Forward with Faith

This song is from the EFY 2000 CD. This song is called Forward with Faith (hence the title of this post). I first heard this song while I was on my mission and I love it! There are some specific words from the chorus that I love: "Fear is like the clouds that veil the Earth from the sun. Faith is like the morning rays that break when night is done. And though the fear inside me says that all my hope is gone, faith in Heaven lifts me up and shouts "I've just begun!""

For those who don't know, I am fully fledged on getting back on my mission, though I don't know exactly when or how that's going to happen. It's definitely not happening before next May (I'm going to a semester of school first) but I'm positive it's going to happen. However, sometimes the adversary will get at me and try to get me to doubt my ability to serve again. To that, my faith lifts me and shouts "I've just begun!" I still have a lot of work to do, and I'm not giving up!!! I will keep fighting until this war against sin is over!

Locked Out

During the last week that I was in the Heart Lake ward on my mission, I had one of my anxiety attacks (one of the ones that ended up bringing me home). Because I wasn’t able to work, because of the anxiety attack, my companion (Elder Call… you’ll probably hear a lot about him) took me to the temple grounds, since the temple has a calming effect on me. However, since this was a Monday, the temple was closed and the gate into the temple grounds was locked.

After the stress that I’d had, I had really been looking forward to being on the temple grounds on that day, but the most of my body I could get onto the temple grounds was the front of my foot. However, I got a little bit of an interesting insight from this experience.

After finding myself locked out of the temple grounds, I promised myself that when I got to the gates of the Celestial Kingdom, I would not be locked out. I’ll do whatever it takes to ensure that I won’t be trying to sneak my foot under the gate, just so that part of me is in the Celestial Kingdom. I will live worthy to gain entrance to the kingdom of my Father.

(The photo at the beginning of this post is a picture I took of the Toronto Temple that night, when I was locked out)

Be Still and Know

Today was a little bit of a hard day for me (for some reason). I think it was because I didn't sleep very well last night. Regardless, it's just after 10 PM now and I felt about as worn out as I could possibly feel and the noise at my apartment was suddenly too much. I closed my computer, turned on a specific song on my iPod and really took in the words. They touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes. Here they are:

Be still and know that He is God.

Be still and know that He is holy.

Be still, oh restless soul of mine,

Bow before the prince of peace

And let the noise and clamber cease

Be still and know that He is God.

Be still and know that He is faithful.

Consider all that He has done.

Stand in awe and be amazed.

Know that He will never change.

Be still.

Be still and know that He is God.

Be still and know that He is God.

Be still and know that He is God.

Be still.

Be speechless.

Be still and know that He is God.

Be still and know He is our Father.

Come rest your head upon His breast.

Listen to the rhythm of

His unfailing heart of love

Beating for the little ones

Bidding each of us to come

Be still.

The imagery of that last part... "Come rest your head upon His breast. Listen to the rhythm of His unfailing heart of love"... that's what I needed, I think. The image in my mind of being held in the arms of my Heavenly Father in my times of trial... It's what I desire the most right now... I know that as I follow His will, I'll make it to where I will be able to be held in His arms one day.

--Spencer

The Best... 3.5 Months

This is a video slideshow of my experiences on my mission, at the MTC and as I served in the Canada Toronto West Mission. Though I came home early and though the anxiety was overwhelming at times, it was the best 3.5 months of my life.

A Step Into the Dark

So we didn’t expect me to personally post on here again so soon, huh? Here’s the deal now…

I’ve come home from my mission early. Because of the normal stresses of a mission and my having Aspergers, as well as other random stresses of life I was having, my stress was compounded and by the twelfth week I was in the field (15 weeks total), I was becoming less and less effective, to the point where I was having mental breakdowns almost every day. As a result, President Brower (my mission president), who had known about the building stresses for some time, with the advice of Brother Miller, a psychiatrist at LDS Family Services in Etobicoke, Ontario suggested that I take a break from my mission. Last Tuesday (September 14) President Brower told me that I was officially being extended an honorable medical release from my mission, with the possibility of returning when this is all sorted out.

Now some may wonder why I’m going into so much detail on this. I know that my parents have told me that I don’t need to explain all the situation in detail to anyone, but I am not ashamed of being sent home early for medical reasons, even if they are psychological medical reasons. I know for a fact that my Heavenly Father is pleased with the work I performed in Brampton, Ontario these last three months. He has blessed me so much for all that I’ve done and I wouldn’t trade those three months for anything.

I’m not sure if I’m going to go back to my mission, to complete the other 21 months. I honestly don’t know. All I know is that right now, I’m where Heavenly Father needs me. I would love to go back and finish, but now it’s more important to me to follow my Father’s plan for me. For all I know, those three and a half months were all He needed me in the field for.

But even if I don’t go back, I feel as though I’ve had a full mission experience (not that I would say no to more of that experience, of course): I was able to participate in a saving ordinance for someone we’d taught (Louie). I had an amazing companion who was more amazing and charitable and loving than I could have ever expected (Elder Call). I experienced being transferred to a new area (out of Creditview and into Heart Lake) and white-washing that area (for those of you who don’t know, white-washing is when both missionaries are new in the area after a transfer). I experienced how it felt when an investigator who is so close to baptism has to delay that amazing blessing because they don’t believe they can pay tithing (Tek). For three days, while my companion was at leadership training, I even got to experience being senior companion. I experienced the efforts that go into reactivating people and families. I even got to teach a Sunday School class one week when the Ward Mission Leader was away! Not only did I have all these experiences that most missionaries have, but because of the things that happened to me, I think I may have had more interaction with my mission president in three months than some missionaries have in two years.

I have no regrets coming home. I know for a fact that my efforts have been accepted by the Lord. Seven months ago, I didn’t know if I’d ever get to serve a mission at all. Perhaps those three months I got were just Heavenly Father’s way of granting my wish, before having me move on to bigger and better things. I don’t know. Those three months mean everything to me. If it’s part of His plan, I know that there will be a time when Heavenly Father will send me out again. Until then, my mission president said to live like I’m done my mission, but work toward being able to come back.

One thing I really want to get across in this post is the same as something I said to my mom as I called her from President Brower’s office, just before leaving for the airport: This is right. There is a powerful testimony in those three words, as President Brower noted to me afterward. How amazing is that that I know that this is right? Many people have wondered, since I got home, if I’m okay. I assume it’s because many missionaries who come home early for medical reasons get depressed. That’s not me. By the time I got to the mission home on Wednesday to go to the airport with President Brower, I was at peace with this.

I know that I’m on the path of where my Father needs me to be. I have no clue what that is, but I know that He knows and He will lead me by the hand as I take each step forward into the dark. His plan is perfect and it’s by following His plan that we can and will obtain the greatest happiness.

I say these things in the sacred name of my older Brother and Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.

--Spencer