My post today was going to be something
humorous to kinda contrast how serious I’ve been lately, but right now I just
don’t feel humorous. No, I’m not feeling down. I’m actually feeling really
good. Very peaceful. I was just privileged to listen to a beautiful draft of
the North Star Voices podcast about the Voices of Hope Project, which I contributed to. As such, I don’t feel that a humorous
post would be appropriate with how I feel right now. (As a side-note, I’ve
heard that the Voices of Hope website will be launch around Christmas day with
the first ten videos, which were filmed back in August; I’ll do a post about
that when it goes up).
Maybe just a bit of reflection
then. Like I said, I listened to the podcast today and, in addition to that, a
few days ago I dug back into my mission email and found the email I’d sent to
my parents on August 23, 2010, telling them for the first time about my
same-sex attraction. I’d like to share an excerpt from that email:
“Friday night, I was talking to Elder Call and the Spirit was guiding
our conversation and it came out that I was gay. To my surprise, Elder Call told
me that he already knew. He said he'd known for a while, because of promptings
of the Spirit and small things I'd done/said. He'd been struggling for a while
trying to figure out how to talk to me about it. We were up until 3 AM talking,
but we established that I am going to overcome this and Elder Call is more than
willing to help me overcome it in any way that he can.”
Back then, “overcoming” my
same-sex attraction to me meant having the feelings go away completely and to
never be attracted to another man again. These perfectionistic feelings were a
driving force in the anxiety that ended up having me put on medical leave from
my mission three weeks later. Just after I got home from Toronto, someone I knew
with SSA who I wasn’t close with (let’s call him Thomas) was talking to me about
his struggles and as I talked about wanting to “overcome” my SSA, he refuted the
idea, saying that he didn’t want it gone. It was part of what made him the
compassionate, loving person that he was proud to be. I didn’t understand how
he could want to deal with same-sex attraction. Wouldn’t ANYONE want it gone so
that their lives would be easier?
Over the past couple months,
however, I’ve felt a paradigm shift. As I mentioned in my last post (“Grateful
to be ‘Gay’”), I’m grateful to be attracted to men! Two years ago, when I
had that conversation with Thomas, I would have NEVER thought that was possible.
EVER! Now, I would consider myself to be a lot closer to where Thomas was two
years ago. I can see what he meant and if I could decide right now to never be
attracted to men again… I don’t know if I’d take it. Honestly, I don’t mind
being attracted to men. Sometimes it’s kind of fun (but we’ll discuss that when
I do my humorous blog post). Would it be nice to have the temptations gone?
HECK YES! But that’s mortality! We all get tempted! Even the Savior was
tempted! Even if I was no longer attracted to men, a different temptation would
inevitably take its place!
In fact, I’m grateful to have SSA
because it’s repaired my relationship with Thomas. I’ve known Thomas my whole
life, but we were NEVER close. But in my journey to learn about my SSA and
learn to deal with it in a healthy manner, my conversations with him have
brought a brotherly love into our friendship that I will forever cherish.
To finish off, I want to share
another part of the email I sent to my parents in August 2010. This part, I can
tell you, hasn’t changed. I still very much believe this:
“Having ‘come out of the closet’, I feel so much strength now. I'm not
alone at this anymore. I have Elder Call and President Brower to help me. I
have your prayers to help me. Most importantly, I have the Savior to help me do
what I can't do on my own.”
The past two years have been the
biggest learning curve of my life, as I’ve learned about my SSA and found
healthy ways to deal with it. It’s been hard (and I have the emotional scars to
prove it) but I have come closer to the Savior because of what I’ve gone
through and because of what I’ve learned. As always, as I close, I want you to
remember one thing: Through the Atonement, it gets better.
(me and Elder Call, about a month after "coming out" to him)
Perfect, Spence.
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