Why Do I Do This?

Why do I do this? Why do I do what I do? Why do I go to church? Why do I do my home teaching? Why do I pay my tithing? Why do I keep the Law of Chastity?

This semester I am blessed to be in a families in world religions class. This week we had a guest speaker talked about Protestantism. Now I listen to a lot of Christian radio (kLOVE is always preset on my car radio) but something he said really struck me.

I knew from growing up around evangelicals that most Christian religions outside Mormonism and Catholicism don't prioritize baptism or works. In fact I was used to hearing those black baptist stereotypes from mission stories praising God because they were saved. I've definitely been one to get lost in the faith vs. works argument and being a perfectionist a lot of that argument was between me and myself in my head.

Thankfully I'm not much of a perfectionist anymore (though I still have my moments). However, as the guest speaker was talking I had a lot of perfectionist friends in mind as he talked about grace. He presented the faith and works scenario in a way that I'd never thought of before. He pointed out that Catholicism (and I'd add many people in Mormonism) view grave and works like this: Faith + good works = salvation. I liked his take on it though: Faith = salvation + good works. He even referenced King Benjamin's people as evidence of this  (having grown up with an LDS best friend and now living in Utah he knows a bit about Mormonism).

I talked to him after the lecture and I have to agree! Why am I doing what I'm doing? Am I doing it to be saved? If so, why? The Savior has already paid the price for my sins and the scriptures say that it's through His merits that I'm saved. What do any of these "good works" matter?

They matter because I love God. How would my life be different if the reason I kept the commandments and did everything I'm "supposed to do" was because I love God?

A year ago I was in a bad place spiritually. I was wrapped up in a thick blanket of insecurity and addiction. Want to know what pulled me out? It was because I finally let God in. I stopped trying to do it and I let Him take control.

Back to the guest speaker, what's my motivation? We talk in the church about "enduring to the end". The guest speaker noted the miserable connotation surrounding that. How many times have I heard members of the church upset because they feel they HAVE to live the gospel or they HAVE to go to church. The people I know who live like this... Miserable.

How would my life be different if I wanted to do all these things? If I want to go to the temple, it's a joy, not a chore. If I want to live the commandments (because I love God enough to trust in His methods), I will find joy in my life, instead of feeling restricted or oppressed.

Living the gospel will never be a chore again if I can keep the love of God in focus. I know why I do what I do. I don't HAVE to keep the commandments, I GET to live the way my Heavenly Father knows will bring me happiness.

August 13

Written August 13, 2013

Transcribed August 24, 2013

I’m sitting on the lido deck of the Carnival Conquest cruise ship as I write this. I just got done playing mini-golf with my two sisters-in-law, my little brother, and one of my nephews, the whole time holding my baby nephew (and I did a pretty good job for mini-golfing one-handed).

According to my journal, today is one year since I first started reading Voices of Hope, after having had it recommended to me for months. Little did I know when I opened that book for the first time, I would soon be joining those men and women. One year ago today, I had the prompting that ended up changing my life on October 20.

I’ve learned a lot since then. And I wanted to share a little of that:

1.      It’s okay to love

2.      It’s okay to be loved.

3.      I need to love myself.

4.      I need guy time every once and a while.

5.      Nothing can compensate for lost sleep.

6.      Sometimes a good night’s slight can fix everything (or at least put it back in perspective).

7.      Physical touch doesn’t have to be sexual.

8.      Physical touch can easily turn sexual.

9.      A good hug can put my crises in the proper perspective.

10.  Having a best friend who tries to understand SSA is invaluable.

11.  Emotions are not good or bad; they just are.

12.  Forgiveness is always possible, for me and for others.

13.  Love is always the answer, even if it’s tough love.

14.  Priesthood leaders are not perfect.

15.  Imperfect priesthood leaders are not a good reason for me to leave the church.

16.  A talk with a kind priesthood leader can change my mood completely.

17.  God can take it when I need to express anger with Him.

18.  Someone saying something ignorant or stupid doesn’t mean they don’t love me.

19.  The only person I can control is me.

20.  Trying to control others is exhausting and pointless.

21.  God can make good use out of a bad decision.

Those are just the lessons that came to mind today. I’ve been blessed to learn these lessons, and many others, during this past year. It hasn’t been easy (in fact some parts of it have been my own personal hell) but I can see how it’s helped me grow.

"What do you need to tell me, Spencer?" (by Garrett)

Earlier that night... (in Niagara Falls, Ontario)

That’s what I said, and how he came out to me, a year ago today.

In one day I realized that social issues aren’t simply articles read or watched online; they are the stories and struggles of people you know and care about.

A year of knowing is a year of affirming Christ’s universal Atonement and universal blessings.

A year of knowing is a year of seeing how vague, general statements almost never fit with individual people, especially when those people cross two very contradictory stereotypes. What a tragedy to make a multi-dimensional person into a 2-D object.

A year of knowing is a year of being thanked and admired by strangers from Spencer's support groups. On one hand I appreciated all the thanks, but on the other, it sobered me. Their tone of voice indicated again and again that this was the first time they had seen someone simply be a straight friend.

A friend is the most powerful ordinary thing. 

In that year I made new friends, and kept old ones, and performed the balancing act that young, inexperienced, college guys perform. I worked 8 hours a day when I wasn’t in school, went on dates, read books, looked up funny cat pictures on the Internet, and had fun with my best friend who has same-sex attraction.

I attended firesides and made other friends in similar situations to Spencer's. I heard their stories and read how they lived faithfully to the covenants they made in the Church. And I learned lessons from those firesides good enough to put in my journal, such as the following:

When we let our bias do the talking, we end up “classifying” others, and in effect we put a gag on their voice before they even can speak up for themselves. We should instead let them own themselves, and let them liberate themselves from the chains of skewed thinking.

Out of all the roles we will play, a friend is one of the most crucial we can be. And now more than ever I can see why. There are too many people struggling with this, and too few "straight friends" that are stepping up. In that year I saw more than ever how we need those powerful, ordinary things--understanding, empathy, and friendship.

So here marks a year of accepting 100% of a person, 100% of a friend. Here’s to a year of being powerful, ordinary people.

Satan and the Cybermen

So I’ve recently been re-watching pretty much all of Doctor Who with Garrett as he’s still catching up (four seasons in less than a month, that’s impressive). While watching a Season 2 (Tenth Doctor) episode, I had a thought come up. So, just so you’re aware, SPOILER ALERT for season 2.

  

In the two-part episode “Rise of the Cyberman”/”The Age of Steel”, one of the Doctor’s foes from the Classic Doctor Who series is re-introduced. Simply put, Cybermen are robotic humans. Literally. They literally take a human body and put it in a suit of metal. In addition, all emotion is eradicated or inhibited because it is seen as a weakness.

While watching the Cybermen take over London, I couldn’t help but think that Cybermen and their world paradigm is EXACTLY how life would have been under Satan’s plan. That was always the hard question in Sunday school growing up; why was Satan’s plan a bad idea? Why would we reject it? No pain, no death, no sin, and no troubles. Sounds like paradise doesn’t it? Well, after watching the Cybermen… yeah, I can’t quite say that.

One of the goals of the Cybermen is to remove pain (physically, emotionally, etc.), eliminate death, and stop hardship. However, in doing that everyone becomes exactly the same. That’s how I imagine Satan’s plan. Uniform, emotionless, painless, and loveless. No differences in any regard. No variety. Nothing to stretch for. Nothing to strive for.

Something that bothers me about cultural Mormons is the idea that if someone is different in any way, they’re a sinner. This is totally bogus! Just a few weeks ago in General Conference, President Uchtdorf said this during Priesthood Session:

“But while the Atonement is meant to help us all become more like Christ, it is not meant to make us all the same. Sometimes we confuse differences in personality with sin. We can even make the mistake of thinking that because someone is different from us, it must mean they are not pleasing to God. This line of thinking leads some to believe that the Church wants to create every member from a single mold—that each one should look, feel, think, and behave like every other. This would contradict the genius of God, who created every man different from his brother, every son different from his father. Even identical twins are not identical in their personalities and spiritual identities.” (April 2013, “Four Titles”)

As much as I love BYU, sometimes the culture here can come across like this. We have to put on a face. We have to have no struggles. We have to be “perfect Mormons” because we’re at “the Lord’s university”. We have to date. We have to get married. We have to have families. Sadly, not everyone can fit that mold. Nor would I want everyone to fit that mold. We all have struggles. We all have things we’re working on, be it something as “small” as being thoughtless with our words or as “big” as a pornography addiction. We all feel pain. Pain is okay. Pain is good. Recently a friend of mine told me that he had a boyfriend. My heart broke. It seemed to be making him happy… but even he recognized there was an expiration date on that relationship, be in during life or at the end of life. Sure, it would have been easier as a Cyberman; the heart break hurt a lot. However, the pain told me how much I cared for my friend. Heart break is a sign that we have loved. If it didn’t hurt when someone we love goes off the gospel path, when a family member passes away, or when a dear friend moves far away, how much did we really care?

During another Season 2 episode of Doctor Who “School Reunion”, the Doctor’s former companion Sarah Jane Smith says this: “Pain and loss, they define us as much as happiness or love, whether it’s a world or a relationship.” I love that. Pain and loss define us as much as happiness or love. If I had not been teased, excluded, and hurt during middle school and high school, would I be able to appreciate my best friend Garrett? If I had never been hurt and teased, how could I be caring and sympathetic to those around me?

I’ve read a quote that I’ve been unable to find a source for, but I think it describes some of my feelings here: “The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do.”

The scriptures also teach this principle: “And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.” (D&C 122:7)

Satan’s plan, like the Cybermen’s plans, would have removed pain, hurt, and sin, but it would have also removed love, happiness, and joy. It gives me a new sense of understanding of Lehi’s counsel to his son, “For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, my firstborn in the wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility.” (2 Nephi 2:11)

Supermom

So with Mother’s Day having happened this Sunday, I want to shamelessly do a post about how amazing my mother is. She is amazing to me because of all the things she’s done for me and all the things that she has taught me both directly and through her example.

Let’s start off with her ability to love and sacrifice for others. I remember countless times that she would go out of her way to serve others. I remember that when I was a junior in high school she had a brother in the ward over for dinner each night while his wife was in the hospital after breaking her leg. She knew he was going through a hard enough time that he didn’t need to worry about making dinner for himself each night as well.

She is a champion at putting others first! Before she married my dad, she worked as a single mom to provide for herself and for my sister. I’m sure there were many others things she would have rather done than to be a bartender (though she quit that job shortly after joining the church). As long as I was at home, she was always there. It means a lot to me that she was there when I got home from school. She was there on the days when I came home crying because I was bullied. When I had had enough of it at school, she was there to come pick me up and bring me home, somewhere I could feel safe. Until my little brother (Tyler) was in school, she never worked outside the home. We were her top priority. And it wasn’t until Tyler was only a few years from graduating high school that she went back to college when she was fifty to earn her nursing degree. And I would say the only reason she even works outside the home is so that she can pay for trips for our family to get together, since we’re spread out (my sister lives in Colorado, my brother lives in Idaho, I’m in Utah, and the other three kids are in Alberta still), because her family is what has always mattered to her.

She is an example of AMAZING faith. I love the story of the Stripling Warriors for many reasons, but I love it because like them, I learned to have faith from my mother. She has gone through so much in her life. She went through a divorce, worked as a single mom, joined the church, moved from New York to Alberta to marry my dad, endured five C-sections to bring my brothers and I into this world, and she lived on with great faith when she lost one of her children, my baby brother Jay. I was only about 20-months-old when Jay was born/died, but I know how hard it was on my mom. It still affects her. But she lives on because she has faith that because she was married to my dad in the Washington DC Temple on July 17, 1984 that she still has Jay and the rest of us, no matter what happens. She parented me, my brothers, and my sister. She has learned with us as she has taught us. She has learned to followed the Spirit and be an instrument in the hands of the Lord.

I have seen her cry. I have seen her heart break when her children who live far away (me, my brother, and my sister) leave after a vacation or a visit. I have seen her sob when saying goodbye to me as I entered the MTC. She is full of love. She is my angel. She is my hero. I love my mom and I want to be as faithful as she is. She knows what it means to be a disciple of Jesus Christ and that’s how she lives. There is no one that she doesn’t love, because that’s just who she is.

Supreme Court Debate

Though I would have liked to remain silent during this big discussion about gay marriage (Are you surprised? I am, too) I was asked by a friend to write a post about it. So this post is just based on my opinions of gay marriage and more importantly how we respond to this discussion.

First of all, I’ll state my position. I stand with what the church says about gay marriage. In my opinion and in my belief, marriage by definition is man and woman. I have nothing against same-sex couples and in reality what we’re fighting over is a word. That being said, I do support gay rights, as does the church. Should gays be discriminated against in jobs and other opportunities? Of course not! I’m all for gay couples in civil unions getting the same tax benefits and other legal rights as married couples, actually. In the end, I guess I just care about the semantics.

Now that that’s been said, here’s the bigger issue that I see: contention. That, more than anything, has been driving me up the wall during the past few days. Yes, it’s a heated argument and a touchy subject for many on both sides. But let’s be honest, the Supreme Court isn’t going to make its decision based on how many people have a red equal sign as their profile picture or how many people have… whatever the “traditional marriage” people have as theirs.

In the end, all that’s happening is people are getting in pointless arguments and getting angry. And that drives the Spirit away. I still have a long way to go to get to the kind of Christ-like love that I want to have, but in my judgment so do so many others. This includes people inside the church. Yes, we have different opinions and viewpoints, but that doesn’t mean there has to be contention. In my Doctrine and Covenants class, we’ve been talking about Zion recently. The more I learn about it the more I realize how far we are as a people from getting there.

“And the Lord called his people Zion, because they were of one heart and one mind, and dwelt in righteousness; and there was no poor among them.” (Moses 7:18)

Before we can physically build Zion, we must first become Zion where we are. I’m not saying we have to all agree on everything. I’m saying that the arguing and the contention are not conducive for building Zion. The answer is love. You don’t have to agree with everything someone says to love them. You don’t have to have the same political viewpoints to love them. You can love them because they’re children of our Heavenly Father, our brothers and sisters. Like I said, I still have a long way to go with developing this kind of love, but it’s one of my desires. Could I be killed like Jesus was and forgive my killers? If I can’t love that much, then I fall short of the Christ-like love that I’m searching for.

PS: Check out http://ldsvoicesofhope.org. The Voice(s) of Hope Project is finally been released! I'll be doing a post or two about it later! :)

The Almost-Invisible Alien

SPOILER ALERT FOR ANY DOCTOR WHO FANS!!! I’m going to be talking about a Season 5 (Eleventh Doctor) episode today.

The episode features the Doctor and Amy, his companion, traveling back to nineteenth century France to meet Vincent van Gogh and take care of an alien he’d painted in a church. Whilst taking care of the alien, the Doctor finds van Gogh having an emotional breakdown that very much reminded me of my experiences with depression. Though there is no consensus about what van Gogh’s mental disorder was, the writers of Doctor Who portray it as a bipolar disorder. As I watched the episode, van Gogh mourning his loneliness, misery, and hopelessness, I was reminded of my own episodes of depression, feeling that I have no hope and I eventually all those close to me will leave me. Yet I can also relate to how only a little while later, van Gogh had cried it out and was a happy person again. He says that occasionally he’d be tormented by those moods, but then suddenly he’d be okay. Sometimes I feel like I can go days or weeks at a time feeling completely happy… and then an episode hits and I’m upset for a day, a few days, a week, or who knows how long. It wasn’t until the end of the episode when the Doctor takes van Gogh to the present day and he sees a museum full of his own work that he believes his life was worth something.

Depression, bipolar, and other mental disorders are a huge trial for many. One source I looked at said that about 10% of the US adult population deals with depression. Another statistic said that about 2.6% of the population deals with bipolar. Another thing I want to touch on here is suicide. Like van Gogh eventually took his life, there are many that feel mortality is too painful and so they take their own life to ease the pain. One website told me that in 2010 it was reported that there were 38,364 deaths in the United States. The same website says that 90% of people who die by suicide have a diagnosable and treatable psychiatric disorder at the time of their death. And what about the other 10%? Does that mean that that 10% without a diagnosable disorder could have been helped? Perhaps saved?

Back in the 1980s, Elder Ballard said about suicide, “Obviously, we do not know the full circumstances surrounding every suicide. Only the Lord knows all the details, and he it is who will judge our actions here on earth. When he does judge us, I feel he will take all things into consideration: our genetic and chemical makeup, our mental state, our intellectual capacity, the teachings we have received, the traditions of our fathers, our health, and so forth.”

Recently, a member of the North Star Facebook group shared an experience related to suicide (and I share this story with his permission). His son’s best friend committed suicide. This man’s son was in tears the whole night, trying to make sense of the incident. I’m tempted to put up an LGBT suicide stat, but as relevant as that is, it really isn’t. It’s not about someone’s sexuality or lifestyle. It’s about showing love to everyone around you, like Christ would.

It’s important to show love to those around us, because as the saying goes “everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle” but oftentimes we can’t see that. Like in the Doctor Who episode, the alien is invisible to all except van Gogh. He’s labeled as crazy and mad. Even when the Doctor and Amy try to help him with the alien, they’re left pretty helpless because the only person who can see it clearly is van Gogh. It is just like depression and other mental illnesses. I have felt many times like I am fighting an alien that only I can see.

There is help though. If you are struggling with depression, bipolar, or another mental illness, see a doctor or see a psychiatrist. All else fails, call this number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255. Human life is too precious to give up so easily. Keep trying. No matter how many times you fall, keep trying, because you’ll make it to eternal life if you just keep trying to keep the commandments.

Common Ground

For the past month, since I had that incident with Chris and Thomas, I’ve been in a funk with my writing. I wish I could be as bold as I used to be, but I am so scared of offending anyone now. I wanted to make my point earlier that that was never my point, but I’m still scared. I don’t want to offend anyone. That was never my intent. However, staying quiet is equally hard on me.

While speaking with John earlier today, we were discussing this ongoing “battle” between gay activists and super conservative Mormons with SSA. Both ask for respect and acceptance in their chosen lifestyles; however both sides also get defensive when someone challenges it. I’ll admit it; I don’t like feeling like my decision to stay in the church is criticized. However, I also recognize that gays who have left the church don’t want to be preached to either. Where’s the balance? Neither side is happy with this battle. In my judgment a lot of it is just how we perceive things. We choose to be offended and personally I make that choice way too often. Consciously or unconsciously, we make that choice.

Instead of really making a point with this post, I want to pose a question (so please leave your ideas in the comments, either on here or on Facebook). We need to love those who don’t have the same ideologies as us. However, I don’t want it to be enabling either. There is a balance between loving people and endorsing that lifestyle. While talking to John about it he said that he thinks that one part of it is finding common ground. So here’s the question: How do we find that common ground? What is that common ground?

Voice(s) of Hope Preview

Well, the day is getting close: the Voice(s) of Hope project will soon be online. A few weeks ago, the first video for the Voice(s) of Hope project was released, followed by two other videos, as a preview for the website. After waiting for this for months, I’m excited to see it come about. The whole way through, this has been a spiritual experience. Filming back in November was so cool; the Spirit was strong in that home as I told my story, and as I witnessed other people telling their stories as well. Less than a month later, we also got the North Star Voices podcast doing an episode on how things had gone during filming. Now, it’s almost ready (each of the screencaps below has a link to the highlight version of the respective video).

"Hope comes through a knowledge that the Savior
has felt all these things." --Blake Fisher

The first of the previews was a video of my friend Blake. I met Blake back in August and his testimony has been strength to me throughout the time I’ve known him. A major theme I could relate to was how his plans for his life didn’t work out. That one I can relate to. It would be an understatement to say that my life hasn’t turned out as I planned. I especially liked his experience in feeling that the Lord would take care of him is something I can relate to. Recently as I’ve dealt with a kind of culmination of dealing with Aspergers, anxiety, SSA, school, and financial problems, I’ve found that that’s something the Lord wants me to learn too. No matter how many experiences I have… No matter how many emotional breakdowns I have, I always have this sense that the Lord will help me and keep me safe.

"When the Spirit speaks truth to your heart, then
you know you can move forward." --Lolly Weed

The second video is of Josh and Lolly Weed, a couple of my heroes. I’ve met him twice (at the Evergreen Conference fireside this past September and at the AMCAP conference weekend in November). He and his wife actually filmed their video later the same evening that I did mine. I remember hearing them discuss with Ty about “What more can we say than we’ve said?” After having been on television and all of that, you’d think they’d have told their whole story. Not quite. This project allowed them to touch the spiritual aspect of their story, something that the world doesn’t understand about their story. One of the first things that impacted me—that EVERYONE should remember—is that there are NO lesser saints. Every child of God has the potential to become like our Heavenly Father. Every one of our brothers and sisters is capable of attaining the highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom. I agree with them that helping one person is enough to make all THIS vulnerability (what I’m doing on my blog) worth it. For more on Josh Weed, check out his blog or you can check out his story in Voices of Hope, which he wrote using the pen-name “Jason G. Lockhart”.

"Even when we feel like what we're going through is too
hard ... I know the Lord gets it." --Katharine Matis Adams

The final preview is of Katharine Matis Adams. Her parents wrote of her brother’s story in “In Quiet Desperation” and she later told the story of her late husband, Christian Adams, in “Voices of Hope”. Both her brother and her husband dealt with SSA. The love and care that she shows for her brother and for her husband and their terribly rough experiences with their SSA is powerful. It hurts me to hear her say that her brother’s bishop gave him permission to stop attending church, that it was so bad. There needs to be a place in the church for people with SSA. We are doing SO much better now than we used to, in my opinion. However, there is still much we can improve on. Later, Katharine talks about when her husband went to Journey into Manhood, which is when he really began to love himself more. After all I’ve dealt with and all of the scars that I still have from growing up with brothers who tease and classmates who make fun, making me believe I was worthless, this makes me excited to go and experience Journey into Manhood for myself. I hope to find that greater love for myself like Christian did.

I’ll admit, I could never top what Blake, Josh and Lolly, and Katharine have said in their videos. The Spirit is SO strong, as they share their stories and their testimonies. I’d invite you to watch each of their videos. No matter who you are or what you deal with in your life, I hope these videos help you feel of God’s love for you. He does love you. I hope that you feel the hope that each of these individuals expresses and find a way to apply it to yourself, no matter your situation. My experiences and my knowledge are limited, but one thing I know is that the Lord loves you.

God Loveth His Children

“God Loveth His Children” is a pamphlet produced by the church for those who experience same-sex attraction. It’s not very in depth on the issue, but it has its merits. This small blue booklet is special to me because it was the first SSA resource I ever had. When I was in Toronto, shortly after I told Elder Call about my SSA, we got copies of this pamphlet from the mission office (I was too scared to be seen by the Rattos or the Sippels (the office missionary couples) with them, so Elder Call grabbed them. We spent a companionship study or two reading it and learning from it, as it was new to both of us.

The pamphlet has five sections: “Your Identity and Your Potential”, “The Plan of Happiness”, “Self-Mastery”, “Filling Your Life with Goodness”, and “Go Forward”. The title itself come from a scripture in the Book of Mormon, where Nephi admits that he doesn’t know everything, but the one thing he does know is that God loves His children. That’s the thing here: we don’t know everything about homosexuality. We don’t know to what degree a person is “born gay” or to what degree a person develops these feelings (Side tangent: My opinion is that it’s a mixture of both nature and nurture). Causes aside, I love that this pamphlet emphasizes right from the beginning the one thing we know for certain: God loves us. God loves all of us. God loves those who live a heterosexual life. God loves those who live a celibate life. And God loves those who live a homosexual life.

I won’t outline everything in the pamphlet here (you can click this link here for that) but I think the biggest thing for those of us who do experience SSA and those who do not, we could all do better at loving as God loves. Yes, He has given us commandments. But no, he doesn’t hate us when we disobey them. Like with the woman taken in adultery, Christ didn’t condemn her. He showed her love instead.

I think that more than anything is what the church wanted to get across with their new website. “God Loveth His Children” was released in 2007. The website was released in 2012. Yet both resources carry a similar theme. It’s not teaching us the causes of homosexuality. It’s not teaching us the way to “fix” it. It’s teaching us to love, because that’s how God deals with it. He loves. Even if people don’t live the way we think they should, we need to love. I’ll admit, I’m not good at this sometimes, but this is my goal, to understand and to love better. And to help it get better in the church for those with SSA and those who deal with addiction and those who deal with any affliction. As was said in “Voice(s) of Hope”, “the community that ultimately shows the most love will be the one that wins the hearts of the men and women dealing with this issue.”

PS: Speaking of Voice(s) of Hope, check this link out. The first of the videos have been released. Look forward to me doing a post about it soon!

Singles Awareness Day

Happy Valentine’s Day! I wish I could say that today was something special for me, but not really. I had class, took a test, and had dinner with the rest of the Spanish house. Nothing out of the ordinary. That being said I’ve felt a lot of peace today and I’m not sure why. You’d think that on a day that is meant for people in a relationship that I would be kinda down (especially since that can be the norm for me some days). Maybe I’m too content being single (not likely). Or maybe it’s something else.

I mentioned to one of my friends (Benjamin) that I’m taking an LDS Marriage/Family class this semester. He told me taking a class about dating, marriage, and stuff would drive him insane. Normally, I’d think so too. Yet that’s not the case. Instead I’ve enjoyed it a lot. By no means is it a marriage prep class (though if you were to go to it with that intent, it’d work). Instead, it’s a doctrinal class about the purpose of marriage and family. You’d think that for someone who finds it hard at times to be attracted to girls, it’d be really annoying. Instead, it’s given me hope in order to find the daughter of God that I will take to the temple. More than that, I’ve learned things that will help me to know how to treat her right.

I’ve got a lot of emotional and mental baggage and I honestly feel like it’ll take someone amazing to overlook that. To overlook my autism, my SSA, my anxieties, and my goofy looking face. Someone prepared by the Lord. Someone with unfathomable amounts of charity. I look forward to finding out who that will be and I pray that I will be worthy of her. Until then, I will do my best to trust in the Father’s plan and take my search one day at a time (or one date at a time).

Looking forward to a future day with a beautiful
girl beside me at a temple like this 

"If I Have Not Charity" -- An Apology

“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.” (Moroni 7:46-47)

“And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.” (1 Corinthians 13:3)

I recently got a message from someone I care about a lot (let’s call him Chris) and he was hurt because of what I’d written on my blog. I’ve known Chris was gay for about five years now and I thought I’d done my best to love him… but I guess not. I don’t know what exactly offended him, but that doesn’t matter. The fallout of what happened after I got the message (which resulted in me getting in an argument with Thomas, because he is closer to Chris than I am).

My target audience was never meant to be people living a gay lifestyle. My purpose in writing about SSA on my blog was (1) to give hope and to strengthen those that have decided to stay with the gospel, (2) to help those that are confused know that the gay lifestyle isn’t the only option, and (3) to help other members of the church understand the challenges and issues around same-sex attraction from someone who experiences it. In the end, I only wanted to share the answers I have found that have worked for me, writing many of those answers as I learn them.

I never meant for anything I have written to come across as though I believe that all gays are evil, perverted pedophiles. I never meant for it to come across as though I believe they’re all going to hell. I never meant for it to come across as though I hate gays. I have no quarrel with those that choose the gay lifestyle. My heart breaks for them because, based on my understanding of the plan of salvation, I believe that the happiness they have now will not be able to continue forever. However, I do not hate them or wish ill on them.

As much as I’ve been trying to love and share my testimony of the Atonement, I have fallen short and it has caused me much grief over the past couple days since the incident with Chris and Thomas happened. I’m sorry for offending you. I’m sorry if I offended anyone. That was never what I meant to do. I never claimed to be an expert on any of this… I’m just sharing what I learn, as I learn it.

To Chris, Thomas, and anyone else I’ve offended, I’m sorry. It was never my intention. To any of my readers, if I ever offend you in the future or if you disagree with what I say, please send me an email (spencer3101@gmail.com) and please tell me what I’d said. With feedback I can clarify my opinion and edit the post accordingly. If not, I hope that we can at least respectfully disagree with each other. I need to be better at showing love to everyone… not just those that agree with me. As much as I testify of the Atonement and its power to make help things better, if I don’t show love, it’s not worth anything. Like what Paul, who I quoted early, if I share my testimony and put myself in a vulnerable situation to share that testimony, no matter how strong I think it is, “and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing”.

Jesus Christ -- The example of Perfect Love

Ignorance Isn't Bliss

It’s been a busy week. I’ve been a little backed up on homework the past few days (and lacking the energy to do it ahead of time like I’ve been trying to do this semester… hence why I’m backed up). So this probably won’t be a long post, but I felt I should write it.

It’s kind of frustrating when people say things without thinking or making assumptions. I made a joke out of one of these experiences before, when my elders’ quorum president said to me “Congratulations on not being gay” but on a different day, that could have been hurtful (but no worries, Ben). After reading that post, Ben said to me “Oh the things we say when we don’t know.” The day he said that to me, I had a good laugh about it. On a worse day, who knows?

Garrett and Daniel (Juliana's brother) at
Daniel's Eagle Court of Honor

With Boy Scouts of America considering the policy change lately, it’s been a rough subject for a bunch of my North Star friends. For those of you who don’t know, BSA is considering letting gay scouts in and allowing gay scout leaders. Now, I understand the apprehension towards this (who would want a gay man going on a camping trip with their son?), but that assumes that you think the gay leader would prey on your son.

One of my North Star friends recently posted on the Facebook group (he gave me permission to tell this story) about a conversation he’d had with a coworker. His coworker had commented saying that “It looks BSA isn’t going to die today”, talking about not changing the policy. This (and the ensuing conversation) upset my friend, especially since he was already in a vulnerable state. Granted, I doubt this coworker knew my friend had SSA, but the carelessness of the comment can hurt people. You never know who is going to be affected by the issue, whether it’s because of they, a friend, or a family member deals with SSA (by the way, they later talked and my friend learned that his coworker has problems with BSA anyway).

Bottom line: we all have our opinions. That’s fine (in fact, that’s encouraged) and in the proper setting we should express those opinions. However, it should never be carelessly and it should always be thought through, because we don’t know who our words could affect. Everything we say should be in a spirit of love. The old saying is that “ignorance is bliss”, but I disagree; other people’s ignorance is hardly bliss in my life (yes, it goes both ways).

True Love

Mom and Dad at 25.5 years (2010) :)

I was wondering recently if I’ve ever loved a girl before. If I haven’t, could I? Is it possible? It’ll have to be possible if I want to get married. But what does that even mean, to love her? What does “true love” (like with my parents, shown above) entail? Fortunately, as it turns out, “true love” is the topic of my readings for this coming Tuesday’s LDS Marriage and Family class, so I wanted to share some thoughts with you from what I have read for class.

George Q. Morris (who later became a member of the Quorum of the Twelve) said this: “My mother once said that if you meet a girl in whose present you feel a desire to achieve, who inspires you to do your best, and to make the most of yourself, such a young woman is worthy of your love and is awakening love in your heart.”

Okay… what does that mean exactly? It’s not enough to feel good in someone’s presence or to want to be around them to mean that you love them. True love means that you’re with someone who makes you want to be more Christ-like. Whether that be friends you love or the person you want to marry, either one is true.

In my homework, I also read a great quote by President Hinckley: “True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well-being of one’s companion.” It reminds me of the Savior’s words in the New Testament: “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”

However, like with all good things, the adversary has his counterfeits. President Kimball said “At the hour of sin, pure love is pushed out of one door while lust sneaks in the other. Affection has then been replaced with desire of the flesh and uncontrolled passion. Accepted has been the doctrine which the devil is so eager to establish, that illicit sex relations are justified.” It made me think of men that I’ve loved… probably the most confusing attractions for me has been the ones towards men that I love. I love them, but I’m not in love with them. I love them and I wouldn’t want to do anything to mess up my relationships with them.

I mentioned before that I had been asked by a gay guy I met if I would ever regret not being with a man. I gave part of my reasoning last time I mentioned it, but this is actually the stronger reasoning that came to mind… I have never been in love with a man. It’s confusing at times because I have loved men that I’ve also found attractive. How do you reconcile those feelings of love? Well, here’s how… When I’ve recognized that true love that I’ve felt for my male friends, even those I’ve also been attracted to, I want nothing more than to be held in a tight embrace… I don’t want anything sexual… I just want to be held and to feel their love. On the other hand, when I have felt the desire for more… for something sexual… I can’t say that I’ve felt that true love. I just feel lust.

When I truly love men, I see them as my brothers. Particularly, I have felt this true love when I’ve been with Alex, Calvin, John, and Thomas. I see them as my brothers (in fact I started referring to Calvin as my “big bro” and to John as my “hermanito”) and my rule in my conduct with them has become “Would I do [whatever desired action] with my biological brothers or with Garrett, who has become my brother?” If the answer is no, then it’s pretty safe to say I don’t want to do it with my friends either.

So, to be honest, I don’t know have a clue how it’ll feel to be able to have sexual desires with the woman I marry and not have it just be lust. Because of my experiences, the idea of sexual desire without lust seems very foreign to me. But maybe that’s the point? Maybe that’s what makes sexual relations between and man and his wife so sacred, precious, and special… because that’s the only place and time that true love can be expressed sexually without lust taking over. Maybe it’s because that is the love and expression of love that God approves of. Elder Widtsoe said, “True love of man for woman always includes love of God from who all good things issue.”

I look forward to the day that I can find my “true love” and be sealed to her. I don’t know if it’ll be sooner or later, but if it’s later, then I will do my best to trust in the Atonement and that promise from Heavenly Father that things will get better, because it is from Him that that true love with come anyway.

Grandma and Grandpa Ficiur at 50 years (2012) :)

(By the way, all of the general authority quotes I found in p. 154-162 in the Eternal Marriage Institute manual)