Letters from the Hill, Part 3

"And now I bid unto all, farewell. I soon go to rest in the paradise of God, until my spirit and body shall again reunite, and I am brought forth triumphant through the air, to meet you before the pleasing bar of the great Jehovah, the Eternal Judge of both quick and dead. Amen." (Moroni 10:34)

It's hard to believe that my time at the Hill Cumorah has come to a close. Last night was our last performance and today my parents are picking me up from the Hill. It has been such a blessing to be here and to be where prophets have been. I am grateful that repeatedly the Lord witnessed to me that this is where I've needed to be. By no means has it been easy. In fact, it's one of the most draining, exhausting experiences I've had. However, it's also been an amazing, spiritual learning experience. Every performance I could name something different that I learned. I've met amazing people. I've grown and I've had the experience that I needed to have.

It was such a blessing each night to be able to see a man in white descend onto the stage portraying the Savior. Though I know in my mind that he was just a man on  a stage, his face showed the light of the Savior. It was such a blessing to see that portrayal each night and ponder on how the Savior would interact with me if he was here. Surely he'd treat me better than I've treated myself. Just as I saw that man on stage portraying the Savior hug the little primary boy each night, I know the Savior would embrace me in His arms. I have felt those healing arms around me on some of my hardest days and I know that He loves me. I know He sacrificed Himself and suffered to redeem me and to change me into a better man. Because of Him, I feel hope. Because of Him, I know there is always hope. Because of Him, I know I can be happy every day of my life, even in turmoil and disappointment. Because of Him, there is always something to be grateful for. 

Now like Moroni (sort of) I bid you farewell, Cumorah, until the Lord brings me back here again.  

I Choose Hope

I've been thinking a bit about the power of agency and to what extent we choose happiness. Of course there are things like clinical depression and other mental conditions that affect a person in ways that no amount of positive thinking can fix. However that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about negative thinking. That can be fixed with positive thinking and choosing happiness and hope.

***SPOILER ALERT FOR ONCE UPON A TIME FANS***

In the mid-season finale of Once Upon a Time, which I referenced in a recent post, I mentioned the flashbacks featuring the theme of happy endings. In Snow White and Prince Charming's flashback the Blue Fairy talks to them about their daughter Emma's destiny to save them all from the impending curse. At first Snow is worried about the uncertainty, that they don't know if the future will hold anything good for them. Charming responds that the future isn't what they planned, but that doesn't make it bad. In the end, Snow says, "I choose hope."

In another episode (chronologically after the flashback I just mentioned), Snow White/Mary Margaret is talking to her grown daughter Emma who is frustrated by her parents' insufferable optimism. How could they always be so optimistic when their lives have sucked so much? A line from Snow White/Mary Margaret right then hit me: "The minute I let go of the idea that things will get better is the minute I know they won't."

My life hasn't exactly been ideal lately. I've been stressed by school and preoccupied with making sure that my relationships with others are healthy. Many times I've wanted to just break down in tears feeling hopeless. Other times I have felt hopeless. As hard as it is, and it is incredibly hard, I am holding onto the hope of a "happy ending" (or at least reminding myself that the semester has an ending). It's really easy to be bitter toward God or others for what's going on in my life. However, instead of being bitter I choose hope. Hope that I will get acceptable grades in my classes. Hope that I will be able to maintain healthy relationships. And hope that no matter how many tears I shed, the Savior will be there to wipe those tears away (Revelation 21:4) and comfort me. I need Him. I cannot go through this journey alone.

Your Happy Ending

Sometimes I look back at the past few years (pretty much all the way back to when I came home from Toronto, I suppose) and just marvel at all of what has happened. All of the good. All of the bad. A lot of it has been messy, but a lot of it has been miraculous as well. When I graduated from high school, I would have never guessed that I would have told ANYONE about my SSA (never mind putting it on Facebook). I would have never guessed I would go through the trials I’ve gone through.

**SPOILER ALERT FOR ONCE UPON A TIME FANS**

"Your happy ending may not be what you expect..."

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a fan of ABC’s show “Once Upon a Time.” Their mid-season finale “Going Home” was great, in my opinion (you can argue that if you want, but I’m not up for arguing opinion). For those who are unfamiliar with the show, each episode is split into two storylines: present-day action and flashbacks. Usually the flashbacks tell one story from start to finish. The mid-season finale was different; each flashback was completely separate from the others. However, they had a common theme: finding a “happy ending.”

Each character had something different for their flashback. Snow White and Prince Charming’s flashback talks about finding the hope of a happy ending, even if it wasn’t the one that they expected. Captain Hook’s flashback has to do with his alternative to a happy ending: revenge. In Rumpelstiltskin’s flashback he says that his ending will not be a happy one. All of these have their own point to make, but I want to focus on the last flashback: Henry’s. In Henry’s flashback he is given his storybook by his teacher, Miss Blanchard/Snow White. Henry is becoming aware of the oddities in their town and is becoming depressed. Miss Blanchard gives him the storybook to give him hope of a happy ending. One quote of hers in particular I want to mention: “Your happy ending may not be what you expect, but that is what will make it so special.”

This quote rings true with me. I am far from my happy ending, but what I had once thought would be my “happy ending” (serving a two-year mission, getting  married, and becoming a dad) is not what I got or what I may get. I didn’t get to serve for two years. I’m not married (I’ve only ever briefly had one girlfriend) and I don’t know when that will happen (I do believe it will happen… but maybe not as quick as I want). My happy ending is a perfect family life, but that’s not going to happen. It’s part of mortality to struggle, to whatever extent, throughout life. I believe that it’s through struggle that we grow and become more like Christ.

My happy ending has not been what I expected, but the “happy ending” I’ve had so far has been special… Had I not come home from Toronto, I wouldn’t have met Eric, Justin, or many others. My experiences have helped me grow, bond with others, and become a strong man with a stronger faith. If it was not for my loneliness growing up, I would not appreciate my friends that I have now that have become my brothers and sisters.

3 years after I went into the MTC my little brother went in

I am grateful for my “happy ending.” However, I’m not done yet. I still have many great things to come. I still have a true love to find and a family to have. I have an undergraduate degree to finish. I have weaknesses and insecurities to work on. My happy ending isn’t here yet, but that’s the fun part. I still have great and hard things to do. And I can do hard things.

Like a Litter of Puppies

Taking a short break from my homework to reflect on my Voices of Hope shoot this past weekend.

So a little more about why they decided to re-do my shoot. From the word of the producer himself (Kerry Harding) apparently I looked depressed in my original shoot, like my “dog had just died”. Talking about hope and the Atonement, but looking depressed, they decided to have me re-do the video.

Fair enough, I figured. Actually, I was pretty excited. When Ty first mentioned to me that they wanted me to re-shoot my video, I was relieved. I did my original shoot in November and it was fine. I felt like I was in a good place and I think I was, after I’d come out and had such good responses to it. However, in the months that followed I felt like I fell apart emotionally in many ways. After all the work it took to get myself back together (including going to my Journey Into Manhood weekend), I had actually been thinking that I wished I could re-do my video, having learned so much in the months following my shoot.

I got my wish! And this past Sunday was GREAT! I got to the house where we were filming and I was nervous! I don’t really get nervous. Well, that’s a lie. I get nervous, but it never hits until a few hours before. At the earliest, I get nervous earlier the day of a big event. I was too busy being excited to be nervous about my shoot. It wasn’t until I was about an hour and a half away from the shoot that the anxiety hit and I was looking through my notes, sure that I would forget to say something that I wanted to. I felt like I was cramming for a test, even though the “test” was on my life. What did I need to study for?

Shortly before the shoot, I got a blessing from Garrett, who came to support me. As the shoot before mine ended, we hung out with some of the people who had been in the room for that shoot (including Kerry, Ty, and some of the crew). Finally the camera was ready for my shoot. They got me wired up with a microphone and into the chair. As I got going, telling my story to Ty (he was my point-man, the person I talked to, in order to give me somewhere to look), it just came. Things that I had intended to say came easily, things that I had hadn’t planned to say came up, and other things I had planned to say felt unimportant.

I got to testify of the Atonement, the love of God, and the purpose of the trials in my life. At one point I think I started crying. I felt the Spirit testify of what I was doing. A lot of my story had to do more with my mission than with my SSA, but it was all told anyway. Afterwards, Kerry Harding, in contrast to what he’d said about my last shoot, said that this one seemed more like my dog “had had a litter of puppies” (for the record, I don’t have a dog, but I decided not to tell Kerry that).

I’m very excited for it to be released, but as it was just recorded, it’ll be a while. I don’t know how long, but in the meantime there are plenty of other videos already released for me to watch, re-watch, and draw strength from. As such, my next post will probably be another Voices of Hope post (since I haven’t done one in a while). Until then, whoever you are, reader, I want you to know that you are infinitely loved of God and no matter what you do that will never change.

CTM Reunion Fears

The day before conference I had the amazing opportunity to go up to Bountiful for my second annual mission reunion. I’m always excited to see companions (all two of them), missionaries I served around, my mission president, and his wife. However, both years I’ve also had fear. Not fear of how I’d be seen, since hardly anyone there knew me. In fact… that’s the fear I had, not being known. Being lonely. A fear that carries over into other parts of my life as well.

Fortunately, that fear was not realized at the reunion.

First, before I tell you about that fear, let me tell you about our celebrity guest: Elder M. Russell Ballard. Yup. We had an apostle at our reunion. Why? Well one reason is that he loves Toronto missionaries. And the other reason is that his daughter was our mission mom (mission president’s wife). Just a few of my notes from what Elder Ballard said to us, which would apply to any of us, no matter where or if you served: (1) We have to stand up for what’s right, even if it’s not culturally acceptable. (2) Who are you? And do you really know that? (3) John 15:13… He has called you His friend—D&C 93:45. (4) The Lord has chosen you and who are YOU to doubt Him? (5) If He were here tonight, He would call you His friend. (6) The apostles pray for you each week. (7) Nothing is as important as your testimony of the Savior.

Now for some notes from what my mission mom said… I don’t remember if she actually said this or if I just had this impression, but this is what I wrote down: “Your work was not wasted. You were not a waste in the Toronto Mission.” She was speaking of when she’d been able to speak to a group of Toronto missionaries at her father’s mission reunion and was able to tell them of how the church as grown since they were there, decades ago. However, I was also reminded of the few lives that I was able to touch while I was there.

Now words from my hero… President Brower: Continue to study Preach My Gospel. Be a Latter-day Saint; don’t just do Latter-day Saint things. Continually repent; so what if you slip up? Get up, remember where you’re going, and move on. EVERY righteous thing you do is an opportunity to be sanctified. Stay converted and PROVE it!

Instead of feeling fear and loneliness, I was fed spiritually by a member of the Quorum of the Twelve and my mission president and his wife. Besides, that it was just amazing to be there with a house full of missionaries that love Ontario just like I do. I was able to see Elder Call, my beloved trainer and the first person I could confide ANYTHING in—and he was my brother. And that was only the beginning. I was able to see so many signs of my Father’s love, just like my stars, giving me hope and peace.

A tender moment came to me when I was able to talk to Elder Olmstead, the missionary who took my place after I left Heart Lake, about the investigators that I had left with him. It was the first time I’d spoken to Elder Olmstead, other than a brief phone call just before I got to the airport on September 15, 2010. I thanked him for getting Tek and Fuman ready for baptism. I thanked him for helping Dale get the rest of the way into the fold of God. This missionary who I barely knew took care of the people I love dearly when I was broken and forced to return home.

I was also blessed to talk to one of my old zone leaders, Elder McKee. A couple weeks before, I’d briefly seen him on campus during my intense episode of depression. I was with David at the time and not in the emotional state to chat, so I very briefly waved and walked on by. He remembered that day though at the reunion. The kind spirit that he is, he made sure that I was doing okay, because he’d seen the despair on my face.

In addition to Elder Olmstead, I was also privileged to meet Elder Rumsey, the missionary that Elder Call had trained after me and Elder Olmstead. These two men would be my “brothers” in mission slang (“father” and “son” would be “trainer” and “greenie”). Somehow just the common bond I felt with them, having both served and strived with Elder Call just like I had tried my best to do. This “family reunion” hit somewhere special in my heart.

Somehow I ended up meeting a missionary there who had come home early, like me. He’d had similar fears of feeling alone and lonely. The commonality I felt with that missionary and his desire to do what is right, despite how hard it is coming home early (and it could have been SO easy to have left the church after I came home), was inspiring. Similar to my experiences with SSA, my experiences with other missionaries who have come home early has been a way of being able to find support. They understand the pain I feel when people say “Oh, you did what the Lord required” or “You’re still an RM”. They understand the pains I feel when I wonder if it would have been better for me not to go in the first place. This support system is invaluable to me.

Finally my brief one-on-one talk with President Brower… the things he said to me are too sacred to share, but I know I am so blessed to have had a mission president who cares about me, even now, over 2.5 years later. I love him and I am grateful for all he continues to do for me.

To close, I just want to close with 1 John 4:18: Perfect love (like my mission president and those missionaries showed to me) casteth out fear. And the ultimate source of that love is the Savior, Jesus Christ.

Amen.

Singles Awareness Day

Happy Valentine’s Day! I wish I could say that today was something special for me, but not really. I had class, took a test, and had dinner with the rest of the Spanish house. Nothing out of the ordinary. That being said I’ve felt a lot of peace today and I’m not sure why. You’d think that on a day that is meant for people in a relationship that I would be kinda down (especially since that can be the norm for me some days). Maybe I’m too content being single (not likely). Or maybe it’s something else.

I mentioned to one of my friends (Benjamin) that I’m taking an LDS Marriage/Family class this semester. He told me taking a class about dating, marriage, and stuff would drive him insane. Normally, I’d think so too. Yet that’s not the case. Instead I’ve enjoyed it a lot. By no means is it a marriage prep class (though if you were to go to it with that intent, it’d work). Instead, it’s a doctrinal class about the purpose of marriage and family. You’d think that for someone who finds it hard at times to be attracted to girls, it’d be really annoying. Instead, it’s given me hope in order to find the daughter of God that I will take to the temple. More than that, I’ve learned things that will help me to know how to treat her right.

I’ve got a lot of emotional and mental baggage and I honestly feel like it’ll take someone amazing to overlook that. To overlook my autism, my SSA, my anxieties, and my goofy looking face. Someone prepared by the Lord. Someone with unfathomable amounts of charity. I look forward to finding out who that will be and I pray that I will be worthy of her. Until then, I will do my best to trust in the Father’s plan and take my search one day at a time (or one date at a time).

Looking forward to a future day with a beautiful
girl beside me at a temple like this 

All is Well in Zion?

Wow! It’s kinda late, but I wanted to write this post, so here we go. This morning, I was reading in 2 Nephi 28 for my scripture study. Verse 21 caught my attention. In the past, I’ve had discussions with one of my friends (let’s call him Calvin) about problems we’ve seen in the church. One concern he’s brought up is that (especially in priesthood) we act as though none of us have problems.

All is well in Zion?

Let me tell you, those people couldn’t be more wrong. If I can be blunt, what kind of rock do you have to live under to realize how many problems we have in the church? In our quorums? It irks me at times to have lessons about home teaching in elders quorum and hear some guy say that it’s more important for us to home teach the girls we’re assigned to than the guys. Really? I’ve heard that viewpoint explained that it’s because the girls don’t have roommates who can provide a priesthood blessing. That may be a reason to ensure that the girls get home taught. However, it’s not good enough for me.

All is well in Zion? No.

Palmyra Temple (July 2012)

What is it with our society that tells that that we can’t have problems? Even in the church, where we’re taught that each of us will experience trials. Yet, it seems so common that I see people around BYU that have smiles almost surgically plastered to their face in a way that I honestly don’t believe they’re happy. Pride? Is that the problem? We can’t look weak? Or do people really believe that there aren’t problems? Are many of us actually in denial?

All is well in Zion? Not even close.

I have friends who deal with pornography problems. I have friends who deal with depression and anxiety. I have friends who are stressed out on a daily basis by their classes. I have friends who are distressed by family problems. I have friends who are lonely because, despite their efforts, they are single. I have friends who have been down because of a bad breakup. Am I saying that we should announce our struggles and our problems over the pulpit during testimony meeting? No. I’ve been guilty of that; I’ve been prompted to mention my SSA over the pulpit while bearing my testimony (usually in reference to something it has taught me about the Atonement). However, we should be able to be authentic with those we trust. All of us have friends (even if your only friend is your bishop, you have a friend). Why not be a little vulnerable and feel the support that comes from being authentic with those we love? Being vulnerable and being authentic is scary (trust me; I’ve had some VERY scary days because of it).

As I finish off this post, I’m not sure what to really say. Don’t let the adversary let you believe all is perfect and Zion has no problems. That was never part of the Lord’s definition of Zion. In fact, the most Zion-like places I’ve been have been full of people that have been open to each other about their flaws and have been authentic with each other. However, at the same time, don’t be distressed. Things may not be perfect; we live in a fallen world. The amazing thing about that is that that is why Jesus Christ performed the Atonement, so that we could find that peace amongst affliction and so that we can have hope that it gets better.

It Only Takes One

Last semester I hit a period of time (I can’t remember if it was a matter of days or weeks) in September when I got frustrated with myself. While my roommates were talking about cute girls they’d met and/or were asking out, I was mentally by myself. What was wrong with me that I didn’t notice these girls? I’ve noticed girls before. Sure, they don’t usually make my head turn every time, but I’ve had crushes on girls before. Instead of meeting girls and desiring to go out with them, I was noticing guys and fighting my attractions to them. Why was it so difficult?

It was during that time that I’d gotten into the habit of going up to Lehi for Sunday dinners with Eric and his family and getting to play with his cute daughter. One Sunday as I was leaving, I got talking to Eric about stuff that was going on (seems to happen often with us, making two-minute goodbyes last about half an hour or longer). Of course it was during one of these conversations that I told Eric what had been bothering me about my lack of attraction to women.

His advice hit me as a “duh!” answer. He reminded me that it doesn’t matter if I’m attracted to every woman. In the end, I only get to marry one anyway. As obvious as it was, I don’t think I’m the only one that could benefit from this advice. I’ve talked to other guys with same-sex attraction that have been discouraged about dating and marriage because they don’t get attracted to girls. So what, guys? No one ever said you had to be. In fact, some people find it easier not to be attracted to all women (you’ll have to check out the link to see what I meant).

At the Logan temple; If I'm single, I might
as well enjoy a few more excursions like this 

I’ll say it again though. You only marry one; you don’t need to be attracted to them all. It only takes one! Another thing Eric reminded me about is that just because you get married doesn’t mean your attractions go away (to the same or opposite sex). A married straight guy is still attracted by women other than his wife. In that sense, change (in the sense of sexual orientation) isn’t all or nothing. I know several married people with SSA that were not attracted to anyone of the opposite sex until they met their spouses.

In the meantime though, be happy with where you are. If you’re single, enjoy being single (married people miss it sometimes). If you’re married, enjoy your spouse and be grateful for him/her (you have someone very precious to take care of). Enjoy life in no matter what stage you’re in! Remember the Lord in all things you do. Look forward to the blessings He has promised you as you remain worthy and remember that He will not hold back any blessings in the eternities (including marriage) that you live worthy of. And always remember that, even if today isn’t so good, because of the Atonement, you can trust and have hope that it’ll get better.

Image of White

This week I got to go to the wedding reception for two of my friends: my old roommate Joey and his new bride Erin (who I originally met through my friend Juliana). It was great to be able to Juliana there, along with a couple of my old roommates (one of them being Justin, who told me about how supportive everyone had been of me with my SSA blogging when it came up in conversation why I missed the bachelor party). However, what really struck me happened during Erin’s father/daughter dance. I was struck by a feeling that I recognized. I’d felt it a few months before at Juliana’s wedding reception.

While I was at Juliana’s reception, I got to enjoy the company of many friends that I’ve met through her over the three years I’ve known her. There was a point during the reception… it was during her first dance with her husband, Caleb, that I had a distinctly peaceful feeling telling me “One day, it will be my turn for this.”

I was asked once by a gay guy I knew if I would ever regret not being with a man. I had to think for a second… I knew the answer was no, but how could I be sure? I think one of the biggest reasons is that when I’ve pictured my wedding like I did when that peaceful feeling came to me at Juliana’s reception I was not with a man. I was with a daughter of God dressed in white. White… that’s what stood out to me. This image of white… my future bride in her dress, the two of us in the temple dressed in our white temple clothes, and future children dressed in white at eight-years-old that I can baptize… these images give me hope.

I’ve been attracted to girls in the past… usually it happens emotionally first before it becomes a physical attraction. Regardless, I know it’s possible, so I have no doubt that I will get married in this life. It may not be soon (or maybe it will be) but moments of peaceful hope and joy, like I felt at Joey and Erin’s reception and at Juliana and Caleb’s reception, help me keep that goal of an eternal marriage and an eternal family in mind.

It will happen… and in the meantime, I have great friends to love me and help give me hope.

With Joey and Erin at their reception

2012: Year in Review

It’s hard to believe that 2012 is over. In some ways it seems like just yesterday that I was in California with my family celebrating the New Year. Yet in other ways it seems like it’s been forever. It’s certainly been an interesting year. A year ago, I would have never expected that I would be where I am. Like many people, the end of the year is a time of reflection for me. In my family, for many years we had a tradition (typically falling on the first Monday of the New Year, for FHE) where we did a “Year in Review”, where we had different topics to get us thinking about things that had happened during the year and what we would remember. So, that’s what I want to do today: My 2012 Year in Review.

Neatest Place You were in 2012

Honestly, most of my year was spent in Utah, no further north than Bountiful and no further south than Provo. The only big excursion I did was my trip out east this past summer. I flew out to Grand Rapids, Michigan where I saw Garrett for the first time in two years, we drove out to Toronto to visit people from my mission, and then we drove down to Niagara Falls and Palmyra before heading back to Michigan. Other than Michigan, I’d been to all of those places before, but it was a great experience being there again with my best friend.

Me and Garrett on our trip, while at Niagara Falls

Biggest Surprise of the Year

The biggest surprise probably was the prompting I received in mid-August, while reading Voice(s) of Hope, to start blogging about my SSA. It seemed to come out of nowhere and it stuck with me. I thought about it and prayed about it for about two months before I ended up doing it. I knew it’d be scary (like I’ve said before, October 20 was the scariest day of my LIFE) but I was also overwhelmed with all of the positive feedback (again, thank you all for your support and for giving me that positive feedback). Honestly, I feel like that prompting (though directly only got me to start blogging) got me to do the Voice(s) of Hope project and also to get more involved in the North Star community, which brought about another big surprise: I felt at home there, in ways that I don’t know if I’ve ever felt before.

Josh and Lolly Weed's Voice(s) of Hope shoot

Best TV Show/Movie You Watched

Anyone who knows me relatively closely knows that I’m a big fan of the ABC show “Once Upon a Time”. Though the acting can be kind of corny and the writing can be kind of cheesy… I figure, it’s a fairy tale show; of course it’ll be that way. One of the themes I love the most in the show is the idea of “true love” typically used in the sense of “true love’s kiss”. Unlike most versions of fairy tale stories, in this show “true love” doesn’t mean the same as “soul mates”. It has more to do with who you truly love, whether it’s romantically with a couple or from a mother to her son.

Mom and Dad and True Love's Kiss

Saddest Day/Time in 2012

The worst part of this year for me was around February and March. After coming home from serving in Calgary, I was a bit of a wreck in some ways. I felt like a failure. I felt like I had been cheated from what I wanted to do the most. In February and March, I dealt with some major depression, trying to overcome those feelings. The feeling of being a failure as a missionary translated into my schoolwork, making me lose confidence in my ability to fulfill my assignments. I remember one day in particular that was bad… I was crying in my car about being home from my mission… I wanted to be in the mission field and yet I also knew I would be suffering emotionally if I was out there. It seemed like there was no way that I could be happy with myself. That night, I talked to my trainer, Elder Jared Call, on the phone and he helped me realize that it was okay to feel that pain and it was okay to feel that way. Honestly, that night was the beginning of my journey to become happy again with myself.

Elder Call visiting me in Provo a year ago

Happiest Day/Time in 2012

It’s hard to say what the happiest time of the year has been for me. There were many of them. My road trip with Garrett was amazing. Being able to spend days on end, just me and my best friend, visiting place that I love was the best. It was also during this trip that I told Garrett about my SSA and he has been one of my strongest allies as I’ve “come out” and done this SSA Missionary Work on my blog. Another one of the “happiest” times of this year was receiving all of the positive feedback about my blog on October 20. Blogging about my SSA was something that made me feel extremely vulnerable and the positive feedback made me feel so much better and empowered to be able to share my story. Attending the AMCAP Conference and filming for Voice(s) of Hope were a couple of other amazing experiences this year. Being able to share my testimony and then meet a few of my heroes (Ty Mansfield, Josh Weed, etc.). In addition, the North Star Christmas fireside, where I felt such a strong sense of home and Zion, was another event this year that would rank on my happiest.

AMCAP Conference Panel

Best Book/Magazine You’ve Read

If you couldn’t guess it already, my favorite book this year was Voice(s) of Hope. It is what set the ball rolling for so much of what happened to me in the second half of the year. It is such an amazing compilation of testimonies and spiritual experiences. It has taught me so much about myself through the experiences of others. If you have a desire to learn about SSA from a gospel perspective, get this book. My dad has read it, Garrett is reading it, “Steve” bought a copy for himself… and each of them has said how much it has helped them understand SSA.

Voice(s) of Hope booth at the AMCAP Conference

Things You Will Remember From the News

With everything that’s happened in the world, a couple things I will remember from this year follow a similar theme to what I’ve already talked about. In many ways, this is the “Year of the ‘Gay’” for me, coming to accept my SSA more fully, joining the North Star/LDS SSA community, and “coming out” on my blog. As such, a couple things I remember from the news have to do with my heroes of the SSA community: Josh Weed and Ty Mansfield. After Josh did his blog post about being a gay man in a heterosexual marriage, it went viral to the point that he ended up on ABC’s Nightline special, in addition to making other media appearances. I’ve met Josh and his wife and honestly they had no idea how big of a splash this would make. Yet a splash it did make and despite persecution they’ve received since then, they stand as witnesses of the truth to the world. Another thing from the news I remember is Ty Mansfield on CNN after the church released its new website about SSA. Ty was not respected very well in that interview and as always my respect for him and his wife (both of whom have received persecution, while being in the spotlight) for what they do in standing up for the truth.

Josh and Lolly Weed on ABC's Nightline

What Would You Like to Do In 2013?

As far as secular things, I want to get into my major. I think I have finally figured out what I want to do for a major. I think I want to study Family Life and then go into marriage and family therapy. In the past few months, with everything I’ve learned from dealing with my SSA with such a steep learning curve, I’ve been able to see how SSA, abuse, infidelity, and a lack of communication can cause problems in a marriage and in a family. The world is falling apart when it comes to families. The adversary is attacking the family on all fronts because he knows that if he can break down the family, he can break down the rest of society. That’s why I want to help save the family. The world needs people with a testimony of the gospel and a testimony of the plan of salvation to help mend families. On a more personal level, I want to continue to help people with my blog. I love it when I hear that my blog has helped someone. One such person who continues to remain anonymous to me (which I TOTALLY understand) has never told anyone about his SSA but has been able to find help and support through my blog. I cherish moments like that or experiences like I had with “Steve”.

Me with Ty Mansfield after my Voice(s) of Hope shoot

Favorite Talk in Church/Conference

My favorite conference talk was probably Elder Holland this fall (I love Elder Holland’s talks!). I’ve had people talk to me about going overboard with the SSA thing and talking about it too much and I’ve had some people that felt uncomfortable talking about it period. Why do I do it then? Honestly, because I feel like I have felt the call from my Heavenly Father to use my talent in writing and in words to help His children. Of course it’s not an official calling, but I feel the need to do it, especially in my demographic. I understand that many young men my age with SSA will not be comfortable outing themselves over the internet, but no one ever said they should. I felt that I should though, because the young single adult demographic needed to be represented, because even here at BYU I’ve seen so many people with conflicting ideas on how to reconcile their SSA. Some would say that the only option is to go into a same-sex relationship, even if you have to wait until you’re graduated from BYU to do it. Some would say go ahead with a same-sex relationship right now. In many ways, it seems like they only give people with SSA one choice: Be true to yourself and give up on your faith.

However, I will not give up on my faith. Yes, it would be physically pleasing to be with a man. Yes, it might even be emotionally satisfying. No, it’s not worth sacrificing my faith and my testimony. Be true to myself? Fine. I will, because being true to myself means being true to my testimony, because my faith and my testimony are more of a defining characteristic to me than my sexuality. Because I love my Savior and because I love my Heavenly Father, I will stand as a witness for Them and for the truth! I know that I can have faith in my Father in Heaven because He knows what’s best for me. I know I can find hope and peace through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I know that it is through them that it gets better.

PS: What would your "2012: Year in Review" include?

My Gift to You (Christmas 2012)

Merry Christmas 2012! Well, we survived the “end of the world”; what next? Well, today was Christmas and I was blessed to be able to spend it with my parents and my little brother. Tonight, as the day is calming down, I wanted to give you all a last minute Christmas present. This is my “Voices of Hope” playlist. Of course, you’ve seen me write about “Voices of Hope”, but this playlist is something a little different. Whereas the Voice(s) of Hope website and the book are particularly about same-sex attraction, this playlist is just a series of songs that give me hope. In my struggles and experiences with same-sex attraction, that’s why most of these songs are on this playlist. However, this playlist also gives me hope in my other struggles (be it annoying coworkers, a fender bender (which happened to me yesterday, sadly), or being alone in your apartment for a week, which also happened to me this week).  Anyway, here we go…

Song #1—“Who Am I” by Casting Crowns

One of the points I wanted to get across the most in my original SSA post was that I don’t want my SSA to define who I am. Yes, it has become a very prominent part of my life; especially in the past couple months since my “coming out”. But no, it does not define me. As I’ve mentioned before, I am so much more than my SSA. I am a brother. I am an uncle. I am a writer. I am a returned missionary. I am a student. I am a friend. I am a member of the Lord’s true church. Most importantly, I am a child of God. I love this song by Casting Crowns because it so clearly says to me that no matter how much I do and how much I am, without Him, I am nothing. So, who am I? I am a child of God… and I am His.

Song #2—“This is Your Life” by Switchfoot

This song by Switchfoot is one that sends me into a lot of introspection. It makes me look back at the past day, week, month, year, and lifetime. What do I regret? What don’t I regret? What can I do to make the second category more prominent? Who do I want to be? King Benjamin counseled his people to watch their thoughts, deeds, and words because that is who they would become. This is a song about repentance. Who do I want to be and what changes do I need to make in my life to become him?

Song #3—“Marching On” by OneRepublic

This song has given me an impression (similar to “This is Your Life”) of introspection. What do you like? What don’t you like? Take what you like about yourself. Take your strengths, take your good qualities, and leave the negative ones behind. Move on and press forward, away from the negative. When you make a mistake, own up to it and move on. There is and never will be a point in brooding over what we’ve done wrong. Learn from it, and continue marching on.

Song #4—“I Dare You to Move” by Switchfoot

Another Switchfoot song (you’ll see a pattern of that in this post… I like Switchfoot). This song has had a lot of meaning to me lately, as I’ve felt stuck in one place at times. At times, my mistakes and my imperfections overwhelm me. However, like the very first lines to this song say, welcome to mortality. Everyone has their stuff to deal with. However, it is our choice to move on and dare ourselves to take the step out of our comfort zones to where we will stretch and maybe hurt, but ultimately grow. Like the previous two songs, this song invites me to take a good look at who I am and who I want to be. Like “Marching On”, it motivates me to action to leave the past behind and become a better disciple of Christ and child of God.

Song #5—“I’ll Make a Man Out of You” from Mulan

This has been one of the funnest songs for me since being in the cast of the Hill Cumorah Pageant in 2009. I even wrote a blog post about it last year. Especially in regards to my SSA, I can see how my struggles have made me look at myself and become a better man. Honestly, one of the blessings of having SSA is that it forces me to be humble. However, although consciously I know my struggles will make me stronger, in the midst of temptation and hardship, my SSA (and other trials) can be more like Shang is when he tells Mulan to go home (2:24 mark in the video). However, that’s the moment that matters the most. I am the most hurt. I am the lowest. I can’t go any longer. And yet, something inside me pushes forward and instead of giving up, I become a better man because I chose to take on my struggles head-on.

Song #6—“Goodbye, Apathy” by OneRepublic

A couple days ago this song really described how I felt. I was in emotional crisis mode (in regards to “I’ll Make a Man Out of You”, I was being told by Shang to go home). I felt empty and I felt apathetic to everything around me. However, thanks to a couple of friends (you know who you are), I was able to break out of that mindset and begin to care for my emotional wellbeing again. Saying goodbye to my apathy opened the floodgates for my negative emotions too… but I actually felt grateful for that, because I felt the motivation to keep going and to (going back to the Mulan analogy) retrieve that arrow from the top of the pole. Honestly, I’m still working toward the top, but I won’t give up on making it there.

Song #7—“Defying Gravity” from Wicked

In the world, I feel as though people with SSA are told to just live a gay lifestyle and “be true to themselves”. However, that’s not who I am. Instead, I choose to stand up against their words and stand up for the truth, for the gospel, for the church, which has been attacked by the LGBT community in the past. DISCLAIMER: I am not meaning to bash on any people who live a gay lifestyle. However, I am choosing to “side” with my faith, not my sexuality. This decision to live a life of faith can be difficult. I have heard stories of Josh and Lolly Weed and Ty and Danielle Mansfield being the recipients of persecution because they choose to support the church. I stand with them. I stand with my Savior, no matter how unpopular that decision may be. Back to the song… “nobody in all of Oz, no wizard that there is or was, is ever gonna bring me down.”

(me and two of my brothers after going to see Wicked in Salt Lake City this summer)

Song #8—“Chasing the Sun” by The Wanted

This song is a favorite of my friend “John” (in fact he wanted to use it as part of his Voices of Hope video). Today I was asked by one of my readers if I’ve been happier since I “came out”. I told him that I have no always been happier, but I do not regret the decision to “come out”. Like this song says, I am better, so much better now. I can see the light of the Son and I refuse to run away from what He has asked me to do. I feel a pull to be a missionary, even if it’s in a very unusual sense. I believe it’s what the Lord has called me to do, because His children need a voice of hope. I will continue to follow Him throughout the rest of my life.

Song #9—“Keep Holding On” by Avril Lavigne

After all of those power songs, I want to slow down a little… Yes, I have felt the call. Yes, I am committed to the gospel. Yes, I even enjoy my SSA sometimes. However, that doesn’t change how hard it is sometimes. It’s hard to be in elders’ quorum and have a lesson on dating. Sometimes it’s hard to see happy couples around BYU’s campus and not feel jealous or lonely. Honestly, it’s hard for me to see Garrett, my best friend, with his girlfriend at times. Do I want them to break up? HECK NO! But it can be hard. Even though I have felt attracted to women before, it’s hard. However, I know that as I “keep holding on” to the iron rod, I will be okay and He will give me strength and carry me through the parts of life that I can’t handle on my own.

Song #10—“Rise Above It” by Switchfoot

Like “Defying Gravity”, to me this song talks about living above the status quo. Just because the world says something is okay doesn’t mean that it is. Honestly, sometimes, like this song says, “I guess I’m looking for a miracle” and “we can be who we want to be.” In the simplest sense, this song is about living above the way of the world. We are a peculiar people. We are meant to be set apart and different from the rest of the world, because we know better. We are meant to be that example of what it means to be a follower of Christ.

Song #11—“Only Hope” by Switchfoot

Bringing it back down again… Switchfoot, being a Christian rock band, is one of my favorites because they do stuff like this. As much as I want to help others and as much as I want my friends to help me, I recognize that the true source of hope and only lasting hope comes from the Lord Jesus Christ. As much as I love talking about the Voices of Hope project, I want to reiterate what Steven Frei said at the North Star Christmas fireside: “Two thousand years ago, Mary and Joseph knocked. Now, Christ knocks at our door. He is our true Voice of hope.” When you look at the Voices of Hope logo, note that it actually says “Voice(s) of Hope” with the “s” in parenthesis. The book and the website have “Voices of Hope” but even more importantly, each of those voices (of which mine will soon be a part) testifies of the true and living Voice of hope, our Redeemer, Jesus Christ.

I want to close off with a question for you. What song(s) would be on your Voices of Hope playlist, whether you struggle with SSA, addiction, self-esteem, bad grades, or whatever? What brings hope to you and helps you to remember the Atonement?

As always, I want to end with my testimony of the Atonement… I know that Jesus Christ, the Baby of Bethlehem, was born to atone for me, for you, and for all of us. He paid the price that we couldn’t and I will forever be grateful for His sacrifice that brings me everlasting hope. As I always say, it is through the Atonement that we can gain hope and that it gets better. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

The R in RM

What does the “R” in “RM” stand for? I’ve heard many variations on what RM does mean or should mean. One professor I had said that instead of “returned missionary” it should mean “released missionary,” explaining that after a missionary goes home they should not return to their old ways. A mission, when done right, should be a great growing experience for a young man. However, there are many missionaries who go home and find themselves among their same friends and end up sinking back into old habits and immaturities. In this way, my professor meant that an RM should retain the lessons and growth he/she learned in the mission field in his/her life. While, I agree with that, I also heard another great explanation of what RM should mean.

Last month (July) I had the opportunity and the great blessing to go visit Toronto and to go to church in both wards in which I had served in Brampton, Ontario: Creditview and Heart Lake. I got to share this great experience and amazing road trip with my best friend, Garrett, after finally reuniting with him after two years. While we were at the Heart Lake ward, we had the opportunity to talk to a man named Felix. I’d never met Felix while I served in Heart Lake (he had been less-active at the time) but I had heard about him from Casey, my future roommate who had been in my MTC district and had served in Heart Lake about a year after I left.

Garrett and I spoke to Felix for a while. He is a man of such great faith and insight. He mentioned to me and Garrett his thoughts on being a returned missionary (though I can’t remember if he served a mission or not). Though having only been back in the church for a relatively short time, Felix had taken to being a member missionary and that’s where his idea of what it means to be an RM comes from. He mentioned to me and Garrett that being a returned missionary is far different from being a retired missionary. Though having “returned” from serving full-time, an RM (returned missionary) by definition is still a missionary.

I really like Felix’s definition of an RM. Just because I have returned from my mission (twice now), I am still a missionary, a returned missionary. As cliché as it sounds, it is so true that missionary work does not end when the name tag comes off. In fact, when I was getting ready to come home from Calgary, my friend Eric wrote to me and said that now, having returned home, is when the real missionary work begins, which is what my mission trained me for.

As if the point Felix made wasn’t clear enough, I started noticing by the end of my vacation how many missionaries I seemed to run into. The first night I was in Grand Rapids with Garrett’s family, we had dinner with the companionship of elders in their ward. While in Brampton, we saw four different companionships of elders (the Credtview elders, the Heart Lake elders, the Spanish elders, and the Brampton ward elders). After visiting Brampton, we went to visit Palmyra (we got to see my family and some old friends and Garrett LOVED the church history sites), so of course we saw a good number of sister missionaries at the visitors centers and historical sites. However, while in Palmyra, we also managed to run into a companionship of elders while we were at the dollar store getting batteries. After getting back from our road trip, during my last full day in Grand Rapids, we had a visit from the sister missionaries in their ward. As if I hadn’t had enough run-ins with missionaries during my trip, I guess I still wasn’t quite getting the message that Heavenly Father was trying to get me to learn.

It wasn’t until I was at the Dallas/Fort Worth airport that the lesson finally hit home. While waiting for my connecting flight in Dallas, I ran into a group of missionaries returning to Utah from Italy. I took the opportunity to chat with several of them (there were at least six of them, elders and sisters, in total). I called Garrett from the airport and told him about running into the missionaries at the airport and he pointed out to me the lesson, that maybe it was a hint from Heavenly Father that I wasn’t done with missionary work.

Arriving in Salt Lake City, waiting for my ride, I got to witness those missionaries, returning from Italy, reunite with their families. After nearly two years away from Toronto, it was therapeutic to go back and visit and see that it wasn’t a waste of my time, even though it was only three months. I even felt like a missionary again while I was there and so did Garrett (I even had to remind Garrett at one point that I wasn’t his companion, when I had to run back to the Sunday School room in Heart Lake to retrieve my scriptures and I found Garrett following me). After such an amazing vacation, I cannot imagine a better ending to it than seeing those missionaries reunite with their families again. To those elders and sisters (if somehow they happen to chance upon this) remember that you’re not done:

You’re a returned missionary, not a retired missionary.

(I guess you could basically say Garrett was my last companion in Toronto :D)

I'll Make a Man Out of You

This blog post has been coming for a long time. It’s just been hard to put it into words. Many of my friends from Hill Cumorah Pageant will remember belting out “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” during karaoke on Hobart Day. There is also a Youtube video that Garrett showed me of him belting out this song (big mistake, buddy, haha). I also have memories of my friend, Michele Smith (who is now on her mission in Japan), playing this song whenever we (me, her, Melissa, and Eric) were going somewhere in Eric’s car. I absolutely love this song. It is such a goofy, weird, and strangely spiritually inspirational song.

The day my district left the MTC for Toronto, we were walking across the MTC campus in the early morning, this song was going through my head. Maybe it was because we were up so early… maybe it was because we’d spent three weeks straight trying to train ourselves to think spiritually… maybe it’s just because I’m weird… I started to analyze this song spiritually, in regards to a mission, so here we go:

The biggest point of this song, spiritually, that I saw came from a conversation I’d once had with Juliana about guys and missions. The point of the conversation had been that missions turn boys into men. In other words, the mission will “make a man out of you.” Get it? ;) A mission (hopefully) will teach a young man to follow the Spirit, to learn the gospel, and what is most important. Even after only the three and a half months I was out, people could see this in me.

I’m sure I could break down most of the lines of this song to have some spiritual meaning, but there’s one part that means something to me particularly right now as I come closer to finding out about returning to my mission (even if I don’t know exactly when I will find out): “You’re unsuited for the rage of war. So, pack up, go home. You’re through. How could I make a man out of you?” I mentioned the spiritual application of this part to Garrett in one of my letters. Oddly enough (or not oddly, for anyone who knows me and him) he had been thinking of a spiritual application to this song too and he’d gotten stuck on this line. My spiritual application that I told him was this: the line is Satan telling us we’re no good, we can’t make it the rest of the way, and we can’t do it. If you remember from the movie, though, this line in the song is said and Mulan is about to leave. She turns around, sees the pole, arrow, and medals from the original challenge that Shang had given them. She goes back and makes it up the pole.

Life seems to get hard just before something good happens (so I’m expecting something good pretty quick). Satan tells us we’re not good enough or strong enough to make it through the trial. If we give up when he tells us to though, we’ll miss out on the prize that our Heavenly Father has in store for us.  He will never ask us to do more than we can handle (1 Corinthians 10:13; 1 Nephi 3:7). When Joseph Smith was in the Sacred Grove, the adversary attacked him. By his own account, Joseph Smith was just about to give up, when the light of Heaven began to appear (JS-H 1:16). He will rescue us in our darkest hour. That I know for certain.

--Spencer

Light on the Horizon

Hey! Just a small post for today. I was looking at my blog and I felt like I wanted a new banner for my blog. I absolutely love the picture of me and President Brower that I'd used for my banner for a while after I got back (it's been my Facebook profile picture pretty much the whole time I've been back and it will stay that way until I'm cleared to return). Instead of that, I decided to use this sunset picture. I took this picture as I was coming out of the Provo Temple one evening. I don't know how, but last semester, I had a habit of coming out of the temple at the PERFECT moments to see the PERFECT sunsets.

I chose this for my new banner because I can now see the light on the horizon. For those of you who are wondering if this means I'm now officially going back, the answer is NO. Trust me, it'll be VERY obvious when I post about that. I'm planning on titling that post as "Called to Serve... Again". Anyway, it's time to get back on topic.

Last week, I had an appointment with LDS Family Services (the 5th I've had... I think) and amongst other topics my counselor (Brother Gibbons) told me that once March rolls around, he wants to start working on me applying to return to my mission after this semester is over.

But no matter what's going on in our lives, we can always see the light if we try. Though we may be in a dark tunnel of trials, if we focus on our Savior and His atoning sacrifice and move forward with faith (as I mentioned in my last post), we can always have hope (see Ether 12:4). Even as I write this, I feel very hypocritical because this is something I need to work on, but in my heart I know this is true.