Thursday, December 27, 2012

Strange Things

Yesterday, I watched Toy Story (one of my Christmas presents) and the whole movie I couldn't help but relate to Woody. I've felt the hurt that accompanies being replaced or rejected. A week ago, in fact, I was working through A LOT of that with my counselor (and then with some friends afterwards). In dealing with the emotions, I was reminded of times in my life where I felt that rejection...

  • By the end of 2nd grade, three of my best friends (all members of the church) in my school class moved across the country (one to Quebec and the other two (twins) to Wisconsin). Of course I knew it wasn't their fault... but still I felt so lonely afterwards.
  • In 4th grade, I remember the guys in my class joking about a guy named "Dil"... I was pretty sure then and I am surer of it now that it was their codename for me so that they could make fun of me right in front of my face... and possibly got me to make fun of myself too. This ridicule pushed me away from them.
  • In 6th grade, a new guy moved into my class (which hadn't happened in years) and I felt a draw to become friends with him. Sadly... that didn't last and he felt too smothered by me. Being autistic, I didn't see what I was doing wrong.
  • In 8th grade, I finally had a "best friend". He had been in my class for years, but over the summer (we lived next door to each other) we had become closer than we had in years. However, I guess I was too "clingy" or something, so he began avoiding me to hang out with other friends.
  • In 9th grade, I felt like I'd made a best friend with a new guy in my class (we had SO much in common, on a surface level). However, as it turned out, he didn't have values or standards, so I didn't want to be so close with him. However, in the meantime, he'd met one of my other friends, who was a year younger than me, and they became best friends.... leaving me with no one...
  • High school was mostly spent alone because the people I wanted to associate with were too cliquey for me to integrate myself with and the others had a certain lack of standards, so I didn't want to hang out with them.

After processing all of this last week and feeling that emotions for the first time in who knows how long, I managed to remember what's happened since high school... In my mind, Garrett spoke but I could also see so many others. Garrett spoke to me and told me that he was my friend, my brother, and that he loved me and would never leave me...

I am scarred by my past, but I am grateful for the people that the Lord has put in my life: Garrett, Elder Call, Eric, Justin, Phil, Tyler, Andrew, and so many others that I've been able to feel love from in my life. Even though time and space may separate me from some of these people, when I do see them, they are happy to see me and we are able to pick up from EXACTLY where we left off... as friends... as family. :)

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