Three Years Ago

Idaho Falls Temple - February 2013

About three years ago, I went through the Idaho Falls temple for my endowment, in preparation for my mission. About a week ago, I had the opportunity to do an endowment session there for the first time since. It was kind of an interesting experience for me to realize that and look back on the past three years.

Three years ago, February 2010, I was waiting for my mission call. Because of my autism, my call got delayed… and delayed… and delayed. Garrett will attest to the fact that I didn’t handle that waiting period very well. Looking back, I recognize that that was my first real recollection of experiencing depression. After receiving my mission call, I assumed that was the end of it. I had my call and all would be well. Fast-forward about six months to September 2010 and I was home from my mission.

Getting off the plane - September 2010

 Being a 19-year-old RM was one of the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with. Harder than waiting for my mission call. Harder than dealing with the stress I put on myself after telling Elder Call about my SSA (speaking of which… I need to do a post on that). Finally, the next summer, after much stress and anxiety, which I attributed to having to wait again, I was permitted to go on a trial mission.

Coming home from Calgary three months after I started was one of the hardest things I’ve done… it was harder than the first time, I’d say. In my opinion, the lack of confidence and self-esteem I felt was manifest in my schoolwork. Some of the simplest assignments seemed to test my abilities and try my patience. In my mind, it was a miracle that I managed a B average that semester. In that time, I started medication to help with my depression and anxiety, but even so it wasn’t until part way through the summer that I seemed to find something that worked. And honestly I think part of what worked was being able to go back to Toronto, visit the people I’d served there, and find closure, knowing I had made a difference in three months there.

With Fuman, one of my converts - July 2012

Even after feeling that closure, I think I still felt down about my position of being an “early RM”. Until something unexpected happened… literally a day after I posted about what it means to be an RM… that was when I was reading in Voice(s) of Hope for the first time. It was then, in the first few lines, that I felt the prompting to start all of this. Two months later, after much prayer and seeking revelation, I did start writing about my SSA. In the time since, I have been blessed to have had miracle SSA Missionary experiences with Steve, Alex, and several others. Just yesterday in fact a girl from one of my old wards (let’s call her Libby) told me about her SSA.

Still, at the same time I’m working to find balance, understanding, and healing for myself. I try to do my best to look forward toward better things, but at the same time I still carry scars of my past. During all of that, I am struggling to find the right balance between expressing love and being firm in my beliefs. All the time, I still have episodes of shame and hurt around all of what has happened in the past three years.

I guess here’s the bottom line (and it’s something I’m still trying to internalize, even as I share it): Jesus Christ the Savior is why any of this matters. He helped me find closure with what happened in Toronto and He helped me find a new way to do missionary work. As I always say, it is through Him and His Atonement that it gets better.

Idaho Falls Temple - April 2010

God Loveth His Children

“God Loveth His Children” is a pamphlet produced by the church for those who experience same-sex attraction. It’s not very in depth on the issue, but it has its merits. This small blue booklet is special to me because it was the first SSA resource I ever had. When I was in Toronto, shortly after I told Elder Call about my SSA, we got copies of this pamphlet from the mission office (I was too scared to be seen by the Rattos or the Sippels (the office missionary couples) with them, so Elder Call grabbed them. We spent a companionship study or two reading it and learning from it, as it was new to both of us.

The pamphlet has five sections: “Your Identity and Your Potential”, “The Plan of Happiness”, “Self-Mastery”, “Filling Your Life with Goodness”, and “Go Forward”. The title itself come from a scripture in the Book of Mormon, where Nephi admits that he doesn’t know everything, but the one thing he does know is that God loves His children. That’s the thing here: we don’t know everything about homosexuality. We don’t know to what degree a person is “born gay” or to what degree a person develops these feelings (Side tangent: My opinion is that it’s a mixture of both nature and nurture). Causes aside, I love that this pamphlet emphasizes right from the beginning the one thing we know for certain: God loves us. God loves all of us. God loves those who live a heterosexual life. God loves those who live a celibate life. And God loves those who live a homosexual life.

I won’t outline everything in the pamphlet here (you can click this link here for that) but I think the biggest thing for those of us who do experience SSA and those who do not, we could all do better at loving as God loves. Yes, He has given us commandments. But no, he doesn’t hate us when we disobey them. Like with the woman taken in adultery, Christ didn’t condemn her. He showed her love instead.

I think that more than anything is what the church wanted to get across with their new website. “God Loveth His Children” was released in 2007. The website was released in 2012. Yet both resources carry a similar theme. It’s not teaching us the causes of homosexuality. It’s not teaching us the way to “fix” it. It’s teaching us to love, because that’s how God deals with it. He loves. Even if people don’t live the way we think they should, we need to love. I’ll admit, I’m not good at this sometimes, but this is my goal, to understand and to love better. And to help it get better in the church for those with SSA and those who deal with addiction and those who deal with any affliction. As was said in “Voice(s) of Hope”, “the community that ultimately shows the most love will be the one that wins the hearts of the men and women dealing with this issue.”

PS: Speaking of Voice(s) of Hope, check this link out. The first of the videos have been released. Look forward to me doing a post about it soon!

Singles Awareness Day

Happy Valentine’s Day! I wish I could say that today was something special for me, but not really. I had class, took a test, and had dinner with the rest of the Spanish house. Nothing out of the ordinary. That being said I’ve felt a lot of peace today and I’m not sure why. You’d think that on a day that is meant for people in a relationship that I would be kinda down (especially since that can be the norm for me some days). Maybe I’m too content being single (not likely). Or maybe it’s something else.

I mentioned to one of my friends (Benjamin) that I’m taking an LDS Marriage/Family class this semester. He told me taking a class about dating, marriage, and stuff would drive him insane. Normally, I’d think so too. Yet that’s not the case. Instead I’ve enjoyed it a lot. By no means is it a marriage prep class (though if you were to go to it with that intent, it’d work). Instead, it’s a doctrinal class about the purpose of marriage and family. You’d think that for someone who finds it hard at times to be attracted to girls, it’d be really annoying. Instead, it’s given me hope in order to find the daughter of God that I will take to the temple. More than that, I’ve learned things that will help me to know how to treat her right.

I’ve got a lot of emotional and mental baggage and I honestly feel like it’ll take someone amazing to overlook that. To overlook my autism, my SSA, my anxieties, and my goofy looking face. Someone prepared by the Lord. Someone with unfathomable amounts of charity. I look forward to finding out who that will be and I pray that I will be worthy of her. Until then, I will do my best to trust in the Father’s plan and take my search one day at a time (or one date at a time).

Looking forward to a future day with a beautiful
girl beside me at a temple like this 

"If I Have Not Charity" -- An Apology

“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.” (Moroni 7:46-47)

“And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.” (1 Corinthians 13:3)

I recently got a message from someone I care about a lot (let’s call him Chris) and he was hurt because of what I’d written on my blog. I’ve known Chris was gay for about five years now and I thought I’d done my best to love him… but I guess not. I don’t know what exactly offended him, but that doesn’t matter. The fallout of what happened after I got the message (which resulted in me getting in an argument with Thomas, because he is closer to Chris than I am).

My target audience was never meant to be people living a gay lifestyle. My purpose in writing about SSA on my blog was (1) to give hope and to strengthen those that have decided to stay with the gospel, (2) to help those that are confused know that the gay lifestyle isn’t the only option, and (3) to help other members of the church understand the challenges and issues around same-sex attraction from someone who experiences it. In the end, I only wanted to share the answers I have found that have worked for me, writing many of those answers as I learn them.

I never meant for anything I have written to come across as though I believe that all gays are evil, perverted pedophiles. I never meant for it to come across as though I believe they’re all going to hell. I never meant for it to come across as though I hate gays. I have no quarrel with those that choose the gay lifestyle. My heart breaks for them because, based on my understanding of the plan of salvation, I believe that the happiness they have now will not be able to continue forever. However, I do not hate them or wish ill on them.

As much as I’ve been trying to love and share my testimony of the Atonement, I have fallen short and it has caused me much grief over the past couple days since the incident with Chris and Thomas happened. I’m sorry for offending you. I’m sorry if I offended anyone. That was never what I meant to do. I never claimed to be an expert on any of this… I’m just sharing what I learn, as I learn it.

To Chris, Thomas, and anyone else I’ve offended, I’m sorry. It was never my intention. To any of my readers, if I ever offend you in the future or if you disagree with what I say, please send me an email (spencer3101@gmail.com) and please tell me what I’d said. With feedback I can clarify my opinion and edit the post accordingly. If not, I hope that we can at least respectfully disagree with each other. I need to be better at showing love to everyone… not just those that agree with me. As much as I testify of the Atonement and its power to make help things better, if I don’t show love, it’s not worth anything. Like what Paul, who I quoted early, if I share my testimony and put myself in a vulnerable situation to share that testimony, no matter how strong I think it is, “and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing”.

Jesus Christ -- The example of Perfect Love

Ignorance Isn't Bliss

It’s been a busy week. I’ve been a little backed up on homework the past few days (and lacking the energy to do it ahead of time like I’ve been trying to do this semester… hence why I’m backed up). So this probably won’t be a long post, but I felt I should write it.

It’s kind of frustrating when people say things without thinking or making assumptions. I made a joke out of one of these experiences before, when my elders’ quorum president said to me “Congratulations on not being gay” but on a different day, that could have been hurtful (but no worries, Ben). After reading that post, Ben said to me “Oh the things we say when we don’t know.” The day he said that to me, I had a good laugh about it. On a worse day, who knows?

Garrett and Daniel (Juliana's brother) at
Daniel's Eagle Court of Honor

With Boy Scouts of America considering the policy change lately, it’s been a rough subject for a bunch of my North Star friends. For those of you who don’t know, BSA is considering letting gay scouts in and allowing gay scout leaders. Now, I understand the apprehension towards this (who would want a gay man going on a camping trip with their son?), but that assumes that you think the gay leader would prey on your son.

One of my North Star friends recently posted on the Facebook group (he gave me permission to tell this story) about a conversation he’d had with a coworker. His coworker had commented saying that “It looks BSA isn’t going to die today”, talking about not changing the policy. This (and the ensuing conversation) upset my friend, especially since he was already in a vulnerable state. Granted, I doubt this coworker knew my friend had SSA, but the carelessness of the comment can hurt people. You never know who is going to be affected by the issue, whether it’s because of they, a friend, or a family member deals with SSA (by the way, they later talked and my friend learned that his coworker has problems with BSA anyway).

Bottom line: we all have our opinions. That’s fine (in fact, that’s encouraged) and in the proper setting we should express those opinions. However, it should never be carelessly and it should always be thought through, because we don’t know who our words could affect. Everything we say should be in a spirit of love. The old saying is that “ignorance is bliss”, but I disagree; other people’s ignorance is hardly bliss in my life (yes, it goes both ways).