My Origin Story

The grades are in. I’m done. My last class at BYU is finished. The only thing left is for my diploma to come in the mail. The end of my seven years at BYU has made me reflect on how I got to this point. I’ve been noticing just how different I am from the kid who graduated from high school in Southern Alberta. As a result, I knew I wanted to write this post.

I tossed it around in my head back and forth whether I wanted to write this for my blog or for Mormon Geeks, but I felt that it fit best here. Maybe it’s cheesy to call this my origin story, but it kind of makes sense in a way. While I still lack super powers (keep my fingers crossed though, right?) I have grown much more than I thought I would.

Back in high school and middle school, I was into Yu-Gi-Oh, Digimon, Pokemon, Harry Potter, LOST, and probably some other stuff too. But no one could know. At least not about the weirder stuff like the anime. I don’t remember if I was every explicitly teased for those things when I was in high school, but it was always a worry.

Fast forward seven years to today. I’ve done things I never thought I would:

• I’ve been a missionary, maybe not as long as I thought or in ways that I expected, but I’ve been able to serve the Lord.
• I have best friends. In middle school, the idea of having a best friend was only a dream. Now I have many close friends. I wish I got to see many of them more, but I know they’re there.
• I went to a football game (both American football and real football) and I enjoyed it. Granted it had more to do with the company I was with, but go figure that I had fun.
• I’ve opened up about the parts of my life that I once thought were the deepest and darkest. Now they’re my greatest teachers.
• I’ve learned two languages and forgotten one. Technically I can’t say I ever learned ASL, but I learned some. However, I did learn Spanish. I became more proficient in Spanish than I ever was in French, which I have more or less lost at this point.
• I learned that I like hiking. In Scouts, I hated it, but maybe that had more to do with not having friends in Scouts. Now I love exploring (I should really do a hike sometime in the near future…)

• I’ve been to Disneyland. TWICE! And I’m going back this fall. Be jealous.
• I learned to travel alone. Since my mission(s), I have flown on my own to California, Louisiana, Michigan, New York, and Spain. I used to think flying was so complicated, but I’m doing a pretty good job at it now.
• I learned that I like working out! I had a curiosity about it before, but now I crave that hour so two at the gym each day. It gives me a high that I thoroughly enjoy, even when I feel super sore.
• I’ve embraced my geekiness. Whereas in high school I hid it, now I flaunt it. I dress up as video game, movie, and TV show characters for Comic Conventions and any other opportunity just because it’s fun. Heck! I write for a blog entitled “Mormon Geeks”. How much geekier could it be? Seven years ago I would have NEVER done that! I even played Quidditch that one time for Garrett’s birthday.
• I learned that I like to drive. In high school, I was scared of driving. I didn’t want to get my license because the idea of getting in a wreck was so scary. Now I drive nearly every day and I depend on it way more than I wish I had to.
• I’ve visited Central America! Granted it was only for 6 hours per day for three days, but I got to visit Belize, Roatan, and Mexico briefly during our family cruise. Despite traveling from Canada to the US throughout my life, I’d never got further south.

• I got to be a best man in a wedding. Well, kinda. Garrett didn’t have groomsmen at his wedding, but I did take charge of the bachelor party and I may have (or may not have) decorated his car at the reception. Never mind the fact that I was blown away to have real friends, I never expected to have that close of a friend.
• I’ve attended several concerts! Granted, where I grew up was not conducive to attending concerts, but I wasn’t enough into music to care. Now I’ve been to four concerts in the past four years (possibly another one this year too).
• I willingly participated in the Hill Cumorah Pageant again and alone. Both times previous, I had been in the cast with my family, but in 2014 I made the step and joined the cast by myself. It was scary not knowing anyone, but it must have been okay since I’m going again (flying out this Friday).

• I went to Europe! I spent two months in Spain on a study abroad. Especially since I didn’t feel 100% comfortable with the language, this was a big step. Also, it was scary because I didn’t know any of my classmates before I left. One of the best decisions I made at BYU to learn Spanish and go to Spain.
• I started running and I like it! What is it with all of these athletic things that I enjoy now? I hated running in gym class, but now I’m running to get a high to deal with stress. What’s going on with me? One of the highlights of my day is putting Netflix on and watching an episode of whatever on the treadmill. Also my two Dirty Dashes. I never thought a mud run would be appealing, but I love it!!!
• I’ve met celebrities! Granted all of the celebrities I’ve met so far have been Doctor Who actors, but who cares? They’re my celebrities. I even got to interview a couple of them this past Comic Con FanX.
• I got a full time job before I’d even graduated! I’ve been working at Chrysalis for a year now, but I became a house manager in January, six months before I was done school.

I honestly can’t say which of these things surprises me the most. As lost as I feel at times, in some ways that’s what’s best. If I knew what was going on in my life, I wouldn’t have applied for this job when I did, I wouldn’t have taken the risks that I have, and I wouldn’t have gotten to know myself as well as I have. As much as I don’t think at times that I know who Spencer Ficiur is, maybe I know him better than I think. Maybe he’s more confident than I give him credit for. 

“And I do this for a wise purpose; for thus it whispereth me, according to the workings of the Spirit of the Lord which is in me. And now, I do not know all things; but the Lord knoweth all things which are to come; wherefore, he worketh in me to do according to his will.” (Words of Mormon 1:7)

The most surprising thing… Tonight, I feel at home in the world.

I See His Hand

For the anniversary of the Voices of Hope project, I want to share something somewhat unrelated. Something I’ve been thinking about since Sunday.

In the Book of Mormon, Alma says that “all things denote there is a God; yea, even the earth, and all things that are upon the face of it, yea, and its motion, yea, and also all the planets which move in their regular form do witness that there is a Supreme Creator” (Alma 30:44). I’ve been thinking about what things “witness that there is a Supreme Creator” in my life, so here’s a little bit of a quick list.

1.      I see His hand in every picture I see my sister-in-law post of my nephew Carson. The little boy has an adorable innocent smile.

2.      I see His hand in every video I see of my “niece” Rachel, either posted on Facebook by her mother or sent to me by her grandma. This adorable 20-month-old always makes me smile.

3.      I see His hand when I hear just the right song at just the right time. I have a Christian radio station (kLove) favorited in my car and sometimes I’ll turn the car on and a song comes on to bless me in just the way I need.

4.      I see His hand when I see the numbers 4-4-4 together on a license plate, in a phone number, or wherever. Like I’ve said before, the triple-4 reminds me of serving with Elder Call and how it reminded him of his favorite scripture Alma 44:4. Now these numbers remind me of that scripture, that great missionary I had the honor to serve with, and the scripture that gives me strength to warrior on and keep going.

5.      I see His hand in a rainy day. I remember being on bikes on my mission with Elder Call and just how excited he was when it was rainy and stormy. Especially on those summer days in Toronto when it was really warm, I enjoyed the rain too.

6.      I see His hand in the welcoming arms of my friends. I am blessed to know some of the most Christ-like people and I am learning not to question why they would want to be friends with someone as ordinary and flawed as me. Regardless, every warm hug, every loving text, and every Christ-like act of love shows me that I am not alone and that God has answered the prayers that I prayed for years as a teenager, that I would finally have friends.

7.     I see His hand in the progress I’ve made emotionally over the past year or so. I look back at the person I was a year ago or two years ago and I feel such empathy for the young man who thought he’d never be capable of being happy. I have my stormy days still, but in them I try to hold onto the memory of all the good.

8.      I see His hand in the Voices of Hope Project. Sometimes I’ll be having a difficult day and a new video will come out that day and what is said is exactly what I need (on that note remember to like their page on Facebook).

I am grateful for the knowledge I have of a loving Heavenly Father. I am grateful for His love which helps me grow. I am grateful for the many blessings He has given me. I am grateful to know that He can help me in my life in whatever I am doing. I know He loves me.

In the comments, I’d love to hear how you see His hand in your life.

Ghosts of Birthdays Past

21st Birthday (2012)

Up until a few years ago, I didn't really care about my birthday. Quite honestly, without friends to celebrate it with, your birthday is just like any other day of the year. With today as my birthday and I plan on having people over tonight, I wanted to kind of reflect on how far I've come, even just focusing on that one day per year: January 31.

2012 (age 21) -- About 3 months before, I'd returned from Calgary and I was still dealing with that. However, FINALLY I was 21. Now I was the age of a normal RM (as opposed to 19 and 20). My best friend was still in Chile, but fortunately I had other friends that I'd made the year before that I could get together with. And so it was... I got together with Michael, Mario, Ian, Eric, Scott, Joey and a few others and we went to Wingers for dinner. Definitely helped to be around people who cared about me and wanted me to be happy on my birthday.

2011 (age 20) -- I remember it being a really crazy day. Class at 10:00, work from 11:00-2:30, class at 4:00, another class from 5:00-7:00, and then FHE. So between that and having to do homework, I'd told Eric that I wasn't really planning anything for my birthday. Not willing to put up with my self-isolation, got together with Melissa and they brought over cake and ice cream. Only a minute after they came into the apartment with Emalee (who Eric was engaged to at the time) and Melissa's roommates, Justin and his roommates came running in from the apartment above mine. That night, I remember Eric saying something to me along the lines of "Don't ever forget how many people love you."

2010 (age 19) -- Braden was visiting and the day started in the threshold of my door. At midnight, Juliana and Michelle were there to wish me happy birthday from the other side of the door. Later (after sleeping for the night), we went to church and I actually missed Sunday School and Priesthood because I was waiting for my stake presidency interview for my mission. That being said... by the time we left church that day, my mission papers were submitted and I was so excited (I had no idea how long I'd be waiting). And later, we had cake with Juliana and Becca.

2009 (age 18) -- The first time since elementary school that I really had people to spend my birthday with. I went into the city to have a party with some friends from my stake, including my cousin Kyre. It was a bunch of fun... a good change compared to the year before.

17th Birthday (2008)

2008 (age 17) -- If there is anyone that can insult you really badly by forgetting your birthday, it's the school administration, who have a list of birthdays. During morning announcements when they usually announce birthdays, they didn't say anything. No birthdays. Really? Ouch! The day didn't go very well after that either. Instead of working that day, I ended up going to my mom's work and finding a place to cry and release my emotions. My brother Jared called that night to wish me happy birthday (which meant a lot to me) and my family had cake to celebrate with a family friend from our ward.

Over the years I have seen the Lord bless me with better and better people in my life. He has taught me and loved me through those He's put in my path. Four years ago, I didn't believe I could ever have good guy friends. Now I have so many. What can I say more than I've already said? I have great friends and I know that it's because of the Lord's mercy and love that they are in my life.

Shame, Faith, Fear, and Joy

Another late night blog post. This one is for Alex. Tonight, he is extremely scared that his roommate has inadvertently learned about his SSA. As such, Alex is having a hard time. He’s scared to talk to his roommate about it, but he also is scared to just wait and hope for it to blow over. In the midst of that, he has been dealing with shame surrounding his SSA these last few days, which I didn’t realize.

In texting me about his fears and his shame, Alex said to me “I don’t want to deal with this! Why What awful thing did I do before this life to merit dealing with such a terrible punishment? I just want to be normal! I just want to be happy… I haven’t been truly happy for years. What does God want from me now? Sometimes I just wish God would just let me be.” My heart broke getting these texts from Alex after I left his place. I’ve been there… I think many members of the church with SSA have been there… we struggle with “Why would God give me something so controversial?” However, there is no simple answer to that question.

I don’t know why I have this attraction to men. I don’t know why the Lord gave it to me. However, there are some things I do know. Number one: If I serve God and love Him, all things will work together for my good. Number two: I know that every trial I go through will give me experience and will benefit me in the end. In may not be soon, Alex, but as you continue to follow the Lord, you will begin to see your SSA as a blessing more and as a curse less. Number three: Our purpose here in this life, and God’s purpose for sending us here, is to make us happy and give us joy. He will NEVER give us anything that is intended to cause us misery if we give it time. Yes, things are hard and we get sad and hurt sometimes, but no, we don’t have to stay that way. Number four: Jesus Christ, our Older Brother, our Savior, and our Redeemer, felt all the sadness, pain, hurt, and shame that we go through in this life. The beautiful thing about that is that He could have learned how that hurt and shame felt through the Spirit, but He chose to experience it for Himself because He loves YOU so much. He is your friend and He will never abandon you.

I wish I could formulate my words better, but it is past 1:00 AM and all I can do right now is to bear my testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. And there is no way I know better to bear testimony of it than how I have already done, by referencing scripture. The Lord loves you and that will NEVER change. To Alex, everything will be okay. To everyone else, please keep Alex in your prayers.

It Only Takes One

Last semester I hit a period of time (I can’t remember if it was a matter of days or weeks) in September when I got frustrated with myself. While my roommates were talking about cute girls they’d met and/or were asking out, I was mentally by myself. What was wrong with me that I didn’t notice these girls? I’ve noticed girls before. Sure, they don’t usually make my head turn every time, but I’ve had crushes on girls before. Instead of meeting girls and desiring to go out with them, I was noticing guys and fighting my attractions to them. Why was it so difficult?

It was during that time that I’d gotten into the habit of going up to Lehi for Sunday dinners with Eric and his family and getting to play with his cute daughter. One Sunday as I was leaving, I got talking to Eric about stuff that was going on (seems to happen often with us, making two-minute goodbyes last about half an hour or longer). Of course it was during one of these conversations that I told Eric what had been bothering me about my lack of attraction to women.

His advice hit me as a “duh!” answer. He reminded me that it doesn’t matter if I’m attracted to every woman. In the end, I only get to marry one anyway. As obvious as it was, I don’t think I’m the only one that could benefit from this advice. I’ve talked to other guys with same-sex attraction that have been discouraged about dating and marriage because they don’t get attracted to girls. So what, guys? No one ever said you had to be. In fact, some people find it easier not to be attracted to all women (you’ll have to check out the link to see what I meant).

At the Logan temple; If I'm single, I might
as well enjoy a few more excursions like this 

I’ll say it again though. You only marry one; you don’t need to be attracted to them all. It only takes one! Another thing Eric reminded me about is that just because you get married doesn’t mean your attractions go away (to the same or opposite sex). A married straight guy is still attracted by women other than his wife. In that sense, change (in the sense of sexual orientation) isn’t all or nothing. I know several married people with SSA that were not attracted to anyone of the opposite sex until they met their spouses.

In the meantime though, be happy with where you are. If you’re single, enjoy being single (married people miss it sometimes). If you’re married, enjoy your spouse and be grateful for him/her (you have someone very precious to take care of). Enjoy life in no matter what stage you’re in! Remember the Lord in all things you do. Look forward to the blessings He has promised you as you remain worthy and remember that He will not hold back any blessings in the eternities (including marriage) that you live worthy of. And always remember that, even if today isn’t so good, because of the Atonement, you can trust and have hope that it’ll get better.