Grateful to Be Autistic

I showed my autism a lot more
when I was younger

I kind of want to switch gears today a bit, after talking about so much SSA stuff. Instead, I want to talk about something else that has affected my life a lot. It’s been a while since I really talked about it on here, but I’ve been thinking about this post for a while. Some of you who haven’t known me very long may not know this, but I have high-functioning autism (Asperger’s Syndrome). My autism affected me more when I was younger, since I’ve learned to live with it.  However, kind of like with my post about being grateful for my same-sex attraction, I wanted to do one about why I’m grateful for my autism.

To be honest, three years ago when I was waiting for my mission call and the mission department delayed it… and delayed it… and delayed it because of my autism, I was not fond of it. In fact, I hated that there was anything about me that was abnormal (at that time, I was in a period of denial about my SSA too). In the end, I waited a month and a half, whereas the other guys in my ward were waiting two weeks. To this day, when I see things like the meme below (taken from BYU Memes) I want to start ranting about how short they really have to wait (but that’s a post and a rant for another day). However, recently, as I’ve learned to be grateful for my SSA, I’ve also learned to be grateful for my autism.

Reason #1: Being autistic has helped me become and enjoy being genuine and authentic. Yes, authenticity needs its boundaries; otherwise it can drive some people away, because they’re not prepared for it. However, there are so many people who are scared of showing people who they really are. Me, it’s natural and it’s liberating.

Reason #2: For me, honesty also seems natural. In fact, I feel like I have an overdeveloped sense of guilt, in some ways. However, that can be good, because it means I’m not likely to lie. In fact, if I ever tell you I plan on doing something with you, I probably mean it (so don’t offer if you don’t mean it). If I don’t want to, I’ll attempt to talk my way out of it. So in a way, my autism has helped me to be open and honest with those around me.

Reason #3: Part of being autistic is noticing patterns. I think this has helped me in learning foreign languages. This semester, I’m living at the FLSR (Foreign Language Student Residence) at BYU, in order to improve my Spanish. I look back on my experiences with learning languages (I also took French throughout middle school and high school) and while my peers have had a hard time with conjugations and stuff, it felt straight forward: languages are patterns. My listening comprehension may take some work, but yeah, that’s okay. I suppose this isn’t always the case with autistic people, but I like to think it helps me with the many conjugations of verbs in Spanish that my classmates find difficult.

Reason #4: People with autism tend to be hyper-focused on stuff. For example, when I was younger, I was hyper-focused on Pokémon, Digimon, or whatever other personal fad I was going through. Now, it seems to be more on the same-sex attraction thing. However, I’d like to argue that it’s not as much about the SSA as it is about what the SSA has taught me about families. I’ve been learning about dealing with my SSA recently and in doing so I’ve learned a lot about myself and I’ve also become aware of how much Satan is attacking the family. This has led me to my new major, Family Studies, and has led me to want to pursue a career in Marriage and Family therapy. I think being hyper-focused on the family is far from a negative trait.

Like with my SSA, through the Atonement, I have learned to become okay with my autism. In fact, I’ve even begun to enjoy it. And that’s why I always say that it’s because of the Atonement that it gets better.

Autism Awareness is represented by multicolored puzzle
pieces to represent its complex nature. 

The Authentic Me

WOW! It’s been a month since my coming out post. It’s hard to believe that it’s been that long already… on the other hand, it’s hard to believe it’s only been a month. It’s certainly been an interesting month. I had two SSA missionary experiences (I’ll probably write about those later). I also had the opportunity to participate in the Voices of Hope project this past weekend. WOW! What an experience! I felt so jumbled and that my video isn’t coherent, but I guess that’s what post-production is for. I also had the opportunity to attend the conference that AMCAP (Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists) put on in Provo. Such an amazing experience! I brought Garrett and both of us were able to learn a lot.

I’ve been reflecting a bit in the last week or so of how things have changed in the past month. I’ve had some emotional episodes, but in general I feel that I’m happier. Why is that? What’s made the difference? Honestly, the answer I’ve found is authenticity. I think this point is really well said in Tyler Moore’s story “Being my True Self” in Ty Mansfield’s book “Voices of Hope”:

“As scary as increased honesty and openness have been, it has felt great not to have to carry the load by myself. So great, in fact, that I actually started to have feelings of really liking myself, something previously totally foreign to me. Initially, I associated those feelings of self-acceptance with finally accepting that I was gay, but I’ve realized over time this was naïve. I now know that the reason I started liking myself is because I was being honest and appropriately authentic, and I felt support and love from others in that authenticity.”

I can really relate to that. I’ll be honest; October 20 (when I did my “coming out”) was the scariest day of my life. Did I expect negative responses? No, not necessarily, but putting yourself out there that much gives you what some of my friends would call a “vulnerability hangover” (basically, being so emotionally drained from divulging deep personal information, making you feel vulnerable). However, as I’ve seen and heard the responses to that post, I have felt loved and respected. Like Tyler Moore said, I feel that I’ve been able to like myself more by being able to be honest about myself and not hold back details about myself. And because I like myself more (though I still struggle with that at times) I’m happier.

I’m not saying that you should be public about all of your deep dark secrets, like I’ve been with my same-sex attraction, but I invite you to think about how you can be more authentic with the people around you. Reach out when you need help, be honest with your friends and family, BE YOURSELF. Rejoice in the good that you have and work on the stuff you don’t like. And above all else, remember that through the Atonement it gets better.

I say this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

(me and Garrett as Mario and Luigi for Halloween this year)