Merry Christmas 2012! Well, we
survived the
“end
of the world”; what next? Well, today was Christmas and I was blessed to be
able to spend it with my parents and my little brother. Tonight, as the day is
calming down, I wanted to give you all a last minute Christmas present. This is
my
“Voices
of Hope” playlist. Of course, you’ve seen me write about “
Voices of
Hope”, but this playlist is something a little different. Whereas the
Voice(s) of Hope website and the book
are particularly about same-sex attraction, this playlist is just a series of
songs that give me hope. In my struggles and experiences with same-sex
attraction, that’s why most of these songs are on this playlist. However, this
playlist also gives me hope in my other struggles (be it annoying coworkers, a
fender bender (which happened to me yesterday, sadly), or being alone in your
apartment for a week, which also happened to me this week). Anyway, here we go…
One of the points I wanted to get
across the most in
my
original SSA post was that I don’t want my SSA to define who I am. Yes, it
has become a very prominent part of my life; especially in the past couple
months since my “coming out”. But no, it does not define me. As I’ve mentioned
before, I am so much more than my SSA. I am a brother.
I am an
uncle. I am a writer.
I am a returned
missionary. I am a student. I am a friend. I am a member of the Lord’s true
church. Most importantly, I am a child of God. I love this song by Casting
Crowns because it so clearly says to me that no matter how much I do and how
much I am, without Him, I am nothing. So, who am I? I am a child of God… and I
am His.
This song by Switchfoot is one
that sends me into a lot of introspection. It makes me look back at the past
day, week, month, year, and lifetime. What do I regret? What don’t I regret?
What can I do to make the second category more prominent? Who do I want to be?
King Benjamin
counseled his people to watch their thoughts, deeds, and words because that is
who they would become. This is a song about repentance. Who do I want to be and
what changes do I need to make in my life to become him?
This song has given me an
impression (similar to “This is Your Life”) of introspection. What do you like?
What don’t you like? Take what you like about yourself. Take your strengths,
take your good qualities, and leave the negative ones behind. Move on and press
forward, away from the negative. When you make a mistake, own up to it and move
on. There is and never will be a point in brooding over what we’ve done wrong.
Learn from it, and continue marching on.
Another Switchfoot song (you’ll
see a pattern of that in this post… I like Switchfoot). This song has had a lot
of meaning to me lately, as I’ve felt stuck in one place at times. At times, my
mistakes and my imperfections overwhelm me. However, like the very first lines
to this song say, welcome to mortality. Everyone has their stuff to deal with.
However, it is our choice to move on and dare ourselves to take the step out of
our comfort zones to where we will stretch and maybe hurt, but ultimately grow.
Like the previous two songs, this song invites me to take a good look at who I
am and who I want to be. Like “Marching On”, it motivates me to action to leave
the past behind and become a better disciple of Christ and child of God.
This has been one of the funnest
songs for me since being in the cast of the Hill Cumorah Pageant in 2009. I
even wrote a
blog
post about it last year. Especially in regards to my SSA, I can see how my
struggles have made me look at myself and become a better man. Honestly,
one of
the blessings of having SSA is that it forces me to be humble. However,
although consciously I know my struggles will make me stronger, in the midst of
temptation and hardship, my SSA (and other trials) can be more like Shang is
when he tells Mulan to go home (2:24 mark in the video). However, that’s the
moment that matters the most. I am the most hurt. I am the lowest. I can’t go
any longer. And yet, something inside me pushes forward and instead of giving
up, I become a better man because I chose to take on my struggles head-on.
A couple days ago this song
really described how I felt. I was in emotional crisis mode (in regards to
“I’ll Make a Man Out of You”, I was being told by Shang to go home). I felt
empty and I felt apathetic to everything around me. However, thanks to a couple
of friends (you know who you are), I was able to break out of that mindset and
begin to care for my emotional wellbeing again. Saying goodbye to my apathy
opened the floodgates for my negative emotions too… but I actually felt
grateful for that, because I felt the motivation to keep going and to (going
back to the Mulan analogy) retrieve that arrow from the top of the pole.
Honestly, I’m still working toward the top, but I won’t give up on making it
there.
In the world, I feel as though
people with SSA are told to just live a gay lifestyle and “be true to
themselves”. However,
that’s not
who I am. Instead, I choose to stand up against their words and stand up
for the truth, for the gospel, for the church, which has been attacked by the
LGBT community in the past.
DISCLAIMER:
I am not meaning to bash on any people who live a gay lifestyle. However, I am
choosing to “side” with my faith, not my sexuality. This decision to live a
life of faith can be difficult. I have heard stories of
Josh and Lolly Weed and Ty and Danielle
Mansfield being the recipients of persecution because they choose to support
the church. I stand with them. I stand with my Savior, no matter how unpopular
that decision may be. Back to the song… “nobody in all of Oz, no wizard that
there is or was, is ever gonna bring me down.”
(me and two of my brothers after going to see Wicked in Salt Lake City this summer)
This song is a favorite of my
friend
“John”
(in fact he wanted to use it as part of his Voices of Hope video). Today I was
asked by one of my readers if I’ve been happier since I “came out”. I told him
that I have no always been happier, but I do not regret the decision to “come
out”. Like this song says, I am better, so much better now. I can see the light
of the Son and I refuse to run away from what He has asked me to do. I feel a
pull to be a missionary, even if it’s in a very
unusual
sense. I believe it’s what the Lord has called me to do, because His
children need a voice of hope. I will continue to follow Him throughout the
rest of my life.
After all of those power songs, I
want to slow down a little… Yes, I have felt the call. Yes, I am committed to
the gospel. Yes, I even
enjoy
my SSA sometimes. However, that doesn’t change how hard it is sometimes.
It’s hard to be in elders’ quorum and have a lesson on dating. Sometimes it’s
hard to see happy couples around BYU’s campus and not feel jealous or lonely.
Honestly, it’s hard for me to see
Garrett,
my best friend, with his girlfriend at times. Do I want them to break up?
HECK NO! But it can be hard. Even though I have felt attracted to women before,
it’s hard. However, I know that as I “keep holding on” to the iron rod, I will
be okay and He will give me strength and
carry me
through the parts of life that I can’t handle on my own.
Like “Defying Gravity”, to me
this song talks about living above the status quo. Just because the world says
something is okay doesn’t mean that it is. Honestly, sometimes, like this song
says, “I guess I’m looking for a miracle” and “we can be who we want to be.” In
the simplest sense, this song is about living above the way of the world. We
are a
peculiar
people. We are meant to be set apart and different from the rest of the
world, because we know better. We are meant to be that example of what it means
to be a follower of Christ.
Bringing it back down again…
Switchfoot, being a Christian rock band, is one of my favorites because they do
stuff like this. As much as I want to help others and as much as I want my
friends to help me, I recognize that the true source of hope and only lasting
hope comes from the Lord Jesus Christ. As much as I love talking about the
Voices of Hope project, I want to reiterate what Steven Frei said at the
North Star
Christmas fireside: “Two thousand years ago, Mary and Joseph knocked. Now,
Christ knocks at our door. He is our true Voice of hope.” When you look at the
Voices of Hope logo, note that it actually says “Voice(s) of Hope” with the “s”
in parenthesis. The book and the website have “Voices of Hope” but even more
importantly, each of those voices (of which mine will soon be a part) testifies
of the true and living Voice of hope, our Redeemer, Jesus Christ.
I want to close off with a
question for you. What song(s) would be on your Voices of Hope playlist,
whether you struggle with SSA, addiction, self-esteem, bad grades, or whatever?
What brings hope to you and helps you to remember the Atonement?
As always, I want to end with my
testimony of the Atonement… I know that Jesus Christ, the Baby of Bethlehem,
was born to atone for me, for you, and for all of us. He paid the price that we
couldn’t and I will forever be grateful for His sacrifice that brings me
everlasting hope. As I always say, it is through the Atonement that we can gain
hope and that it gets better. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
