The Time the Primary Program Made Me Cry

Ever since we got married, Caren and i have been primary teachers. Often it’s anxiety provoking for me, as 5-7 year olds are often the definition of chaos. The last couple weeks have been eye opening for me though, as we’ve prepared for the primary program.

I haven’t been in a primary program since 2002 and I haven’t even seen a primary program since 2008. In the past 10 years since, lots has happened and lots of pain has been felt. At times this has complicated my testimony, as it’s been mixed with culture and doubt, and I’ve had to learn my way around it. The gospel is simple though. Simple enough for 3 and 4 year olds to bear testimony of it.

A couple songs in particular struck me...

If the Savior stood beside me,
would I do the things I do?
Would I think of His commandments,
and try harder to be true?
Would I follow His example?
Would I live more righteously
if I could see the Savior standing nigh,
watching over me?

If the Savior stood beside me,
would I say the things I say?
Would my words be true and kind
if He was never far away?
Would I try to share the gospel?
Would I speak more rev’rently
if I could see the Savior standing nigh,
watching over me?

He is always near me,
though I do not see Him there,
And because He loves me dearly,
I am in His watchful care.
So I’ll be the kind of person
that I know I’d like to be
if I could see the Savior standing nigh,
watching over me.

(“If the Savior Stood Beside Me”)

The last verse particularly struck me. As I’ve gone through “adult trials” and questions of faith, I’ve wondered if God knew me or, if He did, does He care about me? This verse reminds me that He knows me, He loves me, and (as I was reminded in a poignant priesthood blessing 9 years ago) He’s watching over me.

I’m trying to be like Jesus;
I’m following in his ways.
I’m trying to love as he did, in all that I do and say.
At times I am tempted to make a wrong choice,
But I try to listen as the still small voice whispers,
“Love one another as Jesus loves you.
Try to show kindness in all that you do.
Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought,
For these are the things Jesus taught.”

I’m trying to love my neighbor;
I’m learning to serve my friends.
I watch for the day of gladness when Jesus will come again.
I try to remember the lessons he taught.
Then the Holy Spirit enters into my thoughts, saying:
“Love one another as Jesus loves you.
Try to show kindness in all that you do.
Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought,
For these are the things Jesus taught.”

(“I’m Trying to be Like Jesus”)

The chorus strikes me here. In many ways, this is as complicated the gospel really is. “Love one another” and “show kindness”. After all, didn’t the Savior say the two great commandments were to love God and our neighbors? Whether it’s missionary work or political views, doesn’t everything essentially come down to loving as Jesus loves? He loved sinners, as He corrected them. He loved his friend, as He mourned with them. He loved His killers, as He was murdered.

So I want to add my testimony to the primary kids. I know He's my Father and I know He loves me.

More Than You Think

"You can do more than you think."

About seven years ago I was at a turning point in my life. I had been home from my mission for several months and I had no indication I'd be returning any time soon. Depending on the day, my self-confidence was shaky, to put it lightly.

My roommate decided to go for a run and on a whim I joined him. Running up 9th East in Provo was a bit difficult. Nevermind that I hadn't run in months, but I don't know if I had ever run so uphill. So somewhere around Wymount Terrace I was feeling out of breath.

I slowed my run to a walk and struggled to go any faster. Tired. Cramping. I felt done for the day.

My roommate turned around and shouted encouragement to keep going. I remember only once sentence of it. "You can do more than you think."

I've worked hard enough and met enough people now that I know better than to think I'm alone; I'm not the only one with low self-esteem or disabling beliefs: "I don't matter", "I'm not enough", "I'm no one". Everyone has limitations. Everyone has beliefs that hold them back. Dismissing them is easier said than done though.

In my experience it takes someone more powerful than me to get rid of those debilitating beliefs. This brings to mind a song by one of my favorite Christian artists (I have several, so the favorite favorite changes based on the day):

I'm more than you dreamed

More than you understand

Your days and your times

Were destined for our dance

I catch all your tears

Burn your name on my heart

Be still and trust my plan

I'm more than you think I am

Don't downplay the Grace of Jesus Christ. As Elder Hafen said, "The Savior's atonement is thus portrayed as the healing power not only for sin, but also for carelessness, inadequacy, and all mortal bitterness. The Atonement is not just for sinners."