Mercies in Disguise (Three Years Later)

Another reflection post? Yeah. What's the occasion today? Well, three years ago today, I was dropped off at the airport by President Brower, had my last conversation with Elder Call as a missionary, and flew home to be picked up by my parents in Alberta.

I remember being worried about going home, going back to Provo, calling a couple of my friends (with no warning that I was coming home), and being back at BYU as a 19-year-old RM. I remember fear. I remember relief. I remember sadness (though no tears came, but I wish they had). I remember vividly that day... The hardest day of my life.

It's been a long road coming to terms with what happened that day. For 11 months, I strived to get back into the mission field and for three months I got my wish in Calgary. In coming back from Calgary, I felt unfulfilled because of some negative experiences that happened there. However as I've grown, as time has passed, and as I have worked through my scars, I have seen how I have been changed and how each experience had taught me something and been for my good.

Many of my followers on this blog did not even know me when this blog started, nor do they likely even know why it started. Unlike many SSA/Gay Mormon blogs out there, this blog did not begin because of SSA. This blog began because of my mission, or rather because I didn't know if I'd be able to serve. After I came home from Toronto, this blog was about trying to go back. I guess because of that it makes sense as to why my blog stayed mostly dormant until last October when my readership exploded (currently my “coming out” post has over 1700 hits since October).

However, the purpose of this blog is still the same. The theme is still the same: "For a Wise Purpose". I thought I knew in January 2010 what that scripture meant. I thought I understood what it meant for all of my experiences to be for a purpose. Maybe I still don't understand. However, I understand a lot better than I did when I started this blog, when I left for Toronto, when I came home, and every experience that has happened since.

I recall a song (it was actually sung as a duet at the June North Star fireside by Ty Mansfield and Katharine Matis Adams) by Christian singer Laura Story that has helped teach me some if these principles recently. The song is called Blessings and I'd like to share part of it. "What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy? ... What if trials if this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights, are your mercies in disguise?" I don't want to go into the song too much, because I talk about it a lot in my Voices of Hope essay, but this song hit home. My greatest desire was to serve Him, but that was not in His plan for me. As a result, coming home became my greatest disappointment. However I have come to understand that my Father knew me better and knew what I needed. And I didn't need the mission field. My place was back here at BYU, my home.

Again, it has taken work, time, and tears for me to get to where I am that the loss of my mission doesn't feel so much like a loss. I feel more aligned to the will of the Lord, being a light and example where I am, instead if where I wish I could have been. Sometimes it's painful to know that of I knew what I knew now, I don't think I would have had to come home... And yet at the same time, would I have learned and grown the way I have had I not come home? No, I wouldn't have. I am the man I am now because the Lord knew me well enough and loves me enough that He hurt me and brought me home.

I know that it is through the Atonement of my Savior that I have been able to grow and I have been better than I once was.

Celebrity Guest Post #4

*I know many of my non-christian friends might be very confused by how Christians view homosexuality. I wrote this post to a primarily mormon audience and did not defend or address the "why" of our opposition to homosexual marriage or intimacy. If you have any questions, facebook me or email me at ianbaen@gmail.com.*

A few months ago, I told my father that every Friday night I attended a support group for Latter-day saints who experience same gender attraction (SGA). Now, I do attend the group, but I don't experience SGA. I just wanted to see what he would say (and in case your curious, he did handle it very well).

I met Spencer on the last night of our missionary service in Ontario, and have kept in touch since. In August, Spencer told me about his SGA  and, in September, he asked if I would become an advisor to the group I referred to above. These meetings quickly became the most educational and enlightening part of my week.

The group is not affiliated with the church, but the group is founded upon church teachings. It is a place for LDS with SGA who want to live church standards to come and support one another. The role of an advisor is to make sure that the content of the meeting is inline with church doctrine and that inappropriate relationships do not form within group membership. Meetings start with a hymn, prayer, and a lesson. The final hour to hour and a half is reserved for sharing time. Sharing time is time allotted for members of the group to share whatever they want to share. I have heard experiences about everything from pornography addiction, familial abuse, suicide, depression, and intense feelings of lack of self-worth to stories of healing, self-acceptance, deep familial love, and incredible spiritual experiences.

I will share only three of the lessons and stories that highlighted my experience at the group. I choose to share only a small portion of what I could because I can't imagine anyone has a great attention span for the quality of writing a computer science major produces. Oh, and also I told Spencer that I would have this done in February.

No Greater Struggle.
I'm not sure I personally know of a greater struggle than to be a lifelong active mormon and be gay. A short story told by a member of the group illustrated that to me. Gavin (obviously not his real name) told us of the moment when he felt his mother came to understand some of his struggle. One day, he and his mother were in the kitchen talking. His mother mentioned that she never understood how people could call living the gospel a "sacrifice", because every time that a person does something good they are blessed. Gavin then broke into tears and said, "Mom, because of my belief in this gospel, I am going to have to be alone for the rest of my life." I wish I could adequately communicate that moment.

I am not going to try to expand further why this is such an immense trial, but instead challenge you to take a second and ask yourself, "What would that life be like?"

To The Core.
Many of difficulties discussed in the group are far from unique to gay Latter-day Saints. Many in the group fight an extreme lack of self-confidence and lack of self-worth. Your immediate thought to that statement was probably, "That is because their entire lives they have been told that homosexuality is weird, strange, or wrong. They, therefore, deep down think that they are weird, strange, or wrong." I think there is a lot more to it than that; I unfortunately just don't know what.

I wish I could give everyone in that group (and everyone else for that matter) a deep sense of their value. I love the members of that group so much. I wish they could see their own strength, humility, and how amazing they are. They motivate me to be better and to really find happiness in life (the church pounds into our heads that marriage is the source of ultimate mortal happiness, as I think it is. But having to contemplate with them a life without marriage, I have asked myself regularly "Who would I have to be to find deep long-term happiness without marriage?" When I consider that question with a sense of reality, I don't know if I have a good answer). The group has taught me that I can't be really happy until I love myself.

God 
If anyone ever tells you that God doesn't love homosexuals, politely tell them they are absolutely wrong (I had a harsher rebuke, involving words such as "inbred", but my proof reader/dad recommended I not be so mean).

I have only guesses to why such powerful homosexual feelings exist, and yet acting on them is considered sinful. I do not know why God picked certain spirits for certain bodies and trials.

But this I do know, God loves them so much. I have heard their spiritual experiences and have profoundly felt the spirit as they have shared their struggles. In their struggles, God has far from abandoned them.

Knowest thou the condescension of God?
I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.

CTM Reunion Fears

The day before conference I had the amazing opportunity to go up to Bountiful for my second annual mission reunion. I’m always excited to see companions (all two of them), missionaries I served around, my mission president, and his wife. However, both years I’ve also had fear. Not fear of how I’d be seen, since hardly anyone there knew me. In fact… that’s the fear I had, not being known. Being lonely. A fear that carries over into other parts of my life as well.

Fortunately, that fear was not realized at the reunion.

First, before I tell you about that fear, let me tell you about our celebrity guest: Elder M. Russell Ballard. Yup. We had an apostle at our reunion. Why? Well one reason is that he loves Toronto missionaries. And the other reason is that his daughter was our mission mom (mission president’s wife). Just a few of my notes from what Elder Ballard said to us, which would apply to any of us, no matter where or if you served: (1) We have to stand up for what’s right, even if it’s not culturally acceptable. (2) Who are you? And do you really know that? (3) John 15:13… He has called you His friend—D&C 93:45. (4) The Lord has chosen you and who are YOU to doubt Him? (5) If He were here tonight, He would call you His friend. (6) The apostles pray for you each week. (7) Nothing is as important as your testimony of the Savior.

Now for some notes from what my mission mom said… I don’t remember if she actually said this or if I just had this impression, but this is what I wrote down: “Your work was not wasted. You were not a waste in the Toronto Mission.” She was speaking of when she’d been able to speak to a group of Toronto missionaries at her father’s mission reunion and was able to tell them of how the church as grown since they were there, decades ago. However, I was also reminded of the few lives that I was able to touch while I was there.

Now words from my hero… President Brower: Continue to study Preach My Gospel. Be a Latter-day Saint; don’t just do Latter-day Saint things. Continually repent; so what if you slip up? Get up, remember where you’re going, and move on. EVERY righteous thing you do is an opportunity to be sanctified. Stay converted and PROVE it!

Instead of feeling fear and loneliness, I was fed spiritually by a member of the Quorum of the Twelve and my mission president and his wife. Besides, that it was just amazing to be there with a house full of missionaries that love Ontario just like I do. I was able to see Elder Call, my beloved trainer and the first person I could confide ANYTHING in—and he was my brother. And that was only the beginning. I was able to see so many signs of my Father’s love, just like my stars, giving me hope and peace.

A tender moment came to me when I was able to talk to Elder Olmstead, the missionary who took my place after I left Heart Lake, about the investigators that I had left with him. It was the first time I’d spoken to Elder Olmstead, other than a brief phone call just before I got to the airport on September 15, 2010. I thanked him for getting Tek and Fuman ready for baptism. I thanked him for helping Dale get the rest of the way into the fold of God. This missionary who I barely knew took care of the people I love dearly when I was broken and forced to return home.

I was also blessed to talk to one of my old zone leaders, Elder McKee. A couple weeks before, I’d briefly seen him on campus during my intense episode of depression. I was with David at the time and not in the emotional state to chat, so I very briefly waved and walked on by. He remembered that day though at the reunion. The kind spirit that he is, he made sure that I was doing okay, because he’d seen the despair on my face.

In addition to Elder Olmstead, I was also privileged to meet Elder Rumsey, the missionary that Elder Call had trained after me and Elder Olmstead. These two men would be my “brothers” in mission slang (“father” and “son” would be “trainer” and “greenie”). Somehow just the common bond I felt with them, having both served and strived with Elder Call just like I had tried my best to do. This “family reunion” hit somewhere special in my heart.

Somehow I ended up meeting a missionary there who had come home early, like me. He’d had similar fears of feeling alone and lonely. The commonality I felt with that missionary and his desire to do what is right, despite how hard it is coming home early (and it could have been SO easy to have left the church after I came home), was inspiring. Similar to my experiences with SSA, my experiences with other missionaries who have come home early has been a way of being able to find support. They understand the pain I feel when people say “Oh, you did what the Lord required” or “You’re still an RM”. They understand the pains I feel when I wonder if it would have been better for me not to go in the first place. This support system is invaluable to me.

Finally my brief one-on-one talk with President Brower… the things he said to me are too sacred to share, but I know I am so blessed to have had a mission president who cares about me, even now, over 2.5 years later. I love him and I am grateful for all he continues to do for me.

To close, I just want to close with 1 John 4:18: Perfect love (like my mission president and those missionaries showed to me) casteth out fear. And the ultimate source of that love is the Savior, Jesus Christ.

Amen.

Three Years Ago

Idaho Falls Temple - February 2013

About three years ago, I went through the Idaho Falls temple for my endowment, in preparation for my mission. About a week ago, I had the opportunity to do an endowment session there for the first time since. It was kind of an interesting experience for me to realize that and look back on the past three years.

Three years ago, February 2010, I was waiting for my mission call. Because of my autism, my call got delayed… and delayed… and delayed. Garrett will attest to the fact that I didn’t handle that waiting period very well. Looking back, I recognize that that was my first real recollection of experiencing depression. After receiving my mission call, I assumed that was the end of it. I had my call and all would be well. Fast-forward about six months to September 2010 and I was home from my mission.

Getting off the plane - September 2010

 Being a 19-year-old RM was one of the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with. Harder than waiting for my mission call. Harder than dealing with the stress I put on myself after telling Elder Call about my SSA (speaking of which… I need to do a post on that). Finally, the next summer, after much stress and anxiety, which I attributed to having to wait again, I was permitted to go on a trial mission.

Coming home from Calgary three months after I started was one of the hardest things I’ve done… it was harder than the first time, I’d say. In my opinion, the lack of confidence and self-esteem I felt was manifest in my schoolwork. Some of the simplest assignments seemed to test my abilities and try my patience. In my mind, it was a miracle that I managed a B average that semester. In that time, I started medication to help with my depression and anxiety, but even so it wasn’t until part way through the summer that I seemed to find something that worked. And honestly I think part of what worked was being able to go back to Toronto, visit the people I’d served there, and find closure, knowing I had made a difference in three months there.

With Fuman, one of my converts - July 2012

Even after feeling that closure, I think I still felt down about my position of being an “early RM”. Until something unexpected happened… literally a day after I posted about what it means to be an RM… that was when I was reading in Voice(s) of Hope for the first time. It was then, in the first few lines, that I felt the prompting to start all of this. Two months later, after much prayer and seeking revelation, I did start writing about my SSA. In the time since, I have been blessed to have had miracle SSA Missionary experiences with Steve, Alex, and several others. Just yesterday in fact a girl from one of my old wards (let’s call her Libby) told me about her SSA.

Still, at the same time I’m working to find balance, understanding, and healing for myself. I try to do my best to look forward toward better things, but at the same time I still carry scars of my past. During all of that, I am struggling to find the right balance between expressing love and being firm in my beliefs. All the time, I still have episodes of shame and hurt around all of what has happened in the past three years.

I guess here’s the bottom line (and it’s something I’m still trying to internalize, even as I share it): Jesus Christ the Savior is why any of this matters. He helped me find closure with what happened in Toronto and He helped me find a new way to do missionary work. As I always say, it is through Him and His Atonement that it gets better.

Idaho Falls Temple - April 2010

My Paradigm Shift

My post today was going to be something humorous to kinda contrast how serious I’ve been lately, but right now I just don’t feel humorous. No, I’m not feeling down. I’m actually feeling really good. Very peaceful. I was just privileged to listen to a beautiful draft of the North Star Voices podcast about the Voices of Hope Project, which I contributed to. As such, I don’t feel that a humorous post would be appropriate with how I feel right now. (As a side-note, I’ve heard that the Voices of Hope website will be launch around Christmas day with the first ten videos, which were filmed back in August; I’ll do a post about that when it goes up).

Maybe just a bit of reflection then. Like I said, I listened to the podcast today and, in addition to that, a few days ago I dug back into my mission email and found the email I’d sent to my parents on August 23, 2010, telling them for the first time about my same-sex attraction. I’d like to share an excerpt from that email:

“Friday night, I was talking to Elder Call and the Spirit was guiding our conversation and it came out that I was gay. To my surprise, Elder Call told me that he already knew. He said he'd known for a while, because of promptings of the Spirit and small things I'd done/said. He'd been struggling for a while trying to figure out how to talk to me about it. We were up until 3 AM talking, but we established that I am going to overcome this and Elder Call is more than willing to help me overcome it in any way that he can.”

Back then, “overcoming” my same-sex attraction to me meant having the feelings go away completely and to never be attracted to another man again. These perfectionistic feelings were a driving force in the anxiety that ended up having me put on medical leave from my mission three weeks later. Just after I got home from Toronto, someone I knew with SSA who I wasn’t close with (let’s call him Thomas) was talking to me about his struggles and as I talked about wanting to “overcome” my SSA, he refuted the idea, saying that he didn’t want it gone. It was part of what made him the compassionate, loving person that he was proud to be. I didn’t understand how he could want to deal with same-sex attraction. Wouldn’t ANYONE want it gone so that their lives would be easier?

Over the past couple months, however, I’ve felt a paradigm shift. As I mentioned in my last post (“Grateful to be ‘Gay’”), I’m grateful to be attracted to men! Two years ago, when I had that conversation with Thomas, I would have NEVER thought that was possible. EVER! Now, I would consider myself to be a lot closer to where Thomas was two years ago. I can see what he meant and if I could decide right now to never be attracted to men again… I don’t know if I’d take it. Honestly, I don’t mind being attracted to men. Sometimes it’s kind of fun (but we’ll discuss that when I do my humorous blog post). Would it be nice to have the temptations gone? HECK YES! But that’s mortality! We all get tempted! Even the Savior was tempted! Even if I was no longer attracted to men, a different temptation would inevitably take its place!

In fact, I’m grateful to have SSA because it’s repaired my relationship with Thomas. I’ve known Thomas my whole life, but we were NEVER close. But in my journey to learn about my SSA and learn to deal with it in a healthy manner, my conversations with him have brought a brotherly love into our friendship that I will forever cherish.

To finish off, I want to share another part of the email I sent to my parents in August 2010. This part, I can tell you, hasn’t changed. I still very much believe this:

“Having ‘come out of the closet’, I feel so much strength now. I'm not alone at this anymore. I have Elder Call and President Brower to help me. I have your prayers to help me. Most importantly, I have the Savior to help me do what I can't do on my own.”

The past two years have been the biggest learning curve of my life, as I’ve learned about my SSA and found healthy ways to deal with it. It’s been hard (and I have the emotional scars to prove it) but I have come closer to the Savior because of what I’ve gone through and because of what I’ve learned. As always, as I close, I want you to remember one thing: Through the Atonement, it gets better.

(me and Elder Call, about a month after "coming out" to him)

The R in RM

What does the “R” in “RM” stand for? I’ve heard many variations on what RM does mean or should mean. One professor I had said that instead of “returned missionary” it should mean “released missionary,” explaining that after a missionary goes home they should not return to their old ways. A mission, when done right, should be a great growing experience for a young man. However, there are many missionaries who go home and find themselves among their same friends and end up sinking back into old habits and immaturities. In this way, my professor meant that an RM should retain the lessons and growth he/she learned in the mission field in his/her life. While, I agree with that, I also heard another great explanation of what RM should mean.

Last month (July) I had the opportunity and the great blessing to go visit Toronto and to go to church in both wards in which I had served in Brampton, Ontario: Creditview and Heart Lake. I got to share this great experience and amazing road trip with my best friend, Garrett, after finally reuniting with him after two years. While we were at the Heart Lake ward, we had the opportunity to talk to a man named Felix. I’d never met Felix while I served in Heart Lake (he had been less-active at the time) but I had heard about him from Casey, my future roommate who had been in my MTC district and had served in Heart Lake about a year after I left.

Garrett and I spoke to Felix for a while. He is a man of such great faith and insight. He mentioned to me and Garrett his thoughts on being a returned missionary (though I can’t remember if he served a mission or not). Though having only been back in the church for a relatively short time, Felix had taken to being a member missionary and that’s where his idea of what it means to be an RM comes from. He mentioned to me and Garrett that being a returned missionary is far different from being a retired missionary. Though having “returned” from serving full-time, an RM (returned missionary) by definition is still a missionary.

I really like Felix’s definition of an RM. Just because I have returned from my mission (twice now), I am still a missionary, a returned missionary. As cliché as it sounds, it is so true that missionary work does not end when the name tag comes off. In fact, when I was getting ready to come home from Calgary, my friend Eric wrote to me and said that now, having returned home, is when the real missionary work begins, which is what my mission trained me for.

As if the point Felix made wasn’t clear enough, I started noticing by the end of my vacation how many missionaries I seemed to run into. The first night I was in Grand Rapids with Garrett’s family, we had dinner with the companionship of elders in their ward. While in Brampton, we saw four different companionships of elders (the Credtview elders, the Heart Lake elders, the Spanish elders, and the Brampton ward elders). After visiting Brampton, we went to visit Palmyra (we got to see my family and some old friends and Garrett LOVED the church history sites), so of course we saw a good number of sister missionaries at the visitors centers and historical sites. However, while in Palmyra, we also managed to run into a companionship of elders while we were at the dollar store getting batteries. After getting back from our road trip, during my last full day in Grand Rapids, we had a visit from the sister missionaries in their ward. As if I hadn’t had enough run-ins with missionaries during my trip, I guess I still wasn’t quite getting the message that Heavenly Father was trying to get me to learn.

It wasn’t until I was at the Dallas/Fort Worth airport that the lesson finally hit home. While waiting for my connecting flight in Dallas, I ran into a group of missionaries returning to Utah from Italy. I took the opportunity to chat with several of them (there were at least six of them, elders and sisters, in total). I called Garrett from the airport and told him about running into the missionaries at the airport and he pointed out to me the lesson, that maybe it was a hint from Heavenly Father that I wasn’t done with missionary work.

Arriving in Salt Lake City, waiting for my ride, I got to witness those missionaries, returning from Italy, reunite with their families. After nearly two years away from Toronto, it was therapeutic to go back and visit and see that it wasn’t a waste of my time, even though it was only three months. I even felt like a missionary again while I was there and so did Garrett (I even had to remind Garrett at one point that I wasn’t his companion, when I had to run back to the Sunday School room in Heart Lake to retrieve my scriptures and I found Garrett following me). After such an amazing vacation, I cannot imagine a better ending to it than seeing those missionaries reunite with their families again. To those elders and sisters (if somehow they happen to chance upon this) remember that you’re not done:

You’re a returned missionary, not a retired missionary.

(I guess you could basically say Garrett was my last companion in Toronto :D)

The Best... 3.5 Months

This is a video slideshow of my experiences on my mission, at the MTC and as I served in the Canada Toronto West Mission. Though I came home early and though the anxiety was overwhelming at times, it was the best 3.5 months of my life.

First Week in Brampton, Ontario

Thursday morning we went to the mission home, got interviewed by President Middleton, and got assigned trainers. My trainer is Elder Call, from Arizona. We're serving in the Creditview Ward in Brampton. He's a great companion. I really admire how he can talk to anyone about the gospel without fear (I'm working on getting over that fear).

Last weekend, we taught Louie. He's a twelve-year-old boy whose mother died recently. He lives with his aunt and uncle on the weekend, who are members of the church. So last weekend, we got to teach him twice. Saturday, we gave him 2 Nephi 31 to read and pray about and on Sunday we went over the chapter with him. It was cool to hear what he said he'd felt while he was praying. He said it was weird, like he was in a dream or something, but he said it was a good feeling. I know he felt the Spirit.

We also taught a 26-year-old man last weekend whose name was Damien. He's an interesting guy. I won't got into a lot of depth about that, but I kind of felt like while we were teaching him, he wasn't open to listening to the Spirit. He's nice and everything, but I felt like he was trying to just listen to us and not to the Spirit. Maybe that's just the way new investigators are... I'm not sure.

The ward here is great though. But later on Sunday, we went to teach Louie for the second time that weekend (like I mentioned above) and when we got there, Sister Ocampo (Louie's aunt) was very cheerful, telling us to come in, and basically forced us to have some food (even though we had a dinner appointment for about an hour later, haha).

I do have something really exciting to look forward to this week. On Saturday night, last week, the district leaders called and gave us some instructions about emailing the mission president (they said to email President Brower, the new mission president, instead of President Middleton, the old mission president) and they reminded us about district meeting, but the thing that really got me excited was that there's a temple trip this Friday! I'm going to have to get up ridiculously early to go, but I'm so excited to get to go to the Toronto Temple so early in my mission.

That's all for now, I guess. This church is true. There's no way it isn't. I want to work so hard to get over the fear of talking to people, so that I can share with them what I know. I'm so excited!!! I want you to know that I know that Jesus Christ is our Savior and Redeemer. Not only will He save us from our sins, but He will also help us through our trials. I've felt that help from the Savior. I know it's real. I know that there is power in the scriptures. I love reading the scriptures. They are amazing!!! I've learned that that is how Heavenly Father helps us the most. We can say all the prayers we want, but unless we're willing to look for the answers, He can't give them to us.

Elder Ficiur

Canada Toronto West Mission

Below is a map of the Canada Toronto West Mission, where I’ll be serving for the next two years. Geographically it’s a big mission (especially in comparison to Utah missions, like where my brother Brett served (Salt Lake South Mission) where his areas were measured in streets, if I remember correctly).

Ever since getting my call, I feel like I keep running into people who served in my mission. Immediately after I opened and read my call, I remembered that someone from my ward, who was good friends with my brother Jared, served there. Not long after that, I remembered that my EFY counselor from 2007 served in my mission the same time that Jared’s friend did (they even knew each other while they were there, though they weren’t companions). Then I found out that Jared has another friend who just got back from my mission. And that’s just the ones I can remember off the top of my head.

From my 2007 EFY counselor who served in my mission (who was very excited to hear that I was going to his mission), I learned that the Toronto West Mission has many different cultures and people. He told me that you can’t find a more exotic, culturally diverse mission. Shortly before leaving BYU in April, I was able to have lunch with him (he’s currently working on his Master’s Degree right now) and he told me a lot about the mission. One thing in particular that he told me that was that, from what he’d seen, the people were receptive to the message of the gospel. My guess would be that they probably aren’t as receptive as many missions are in South America.

I’m so excited to be able to serve the Lord in Ontario. Especially after worrying for so long this year that I wouldn’t be able to go, I know how precious a privilege it is for me to be able to serve. I know that as I prepare to serve, He will bless me. I know this church is true. I know that I have been called of God to preach the gospel. I know that it was by inspiration that I have been called to Ontario to preach the gospel and to invite others to come unto Christ. I know that true happiness only comes through living the commandments of God. I’m so excited to help other people to come to know this too. I know that the Book of Mormon is the word of God and it was translated by Joseph Smith by the power of God.

I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Dear Elder Ficiur...

“You are hereby called to serve as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. You are assigned to labor in the Canada Toronto West Mission.”

After a month and a half of waiting, I finally received my mission call on Wednesday. Going back to my apartment in mid-afternoon, after finishing most of my classes, I found out my call was there. After that, I went back to campus for my dance class. I told one of my friends in that class that my call was at my apartment and she said “How are you even here right now?” (I was there only because we had a Cha Cha test).

After that class was over, I went back to my apartment and after several of my friends had arrived, we started calling my family. Four speaker phones and one long 10-minute video recording later, my call was open and I knew I was going to the Toronto West mission.

I’m so very excited to serve the people of Ontario in my mission. On June 2, I go into the Missionary Training Center and I’m so excited to go in. Several times, walking to and from the Provo temple, I’ve walked past the Missionary Training Center. I’ve seen missionaries from the Missionary Training Center heading to and from the temple. In two months and twelve days, I’ll be one of them. I’ll be a missionary.

I know that this church is true and I’m so very excited to help the people of Ontario come to know that as well. It’s true and no one can tell me it isn’t. Though the strength of that conviction may vary, slightly, I know that I’ve felt the Holy Ghost tell me that it’s true. Even if I can’t feel it at any given moment, I can remember that I have felt that witness. I testify that it’s true. I testify that the Book of Mormon is the word of God, alongside the Bible, as long as it is translated correctly. This is God’s church and I know that it is by Him that I am called to teach.

--Spencer

The video below is the last 4 minutes of the 10 minute video that was taken of me opening my call.