Journey into Manhood

Hugs. Tears. Goodbyes. After two days of intense emotional work and mental processes, I got in the car with the two men I was driving with and, for the first time in two days, I checked my phone for the time. Literally the first time. For the 48 hours previous, we’d had no phones, no watches, nothing electronic (other than perhaps a flashlight). 48 hours of seclusion from the outside world. 48 hours of work. 48 hours of betterment. 48 hours called Journey into Manhood.

I arrived at a camp in the mountains in the Salt Lake City area along with the two other men in my car. The three of us, along with about 30 other “journeyers”, had hit a point in our lives where we felt stuck, complacent, unproductive, etc. As it is advertised as a healing weekend for men who want to deal with unwanted same-sex attraction, most men who attend Journey into Manhood (JiM) have SSA. However, I’ve known men who are completely straight to go as well. It’s because very little of the exercises and processes during the weekend pertain directly to same-sex attraction.

Every person has scars. Every person has wounds. And in my opinion, every person in the world could use therapy to some degree to resolve those wounds (if you disagree and don’t think you have wounds, I’m happy for you, but in my experience most (if not all) people have some weight that they’re carrying).

Because of the confidentiality agreement that I signed when I went to JiM, I can’t divulge any of the specific processes we did, but I do want to share what the weekend did for me:

My "Golden Boy" (first day of first grade)

For months now, I have been aware of my previously unconscious belief that I was unlovable. This belief grew out of years of being teased, excluded, and abandoned by peers. Eventually I became conditioned to believe that each friend, each classmate, each acquaintance would abandon me and/or toss me aside as I’d experienced in the past. At JiM, I had a chance to look very deeply at the shadowy parts of myself and could very easily reaffirm those negative beliefs about myself. However, that was also contrasted with exercises that helped me see my strengths, my good qualities, the golden parts of me that make me a person that people like. More importantly than that, they showed me why I should like myself. For so many of us, it was the first time in years that we had seen a glimpse of the little golden boys we’d been before we began to be scarred, wounded, and disillusioned to the world. I used to be confident, I used to be adventurous, I used to be outgoing, and I used to love myself. Having seen a glimpse of that boy who used to be all those things, I was reminded that he’s still there… and I can be him again: confident, brave, loving, etc.

When I first joined North Star in May 2012 (wow, it’s been over a year!) and started attending my Evergreen group the next month, the thing that blew me away and helped me the most was realizing that I wasn’t alone. That feeling has come and gone over the past year, some days feeling lonelier than others, but being at JiM with 31 other men who were willing to work through issues that were holding them back in life (wounds from abuse, bullying, dysfunctional family life, etc.), I felt connected, blessed, and accepted. And this joyful feeling was common among the men there. Some of them, it was the first time in their lives that they had ever felt like that.

By the end of the weekend, I felt energized. I got in the car at 5:50pm and “officially” re-entered reality, I was on a high. The best thing I can compare it to would be when I went to EFY as a youth… but even more so. I was able to connect to my God that weekend… and I think a lot of it had to do with coming to believe to a greater extent that I was worth His time. Those 48 hours were not the end to my problems. I have a lot more emotional work and processing to do before they’ll be done (and they’ll never be done in this life, I expect).  However, I feel that JiM has given me the tools to do that work and the brothers I need to help me with my work.

Now, here’s my plug for JiM (and this goes to men who deal with SSA and those who do not): If you have scars and issues from your past that hold you back from being the whole man that you want to be, I recommend looking into it. I’m not going to be the guy who insists that every man on North Star should go to JiM or that every man needs to… but if you are considering it, I say go! You won’t regret it! It changed how I look at myself and at others and it’s in that way that life gets better, by changing me, even if “change” never means becoming straight.

CTM Reunion Fears

The day before conference I had the amazing opportunity to go up to Bountiful for my second annual mission reunion. I’m always excited to see companions (all two of them), missionaries I served around, my mission president, and his wife. However, both years I’ve also had fear. Not fear of how I’d be seen, since hardly anyone there knew me. In fact… that’s the fear I had, not being known. Being lonely. A fear that carries over into other parts of my life as well.

Fortunately, that fear was not realized at the reunion.

First, before I tell you about that fear, let me tell you about our celebrity guest: Elder M. Russell Ballard. Yup. We had an apostle at our reunion. Why? Well one reason is that he loves Toronto missionaries. And the other reason is that his daughter was our mission mom (mission president’s wife). Just a few of my notes from what Elder Ballard said to us, which would apply to any of us, no matter where or if you served: (1) We have to stand up for what’s right, even if it’s not culturally acceptable. (2) Who are you? And do you really know that? (3) John 15:13… He has called you His friend—D&C 93:45. (4) The Lord has chosen you and who are YOU to doubt Him? (5) If He were here tonight, He would call you His friend. (6) The apostles pray for you each week. (7) Nothing is as important as your testimony of the Savior.

Now for some notes from what my mission mom said… I don’t remember if she actually said this or if I just had this impression, but this is what I wrote down: “Your work was not wasted. You were not a waste in the Toronto Mission.” She was speaking of when she’d been able to speak to a group of Toronto missionaries at her father’s mission reunion and was able to tell them of how the church as grown since they were there, decades ago. However, I was also reminded of the few lives that I was able to touch while I was there.

Now words from my hero… President Brower: Continue to study Preach My Gospel. Be a Latter-day Saint; don’t just do Latter-day Saint things. Continually repent; so what if you slip up? Get up, remember where you’re going, and move on. EVERY righteous thing you do is an opportunity to be sanctified. Stay converted and PROVE it!

Instead of feeling fear and loneliness, I was fed spiritually by a member of the Quorum of the Twelve and my mission president and his wife. Besides, that it was just amazing to be there with a house full of missionaries that love Ontario just like I do. I was able to see Elder Call, my beloved trainer and the first person I could confide ANYTHING in—and he was my brother. And that was only the beginning. I was able to see so many signs of my Father’s love, just like my stars, giving me hope and peace.

A tender moment came to me when I was able to talk to Elder Olmstead, the missionary who took my place after I left Heart Lake, about the investigators that I had left with him. It was the first time I’d spoken to Elder Olmstead, other than a brief phone call just before I got to the airport on September 15, 2010. I thanked him for getting Tek and Fuman ready for baptism. I thanked him for helping Dale get the rest of the way into the fold of God. This missionary who I barely knew took care of the people I love dearly when I was broken and forced to return home.

I was also blessed to talk to one of my old zone leaders, Elder McKee. A couple weeks before, I’d briefly seen him on campus during my intense episode of depression. I was with David at the time and not in the emotional state to chat, so I very briefly waved and walked on by. He remembered that day though at the reunion. The kind spirit that he is, he made sure that I was doing okay, because he’d seen the despair on my face.

In addition to Elder Olmstead, I was also privileged to meet Elder Rumsey, the missionary that Elder Call had trained after me and Elder Olmstead. These two men would be my “brothers” in mission slang (“father” and “son” would be “trainer” and “greenie”). Somehow just the common bond I felt with them, having both served and strived with Elder Call just like I had tried my best to do. This “family reunion” hit somewhere special in my heart.

Somehow I ended up meeting a missionary there who had come home early, like me. He’d had similar fears of feeling alone and lonely. The commonality I felt with that missionary and his desire to do what is right, despite how hard it is coming home early (and it could have been SO easy to have left the church after I came home), was inspiring. Similar to my experiences with SSA, my experiences with other missionaries who have come home early has been a way of being able to find support. They understand the pain I feel when people say “Oh, you did what the Lord required” or “You’re still an RM”. They understand the pains I feel when I wonder if it would have been better for me not to go in the first place. This support system is invaluable to me.

Finally my brief one-on-one talk with President Brower… the things he said to me are too sacred to share, but I know I am so blessed to have had a mission president who cares about me, even now, over 2.5 years later. I love him and I am grateful for all he continues to do for me.

To close, I just want to close with 1 John 4:18: Perfect love (like my mission president and those missionaries showed to me) casteth out fear. And the ultimate source of that love is the Savior, Jesus Christ.

Amen.

North Star International

Ok. So I’ve been meaning to do this post for a while: one about North Star. I’ve mentioned North Star in some previous posts, but I’ve never really gotten into explaining it much. So, here it goes. North Star is an internet community for individuals with same-sex attraction (and those who support them) who want to keep their lives in harmony with the Church.

The name comes from a talk that President Hinckley gave in April 1989, called “Let Love Be the Lodestar of Your Life”. He said, “We came to know of the constancy of that star. As the earth turned, the others appeared to move through the night. But the North Star held its position in line with the axis of the earth… Love is like the Polar Star. In a changing world, it is a constant. It is of the very essence of the gospel.” And God loved us enough to send Christ to atone for our sins.

North Star’s mission is to help create a community for people with SSA and for their families, to create a support system. When I found North Star back in May 2012, I didn’t know what kind of impact it would have on my life. But in some of the rough times that have happened since then, North Star has been my support. On my worst days, I can post on the private Facebook group what my concerns and worries are, and within minutes I can have a response of support, advice, or something funny to cheer me up.

In addition to the Facebook group, North Star has email groups, divided into different demographics: youth, men, women, transgender, spouses, friends/family, local leaders, prospective missionaries, young adults, single men/women, married men/women, and (this one surprised me) individuals in same-sex relationships. North Star also has a blog kept by several members, called the Northern Lights blog, and they have started a podcast, which I previously wrote about.

Other than a couple of events per year (the Fall Chili Cook-Off and the Christmas Musical Fireside), North Star rarely does physical events and their entire community exists online (though I heard there is going to be a fireside this April, but more details on that later). As a result, some people I know who very much prefer physical human interaction, as opposed to electronically through North Star. However, that’s not always possible, which is why it’s nice for those who cannot physically meet with other faithful latter-day saints with SSA to be able to connect with them over the internet.

As I look back at this post, it seems kind of dry and almost like an advertisement… so let me share this to finish… I have had some rough times in the past year and the support I have felt from the North Star community is invaluable. I have felt like I’m in Zion when I’m around those men and women. I have learned from their words and I have come closer to the Savior. I have found dear friends and found deep support from people, some of whom I’ve never met. At the times when I have needed it most, they have been there to remind me that because of the Atonement, life will get better.

From Zero to Four

Let me tell you about “Alex”. He found my blog because we have a mutual friend who served in his mission. This mutual friend shared my original SSA blog post on Facebook and, from what Alex told me, it was then that he knew he couldn’t keep hiding from this for the rest of his life. And ever since my post about living authentically, Alex has been a consistent commenter on my blog (his name just shows up as “Unknown User”).

In order to reach out as an “SSA Missionary”, I gave him my email address in case he needed anything. Since then, we’ve had some great communications over email, comments, and Facebook (though that was anonymous too). During our conversations, I learned that Alex had never told anyone about his SSA. Not his parents. Not his mission president. Not his best friend. Not his bishop. No one. In a way, I felt sad, because I know how much support I’ve gained since I told Elder Call about my SSA and subsequently told my parents. The fact that he had no one made me kind of sad. However, I was grateful that I was able to be that support for him, even if I didn’t even know his real name (he let me refer to him as James).

However, something miraculous happened a couple weeks ago. While driving down to Provo for school with a friend, he felt the prompting and the confirmation that he could tell the friend he was with about his SSA. He did and was amazed at how strong of support he felt. The next day, he sent me a message saying “Spencer, I told someone!” and later that day I arranged to meet up with him in person finally. Since then, Alex told a close friend of his from his home ward and he told the mutual friend who he found my blog through.

That support system may only have four people in it right now, physically, but “Alex”, remember that you have the support of all of us here. You have the support of the leaders of the church. And you have the support of your Heavenly Father. He too knows about your SSA and He is proud of how you’re handling it. He knows that this learning curve you’ve been through (and that you’re still experiencing) can be draining at times, but it’s ok to feel drained at times, because He will help you.

Now to the rest of you reading this: Alex is taking a big step in this next week. His parents are going to be visiting him and he’s planning on telling them about his SSA. He is scared out of his mind, but he feels it’s what he should do. Please pray for him and feel free to leave your support for him here on the comments!

I’m grateful for the opportunity I’ve had to help Alex and to talk with him about SSA. In some ways, he’s still in shock after telling four people (but then again, in some ways I’m still in shock that I’m blogging about it using my real name). Not every day is perfect, but I try to remember and remind myself just as much as I tell Alex that if I rely on the Atonement, it gets better.

PS: Here is a link to Alex’s blog, where he anonymously talks about his SSA.

PPS: Here’s his post about telling someone for the first time.