of many of my weaknesses, but I am willing to work on it. I will continue to work on it throughout the rest of my life.

Quidditch for Garrett's birthday (September 2013)

Best Book/Magazine You’ve Read

Of all the books I’ve read in the past year, the one that I enjoyed the most and the one that has changed me the most was “The Continuous Atonement” by Brad Wilcox. I read it earlier this year and it completely changed how I see the Atonement. Put simply: Life is not about me being perfect; it’s about me never giving up and about trusting that Christ can help me become a better man.

Things You Will Remember From the News

I’ll be honest. I don’t watch or read the news much at all. The only news clip I remember watching was after the Reconciling Faith and Feelings Conference in November. ABC did a short story on it, the purpose, and the success that they had.

Reconciling Faith and Feelings website

Favorite Talk in Church/Conference

My favorite conference talk this year would probably be Elder Holland’s talk about depression and other mental disorders in October. Having felt depressed, it felt nice to have that feeling validated. Though never diagnosed with depression, I have felt depressed. I also really loved Elder Bednar’s talk from April. It helped me understand the Law of Chastity a lot better and to appreciate more the great trust and gift that the Lord has given mankind.

Jeffrey R. Holland

What Would You Like to Do In 2014?

Well, I know one thing I want to do in 2014: I want to travel out east again. I was accepted for the Hill Cumorah Pageant a couple weeks ago, so I’ll be spending July 4-20 in Palmyra. Somewhere around that (either before or after Pageant) I’m going to visit Toronto again (I am not getting that close to my mission and not visiting people that I love). Besides that, I am going to keep working on my degree, learning what I need to in order to provide for my family. I am going to keep working on myself in therapy and related groups, so that regardless of what happens (marriage, singleness, or whatever) I can be happy. I am going to continue to learn what it means to be a missionary and a disciple of Christ.

Garrett and I at the Hill Cumorah (July 2012)
I'm going back!!!!

Attack on the Family

A couple months ago, I was part of a discussion about the "attack on the family". The original post came from a judgment a friend of mine (let's call him "Kevin") had that many people in the church view the attack on the family to be the same as legalization of gay marriage. Now, I've expressed my stance on gay marriage (I stand with the church in not supporting it) but by no means would I go as far as to say that the "attack on the family" is the same as gay marriage.

I'm a family studies major and even though I'm very very early on in the program, I feel like I have learned enough to say this: The family is under attack, but gay marriage is probably the least of our worries on that front. If I was to pick anything and call it the Goliath of the battle we are fighting to save the family, I'd say it is no-fault divorces. Couples making a mockery of marriage by getting married and then a month, six months, a year, etc. down the road deciding that they "just aren't compatible". Or you’ve got the celebrity marriages that last less than a month.

I’m not saying there isn’t cause for divorce. Abuse and infidelity are valid causes for divorce. However, I’ve also known marriages where one spouse has been unfaithful and yet the marriage survived because both partners were committed to the marriage. I honestly don’t believe there is such a thing as no-fault divorce. Marriage is work and both partners need to work at the relationship. That’s why married couples have been counseled to continue to go on dates after they get married, even when children come into the mix. However, if one spouse gives up on the marriage… does it really matter how much effort one spouse puts in if the other spouse is apathetic? I mean, it’s admirable… but if the effort is not reciprocated, the marriage isn’t going to be as strong as it needs to be.

That being said, I’d like to back up to infidelity and abuse. If abuse exists in a home (a husband abusing his wife OR a wife abusing her husband, because both scenarios exist) the highest priority in my opinion is to get the abused spouse to safety. As important as the sanctity of marriage is, the safety of an individual is more important. Staying in an abusive relationship because a husband/wife loves his/her spouse and believes they can change sounds to me like codependency (if you don’t know what that means, here’s the Wikipedia page). The same thing would be true of infidelity, if a husband/wife stays with his/her spouse even when infidelity is known to be happening, because he/she thinks they can fix the situation… again, it sounds like codependency to me.

Another thing I want to bring up is the innocent victims of divorce, whether it be no-fault divorce or divorce at the hands of abuse and/or infidelity: children. Richard Cohen, the author of “Coming Out Straight”, said that children have a God-like view of their parents. Their parents are the example they look to in everything. Especially as little kids, they don’t see that their parents can do anything wrong. As a result, when divorce happens, there are children who believe (and are wounded by the belief) that their parents separating must be their fault.

Granted, all of this comes from a single, BYU family studies major, who is only starting his second semester in the program this fall, but I just wanted to put my thoughts out there and challenge the idea that I think exists in the church that gay marriage is the same as the attack on the family. What are your thoughts on the “attack on the family”? Let me know in the comments. Just remember to be respectful and nice.

Supermom

So with Mother’s Day having happened this Sunday, I want to shamelessly do a post about how amazing my mother is. She is amazing to me because of all the things she’s done for me and all the things that she has taught me both directly and through her example.

Let’s start off with her ability to love and sacrifice for others. I remember countless times that she would go out of her way to serve others. I remember that when I was a junior in high school she had a brother in the ward over for dinner each night while his wife was in the hospital after breaking her leg. She knew he was going through a hard enough time that he didn’t need to worry about making dinner for himself each night as well.

She is a champion at putting others first! Before she married my dad, she worked as a single mom to provide for herself and for my sister. I’m sure there were many others things she would have rather done than to be a bartender (though she quit that job shortly after joining the church). As long as I was at home, she was always there. It means a lot to me that she was there when I got home from school. She was there on the days when I came home crying because I was bullied. When I had had enough of it at school, she was there to come pick me up and bring me home, somewhere I could feel safe. Until my little brother (Tyler) was in school, she never worked outside the home. We were her top priority. And it wasn’t until Tyler was only a few years from graduating high school that she went back to college when she was fifty to earn her nursing degree. And I would say the only reason she even works outside the home is so that she can pay for trips for our family to get together, since we’re spread out (my sister lives in Colorado, my brother lives in Idaho, I’m in Utah, and the other three kids are in Alberta still), because her family is what has always mattered to her.

She is an example of AMAZING faith. I love the story of the Stripling Warriors for many reasons, but I love it because like them, I learned to have faith from my mother. She has gone through so much in her life. She went through a divorce, worked as a single mom, joined the church, moved from New York to Alberta to marry my dad, endured five C-sections to bring my brothers and I into this world, and she lived on with great faith when she lost one of her children, my baby brother Jay. I was only about 20-months-old when Jay was born/died, but I know how hard it was on my mom. It still affects her. But she lives on because she has faith that because she was married to my dad in the Washington DC Temple on July 17, 1984 that she still has Jay and the rest of us, no matter what happens. She parented me, my brothers, and my sister. She has learned with us as she has taught us. She has learned to followed the Spirit and be an instrument in the hands of the Lord.

I have seen her cry. I have seen her heart break when her children who live far away (me, my brother, and my sister) leave after a vacation or a visit. I have seen her sob when saying goodbye to me as I entered the MTC. She is full of love. She is my angel. She is my hero. I love my mom and I want to be as faithful as she is. She knows what it means to be a disciple of Jesus Christ and that’s how she lives. There is no one that she doesn’t love, because that’s just who she is.

Conference April 2013

Just a summary of things I learned or felt during General Conference April 2013 (NOTE: I may not include much or anything from some of the Seventies’ talks). My favorite talks have two asterisks (**) before the speaker's name and the link is provided to the talk.

Saturday Morning:

Boyd K. Packer – Do what you can to keep your home safe from the adversary. Learn about the Gift of the Holy Ghost and the Atonement. Do not hate the sinner. You cannot choose the consequences to your choices. The world cannot change the laws of God.

Dean M. Davies – Helaman 5:12. Prepare for the “natural disasters” of life. You wouldn’t knowingly build your house on a false foundation.

Elaine S. Dalton – In a demoralizing world, we need people who will stand as witnesses of God at all times.

**Craig A. Cardon – He WANTS to forgive you. You don’t need to be perfect all at once. Be willing to forgive yourself. He understands that you have weaknesses.

M. Russell Ballard – A family needs a husband AND a wife. Don’t forget to do the things that keep a testimony going. If you feel your testimony is less than it should be, then turn to the Savior and look for His living water.

Henry B. Eyring – The Savior wants to be your Friend. Remember and hang onto the times you’ve felt close to the Savior. Pray for those who are astray.

Saturday Afternoon:

**Richard G. Scott – Each of us need a place of refuge. Christ is the source of peace. Good habits lead to good circumstances. What if you referred to the scriptures as often as you sent a text? Love the good attributes of those who are astray. We become like Him one step at a time.

Quentin L. Cook – You can find peace in the storm. D&C 121:7-8. To believe in God is to believe that all the rules are fair. True peace ONLY comes from the Savior.

Stanley G. Ellis – God has shown us how to live. There is an authorized WAY and TIME to express love. Ask where the Lord needs you, not what you need.

David A. Bednar – The Law of Chastity can only be understood in terms of the Plan of Salvation. Both men and women are needed for the Plan of Salvation.

Russell M. Nelson – Our living God is a loving God. You have a purpose here on the Earth. You have the tools to accomplish that mission.

Priesthood Session:

Robert D. Hales – The church will remain constant, no matter where the world moves. We are not authorized to negotiate the Plan of Salvation. Sometimes we must take the heat for the truth. Nehemiah 6:3. You can withstand persecution by standing with Christ.

Tad R. Callister – Increased vision leads to increased motivation. If you want revelation, do your homework. What can you do to prepare your sons to be missionaries?

David L. Beck – Help those around you feel loved. Mocking and teasing have NO place among the saints.

**Dieter F. Uchtdorf – Satan would like to define you by your sins and your weaknesses. We are faltering toddlers, but He loves us anyways. He is not seeking to punish us. Imperfection is not an excuse not to grow. The church was not made for perfect people. The Atonement is not meant to make us the same. We are to be united in our testimonies, but we are all different. You are not overlooked or unwanted by your Father. You are needed in the church. “You are important. You are loved. You are needed.”

Henry B. Eyring – You can expect the Lord to provide a path for you. Your priesthood duties are there to sanctify you.

Thomas S. Monson – Study the scriptures with diligence! Plan your life with purpose! Teach the truth with testimony! Serve the Lord with love! Have you increased in Christ-like attributes today?

Sunday Morning:

**Dieter F. Uchtdorf – Darkness exists, but you don’t have to dwell there. Healing comes when we move away from the darkness and move toward the light. The perfect place to start is where you are RIGHT NOW. The darkness will fade because it cannot exist in the presence of light.

Neil L. Anderson – No force in the world can stop the work of God.

L. Whitney Clayson – The commandments are not a buffet. Do all you can to prepare for marriage!

L. Tom Perry – Agency is the greatest gift we have from God. The commandments are being disregarded by the world. The family is deteriorating. As we give up fidelity in marriage, we destroy society. Sin will ALWAYS be sin.

Thomas S. Monson – You can play with fire, but you can’t control where it spreads or how fast it burns. The great test of this life is obedience.

Sunday Afternoon:

**Jeffrey R. Holland – Mark 9:24. When facing the challenge of faith, the father asserts his strength first. REMEMBER YOUR STRENGTH before looking at your weakness. When problems come and questions arise, do not start your quest for faith by acknowledging what you lack faith in. Ask questions if you need to. Questions are NOT a sin. Be kind regarding human frailty, your own frailty and those around you. God has ALWAYS dealt with imperfect people. You need never apology for “only believing”. Mark 5:36.

Dallin H. Oaks – John 15:19. You are to follow the Savior at ALL TIMES. Pray for guidance. Love your enemies. Forgive those who hurt you.

Enrique Falabella – Anything less than a temple marriage has an expiration date. Show love and affection for those that you love!

D. Todd Christofferson – The Atonement pays the debt that justice owes to us.

A Child's Prayer

A few weeks ago, my good friend (Eric) and his wife (Emalee) had their first child, Rachel. About a month or so before Rachel was born, I asked Eric, “Can I be Uncle Spencer?” His response, of course, was yes and every time I get to hold Rachel I’m glad that I get to be her uncle (even if it’s not by blood). When I was over at their home last week, Eric's dad said to me, "So you're the proud uncle?" and I had a definite "Yes" to that question.

Shortly after getting back from my vacation to Michigan and Toronto, I got to go see Rachel in the hospital and hold her for the first time. As I got to hold her for a time, while her parents were in a parent-prep class that the hospital was doing, I couldn’t help but think about where Rachel had been only days before, with our Heavenly Father.

I got wondering about that. How much did she still remember? If she could speak, what could she tell me about our Heavenly Home? The past week or so has been stressful for me in a way, but getting to hold that precious child has brought me some peace.

So clean and pure. So untainted by the world. Maybe that’s what Christ meant when He said to become as a child: “And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 18:3) Being so fresh from the other side of the veil, Rachel seemed to me to be the most pure thing I have ever held. I am hopeful for her. I know her parents will teach her well and hopefully her uncle (me) will be able to teach her a little as well.

All I Want For Christmas

It’s been a whirlwind of a year, I’d say. For those of you who haven’t heard (which I guess would be anyone who chanced upon my blog and doesn’t know me personally), I’m home again as of the beginning of November. I’ve been meaning to write a post about my feelings on coming home, but I’ll save that for another day. Today, being Christmas, I wanted to share some thoughts I’ve had today.

Today, I didn’t get to be with family. I didn’t get to go home and the majority of my day has been spent sitting in my apartment by myself. But you know what? That’s okay. Earlier today, I had the chance to work a lunch shift. Now, working at the MTC cafeteria has been a challenge for me in the past. Last summer, I was so jealous of the missionaries there that I almost wanted to quit. Even since being back in Provo, I’ve wondered how smart it was for me to start working at the MTC again. Today, none of that mattered though. I got to spend Christmas Day serving Christmas dinner to ordained servants of God. I’m so grateful for the missionaries today (and there was many of them) that thanked me and my coworkers for working Christmas Day (and even more so since it was Sunday too) so that they could have a Christmas dinner. Many times throughout the shift, I thought to myself “How lucky am I to get to spend Christmas serving God’s army?” Every “Thank you” and “Merry Christmas” that those Elders and Sisters said made my day.

It’s been an interesting change being back from my mission again. A year ago, I remember thinking (and probably telling a couple people, like my parents) that all I wanted for Christmas was to go back on my mission. Today, I’m just grateful to be in Provo with a job and to be in my old ward (despite how much turnover the ward had since I left). I honestly don’t know what I’d ask for a Christmas present. Maybe it’s the fact that my parents gave me my one Christmas surprise the night I came home (I get to spend this coming week in California with my entire family… it’ll be the first time in over seven years that all of us will be together) and I knew that that was my Christmas present. I guess if I had to choose one thing that I want for Christmas it would be just friends… to be able to spend time with the people I care about, to be able to make new friends in an essentially new ward, and to find a group of friends to have more good times with. This part, I guess, just comes back to trusting that my Heavenly Father will put people in my path to become friends with… that’s what happened with Garrett… that’s what happened with Eric… that’s what happened with Justin… it’s happened every time since I’ve come to BYU.

I know that He loves me. I know that He watches out for me. I know that He gives me the people I need to become who I need to be. I’m grateful for this time of year that the entire world is turned toward the birth of the Savior. Yesterday, I posted a scripture on Facebook in honor of Christmas Eve with a little note. I want to share that scripture and that note here too:

"Lift up your head and be of good cheer; for behold, the time is at hand, and on this night shall the sign be given, and on the morrow come I into the world, to show unto the world that I will fulfil all that which I have caused to be spoken by the mouth of my holy prophets." (3 Nephi 1:13)

The sign of the Savior’s birth saved the Nephites from physical death. His death and Atonement saves each of us from spiritual death if we will come unto Him.

Merry Christmas!

My Heavenly Father Loves Me

A week or so ago, I called Juliana to talk to her. If I remember correctly, her brother picked up the phone. I asked to speak to her, but she was busy playing the piano, so he left the phone near the piano for her to pick up after she was done. The song she was playing was “My Heavenly Father Loves Me” (page 228-229 in the Children’s Songbook). I’d forgotten how beautiful this song was and how much I’d loved it. To me, it proves that Heavenly Father does love us, because of all the things He’s given us. I’d like to show you (with the lyrics, some pictures, and some commentary) what some of those things are.

“Whenever I hear the song of a bird…”

This picture was taken by Garrett on the BYU campus. He’d heard a bird chirping and finally found the little bird at the top of a big tree. To me, the chirping of a bird (especially in early spring) says something special to me. During winter, the birds are all gone, so as the birds return, they start chirping throughout the day and the beautiful noise they make is kind of a sign from Heavenly Father to me that winter is ending and that the happy warmth of the spring sun is almost back.

“…Or look at the blue, blue sky…”

This picture was taken in front of the Idaho Falls temple, two days after I got endowed. It was also Easter Sunday. My family was getting together for Easter in Idaho Falls and my parents invited Garrett to come with me. The blue sky in this picture is just so beautiful to me. It makes me think of how pure I felt… there was something about me getting endowed that my friends even noticed. Garrett noticed it after I came out of the temple that Friday (which happened to be Good Friday), but he didn’t mention it to me until Monday as we were getting ready for school. He told me that after I came out of the temple, I looked “changed”. Later that day, on our way to a class, Juliana mentioned to me that I looked “older”. This is a testimony to me of the power of God and the holiness of his temples. It wasn’t just a ritual that I went through, when I got my endowment. There was a change in me. Now, I feel more pure, just like that blue, blue sky.

“…Whenever I feel the rain on my face…”

This picture was taken the Sunday of conference back in October. Courtesy of Becca and her parents (she wasn't going to BYU at the time), we got to go to Sunday afternoon session of conference. It was a rainy day, but we wanted to take pictures around Temple Square regardless (after conference). The thought of rain, in relation to this picture and this song, make me think of the primary song “When I Am Baptized”. The first verse of that song talks about how the Earth is washed clean after it rains. Personally, I love the smell of the air after it rains. It smells so fresh and clean.

“…Or the wind as it rushes by…”

This picture was taken back in September (wow that seems so long ago…) during the first trip I took to the temple with Garrett and Juliana (though I think they might have been too full that day, so maybe it wasn’t our first real temple trip). I remember that I had Garrett take a picture of me by the temple, because I wanted a new picture for my Facebook profile and I wanted the picture to be by the temple. As we were taking the picture, the wind kept blowing my tie all around (as you can see in the picture). I love the wind though. On hot summer days, the cool breeze feels amazing. To me, this is like a gift from Heavenly Father, a cool breeze to keep us cool when it gets too hot.

“…Whenever I touch a velvet rose, or walk by a lilac tree…”

This picture was taken just yesterday, outside the Cardston Temple. I went there with my little brother and three of my friends to do baptisms (actually, I did the baptizing). I know this isn’t a rose or a lilac, like the song says, but I had some thoughts on these two flowers. They were planted in a patch of dirt that was along the pathway to the baptistry at the temple. They were the only flowers along that path. Whether other flowers merely hadn’t grown yet, or if they hadn’t been planted, I don’t know, but I found it odd that only two flowers were there in a patch of dirt about two or three square feet in size. These two flowers had to be beautiful on their own, just like we have to be beautiful (or righteous) relatively on our own in a world that is ugly and wicked.

“…I’m glad that I live in this beautiful world Heavenly Father created for me.”

This picture was taken on the very last day that I got to spend with my friends in Utah. We had to be out of our apartments by ten o’clock that morning. So afterwards, we went to Garrett’s grandparents’ house in Orem, where we hung out for a few hours, since my dad was at a conference in Provo and Becca and Juliana could spare the extra time. Before Becca and Juliana left, we took pictures together in pairs and in a group. This was one of our group pictures. The majority of the pictures we took that day, we took by a bench that was by a flower garden that Garrett’s grandparents had. Their house (both inside and outside) was so peaceful. Thinking back to that day, the flowers in the garden, which are in a lot of our group pictures, relate quite well to this song. They are one of the beautiful creations that Heavenly Father made just for us.

“He gave me my eyes that I might see the color of butterfly wings…”

I took this picture back in 2007 when I went to New York with my mom and with my brother Brian. We were visiting one of her uncles and happened to go for a walk through the forest that was (partly) on his property. Though I didn’t do a lot of photography of nature back then, I saw this butterfly on this flower and thought it would be cool picture to take. Though this butterfly isn’t very colorful, it is beautiful. I love seeing the colors on the wings of butterflies. The designs and colors on the wings of butterflies are so beautiful. It reminds me so much about how great an artist Heavenly Father is to design each butterfly, each snowflake, and each of us to make us unique and beautiful.

“He gave me my ears that I might hear the magical sound of things…”

This is a picture that Becca took early in Winter Semester of Garrett playing his clarinet (sorry, Garrett. I didn’t have another picture of you actually playing your clarinet and I have no pictures of anyone else playing an instrument). Throughout Winter Semester, I got to listen to Garrett play his clarinet nearly every day, until his band class and his clarinet class finished. I don’t know if I loved it at first, but I definitely grew to love it more and more throughout the semester. Though I’m not musical, I really love music. All of my best friends (it seems) are musical. Sometimes I wish I was more musical so that I would understand better what they’re talking about, but usually I just feel really grateful for their musical talents that they are able to share with me to enrich my life. Music really is one of those things that, though you don’t need it to live, makes life worth living. Truly, music is a tender mercy from our Heavenly Father that He has given us to make us happy.

“He gave me my life, my mind, my heart. I thank Him reverently for all his creations of which I’m a part.”

These pictures match the three things that that line of the song mentions. The first picture is my mom holding me on the day I was born. Heavenly Father gave me my life that day. He allowed me to come into this mortal world to be tested. He sent me out, having faith that I would prove faithful, thus returning home to Him someday. Each day since, He has blessed me with continued life. Each day, through his mercy, He grants me life by providing food to eat, water to drink, and air to breathe. The second picture is a picture of me at my high school graduation. Heavenly Father gave me my mind, my ability to learn. I truly believe that it was with His help that I was able to get through high school, with all the challenges I had. It was with His help that I was able to complete a year of university already and with grades that my dad says he didn’t get all throughout university (or at least his freshman year). The third picture is of me with my best friends: Garrett, Juliana, Becca, and Braden. This was two days before we left Provo. The fourth picture is of my family, this past Easter in Idaho. These two pictures, I feel, represent my heart. My heart is filled with love for my friends and my family. I wish I could have put more pictures here to show all of my best friends, but I don’t have room for each of my best friends to be on here. Heavenly Father gave me my heart. To me, this means He gave me the people that I love: my friends and my family. I thank my Heavenly Father every day for the many blessings He has given me. He truly has blessed me beyond what I can say.

“Yes, I know Heavenly Father loves me.”

This picture is from when I opened my mission call. The cell phones have my family (and Braden) on speaker phone, listening. On the left, Cami is holding Garrett’s phone, which had Jared on the line. Next to her, Melissa is holding her phone, which, I think, has my parents, Tyler, and Brett on the line. Next to her, Juliana is holding two phones. In her left hand, she’s holding Becca’s phone, which has Jen on the line (who I believe was at my nephew’s soccer game when I called). In Juliana’s right hand is her phone, which has Braden on the line. This was a very special day for me. After all the delays and waiting, I finally got my mission call. During the wait, I longed for the chance to serve a mission. I wanted them to just stop the analyzing and give me my call. Finally, after a month and a half of wait, it came! The day I opened my call, I had seven of my friends in my apartment. Becca, Garrett, and Juliana were there, but I knew they would be. I also had three friends from my Fall Semester chemistry class there too: Kaycy, Melissa, and Cami. Finally, there was Kaitlyn, a friend of mine from Pageant who was staying with a sibling during Winter Semester, before going back to BYU-I. That night, I could tell so strongly that my Heavenly Father loves me. First of all, He granted my request, letting me serve a mission. Second, He gave me my a wonderful immediate family (nearly all of whom were on the phone) in addition to a great extended family. Thirdly, He gave me great friends who wanted nothing more than to share that night with me as I opened my mission call.

I know that Heavenly Father loves each of us. His love for each of us, individually, is perfect and He wants to do all He can to help us come safely home to Him. I remember once hearing someone say something to the effect of “We don’t want to go home nearly as much as Heavenly Father wants us to come home.” I know this is true. I know that He has blessed me beyond my understanding and far beyond what I deserve.

I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.